04 Feb 2015 (46 days after The Day)

So I find myself waiting on my kids to finish an activity.  It is quiet and I am alone.  The rush of work is still there for me to tap into and I have turned it off for a while.  I am in the car parked with the motor running and no radio on.  I'm watching the kids of other families arrive and run in with anticipation to the night's activities.  It wasn't long ago I sat in this car with my son giving my wife a break from all the activity in the home.  Ammon and I would make believe we were flying in a spaceship as we waited for his sisters to return from their activities.  It sounds strange but in all the happy faces I see I also see faces that postulate their future as certain.  It is weird.  I am an optimist.  I take a lot of crap from people for being one because I see a positive in everything yet here I sit looking at people knowing that the one thing that is certain is that there is uncertainty in life events.  Yes, we can make good choices and we can reap the rewards for those choices AND we can also be dealt a challenge we were not planning for.  How do you plan for this?  No, that is the wrong question.  Planning for events are easy.  How do you accept the truth of an event when it occurs?  I can and did do a little planning for Jan and my death; however, accepting this as a reality is just a very hard pill to swallow.  Don't get me wrong... I am able to "function".  I can carry on a conversation and not bust out with emotion (mostly).  I have accepted the logical aspect of Jan's loss but not the emotional attachment.  Every night I get into a king sized bed without my kids so now it is really a feeling of being alone.  I hear Claire sleeping in her crib and that helps me relax.  I just didn't realize the emotional attachment a spouse has.  Wow.  I mean here is someone who knows you better than yourself in many ways.  They know your habits, strengths, weaknesses, talents, and ambitions.  They help you to be a better you.  They are there for you in every way.  They are loyal to you because of the love you have for each other.  The feeling and actions are mutual.  This isn't one-sided.  This isn't "you go 50% and I'll go 50%".  It is both going 110% because they want to.  They go 110% because they want the other person to be successful as much as they do for themselves and often at the expense of their own success.  I'm sure the devastation would be equal if life events had me leave and Jan stay.  Am I doing what is right?  Am I doing what is needed?  I don't know.  I do know I am doing what I can to the best of my abilities.  Quiet reflection is good... for now.

Ammon struggles.  Here is a sweet pic of Ammon (5 yrs) and Jan in a Mother-Son date on 31 Aug 2013.  They went for ice cream at sonic.  It is one of my most prized pictures.

They are good memories built from a tradition I'm glad we started.  We alternated mom/dad dates with the kids and we had fun memories built.  We didn't always take pictures but ones like this let me know we were doing something right.  I'm glad Jan had a camera (phone) to take pics like this.  Some of the best pictures I have are of the kids and their events where the only camera we have is our phone.  It is amazing how phone technology has helped our family document the lives of our kids and our marriage.  They are some of the best photos.