So I found myself over the past few days doing all I can to avoid feeling. Is that childish? Oh well. That is reality. As I try to face the real feelings of loss and pain it hurts so I avoid it. I find little triggers daily that say "hey remember this?" or "doesn't this ring a bell?" Every reminder stings. Every reminder makes it difficult to go through the necessary feeling for healing.
I went by Jan's grave tonight with Emma. It was a tough moment. As we looked upon an unmarked pile of dirt it was just surreal. Emma asked when we are getting a headstone and I told her shortly. It is one of many on my list of to-dos.
Claire slept a long time last night. She is eating and eating these days. I also think she is a bit sick too. Her tummy has been a bit unsettled. She is smiling more these days too and that is always comforting.
So, I am struggling with the fact that people put on a "Sunday face" and are not real. I think people can do wonders for each other on Sunday to just be real. The fake "everything is perfect" is something that everyone may want to portray but is not what people want to surround themselves with. So, for me, this is a real issue on Sundays. Jan worked very hard over the last few years to not be run by some pattern and to be authentic. That meant that sometimes people didn't want to hear what she had to say. I suppose I am finding myself in that same place. Standing for truth is difficult when you are the minority. The comfort is that truth is still the truth regardless of the support. I just have to keep telling myself that. I don't have to support someone's inability to live in reality. THAT is the real challenge. I always thought Jan was amazing at being able to allow someone to believe whatever they wanted and still hold boundaries on what she believed. She embraced freedom of choice. She would listen to all types of beliefs and not criticize them. She just was open because her beliefs were firm. I miss her terribly. I still hope this is some freakish dream that I will wake up from.
