Today was a lot of feeling. A lot of remembering. A lot of energy spent. Tears and trials as I try to figure out what this new normal is supposed to be like. When I was 17 my grandfather passed away. It was also quite sudden. For a while I was in a sort of funk. I didn't really get back to "normal" ever. It was just new. I suppose this is the same. I am in a new chapter not wanting to start reading.
The discussion today that had me thinking was surrounding my interests. What I do for fun. Over the last few years I have really forgotten what that is. My time was filled caring for my wife through the many challenges she had. As it stands now I don't have a desire to do anything. As a kid I recall being filled with joy when I found out we were going to the public pool or when I got to go to the park. I enjoyed riding my bike as a kid and spent hours riding everywhere in my neighborhood. When I went to college I worked a ton. I suppose I just enjoyed my classes in college. I did enjoy band. Both in high school and college I played in the jazz bands and enjoyed playing. Recently I started playing again and remembered the fun that came from that. The music I enjoy involves more than one player so perhaps I need to find other saxophonists to start playing with. I don't know. Finding personal joy is something that may take a moment for me. I have joy in my family but as I experienced yesterday I need to find something that is just me or I may fall apart when other life events occur.
Well, another day has passed. Valentines day is approaching and I cannot wait for it to be over. My daughter Emma would like to do something special on that day. I'm sure that is a better idea than not doing anything but it is a real struggle for me.
Until tomorrow -
