Honesty - What a simple but sometimes difficult topic. Today there was a discussion on what a group that only meets once a week could do to be more united. I have thought on this subject long and hard. I find this root cause also in relationships at work, church, amongst friends, etc.. The root cause for distant relationships is trust and honesty. We guard and protect ourselves. Often this is done to protect our beliefs from those that would not care for them. So, in a real way, honesty and trust go hand in hand. Sure there is forced honesty where someone is threatened if they do not give the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth but when not threatened honesty and trust are inseparable. So, how do you build trust? I believe you build it by giving it away. I am guarded. I have a very close group that I trust. I have made mistakes over the years by not being completely honest by feeling that I needed to be loyal to a certain group. With Jan I could be completely honest. I didn't have secrets and neither did she. This open aspect of our relationship allowed us to help each other through all types of struggles. We knew each others weaknesses and strengths. We helped keep each other in check and while it was irritating it was also good. I knew she was helping me to be a better person and the feeling was mutual when I helped her.
Today marks an interesting event on my calendar. Today is the first time the Superbowl has been on in my home ever. In the 15 years that Jan and I have been married we both never watched football. Ever. With grandma here well.... it is a time for new traditions. I need to get grandma up to speed on real football... soccer. We are also big baseball fans so there is no surprise that baseball will be watched here. I've always been a big Houston Astros fan having worked there in the past and having good family memories but now that we are in Arlington I have started to watch the Rangers. Anyway, so football in my home. Never happened in the past and now it is. Go Orliers er... Texans I guess.
I've been dealing with anger recently. Anger at how my life has turned upside down. Anger at how this isn't "fair". I cringe when I hear the "fair" term used because what is that in life? Fairness? Seriously? Life isn't fair. Period. To use it sounds like I am a victim. There is a type of "victim" vocabulary that I refuse to use. I don't want to give any energy to being a victim because you are acted upon as a victim. No, I am not going to be acted upon. I will act. I will drive this bus. I am ok with the fact that life isn't fair but I am also not willing to have events occur and say "woe is me". Nothing good comes from that. So my wife dies and leaves me with 4 kids all under the age of 13. So I am under 40. So I have staggering medical bills that are still flowing in. So what. Life is more than giving energy to events that you have no control over. It is like being angry that it is raining. What good comes of this? And yet.... I am angry. I am angry because I assumed like everyone else on planet Earth that they and their family will live to be old and gray. I assumed that life memories would be built together as a family. I assumed all would go as planned without any trouble. I assumed there would always be a tomorrow. I knew we would all eventually die but I never thought it would be early in life.
So, I understand that feeling takes energy but being angry takes much more. I want to be free from anger. I have let irritations fester into anger from various people I interact with. All draining what little energy I have. So, I will take the first step of just letting go of some of this. I cling to it to justify my feelings and yet the other parties involved go about their day without any knowledge of any wrongdoing. Or.. if they do know they don't care. Regardless of which it is doesn't matter. It is draining my energy and I will not give it out any longer. I will begin tonight.
