28 Feb 2015 (70 days after The Day)

Today was the beginning of waking up.  With my mom not here it is very much like it was when Jan was here.  The activities, the chores, the expectations of me, etc...  It really was like Jan was just out for the day and we were busy doing things.  This change has helped me to get real and begin to swallow this bitter pill.  Claire's eating volume has doubled and she eats more often.  I'm very grateful that she just eats and sleeps at this point in her life to give me a moment to find what this new new normal will be.  With doctor visits and activities at work this next week will be interesting.

I have received emails and letters with those that relate to the situation I am in.  I am comforted to know that others that are going through life events like this take a bit of comfort knowing they are not alone or crazy with how they feel.  I know my emotions have been all over the map.  I have written regarding some of my feelings but not all of them.  The feeling that your world has been turned upside down is just completely overwhelming.  Everyone supports you but eventually they must return to their lives and THAT is when it is a challenge.  So, today, I just missed Jan's company.  I missed just being around her. 

The ice was thick enough that cars could get out of their driveway but not back in.  Tires spinning and zero traction.  With that as a setting we stayed inside which limited our activities.  Being alone sucks.

27 Feb 2015 (69 days after The Day)

Where to start.  Well, my mom needed to leave the house by 5:00 to make a doctors appointment in Houston.  She overslept and I woke her up around 6:15.  She got it together and left by 6:45.  A family friend came over to watch Claire and that was a huge help.  With the kids in school and Claire being watched I was able to go to work.  It started to snow and the snow started to stick.  About 10:30 people at work were worried that they would be stuck at work so they left to go fight the traffic home.  I stayed through lunch and worked.  I came home and paid some medical bills and got a txt from my mom that she made it to her appointment.  After lunch I picked up my kids from school and worked from home the rest of the day.  I got a call after dinner from my sister who informed me that the doctor wanted my mom to stay for a while based on her visit and that leaves me pondering.  I just really am striving to keep things as "normal" as it was before Jan's passing.  I realize that with my mother gone this old "normal" will need to change.  I have so depended on my mom to help me that I have taken for granted the help that was given.  I wonder how many hits over the head it will take to help to humble me to realize the sacrifice people make for me to enjoy "normalcy".  

I think I have it figured out with my three older kiddos.  Claire is giving me a run for the money.  She just requires a lot of attention and I completely forgot about this.  Isn't that silly?  Kiddo number 4 and I feel I am learning things for the first time.  I'm shaking my head as I type this.  Anyways - I have been upset with Jan today.  It sounds silly but I'm upset that she decided to check out and leave me with "four hungry children and a crop in the field"  Sorry... just popped into my head.  That Kenny Rogers song "Lucille" is not a good song to reflect on Jan as the character in the song, "Lucille", decides to abandon her kids and husband to meet guys at a bar.  I don't have the hatred of the father in the song as I don't look at Jan as abandoning her role as Mother but I do feel like things are a real challenge right now.  I don't see the entire picture so the path of least resistance for my thought process is to be angry at my wife for starting the journey with Claire and then leaving it. 

Another problem I have is with me.  I find myself focusing on the negative.  I have been focusing on things that are entirely outside of my control.  My wife died.  I have no control over that.  My mom is in the hospital.  I have no control over that.  My father died.  I have no control over that.  The weather cut a potentially productive day dreadfully short and most of the week has been severely impacted by the weather.  I have no control over that.  Yet... I give large amounts of my energy (which is scarce) to these events in my life.  Energy that is just wasted.  I need to focus on what I can do.  Focus on what can be done to be better organized.  Do you recall the first time you went to school?  It was a public school for me and I recall being glued to my mom's leg.  I did NOT want to stay there.  I recall feeling very alone.  At the same time, I recall my last days in elementary school were fun. I had a few close friends and enjoyed their company.  It took a few years for me to build up the confidence of what the school was all about.  Then it started all over again with middle-school.  Ug.  Very few good memories there.  I suppose these feelings of not knowing what to do in elementary, middle school, high school, and college are overcome when I surrender to the new environment and begin to learn how it works.  I just feel myself digging in my heels unwilling to surrender.

Have you ever been pinned when wrestling?  There was a guy I knew that was about my height/weight and we wrestled.  It was the first time ever that I wrestled someone my size.  He put me in a full nelson and it was so frustrating.  I had pinned many people like this but never had it done to myself.  I was helpless to the pin.  I could fight it but doing so made the pain so much more.   That is how I feel.  Pinned yet unwilling to tap out.  I just want to attempt every way I can to confirm that I really do have to tap out.  That is why I ask about how many hits over the head will it take to humble me.  I just need to stop fighting and surrender to the fact that this new chapter will require me to ask for help.  To do the one thing I don't like to do.  Wonderful.

Well that is food for thought as I go to sleep.  Here is hoping that Claire sleeps through the night.

26 Feb 2015 (68 days after The Day)

Today was one of those days that flew by.  It is 10:15 pm and I am just now getting a moment to breathe.  I realize this new chapter is starting out very lonely.  I also realize that there is more depth to the love we all have for each other in my family.  My daughter and I were talking and I asked her if she would love mom more or the same as the last time she saw her when we see her again one day?  She said more.  I agreed that I would too.  I believe it is because of the pain and sorrow we have experienced that this has expanded our ability to feel.  To appreciate more.  I have had the opportunity to travel to other countries and it was a similar feeling.  I just realize how blessed we are when we see others with so little.  This understanding is great but what a cost!  I wish it didn't have to be this way.  I would love to plug up a cord to my head and download all the lessons life has to offer without experiencing them and at the same time first hand experience is sobering.  I've had a difficult time focusing on the positive lately.  I recognized today that the sting of Jan's departure has lessened and I hope this trend continues.  So perhaps that is something to be thankful for.  All I know is my exhaustion is steadfast.

 

#depthoflove #costofappreciation 

25 Feb 2015 (67 days after The Day)

It seems my days are packed with one event after another.  They don't really ever stop.  Today it is 9:00 pm and I just got Emma, Madilyn and Ammon down.  Grandma is rocking Claire and I'm typing away.  I had my first counseling session today.  It was interesting.  I'm hoping this helps my healing process.  I also hope it helps my children.  Days like this leave me completely depleted of energy.  This is a short post.  I need rest.

#counselingstart

24 Feb 2015 (66 days after The Day)

Today almost seemed like a normal day with one exception.  Every day I get ready for the day and I look in the bathroom closet and see a box containing letters Jan and I mailed to each other before we were married.  This box is clear plastic and I can easily see Jan's handwriting on the letters.  The box is buried underneath other boxes but this morning I dug it out and pulled out a couple of letters.  Some were of high school time period and others were college.  In reading them I found our love and care for each other never wavered.  It just became deeper.  It was nice to read them even though the letters were about 20 years old.  I don't have a current letter other than a holiday card but her communication was the same.  She was filled with encouragement, love, and support.  I suppose you could say her love was steadfast.

My family and I finished the book "Out of my mind" and now Madilyn will pick the next.  I started listening to a couple of different books and have found enjoyment in that.  My phone decided to start to die so I will take a moment in the coming days to transfer all the audio clips off my phone and store them permanently.  I think I'll get a normal flip phone or something.  I find that my phone is just attached to me in such a way that I can't function without it.  Something is off with that so I am just getting a small phone and will break away from the hold that small electronic device has on me.

101.)  I am thankful for these sweet letters I found.  They really do bring joy to my heart.
102.)  I am thankful for time.  It really is helping the sting to not be so intense.
103.)  I am thankful for the safety of all that traveled at work today.  Many witnessed accidents because of the ice.
104.)  I am thankful that I did not fall down with the ice today.  Some walkways were so filled with ice that I really did skate down the path.
105.)  I am thankful for my kids desire for learning.  I hope it is for a lifetime.

#letters #books #thanks

  

23 Feb 2015 (65 days after The Day)

So another wave of sadness has hit me.  It isn't as intense but it just is weird.  I just am having a difficult time believing this is all happening.  I see it happening but it is just hard to believe.

The sleet that fell left about an inch of fun waiting to happen for my kids after school today.  After dinner I promised them I would go outside with them to play and we did.  We took a couple of cardboard boxes and took turns sliding down our lawn to the street.  Our lawn was effectively an ice rink so we all had a blast.  Then the kids took turns pelting me with ice.  It was fun even though it hurt.  Ice began to attach to my hair on my head so I had to go inside for a better jacket with a hood.  Then my glasses fogged up which left me defenseless to the flying ice.  We all had fun.  I was without gloves so I only got one throw in before I couldn't feel my hands.  Days like this bring good memories.  Jan would always laugh at me and the kids romping around in the snow.  Today was no different.  I'm sure Jan got a good laugh.

So the author of the painting, Michael Peterson, posted it on Facebook so I assume it is ok to post here.  It was painted after the image to the right. 

I love Jan's pic in the background.  It really just captures her smile.  I think he got her smile from the photo below

So... I am going to sleep tonight with her on my mind.  I miss Jan.  She really is my best friend.

#grief #snowmemories

22 Feb 2015 (64 days after The Day)

So DFW is under a winter storm advisory.  We normally get snow every winter but this winter has been very mild.  So, the first snow in February.  It is weird but oh well.  I don't know if this will affect my ability to get me and Emma to our counseling session.  We shall see.

Today I received an oil painting a friend of mine did of one of the first photos of me holding Claire.  In the black background is a hidden image of Jan.  The artist caught Jan's spirit fully with her smile and it was all I could do to remain composed when I received it.  I was deeply touched.  It also had me feeling all over again.  I'm doing what I can to "man up" to face these feelings.  Running away is so easy but so childish.  I don't want to be that person.

I'm finishing the second dvd of the Return of the King of the Lord of the Rings tonight.  I just relate to the Hero's Journey so much.  I think we all do in some parts of our life.  To learn how to rise to the level of our potential and go through all the struggles we have to endure to earn the right to become what we become.  I have often thought of the phrase "to become" as we are all becoming something.  I find it a bit ironic that we toss around the word "worthy" in church settings and defined is "having sufficient merit or value" but looking up the history of the root word "worth" in "worthy" is founded in the phase "to become".  As I think on what God has in store for all of us I believe he is very interested in what we are all becoming or in other words... our worthiness.  After all, we are all becoming something, right?

So, on with my list

91.)  I am thankful for mirrors that provide an opportunity to have a candid conversation with yourself.
92.)  I am thankful for talents of others.  Tonight's event with the oil painting showed me a little of what God has blessed people with.  I wonder if I squander my talents or share them with others as some have done with me.
93.)  I am thankful for thick carpet and grass.  I find it relaxing to walk barefoot (when I am not breaking my toes) and feel the carpet/grass between my toes and under my feet.
94.)  I am thankful for snow.  For whatever reason snow makes winter fun.  That isn't the case for rain in the summer.  It is a reprieve from the heat though so I should probably think on that.
95.)  I am thankful for my kids joy as they play games together.  It makes me smile that this is still occurring despite all that has happened.
96.)  I am thankful for my wife's smile.  It is just healing.
97.)  I am thankful for the comforts of electricity, natural gas, and the internet.  I swear I just ignore these daily yet I am dependent upon all of them.
98.)  I am thankful that my kids enjoy spending time with me.  I enjoy chasing them and wrestling with them.  We have lots of good memories.
99.)  I am thankful for all the family games / puzzles we have.  Every game has lots of good memories.  And on that subject...
100.)  I am thankful that there were at least a couple of games that I could win consistently on against Jan.  She really stomped me on every game we played except Sorry and Uno.  Sounds funny but she got all the kids to gang up against me on these games.  That still makes me smile.

21 Feb 2015 (63 days after The Day)

Today we had some discussion on Jan.  This was the first time in a long time that my kids opened up on the subject.  To hear things from their perspective was tough.  It was tough because like a puzzle all the pieces look different when your view shifts.  This meant looking at things differently and reliving it again.  It sounds silly but a different view from a child's perspective was painful to relive because I just wish I could have done things differently to support them through the trial. 

This event has helped me to focus on helping them.  To ask myself what would I want if I were in their shoes.  They had the opportunity to speak with someone who lost their parent at an early age.  It was very good for them to hear and think about the comments that were made.  The amount of people that have gone through something like this seems to be small so when people find that common bond complete strangers can become close friends quickly.

Counseling starts on Monday.  We will see how it goes.  My time is as much evaluating the counselor as it is for me to receive counseling.  My kids will be visiting with this person as well so it will be good for this process to finally get moving.

It is late - I will write more tomorrow. 

20 Feb 2015 (62 days after The Day)

So today was a better day.  I think it was because I was able to just focus on process documentation at work.  I really can get lost in that stuff and it helps the time to fly.  Whenever I talk to anyone about Jan it is common for someone to say "but of course you feel awful... it has only been two months!"  For me it feels like both forever and yesterday.  Anger and frustration seems to be in waves and I am striving to find an outlet for this other than being in a bad mood.

so, I will continue my list

84.)  I am thankful that Claire can cry when she needs help.  Emma had a tracheotomy when she was an infant and we couldn't hear her cry because the tube in her throat was below her vocal cords.  I think Jan and I both wept when we heard her cry for the first time.  It was so sweet.  (yes... then it was not so sweet)
85.)  I am thankful for how honest my son can be with me.  I am amazed at how he is just so innocent and clear in his communications.  I strive to be like that.
86.)  I am thankful that I can shop online for nearly everything and I can do this from my phone.  I recall as a kid I purchased a bicycle frame from a BMX magazine ad and it came to the door COD.  Amazing how time has changed the ordering process.
87.)  I am thankful for kind coworkers.  I really don't know how I would get through this without people reaching out genuinely interested in how me and my family are doing.  It means an awful lot.
88.)  I am thankful for this world we have to live in that offers all the challenges life has to offer.  For me it seems that with every challenge comes a measure of strength. 
89.)  I am thankful for eyeglasses.  I just didn't realize how much I appreciate them until the morning comes when I want to get out of bed and start the day and realize I cannot see well.
90.)  I am thankful for the safety in which I live.  On TV it is a common scene to see some war zone where people are trying to live amidst chaos.  Life would be very different if I couldn't drive without the fear of attack. 

So, I'm calling it a night tonight.  More tomorrow.

19 Feb 2015 (61 days after The Day)

So I am angry today.  I came home after having a decent day at work and then I realized again that Jan was gone.  I am just upset that the situation is what it is.  I am just filled with anger and lately I think I am doing a good job at feeling all of the emotions a person can have.  So, tonight it is anger.  I'm on the edge of stability with my emotions and have decided to chill out and watch a movie.  I know that is yet another thing to help me not feel but you know, that is what I can do tonight.  I should probably write things I am thankful for so I will write a few and call it a night.

81.)  I am thankful to have a roof that doesn't leak.
82.)  I am thankful to have a couple of DVDs that teach good lessons.  Tonight it is Return of the King from The Lord of the Rings.
83.)  I am thankful for my Claire and that I'm starting to bond with her.  It is really good.  It will be better when she reaches for me to hold her but for now I will take what I can get.  I took this pic when I got home.  She was snuggled in her bed fast asleep.  She really is a gift from God.  I just hate that Jan gave her life in the process.

18 Feb 2015 (60 days after The Day)

Today I had some feeling moments.  They are tough but not as stinging as before.  That is good.  Every feeling day leaves me feeling exhausted. 

71.) I am thankful for exhaustion.  Feeling like this helps me appreciate when I am not.  I also can sympathize with those that are exhausted.  I have had my share of being tired but sixty straight days is just really tough.
72.) I am thankful for cool winter air that cleans the lungs.
73.) I am thankful for symbolism of good character traits.  We have a small stature of Joan of Arc that Jan received sometime in her life before we were married and I think this statue symbolizes many of the virtues Jan holds dear.
74.) I am thankful for smiles.  Smiles and yawns are contagious and I find myself smiling when others are smiling.  It really does help brighten my day.
75.) I am thankful for craftsmen/women who sign their name to a product.  I think of Lockheed Martin's tradition where the chief aircraft engineers put their wallet and car keys in a pouch that is put in the cabin of every test flight.  That is ownership.
76.)  I am thankful for electricity.  This seems silly but I just take this for granted.  I look around and nearly everything in my home is powered or cared for in some way by electricity.
77.)  I am thankful for being able to take big breaths.  I recall times where I had the wind knocked out of me not being able to breathe.  Breathing is important and breathing deep is invaluable when you need oxygen.
78.)  I am thankful for healing bodies.   It seems our bodies will do what they need to heal as long as we get out of the way.  I am amazed by that.
77.)  I am thankful not to be a slave.  Treating another human as an object is probably one of the worst things we as humans can do to one another.
78.)  I am thankful for sweet comments from my children.
79.)  I am thankful for pure compassion my children have for me and each other during this tough time.
80.)  I am thankful for the opportunity I had to share what I thought someone should give for valentines day.  It would be what I would give and what I never did.  A gift from the heart and a letter expressing my honest and true feelings of love and gratitude.  I may have butchered some things while Jan was alive but if I can assist any of my friends I feel like I am helping.

17 Feb 2015 (59 days after The Day)

So a strange thing happened to me today.  It started like another day.  Got up, got the kids fed and off to school.  Went to work and so forth.  Everything was a normal day.  Then I came home for the day.  I realized that Jan was gone.  Isn't that weird?  I just realized that she will not be coming back and that I am alone.  I was hit with sudden sadness.  Yes, she was my companion and wife but more than that she was my best friend.  I just realized my best friend is gone.  The isolation I thought I was beginning to move through just came back and hit me full force in the chest.  It is sobering to think of.  I honestly have been thinking her absence is just for a moment and she will be back but I just realized that she won't.  That realization is so painful that I can barely type my feelings.  I suppose that is my body's way of coping with these emotions.  I realize it is bad and then I get busy and forget for a moment... then I not only remember but I am cast back into the furnace and relive the hell I went through.  I have pain for sure and I have suffering but then it goes away.  I really do know everything will work out but I just really miss my best friend.  I miss being able to confide in her and she in me.  We would talk things out and share our dreams.  We would laugh together and just comfort each other through life's challenges.   I know this stuff comes in waves and every time I end up typing the same entry about being sad.  Then stable... then sad... then stable.. then perhaps happy then sad and so forth.  What a mess.

So, I read my son a book tonight and am sitting outside his room on the floor as he falls asleep.  With him on my mind I will continue my list.

61.)  I am thankful for my kids creativity.  My son has no electronic games/tv/ipad/etc.. in his room so he has colored events on paper and taped them to his bookcase to look like TV channels.  He and my daughters act out what is drawn.  It is entertaining for sure.
62.)  I am thankful for nightlights.  They light the way enough in the dark to illuminate legos on the floor.  My feet thank you.
63.)  I am thankful for Ammon's love of legos.  He and I have played building all types of vehicles and planes.  Lots of good memories.
64.)  I am thankful for the night.  Darkness for me brings rest.
65.)  I am thankful for the stars.  They help me realize how insignificant I am in the wonders God has created yet also help me realize the love he has for all his kids.  I think that if the universe is that amazing why would little old me matter.... and yet, I feel I do.
66.)  I am thankful for people who misspell names.  I always laughed that people couldn't spell Jan's name.  Seriously three letters!  But nearly all she said her name to would spell it "Jane".  I'm not making that up.  We were members at the Houston Museum of Natural Science and when our membership card came it said "Mr. Jane Weezer".  I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.  I keep it today as a good bookmark.
67.)  I am thankful for drivers on the road who are cautious.  They help me to just chill out.  Jan said I was too aggressive as a driver because I would drive with my thumb on the horn.  I told her... I'm still driving like I am in Houston.
68.)  I am thankful for kind strangers.  Jan signed up with a pest control company years ago and after Jan's death I had to address an outstanding bill.  Today I received a sympathy card hand-signed by tons of people from the company.  Who does that these days?  I was deeply touched.
69.)  I am thankful for the sounds of the dishwasher / AC/Furnace.  They offer a bit of white noise and calm my troubles.
70.)  I am thankful for paper plates and disposable forks/spoons/knives.  I never realized how beneficial they were until just after Jan passed.  I don't think we ran the dishwasher once in a week.  It sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for but honestly I couldn't think straight that week and not doing dishes was very helpful to me.

Claire's tummy is beginning to settle a little.  I'm thankful that she is sleeping more and that is beneficial to both Grandma and me.

16 Feb 2015 (58 days after The Day)

Another day gone.  Seems that "normal" today is very different from the past.  I got my car back from the shop and will now take it to get a little body work done.  Once that is done I'll get it detailed and then sell it.  Just one of many tasks I'm trying to juggle.  I need to get an appointment with Social Security too.  I hear there may be benefits for my kids.  If so, great but I am not holding my breath.

I purchased Minecraft for my kids to play.  They are enjoying the break that it offers.  I even joined in a little.  I'm not much of a "gamer".  I played a game once that tracked how long I had played.  The game said I played it for over 40 hours so I just quit.  I can't imagine playing a game that long even though it was just an hour here and an hour there.  I figured I would rather spend 40 hours in reality although these days living in virtual reality has its benefits!  Anyway, I enjoyed an hour of Minecraft with my kids and we all had a good laugh as I was doing everything "wrong" in the game.

So, some things I am thankful for:

51.)  I am thankful for my children's laughter.  It brings a smile to my face even when I don't feel like smiling.
52.) I am thankful for video games that can bring families together.  Tonight was filled with good memories.  The only better one was with Jan and I trying to do Wii Sports (tennis) with each other.  Ah... that still makes me laugh.
53.) I am thankful for photos.  Being able to just look around my home and capture moments in life with Jan and/or my kids fill me with happiness.
54.) I am thankful for quilts that are so heavy they feel like you are pinned into the bed.  For some reason heavy quilts are comforting to me on winter nights.  (my wife would argue that I would take a heavy quilt during the summer too... which is probably true)
55.) I am thankful for Claire's baby sounds.  They (the non-crying type) are soothing.
56.) I am thankful for Jan's ability to speak her mind.  I always knew how she felt about something.
57.) I am thankful for my limited commute.  The time saved was spent with my family and those are moments I cherrish.
58.) I am thankful for good family memories as a kid.  My sisters and I have some of the funniest growing up memories that I cherish.
59.) I am thankful for honest people in the world.  It seems silly but honesty seems to be rare these days. 
60.) I am thankful for growing up with only my Mom as my parent.  My father's view on life was so different from my mothers that I wonder if they hadn't gotten a divorce where my views would be on life.  I believe they would be very different in a negative way.



 

15 Feb 2015 (57 days after The Day)

So today was another whirlwind of emotion.  I had an opportunity to talk to someone who lost their mother at a young age.  It was very healing to hear what her impressions were at such a young age.  She both calmed and confirmed fears of mine.  I believe this event is just one that will play out one day at a time.  I keep hearing that time heals and that is comforting but it also sucks because every time I want time to speed up it seems to go slower.

I took all the kids to see Jan's grave today.  It was the first time Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon were together to go see the grave since the burial.  It was good for all of us to have gone there.

So, to continue my list:

41.)  I am thankful that Valentine's Day is over.  This was, as expected, a tough holiday for me.  I'm glad it is over.
42.)  I am thankful for grandma to help make Valentine's Day a positive experience for my kids.
43.)  I am thankful for a t-shirt Emma got me that touched my heart.
44.)  I am thankful for a work discussion I had with my sister to elaborate on some of the challenges that exist in the business/IT relationship.  Yes, it was work related but I enjoy talking about this stuff so it was a welcomed break from my normal thought processes.
45.)  I am thankful for Holy Temples that pronounce eternal marriages.  Jan's passing has me reflecting on that fact and I take comfort in it.
46.)  I am thankful for a squirrel that has taken up residence in a bird house in our tree.  We got a good laugh today as he/she poked its head out of the hole to just check out what was going on.
47.)  I am thankful for social media that enables friends from times past to connect together.  I value all that I have made over the years.
48.)  I am thankful for the camera on Jan's phone that captured so many good pictures of our family.
49.)  I am thankful for the camera on my phone to that captured so many good pictures of our family.
50.)  I am thankful for the microphone on my phone that captured so many funny audio clips of my family.  Treasures to be kept for sure.

14 Feb 2015 (56 days after The Day)

So, while I trudge through on the honest trail I have thought about my relationship with God.  I have thought how at times I have been so close and others not close at all.  Through all of these events I have realized that I was the one moving... not God.  And this is good.  I understand what it is like to not have him around and also what it is like to feel completely connected.  I think on why having connections with God is important and I think it is much like realizing that you don't have all the answers and leaning on God is really a good.  It is good not to be like a drone where you want God to make your every move.  (I get frustrated by this belief).  Rather - I think it is like doing and being your best and having God to support you through this learning time.

When my kids come to me and ask for help with a problem often I want to see what they have tried to do on their own.  I know how to solve the problem and me solving it won't help them.  What will help them is for me to know where they are and take over where they left off.  I think God works this way.  Action seems to be required to get guidance.  This is just an observation I have in my own life.   

Dust has started to collect on a lot of Jan's possessions.  That is difficult to see.  I have a real fear of forgetting.  As time marches on so do my memories.  Can you recall all that you did yesterday?  How about 10, 20,  or 30 years ago?  That is my concern.  Take for example my grandfather.  This is my mother's father.  He was really a father figure for me and he died when I was 17.  I would spend summers with my grandparents and my memories fade as time marches on.  What was so vividly clear is now clouded over.  I recall feelings mostly.  Feelings and hear phrases he would say in my mind.  20 years have passed since he died and I hold tight to these memories.  I suppose I will do the same with Jan.

I just broke my toe ... again.  Then I was hobbling around and stumped it.  So... onto my thankful list.

31.) I am thankful for broken bones.  They help me to appreciate the ones that aren't.
32.) I am thankful for intense physical pain.  It helps me to learn how to manage my initial outcry giving me hope for normal emotional reactions to non-physical pain.
33.) I am thankful for good books and movies.  I often find myself watching Lord of the Rings or reading Beowulf to reflect on the hero's journey.
34.)  I am thankful for the selfless acts of my children as they shower me with love.  They teach me lessons every time.
35.) I am thankful for a dishwasher that runs every time it is needed.
36.) I am thankful for a vehicle that runs.
37.) I am thankful for my son's desire to sleep in my bed for comfort.  That lets me know my kids know they can come to me anytime they need.
38.) I am thankful for my son's Tae Kwon Do.  They teach him so many good character traits that I hope he holds the rest of his life.
39.) I am thankful for Madilyn's soccer activities.  Her coach has helped her to play as a team and utilize the talents of the entire group. 
40.) I am thankful for Emma's artistic talent.  It has humbled me to realize how talents are placed in your children that far exceed those of her parents.  And yet here am I to help her develop them.

13 Feb 2015 (55 days after The Day)

Today I had a very good conversation with a good friend about being real.  We spoke about the challenges of life and how being real with yourself can often be the most difficult thing.  It is so easy to pick out or identify issues with others.  It is easy to see things that you yourself don't have to address.  It is much like looking at someone and saying "Wow, you are fat.  You should probably go to the gym and lay off the sweets" or "She is so insensitive.  She should think about how her words are received".  Of course all of this is easy to say because that is all you have to do is say it; however, if you were to receive this information it gives you a different perspective.  Generally speaking if you receive this information you may initially deflect it and justify your actions away.  This is the path of least resistance when dealing with someone's accusations you may feel are either false or somewhat true but they are not your judge.  What happens when the accusations come from yourself?  Perhaps that is why looking in the mirror and being honest is so difficult.  What do you deflect?  When I sat down and wrote out my fears and concerns a couple of days ago it was the first time I was really honest with myself.  It was a good moment and while it was difficult it has helped me turn the page that I didn't want to turn.  To face the crossroads and decide to feel.  It is very difficult but I see no other option other than to "curse God, and die" as in the book of Job 2:9.  To feel is so difficult but there is hope.  I keep reminding myself of this.  Hope is the precursor of faith.

So, to continue the list from yesterday: 

21.)  I am thankful for friends that are honest.
22.)  I am thankful for a wife that accepts me for who I am both good and bad.
23.)  I am thankful for a daughter that doesn't know who I am but trusts me.
24.)  I am thankful for quiet moments to think and reflect throughout the day.
25.)  I am thankful for finding a cemetery that is close for my kids to visit.
26.)  I am thankful for the outpouring of support me and my family received that helped us through this ordeal.
27.)  I am thankful for our rocking chair that has lasted for every child.
28.)  I am thankful for challenges coming in waves so I can prepare during good times for the times that won't be so good.
29.)  I am thankful for good neighbors - they have been such a support to me.
30.)  I am thankful for music and the joy it brings to my home.

12 Feb 2015 (54 days after The Day)

Claire has decided to wake up when someone lays her down.  I think it will be a long night.

I think on the challenges that parenthood offer for infants.  Tears from the infant that lead to tears from the adult. 

Ok, I got her down for the night.  Today was a challenge.  I was able to get some work done and I was able to get some details ironed out for my wife's school she founded.  It was again difficult to turn over some of the core aspects of the website.  Just letting go of that was like letting go of my wife again.  I get the impression that Jan is ok.  I know it sounds weird but I have a bit of peace on this subject and I just feel everything will be ok.

So, adding to the list from yesterday -

11 - I am thankful for the friendships my children have made.
12 - I am thankful for the support complete strangers have given us.
13 - I am thankful for financial support given by those that have viewed this site.  I am humbled and very appreciative.  I am without words to adequately express my thanks.
14 - I am thankful for the quiet time before going to sleep.  While it is difficult for me it also helps me reflect on life and gives  me an opportunity to feel.
15 - I am thankful for a bed big enough to accommodate my kids when they are frightened.
16 - I am thankful for my faith
17 - I am thankful for my journaling - it has helped me process my thoughts and feelings
18 - I am thankful for my cats - I don't even care for cats but over the years they have grown on me.
19 - I am thankful for the trees that surround my home.  When we lived in Houston we had very little trees in our neighborhood because it was new.  My home is surrounded by trees.  This brings peace to my thoughts.
20 - I am thankful for the wildlife that are in the neighborhood because of the forests.  This brings entertainment for my children and peace to me.

Overall I believe I am beginning the upward climb to health.  It has been difficult but yesterday I feel there was a shift.  I'm hoping it is permenant.

11 Feb 2015 (53 days after The Day)

Today was a better day.  It started off like before.  I just had a moment where my concerns were lifted.  I don't know how everything is going to work out... I just know that it will.

I took Madilyn and Ammon by Jan's grave tonight.  It was good but tough.  They both commented that you can really see the stars there.  We have a telescope and I suggested that we go look at the stars with Mom since she is in the perfect spot.  There are few lights and the lights from the city are diminished some. 

I'm exhausted again.  I'm having a hard time describing it and most people say "of course you are tired"  but it isn't like physical exhaustion as much as it is mental.  I just feel like collapsing.  I think I did a little too much today or something.  I don't know.

Well, Claire is cute as a button.  She enjoys looking at us and studying us out.  We had a physical therapist evaluate Claire and she took some notes and said she would like to follow-up in 3 months.  So far so good.  Claire seems to be "normal" for her age.

Emma seems to be battling a cold.  Tis the season.  I hope Claire can avoid it while Emma recovers.  Emma asked for a healing blessing tonight so I administered one and then Madilyn said she wanted a comfort blessing so I gave her one.  Everyone is missing Jan.

I realized I have been very focused on things I have no control over.  I need to begin thinking of things I should be thankful/grateful for.  So, I will start a list:

1 - I'm thankful for Claire, Ammon, Madilyn, and Emma.  They bring such joy to my life.  They make me laugh.
2 - I'm thankful that Claire is recovering and showing great progress
3 - I'm thankful for Jan and the time I had to share with her.  I value her council she gave and the laughs we had.  All good memories.
4 - I'm thankful for grandma and her sacrifice she has made in raising me and my two sisters as a single parent.  I never grasped what that meant until now.  She sacrificed a lot and I am thankful that she pressed forward through all life's challenges
5 - I'm thankful that grandma has been able to help us out.  Jan's departure is such a challenge and the load has been lightened with her help.  I am forever grateful.
6 - I'm thankful that we are able to experience pain.  Pain for me has seemed to help my capacity to love increase.
7 - I'm thankful for my employment and the joy I have working with the people there.
8 - I'm thankful for having great mentors in my life.  My current and past supervisors have helped me be a better person/employee/manager.
9 - I'm thankful that my father made choices I thought were poor and anti-family.  Those choices have helped me focus on being the best dad I can be.
10 - I'm thankful for the love my family (both those that are alive and those that have already passed) have for me.  Their patience with me has helped me to press forward.

I will focus on adding to this daily. 

 

10 Feb 2015 (52 days after The Day)

6:35 pm

So today I did something I have never done.  I was extremely honest with myself.  Don't get me wrong I think I am honest but today I wrote down my fears, likes, and dislikes about myself.  I had a hard time typing it.  Seriously.  It was a bit therapeutic because once I wrote it I felt like it was off my chest.  Jan's passing has put me in a spiral out of emotional control.  I really am a mess.  I am always complimented on how composed I am but apparently I have a good poker face.  Me writing things down helped me state my real concerns ... my real fears.  My real likes and dislikes.  I realized that Claire was asked to come here and had no control over the situation.  I was raised without much of a father figure and I suppose I turned out ok.  I worry about Claire not having a mother.  I worry about being a good dad.  I am complimented on being a good dad but I wonder if "good" is good enough.


11:05 pm

I spent time with my former bishop.  He gave me some good council.  I feel mentally spent.  Today was a big feeling day.  I am beyond tired. 

09 Feb 2015 (51 days after The Day)

I think the weather changes are playing havoc on everyone in my family.  That isn't helping Claire much. 

I had a discussion today at work about the healing process.  I was told during the mourning process I would probably regret something or feel like I wish I had been a better husband.  I disagreed.  I thought about what a husband's duties are and I think I did all I could do.  I do feel I could have done some things better but I just hadn't gotten to that before Jan died.  So overall I don't have any regrets.  The one thing I feel I could have done better at is to participate more in family planning of activities... from activities with the family on the weekend to planning the weekly meal schedule.  I really neglected this.  I also think I could have expressed my thanks more with unexpected surprises like me arranging child care and taking Jan out on a date.  So, life lessons are good to learn.  I just wish I could have applied them while Jan was here.  She had such patience with me or perhaps it is fair to say we had equal amounts of patience with each other.   We were each trying to improve and that simple understanding that she was in my corner cheering me on is something I miss more than anything.  I just undervalued the price of support from my best friend.

So, I changed the battery in my car this evening and found that my car still won't start.  Yay!  I am sooo excited about this.  I've decided to sell the car since Jan is not here.  Since Grandma has her own vehicle that is newer than my car it just makes sense to sell my commuter vehicle.  I'll keep the van for toting all of our stuff everywhere since we need seating for 6 and my car only will hold 5.

Soccer practice starts tomorrow and Madilyn is excited.  I'm dreading having to talk to the parents there.  Hopefully it will be ok.  Being everywhere for everyone is tough.  I tip my hat to single parents.  I always knew it was tough having been raised in a single-parent home but seriously there is a difference between reading/hearing about and living.  As a kid I didn't think anything was wrong or difficult ... as a parent I don't know how I will get through this.

 

08 Feb 2015 (50 days after The Day)

So I found myself over the past few days doing all I can to avoid feeling.  Is that childish?  Oh well.  That is reality.  As I try to face the real feelings of loss and pain it hurts so I avoid it.  I find little triggers daily that say "hey remember this?" or "doesn't this ring a bell?"  Every reminder stings.  Every reminder makes it difficult to go through the necessary feeling for healing.

I went by Jan's grave tonight with Emma.  It was a tough moment.  As we looked upon an unmarked pile of dirt it was just surreal.  Emma asked when we are getting a headstone and I told her shortly.  It is one of many on my list of to-dos.

Claire slept a long time last night.  She is eating and eating these days.  I also think she is a bit sick too.  Her tummy has been a bit unsettled.  She is smiling more these days too and that is always comforting.

So, I am struggling with the fact that people put on a "Sunday face" and are not real.  I think people can do wonders for each other on Sunday to just be real.  The fake "everything is perfect" is something that everyone may want to portray but is not what people want to surround themselves with.  So, for me, this is a real issue on Sundays.  Jan worked very hard over the last few years to not be run by some pattern and to be authentic.  That meant that sometimes people didn't want to hear what she had to say.  I suppose I am finding myself in that same place.  Standing for truth is difficult when you are the minority.  The comfort is that truth is still the truth regardless of the support.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  I don't have to support someone's inability to live in reality.  THAT is the real challenge.  I always thought Jan was amazing at being able to allow someone to believe whatever they wanted and still hold boundaries on what she believed.  She embraced freedom of choice.  She would listen to all types of beliefs and not criticize them.  She just was open because her beliefs were firm.  I miss her terribly.  I still hope this is some freakish dream that I will wake up from.

07 Feb 2015 (49 days after The Day)

So I read today that I still am exhibiting some of the attributes of being in shock.  I also realized that I am also trying to not share my feelings which is not helping my healing process.  As uncomfortable as this is I understand that I need to be honest with myself and others.  If I neglect to do this I understand that this grieving process can go on for a very long time.  I know I mentioned it before but the title of a book Jan has is so very true.  Feelings buried alive never die.  I just need to acknowledge this and keep it in front of me. 

I had a heart-to-heart discussion with Emma today and it was the first time I put words to a feeling that has plagued me since Jan's departure.  You see, Jan and I are on the same page with order and discipline in our home.  We have chores for our kids to do and we have appropriate ways for our kids to share their feelings without shouting.  Since Jan's departure I have been a one-man-band with this edict.  I never realized how much I depended on Jan and I'm sure how much she depended on me so that we could support each other to enforce this standard.  Today Emma and I had some conflicts that had to be resolved.  She needed some time to calm down and once she did we were able to talk openly.  I realized in our conversation that I was alone in my quest for establishing this standard.  Grandma isn't really aware of what Jan and I had established and my kids are well.... kids.  They will challenge any standard and that is ok.  I just never realized how alone I felt until today when I was talking with Emma.  As odd as it sounds with me feeling a portion of me died with Jan I think it is also safe to say a portion of Jan is still alive in me.  With that being said I think I am able to think about how she would respond to some of these challenges and adjust accordingly.  Overall it is a lonely feeling. 

My sleeping quality seems to be decreasing.  I was accustomed to going to sleep at 12-1 and getting up at 6.  Now I go to sleep around 9, get up to feed Claire sometime between 1-3 and then get back to sleep around 5 and wake up around 7.  I feel like I haven't slept at all.  When I try to sleep it is a joke.  My mind is going a million miles an hour and being able to relax is not easy.  I really have a very difficult time staying awake after 9.  It is like I am 80 or something.  It isn't like I yawn and say "I'm tired... I'm going to bed".  It is more like complete exhaustion.  Hmmm... ok, like if you have ever taken a large exam you had to study hard for... some final exam... You know how you feel after the exam?  You know how you feel like your mind is Jello?  Well, imagine that with running a long distance where your body is equally tired.  That is about where I am at.  Just exhausted.  One day at a time.  I'm still trying to find something I enjoy that is just me that will work for my energy level.  I just don't have the energy to pull out my horn and play anything.... I just have no desire.  It is a bummer because when I listen to songs like Dave Brubeck's Take Five I can imagine playing along and that brings a bit of happiness but like all playing it takes work to get something sounding halfway decent.  I'm still thinking on what I can do.

06 Feb 2015 (48 days after The Day)

Today was a lot of feeling.  A lot of remembering.  A lot of energy spent.  Tears and trials as I try to figure out what this new normal is supposed to be like.  When I was 17 my grandfather passed away.  It was also quite sudden.  For a while I was in a sort of funk.  I didn't really get back to "normal" ever.  It was just new.  I suppose this is the same.  I am in a new chapter not wanting to start reading.

The discussion today that had me thinking was surrounding my interests.  What I do for fun.  Over the last few years I have really forgotten what that is.  My time was filled caring for my wife through the many challenges she had.  As it stands now I don't have a desire to do anything.  As a kid I recall being filled with joy when I found out we were going to the public pool or when I got to go to the park.  I enjoyed riding my bike as a kid and spent hours riding everywhere in my neighborhood.  When I went to college I worked a ton.  I suppose I just enjoyed my classes in college.  I did enjoy band.  Both in high school and college I played in the jazz bands and enjoyed playing.  Recently I started playing again and remembered the fun that came from that.  The music I enjoy involves more than one player so perhaps I need to find other saxophonists to start playing with.  I don't know.  Finding personal joy is something that may take a moment for me.  I have joy in my family but as I experienced yesterday I need to find something that is just me or I may fall apart when other life events occur.

Well, another day has passed.  Valentines day is approaching and I cannot wait for it to be over.  My daughter Emma would like to do something special on that day.  I'm sure that is a better idea than not doing anything but it is a real struggle for me.

Until tomorrow -  

05 Feb 2015 (47 days after The Day)

So today was like another day.  The difference came at dinner tonight.  Ammon is sick and asleep on the couch.  Claire is sleeping.  Emma and Madilyn were watching a show in grandma's room and grandma and I were sitting and eating.  It was quiet.  The quiet at the dinner table was too much for me.  I've heard that people can go about their lives like normal after events like this.  Everything is "normal" until a change occurs.  So when kids move out of the house and there is a switch from "normal" to something else the person who has been so controlled seems to fall apart.  I found myself doing this at the table.  Nothing changed.  Nothing was different other than no kids were with me at the dinner table.  I suppose it was the first time I sat at the dinner table with just my mom for dinner.  Without the kids to bring a bit of chaos it was silent.  The silence was cutting.  I couldn't stay seated once this hit and got up to do anything I could.

I keep thinking that the time between now and when I see Jan will be short because it always has been.  I went overseas for two weeks at a time and have had constant trips taking a handful of days and I always return to her.  It is like I am waiting for her to return... or for me to return to her.  It is weird.  If I knew I would see Jan tomorrow or a few days or even in a month or year it would be so much easier to take than just not knowing when we will see each other again.  I don't like not knowing.  This not knowing is the very essence of the pain that I am filled with.  What if it isn't tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year?  What if it is in 50 years.  What if I live to 110?  What if old age or time makes me forget?  I don't want to forget and yet I do.  I don't want to be in pain any more and the only solution I know of is to be back with Jan but that is only a half-baked view of life.  True happiness would be having all my family together again.  So how does one be happy without the very thing that brings happiness?

Tonight I am filled with exhaustion.  I am so very thankful for my mom being here to assist me.  I honestly do not know what I would do without her.  I am a mess.

04 Feb 2015 (46 days after The Day)

So I find myself waiting on my kids to finish an activity.  It is quiet and I am alone.  The rush of work is still there for me to tap into and I have turned it off for a while.  I am in the car parked with the motor running and no radio on.  I'm watching the kids of other families arrive and run in with anticipation to the night's activities.  It wasn't long ago I sat in this car with my son giving my wife a break from all the activity in the home.  Ammon and I would make believe we were flying in a spaceship as we waited for his sisters to return from their activities.  It sounds strange but in all the happy faces I see I also see faces that postulate their future as certain.  It is weird.  I am an optimist.  I take a lot of crap from people for being one because I see a positive in everything yet here I sit looking at people knowing that the one thing that is certain is that there is uncertainty in life events.  Yes, we can make good choices and we can reap the rewards for those choices AND we can also be dealt a challenge we were not planning for.  How do you plan for this?  No, that is the wrong question.  Planning for events are easy.  How do you accept the truth of an event when it occurs?  I can and did do a little planning for Jan and my death; however, accepting this as a reality is just a very hard pill to swallow.  Don't get me wrong... I am able to "function".  I can carry on a conversation and not bust out with emotion (mostly).  I have accepted the logical aspect of Jan's loss but not the emotional attachment.  Every night I get into a king sized bed without my kids so now it is really a feeling of being alone.  I hear Claire sleeping in her crib and that helps me relax.  I just didn't realize the emotional attachment a spouse has.  Wow.  I mean here is someone who knows you better than yourself in many ways.  They know your habits, strengths, weaknesses, talents, and ambitions.  They help you to be a better you.  They are there for you in every way.  They are loyal to you because of the love you have for each other.  The feeling and actions are mutual.  This isn't one-sided.  This isn't "you go 50% and I'll go 50%".  It is both going 110% because they want to.  They go 110% because they want the other person to be successful as much as they do for themselves and often at the expense of their own success.  I'm sure the devastation would be equal if life events had me leave and Jan stay.  Am I doing what is right?  Am I doing what is needed?  I don't know.  I do know I am doing what I can to the best of my abilities.  Quiet reflection is good... for now.

Ammon struggles.  Here is a sweet pic of Ammon (5 yrs) and Jan in a Mother-Son date on 31 Aug 2013.  They went for ice cream at sonic.  It is one of my most prized pictures.

They are good memories built from a tradition I'm glad we started.  We alternated mom/dad dates with the kids and we had fun memories built.  We didn't always take pictures but ones like this let me know we were doing something right.  I'm glad Jan had a camera (phone) to take pics like this.  Some of the best pictures I have are of the kids and their events where the only camera we have is our phone.  It is amazing how phone technology has helped our family document the lives of our kids and our marriage.  They are some of the best photos.



 

03 Feb 2015 (45 days after The Day)

So today was a day I tried to get back to what was a normal routine.  I am generally wiped out after about 2 pm but today I was able to push through.  Claire is taking more and more milk.  Instead of eating every 4 hours she is eating about every 2.  So her milk intake is almost doubling.  She battles gas still but she is putting on weight so I am a happy camper. 

We had some friends come up from Houston to visit and my kids have really enjoyed visiting with them.  My kids and I seem to go through waves of sadness and times like this help us forget for a moment and enjoy life a bit.  I don't know if forget is the right word because we never forget... but we do have a moment where the sadness isn't as intense.

I finally got Claire to sleep tonight.  I'm glad she is finally sleeping.  Everything is still like a dream.

02 Feb 2015 (44 days after The Day)

Claire is doing well.  We took her for a well check today and they said she is gaining weight and whatever we are doing to keep it up.  Grandma took a picture of her in the car on the way home and she looks less than amused.

I love her hair though.  It is all over the place!  Her look is wonderful.  She has the Jan intensity look.  The "I don't find what you are doing amusing" look.  She looked at me today.  I mean really really looked at me.  Normally she looks over my shoulder or above my head but today she stared directly into my eyes for the first time for a very long time.  She smiled.  I needed that.

I had some friends over tonight and it was good to laugh again.  That was much needed.  Times like this I just wish Jan was here to enjoy their company as well. 

Claire has been fighting gas pains again and needless to say she is exhausted from crying.  She took a full bottle tonight so hopefully she is able to get some rest.  The Dr. said this should stop by 3 months.  I hope so for everyone's sanity.

Jan and I had our bathroom put back together after being disassembled for about 3 years due to a water leak.  After getting it all back together I noticed outside that the water from the shower is leaking outside.  You know, normally I would be so upset at this.  I really don't care to spend any energy on this.  It will get fixed like anything else.  I am just inconvenienced for a while for my bathroom to be ripped back up.  You know, statistics are in my favor to have a really good year this year.  Here is hoping for it!

01 Feb 2015 (43 days after The Day)

Honesty - What a simple but sometimes difficult topic.  Today there was a discussion on what a group that only meets once a week could do to be more united.  I have thought on this subject long and hard.  I find this root cause also in relationships at work, church, amongst friends, etc..  The root cause for distant relationships is trust and honesty.  We guard and protect ourselves.  Often this is done to protect our beliefs from those that would not care for them.  So, in a real way, honesty and trust go hand in hand.  Sure there is forced honesty where someone is threatened if they do not give the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth but when not threatened honesty and trust are inseparable.  So, how do you build trust?  I believe you build it by giving it away.  I am guarded.  I have a very close group that I trust.  I have made mistakes over the years by not being completely honest by feeling that I needed to be loyal to a certain group.  With Jan I could be completely honest.  I didn't have secrets and neither did she.  This open aspect of our relationship allowed us to help each other through all types of struggles.  We knew each others weaknesses and strengths.  We helped keep each other in check and while it was irritating it was also good.  I knew she was helping me to be a better person and the feeling was mutual when I helped her. 

Today marks an interesting event on my calendar.  Today is the first time the Superbowl has been on in my home ever.  In the 15 years that Jan and I have been married we both never watched football.  Ever.  With grandma here well.... it is a time for new traditions.  I need to get grandma up to speed on real football... soccer.  We are also big baseball fans so there is no surprise that baseball will be watched here.  I've always been a big Houston Astros fan having worked there in the past and having good family memories but now that we are in Arlington I have started to watch the Rangers.  Anyway, so football in my home.  Never happened in the past and now it is.  Go Orliers er... Texans I guess.

I've been dealing with anger recently.  Anger at how my life has turned upside down.  Anger at how this isn't "fair".  I cringe when I hear the "fair" term used because what is that in life?  Fairness?  Seriously?  Life isn't fair.  Period.  To use it sounds like I am a victim.  There is a type of "victim" vocabulary that I refuse to use.  I don't want to give any energy to being a victim because you are acted upon as a victim.  No, I am not going to be acted upon.  I will act.  I will drive this bus.  I am ok with the fact that life isn't fair but I am also not willing to have events occur and say "woe is me".  Nothing good comes from that. So my wife dies and leaves me with 4 kids all under the age of 13.  So I am under 40.  So I have staggering medical bills that are still flowing in.  So what.  Life is more than giving energy to events that you have no control over.  It is like being angry that it is raining.  What good comes of this?  And yet.... I am angry.  I am angry because I assumed like everyone else on planet Earth that they and their family will live to be old and gray.  I assumed that life memories would be built together as a family.  I assumed all would go as planned without any trouble.  I assumed there would always be a tomorrow.  I knew we would all eventually die but I never thought it would be early in life.

So, I understand that feeling takes energy but being angry takes much more.  I want to be free from anger.  I have let irritations fester into anger from various people I interact with.  All draining what little energy I have.  So, I will take the first step of just letting go of some of this.  I cling to it to justify my feelings and yet the other parties involved go about their day without any knowledge of any wrongdoing.  Or.. if they do know they don't care.  Regardless of which it is doesn't matter.  It is draining my energy and I will not give it out any longer.  I will begin tonight.