28 March 2015 (98 days after The Day)

What a day.  That seems to be a common opening of a post.  It all started with getting Ammon going this morning and ready and off to Tae Kwon Do.  Once Tae Kwon Do was completed we immediately left for a birthday party.  Once that was done we did some shopping for a family we know and then back home to rest for a quick moment and then off to a soccer game.  Once the soccer game was done we had a quick dinner and then Madilyn and Emma have gone to a conference at church.  They should be back soon.  Ammon and I watched a movie and Claire is just plain exhausted from the day.  She ate a few bottles, took her medicine, and is down for the night.  The pictures I took today with her were of a single definition.  Tolerance.

I spoke to my mom on the phone tonight and realized that while I am busy with life I am not "ok" inside.  Friends, family, and complete strangers have poured out so much love upon my little family and I am humbled by it.  I wish it would "fix" things but when silence comes I just feel pain all over again.  I am left alone with my kids trying to be strong.  I don't know if I am.  I believe that it is difficult to lift anyone up when you are not above them so my personal struggles with Jan's departure have led me to struggle in being a good dad.  I'm hurting just as my kids are and we all put on a "happy face" in public.  So here I am typing another post into the void.  I'm sure these posts will mean something to me later in life.  Right now I just wonder when and how true healing will occur.