So I did something today that I have not done ever. In detail I related and relived the events of how everything transpired to someone. This was both good and difficult. It was good to talk about it to someone. It was difficult because all those feelings from 80 days ago came right back like it was yesterday. The struggle of the birth, the struggle for life for Claire, the struggle for life for Jan, realizing Jan was leaving me, realizing I had to talk with my kids, and realizing I was alone. What a road to travel. It was good to discuss. It was good because I no longer feel like I alone know all the intricate details of the stuff I didn't write on this blog. I think it is natural for anyone associated with a loss to feel like they were somehow responsible or they could have prevented it. There is nothing I can do about the past so I am not entertaining that thought. I am just striving to do my best moving forward. Looking back I don't know if I could have or would have changed anything. I do think I would have been more sincere in sharing my thoughts with my wife. This event has made me a better person.... but what a cost. This reminds me of the freedoms we have in our nation and the phrase "Freedom isn't free" There is a cost to all growth.
