Well... therapy is hard. You must feel to heal. I have been really struggling with accepting this reality. With my mom out of my home it is almost like it was before Jan's death. It sounds weird but it is almost like she isn't gone. I am struggling to accept her departure.
Ammon and Emma are both ill. Madilyn and Claire are ok. Claire is consuming so much more milk. She now stands in my lap all the time and just has the cutest smile. I wish Jan could hold her.
I went shopping for food tonight while a family friend watched Claire and my other kids. I found myself talking to Jan as I pushed the cart. I suppose people who saw me thought I was loony. Just simple conversations ... that is what I miss so much.
Tomorrow is a busy day with more of me trying to figure out how to be at two places at once. I'm getting help but it is hour by hour until I can get something permanent in place. Scheduling like this makes me feel like I really neglected Jan's dealings in this arena. I just accepted her scheduling as something she would figure out. It was selfish. So, once again I see the value in sacrifice. I hate it that Jan is gone and I love it that I am more aware. I wish I could be this aware without Jan's death.
I feel this blog goes in circles. I would like to just point toward healing and then head directly there; however, for me it seems that a direct path is too potent and I am unable to process it. I have to get acclimated to each level of progress.
