So today Madilyn asked me about the first time Jan and I kissed. It was funny. It was an accident really. Nothing mushy. We were seniors in high school and she was at my home one evening. I was walking her back to her car as she was about to leave. After a hug goodnight we just pecked each other on the lips. It seemed very natural and suffice it to say shocking that we both were ok with it. I told Madilyn that for me the most dreaded time was the first time I held her hand. Oh my. That had me sweating bullets. We went to see one of the Star Trek movies or something. I don't recall really. Anyway we were sitting beside each other and I was working up the nerve to hold her hand. Finally near the end of the movie with gobs of anxiety built up I just reached over and put my hand on top of hers. She just held my hand and gave it a little squeeze. I was in heaven. Apparently I shared these stories with a silly grin on my face and my kids laughed at me but those memories took me back. With those memories fresh in my mind I find it difficult and painful to realize she is gone. It just hurts.
I feel ready to move on and at the same time I feel like my life has ended. I have been told that each day is a day closer to healing and normalcy. For me I just kick myself that I took so many things for granted. Seriously, if Jan were here for only one hour I believe I would take her in my arms and thank her for all she has done for me and our family. I would express my deepest feelings and concerns. The ones I didn't want to worry her with. I would just hold her and express my love for her. With all these emotions and feelings I wonder when I will feel like my life is beginning again. Perhaps I should liken my life to a forest fire. From what I understand a forest fire uses extreme heat to release the seeds in pine cones so life can begin again. Well anyway... fires suck.
