So today my health took a turn for the worse. I crawled out of bed at 8:30 only to realize there was no way I would be able to make it to church. All of my kids are on the mend but I think I am still in the thick of it. I have so much going on tomorrow that I will muscle through it but I can imagine it will be rough.
So the mourning process is weird. Jan is close but she is far. She is right by me but she is absent. I know these words sound contradictory but it really is the best way to describe it. I look in the mirror and see myself holding Claire. She is snuggled up to my shoulder and completely asleep. I get the kids doing their nighttime routines and get them in bed. As I look in the mirror it seems odd that I am alone yet I don't feel alone and yet I do. I have never felt so conflicted in all my life. I have a different outlook on life. It is unfortunate that it came now and not when Jan was here. I cherish the memories I have with Jan. I love her dearly.
Emma's birthday is approaching. It is funny how birthdays used to be material. They were so focused on gift giving and not celebrating the life of the person. Don't get me wrong. I'm not so cheap as to not purchase a gift for my daughter. It is the feeling behind it that has changed. What is life after all? My beliefs are that we have a moment to show what we really believe. Talk is cheap after all so if you want to know what someone believes... look at what they do and the intentions behind their actions. For me I'm just trying to do my best. My best at times may not be good enough in the upward struggles that life presents but it is what I can offer. I believe we should always strive to be our best even when it is easy to throw in the towel and say "I give up". So Jan's death has presented itself to me and I have an opportunity to consider how I really feel. I am so very sad that Jan has left us and I never thought I would be a single parent. I never thought it and yet here it is. Claire is old enough to know my voice and my scent so when I pick her up she will calm down. When others hold her... not so much. I take comfort in that Claire has associated me with her well being. I wish Jan was here to hold her and it pains me that she isn't. I catch Claire staring off in the distance at absolutely nothing and smiling from time to time. I wonder if she can see things I cannot. I walk by our family photos and point to everyone. I pray that my kids retain good memories of Jan. I pray I do too.
