18 March 2015 (88 days after The Day)

Today was the first day that I had to do some tasks that in previous times were shared by Jan and me.  Doing these tasks alone was very eye-opening.  I was told by my counselor that there would be tons of things that make me remember Jan.  I think for most people just are shocked by these events because they just hit close to home.  Either they can see how quickly their normal world can be turned upside down or they know us personally or perhaps both.  For me turning the page is very difficult.  Just acknowledging the facts are difficult.  I have images in my mind I wish I could vomit out.  I'm sure anyone who has lived through rough times can relate.  I think the thing I miss most about Jan is I knew she had my back.  She was always there.  I could depend on her and she on me.  The house is quiet at night and often that is when it is tough.  Jan's Netflix queue has been untouched and there are many shows that I just cannot watch because they remind me so much of Jan.  I found a tape recording of Jan that she sent as a letter on tape.  She sent it to me almost 18 years ago and it was like her voice from the grave.  As I listened I just wept.  It was good hearing her voice again but the pain was right there when the tape ended.  I don't think Jan has ever seen me in this funk I am in.  I'm normally a jolly old guy that enjoyed making her laugh but it seems those days are gone.  At least for a while.