Well, what a day. First trip to church. We didn't stay the entire time but we did get there early. I should pat myself on the back for that. Tomorrow starts a chaotic day. We are out the door by 6 to drop off everyone so Emma and I can make it to counseling by 7. I really think I will be ok once I figure out how to clone myself. All the things I am juggling to my knowledge cannot be outsourced. So I am left to try to figure out how to be there for my kids and be there for myself.
To top it off today I found myself feeling anger. I just keep nibbling on the huge rock of reality and it is so very bitter. The realization that Jan is gone is apparently not something I can easily digest so today was another round of feeling frustrated ... at myself.
We hear and teach that if you are a good person and do what is right you will be blessed. I think this is true only that if you do what is right and are a good person you will avoid self-inflected pain. Pain that is easily avoided that can range from the consequences of being a drug addict to the consequences of being a bad parent. These can be avoided to some degree. There is pain; however, that is not self-inflicted. Pain that can come abruptly and change your life forever. It could be a freak accident like being hit by a drunk driver or an accident at work. These types of pain I believe are outside our ability to do anything about them other than learn and grow. Today I have pondered on how our Heavenly Father wants us to avoid the first type of pain - the self-inflicted sin-driven pain. The second is something we are to learn from and grow with. These stumbling blocks or stepping stones (depending on how you view them) can aide our growth. I think on how I detest this lesson. I found myself saying "OK, I get it. I am ready for Jan to return now" only to face the brutal silence that can cut pride like a hot knife going through butter. I don't know what is more brutal... the fact that she is gone or the fact that I keep realizing it.
I recall how patients with Alzheimer's disease may forget that a loved one has died. They may ask their son or daughter "Have you seen Charlie? Is he going to stop by today?" only to have them remind her that her husband died 20 years ago. They then get to witness her relive that pain over and over again. This situation is similar. In a kind way God has softened the blow for me but I get to nibble on the reality daily. I feel I have been sincere in my communications with God. I am willing to take whatever is sent my direction. I just didn't realize how painful emotional turmoil can be. It really is like someone reached in and pulled out your heart and did so without any anesthesia.... only with the horror of not dying because of this. You get to feel and keep feeling that pain. I suppose that is why in the scriptures it is Christlike to "Mourn with those that mourn" and to "comfort those that stand in need of comfort"
A few months ago my wife asked my son the question of "how do you eat an elephant?" he said "I guess you will have a lot of left overs". I believe this is one in the same. I just have a lot of left overs that I must consume. It is daunting but doable when in smaller more manageable chunks.
