31 March 2015 (101 days after The Day)

Today was a very difficult day for me.  I found out early this morning that a childhood friend that I viewed as a brother died.   With this news I just found myself numb.  He and I had drifted apart over the last few years but he honestly was the only other person other than Jan that I felt really understood me.  He will be missed.  That news really affected my productivity today.  I just am back in a fog.

We were treated to dinner and boy was it needed.  I was doing well to just serve it up for everyone.  I am grateful for the sacrifices of so many.  It is humbling.

I'm not much for typing tonight as my thoughts are on my brother and his family.  Until tomorrow.

30 March 2015 (100 days after The Day)

Today was a very tough day.  Lots of memories and lots of processing of emotions.  To top it off as a family event we went to visit Jan.  I had not been in a few weeks and I just fell apart there.  So on a lighter note, I think I may have identified something I can do just for me. 

I'm running on fumes and have no desire to sleep.  I think a lot of this has to do with my father.  I spoke with my sister tonight and the discussion had me take a trip down memory lane.  I recalled how I just really did not agree with his life choices.  It is the type of stuff that you just shake you head in disbelief and give a sigh.  This is the type of stuff that will zap your energy because there is nothing you can do about it.  I can do nothing but I still continue to think on his life even though he died in July.  All I have to say is ... What a mess.

I need to make the bottles for Claire and then I think I will force myself to go to bed.

29 March 2015 (99 days after The Day)

So today marks 100 days since The Day.  I don't know if that means anything other than a number.  It does represent Claire's 100th day of life.  My kids and I went to church and Claire was really good.  She just ate her bottles and smiled at me.  I swear I am being blessed with how she acts.  I can be falling apart and I look at her and she just grins at me.  Those little smiles do wonders for me. 

I have been neglecting my home.  I have been neglecting many things in my attempts to get things in order.  I spent a few minutes feverishly cleaning up for one of Jan's roommates in college to drop by from out of town.  Lori Dockrey is really a blessing from the Lord on our little family.  We call her Aunt Lori as she has known Jan and I since our freshmen year in college which seems to be only yesterday but in reality was about 19 years ago.  We had a good visit and my kids really enjoyed her time here.

Emma and Madilyn are watching Gone with the Wind for a discussion tomorrow and I am sitting outside my son's room as he goes to sleep.  It seems every day is like the next and there is no difference between them.  I think about doing something for myself and so far that amounts to taking Claire to the store grocery shopping.  I'm sure that will change as she gets older.

We have a big day tomorrow and I hope Claire is able to get some sleep.  I will be purchasing another car seat so I can leave it with the person who will be watching Claire.  We had one that we gave to goodwill years ago replacing it with the behemoth one we had to special order for Ammon because of his size.  That seat is mounted in our van and because of its sheer size and the effort needed to secure it we will get a second seat for the person caring for Claire.  That is on the 'to-do' list for tomorrow.

I'm emotionally spent and ready for some rest.

28 March 2015 (98 days after The Day)

What a day.  That seems to be a common opening of a post.  It all started with getting Ammon going this morning and ready and off to Tae Kwon Do.  Once Tae Kwon Do was completed we immediately left for a birthday party.  Once that was done we did some shopping for a family we know and then back home to rest for a quick moment and then off to a soccer game.  Once the soccer game was done we had a quick dinner and then Madilyn and Emma have gone to a conference at church.  They should be back soon.  Ammon and I watched a movie and Claire is just plain exhausted from the day.  She ate a few bottles, took her medicine, and is down for the night.  The pictures I took today with her were of a single definition.  Tolerance.

I spoke to my mom on the phone tonight and realized that while I am busy with life I am not "ok" inside.  Friends, family, and complete strangers have poured out so much love upon my little family and I am humbled by it.  I wish it would "fix" things but when silence comes I just feel pain all over again.  I am left alone with my kids trying to be strong.  I don't know if I am.  I believe that it is difficult to lift anyone up when you are not above them so my personal struggles with Jan's departure have led me to struggle in being a good dad.  I'm hurting just as my kids are and we all put on a "happy face" in public.  So here I am typing another post into the void.  I'm sure these posts will mean something to me later in life.  Right now I just wonder when and how true healing will occur.

27 March 2015 (97 days after The Day)

Today I had a good conversation with a friend about Jan.  This event with Jan has really stretched me for all I am worth.  It seems that the Good Lord allows this to occur to the point just before breaking.  Indeed this has expended my ability to feel.  Feeling has more depth and more height.  I find myself staring out to nothing.  Finding time to stop and feel has and still is avoided.  When I think on the events of the day I find myself feeling empty wishing I had Jan to share them with.  Instead I am caught in the soccer-mom duties of running in every direction and collapsing at the end of the day.  I guess this is the new "normal".  I don't know.  If it is I need to find something to recharge the batteries because unless I do I don't think there is enough in the tank to sustain this long-term.  With that thought - I'm going to bed.

26 March 2015 (96 days after The Day)

Today was a milestone - Claire rolled over multiple times on her own.  The first time she did this I thought it was an accident.  Today that thought was put to rest as I watched her roll over multiple times without any support.  I captured a video and sent it to Grandma.  I'm sure she is anxious to return once she recovers fully.

Today something odd occurred.  A family friend took Emma, Madilyn and Ammon out to a movie this evening.  I was home alone with Claire.  That was so weird to be alone with Claire without the chaos of the other kiddos in the home.  Claire spent a long time telling me a story and I enjoyed all of it.  :-)

As far as me - not much change.  I am still missing Jan and I guess that will continue until I see her again.

25 March 2015 (95 days after The Day)

So today was a very busy day with juggling kids schedules, juggling my schedule, counseling for the kids to activities as night for my kids.  I finished eating dinner about 9:00 and the kids are doing their nighttime routine and getting in bed.  I had an interesting experience during lunch.  I came home and made myself some leftovers.  During this time everything just hit me all over again and I wept as I stood by the sink.  I wonder when the "new normal" will start to kick in.  Perhaps it already is.  I am just hit with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.  Someone today looked at me and said "You look good, Rob".  I suppose that is true on the outside.  On the inside I feel reminiscent of one standing outside where their home once stood after a tornado passed  by wondering where to begin.  Everything had order before.  Everything had a place.  Everything now is strewn all over with no idea where everything has landed.

I feel blessed though.  I feel blessed that Claire's health is so much improved.  Emma and Madilyn help so much with Claire and I have people volunteering to assist with her care.  She slept 9 hours last night!  She woke up a couple of times but she fell back to sleep.  Every morning when I peek into her crib I say the same thing "Good Morning!"  She looks at me for a moment and then it registers who I am and I get a huge grin.  She then starts kicking and flailing her arms and legs for me to pick her up.  People are still donating on this blog and that has helped tremendously.  Health insurance has discounted the absolutely enormous bills to something manageable and the funds have helped pay these down.  I am humbled by what people have given and every "thank you" I have attempted to write comes out lame.  It just touches my heart the sacrifices people make.  This is both in financial as well as time.  Some have written letters to me directly and these have absolutely touched my soul.  I think this is because when someone goes through an event like this you just feel alone and this outpouring of love is just healing.  So, I suppose I should just focus on the positive.  Focus one day at a time.

My phone is blowing up with stuff at work so I am off to work on that.  Until tomorrow -  

24 March 2015 (94 days after The Day)

Today was our first experience with group counceling.  I think it went over well with the kids and Claire was ok for a large majority of time.  It was good to know I was not alone in many of my feelings.

We arrived back at our home exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I'm off to bed.

23 March 2015 (93 days after The Day)

So today Madilyn asked me about the first time Jan and I kissed.  It was funny.  It was an accident really.  Nothing mushy.  We were seniors in high school and she was at my home one evening.  I was walking her back to her car as she was about to leave.  After a hug goodnight we just pecked each other on the lips.  It seemed very natural and suffice it to say shocking that we both were ok with it.  I told Madilyn that for me the most dreaded time was the first time I held her hand.  Oh my.  That had me sweating bullets.  We went to see one of the Star Trek movies or something.  I don't recall really.  Anyway we were sitting beside each other and I was working up the nerve to hold her hand.  Finally near the end of the movie with gobs of anxiety built up I just reached over and put my hand on top of hers.  She just held my hand and gave it a little squeeze.  I was in heaven.  Apparently I shared these stories with a silly grin on my face and my kids laughed at me but those memories took me back.  With those memories fresh in my mind  I find it difficult and painful to realize she is gone.  It just hurts.

I feel ready to move on and at the same time I feel like my life has ended.  I have been told that each day is a day closer to healing and normalcy.  For me I just kick myself that I took so many things for granted.  Seriously, if Jan were here for only one hour I believe I would take her in my arms and thank her for all she has done for me and our family.  I would express my deepest feelings and concerns.  The ones I didn't want to worry her with.  I would just hold her and express my love for her.  With all these emotions and feelings I wonder when I will feel like my life is beginning again.  Perhaps I should liken my life to a forest fire.  From what I understand a forest fire uses extreme heat to release the seeds in pine cones so life can begin again.  Well anyway... fires suck. 

22 March 2015 (92 days after The Day)

So, today we got our stuff together and went to church.  Claire downed two bottles while we were there and really didn't cry out that much.  I was surprised.  We had some friends over for dinner tonight.  It was really healing to not be alone.  Jan and I didn't have people over often but having friends over tonight helped get a "normal" feeling back in my home.  It is funny how sometimes I use plural and other times I use the singular when referring to things.  "My home" vs. "We had some friends...". 

I just have been thinking on my relationship with Jan.  I suppose a person will appreciate someone the more they are away from them.  I enjoy seeing reuniting families on YouTube (most are military) but it is so good to see kids and their parent and how they both feel during that time.  I can imagine the time I get to see Jan again.  That time seems so very far away and yet I don't know what the Good Lord has in store for me.  I do feel like Jan is around.  I feel she is close and yet far.

An example of that is today I decided to play a "Finding Bigfoot" show.  I don't know if you have ever seen this show but it is when a group of "Bigfoot Hunters" or researchers go to a town and have a town meeting where they solicit feedback from the locals about any Bigfoot sightings.  They then take this information and go meet one-on-one with these people and learn about how the event transpired.  Once they learn about it they get on this gear that has a night-vision camera facing them  and they go into the woods where the sightings occurred but at night doing yells and wood knocks.  Needless to say I have always found this interesting that those that see Bigfoot don't seem to be yelling or doing wood knocks but nonetheless these characters do.  Jan and I would watch shows like this because we would get to laughing at how these people acted.  Anyways.... watching that show today brought a feeling of laughter back into the home.  It was good and yet Jan wasn't physically here but it sure felt like she was. 

Tomorrow is another busy day.  Every day seems like a busy day.  Claire is 93 days old.  It is crazy how time flies.  I'm glad her health is on the mend.  We go for another EEG in about a month and then we will know how her brain is healing.  I'm praying that she will make a full recovery.

21 March 2015 (91 days after The Day)

So today I did something that I have been dreading.  I began to go through Jan's clothing with my kids to sort all clothes into boxes for each of them so we can get a quilt made for each of them.  Wow.  That was really difficult.  I didn't realize how hard that would be but everyone was wiping tears.  That exercise took a gob of energy from me.  We went through 4 bags of clothes which represents probably half.  We will go through the remaining clothes tomorrow.

Everything still feels like a dream.  It just sucks.

20 March 2015 (90 days after The Day)

So we just got back from Claire's first road trip.  We went to Houston for a few days.  I had to attend a meeting and Claire and the kids got a chance to visit with Grandma and Aunt Marie and Aunt Kristyn.  They all had a blast and want to return ASAP.  Claire is a good traveler.  We stopped at a half-way point and I fed her milk.  The same on the way back.  She traveled very very well.  Emma and Madilyn would scream their heads off but not Claire.  She was talking and sharing some story with Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon.  It was cute.

I arrived back here very tired.  I received a seat spring in the mail for our glider and spent about 30 minutes changing that out.  I'm happy to have the glider back in working order.  I will sleep well tonight I am sure.  I am wondering how long I will miss Jan.  I guess it will be forever.  I am missing her tonight.  Normally after trips like this we would spend time talking.  Even on the trip I would drive and she would sleep and sometimes talk.  I miss that.

I forgot my bottle warmer in Houston so I will be warming milk the old fashion way... using hot water on the stove.  Claire drank a ton of milk so I am hoping she sleeps well tonight.  Tomorrow I clean the house and attempt to get things somewhat back in order.

19 March 2015 (89 days after The Day)

Today I have reflected on obedience to the laws of God vs. Self.  To obey God is to disobey self.  This is a snippet from that great novel Moby-Dick by Herman Melville when in the beginning of the novel the preacher is giving a sermon on Jonah.  I have thought about how our natural self is in opposition to God.  How during this time in my life I wish for Jan to be back but that is not the hand that I have been dealt.  I suppose it is a good lesson for me to learn.  How to be a single father.  How to raise 3 daughters and a son.  How to ask for help.  Lessons in humility for me seem to go much easier when I just accept them.  This one is difficult because I am unwilling to accept the fact that Jan is gone.  I am unwilling now but I am sure I will eventually get there.  I suppose like Jonah being humbled helps us all to accept things.   

18 March 2015 (88 days after The Day)

Today was the first day that I had to do some tasks that in previous times were shared by Jan and me.  Doing these tasks alone was very eye-opening.  I was told by my counselor that there would be tons of things that make me remember Jan.  I think for most people just are shocked by these events because they just hit close to home.  Either they can see how quickly their normal world can be turned upside down or they know us personally or perhaps both.  For me turning the page is very difficult.  Just acknowledging the facts are difficult.  I have images in my mind I wish I could vomit out.  I'm sure anyone who has lived through rough times can relate.  I think the thing I miss most about Jan is I knew she had my back.  She was always there.  I could depend on her and she on me.  The house is quiet at night and often that is when it is tough.  Jan's Netflix queue has been untouched and there are many shows that I just cannot watch because they remind me so much of Jan.  I found a tape recording of Jan that she sent as a letter on tape.  She sent it to me almost 18 years ago and it was like her voice from the grave.  As I listened I just wept.  It was good hearing her voice again but the pain was right there when the tape ended.  I don't think Jan has ever seen me in this funk I am in.  I'm normally a jolly old guy that enjoyed making her laugh but it seems those days are gone.  At least for a while.

17 March 2015 (87 days after The Day)

Today I found myself having a sincere discussion with God.  I came home for lunch and spent the lunch hour doing laundry.  It sounds silly but that gave me a lot of comfort to get something done.  Today someone made dinner for us.  All of my kids ate it and asked for more.  Needless to say the bar has been raised for my own cooking.  I think I will need that recipe!

Madilyn had her first soccer game of the season and I took Claire.  She fell asleep in the Baby Bjorn but it was fun to be back at the games.  I didn't know if she was asleep since I cannot see her face when I am holding her in this thing but the camera caught me smiling when I realized she was out.

It was really odd to not have Jan at the games.  She was the official yelling mom.  I think it was from her drum major days... she can really belt it out.  "Let's Go!  Good Job!!  AHHHHHH!!!  SHOOT!!!"  I smile just thinking of her.  I attempted to do my yelling part but couldn't do much without freaking out Claire.  Overall it was a good experience.  It was tough but good to get back.

16 March 2015 (86 days after The Day)

I awoke this morning at 4:25 to Claire starting to stir in her bed.  I was amazed I did not oversleep.  The night before I did a light cleaning of the kitchen and living room to get it somewhat back in shape.  The weekends have my home looking like a bomb exploded.  So, I had the dishes done, bottles made, counters cleaned, floor swept, living room picked up, and me off to bed by 11:00.  I feel very blessed that Claire slept through until 4:25 this morning.  I needed that sleep.  I got everyone up and going and managed to get the trash out for pickup and the litter for the cats changed.  I realized this morning that I failed to feed anyone but Claire.  I suppose I should look at the positives.  I didn't leave anyone at the house.

Jan's passing has forced me to be a much better planner.  I can no longer just float by and let life occur.  I am constantly looking ahead.  This reminds me of a conversation I had with Emma this morning.  She mentioned that the moon looked like the smile of the Cheshire cat on Alice in Wonderland.  I shared how one of the opening scenes in the book so relates to life/business.  In one scene Alice speaks to the Cheshire cat at the fork in the road and says "Which path should I take?" to which the Cheshire cat replies "Where are you going?".  Alice says "I don't know" to which the Cheshire cat replies "Well, then it doesn't really matter which path you take".  So often in life we go aimlessly down a path and then get frustrated when we realize we are not where we wanted to go.  It is so much easier to plan now where to end up then to be somewhere else and realize there is little time left to travel where you want to go.  For me, I want to be the best dad.

Today was a seriously busy day.  Got everyone in bed and settled by 9:15 pm.  Go me.  So I realized today that for healing to begin I really have to accept that there will be a new normal.  This was very difficult for me to even acknowledge.  That is where I am at. 

15 March 2015 (85 days after The Day)

Well, what a day.  First trip to church.  We didn't stay the entire time but we did get there early.  I should pat myself on the back for that.  Tomorrow starts a chaotic day.  We are out the door by 6 to drop off everyone so Emma and I can make it to counseling by 7.  I really think I will be ok once I figure out how to clone myself.  All the things I am juggling to my knowledge cannot be outsourced.  So I am left to try to figure out how to be there for my kids and be there for myself.

To top it off today I found myself feeling anger.  I just keep nibbling on the huge rock of reality and it is so very bitter.  The realization that Jan is gone is apparently not something I can easily digest so today was another round of feeling frustrated ... at myself.

We hear and teach that if you are a good person and do what is right you will be blessed.  I think this is true only that if you do what is right and are a good person you will avoid self-inflected pain.  Pain that is easily avoided that can range from the consequences of being a drug addict to the consequences of being a bad parent.  These can be avoided to some degree.  There is pain; however, that is not self-inflicted.  Pain that can come abruptly and change your life forever.  It could be a freak accident like being hit by a drunk driver or an accident at work.  These types of pain I believe are outside our ability to do anything about them other than learn and grow.  Today I have pondered on how our Heavenly Father wants us to avoid the first type of pain - the self-inflicted sin-driven pain.  The second is something we are to learn from and grow with.  These stumbling blocks or stepping stones (depending on how you view them) can aide our growth.  I think on how I detest this lesson.  I found myself saying "OK, I get it.  I am ready for Jan to return now" only to face the brutal silence that can cut pride like a hot knife going through butter.  I don't know what is more brutal... the fact that she is gone or the fact that I keep realizing it.

I recall how patients with Alzheimer's disease may forget that a loved one has died.  They may ask their son or daughter "Have you seen Charlie?  Is he going to stop by today?" only to have them remind her that her husband died 20 years ago.  They then get to witness her relive that pain over and over again.  This situation is similar.  In a kind way God has softened the blow for me but I get to nibble on the reality daily.  I feel I have been sincere in my communications with God.  I am willing to take whatever is sent my direction.  I just didn't realize how painful emotional turmoil can be.  It really is like someone reached in and pulled out your heart and did so without any anesthesia.... only with the horror of not dying because of this.  You get to feel and keep feeling that pain.  I suppose that is why in the scriptures it is Christlike to "Mourn with those that mourn" and to "comfort those that stand in need of comfort"

A few months ago my wife asked my son the question of "how do you eat an elephant?" he said "I guess you will have a lot of left overs".  I believe this is one in the same.  I just have a lot of left overs that I must consume.  It is daunting but doable when in smaller more manageable chunks.  

 

14 March 2015 (84 days after The Day)

Complete exhaustion.  That is about the summary on how I feel.  I took Emma to the mall today.  That was luckily a quick trip.  We came back and I took Ammon to the park for a daddy/son date.  We used a stroller my sister gave me for tall people.  It was wonderful.  Claire enjoyed it too.

We have really stayed inside the rest of the day and Claire decided she wanted to be held the rest of the day.  (Who doesn't)  So, I just got her down for the night at 8:45 pm and I am going to go to sleep myself.

I found some tapes that Jan recorded a while back.  It was good/sad to hear her voice.  I miss her terribly.  More tomorrow.

13 March 2015 (83 days after The Day)

Well, the group counseling type thing I think will work out good.  My kids enjoyed the environment and it will be good for them to interact with other kids who have lived through similar losses.  We will establish a somewhat regular schedule to go there and we will see how it works long-term.

Claire is just sleeping sleeping.  I brought her home today and she really just wanted to sleep.  I woke her up to give her the medicine she has to take and she ate a little from a bottle and then went right back to sleep.  I could say "she is having a growth spurt" but then again - what child isn't growing like bamboo during this time in their life?

My family and I watched a movie tonight and it was good to have everyone together.  Ammon was so tired that after his dinner he just crashed on the couch.  He woke up at the very end of the movie and was sad that he missed it.  I'm sure it won't be the last time we watch the movie.

I feel tired after feeling today.  Processing my feelings really is my kryptonite.  Perhaps it is everyone's.  To feel is to be pulled back home to deal with whatever you have put on a shelf.

I read Ammon a book tonight.  It was good to be able to do that.  Often I am holding Claire and unable to really read him a book.  Tonight I did and it was fun.

I'm off to bed.  Tomorrow is a day full of activities for the kids.   

12 March 2015 (82 days after The Day)

So today I've been thinking on the concept taught in the scriptures where our faith is compared to a seed.  Trials like the one my family is going through make us look forward to the harvest and sometimes it is directly after planting.  So much so that we get frustrated when we have no fruit from the seed we just planted.  Today I realize that the fruit and the journey of the fruit are one in the same.  I never realized that the journey is just as important as the fruit when it is time to harvest.  How small decisions to nourish the seed can be the big lessons learned when it is time to harvest.

My family starts group counseling tomorrow.  I'm interested to see how this all goes.  Today was a very tough day for me.  I don't know why.  There was no single event that caused the avalanche but I knew this afternoon that I was a house of cards.  It is good to get some warning or at least be able to recognize the warning.

I feel closer to my kids than I ever have.  I just reflect on how a single parent does this.  For me it is moment by moment and day by day.

On the way home after picking up Claire I saw a home that reminded me of the one Jan and I purchased when we lived in Lubbock, Tx while we were in school.  This was our very first home.  This house was previously foreclosed on that we had to gut to make livable.  The sight made my mom cry.  To us though it was a dream.  A castle.  A place to call our own.  We worked every day on various projects.  When we sold it a couple of years later you would never have known how it originally looked.  What made the difference?  Lots of little projects and consistent effort.

I think on that house and how it transformed from something that made my mom cry to something that looked amazing.  I think on the toil and hard work that transformed it.  I realize that the same effort will be needed in my own life to rebuild after this event.  The house and I have that in  common.  We just need some TLC.       

11 March 2015 (81 days after The Day)

We celebrated Emma's 13th Birthday this evening.  We all missed Jan but the birthday went well.  More tomorrow.

10 March 2015 (80 days after The Day)

I chuckled at where some of the referrals come from for those that read this blog.  Some are using it to drive their viewpoint home so I think it is only fitting to say this one comment:  Please keep in mind that someone has an agenda if they send you a link (to this blog or another).  Please do not assume I agree with their viewpoints.  If you want to know my opinion - ask me.

So, today was a ray of hope.  Really.  That four letter word "hope" that is the essence of the other four letter word "love".  I think this came because I am beginning to understand how to live.  I may not understand everything but I understand that hope is an important ingredient in life. 

09 March 2015 (79 days after The Day)

So I did something today that I have not done ever.  In detail I related and relived the events of how everything transpired to someone.  This was both good and difficult.  It was good to talk about it to someone.  It was difficult because all those feelings from 80 days ago came right back like it was yesterday.  The struggle of the birth, the struggle for life for Claire, the struggle for life for Jan, realizing Jan was leaving me, realizing I had to talk with my kids, and realizing I was alone.  What a road to travel.  It was good to discuss.  It was good because I no longer feel like I alone know all the intricate details of the stuff I didn't write on this blog.  I think it is natural for anyone associated with a loss to feel like they were somehow responsible or they could have prevented it.  There is nothing I can do about the past so I am not entertaining that thought.  I am just striving to do my best moving forward.  Looking back I don't know if I could have or would have changed anything.  I do think I would have been more sincere in sharing my thoughts with my wife.  This event has made me a better person.... but what a cost.  This reminds me of the freedoms we have in our nation and the phrase "Freedom isn't free"  There is a cost to all growth.

08 March 2015 (78 days after The Day)

So today my health took a turn for the worse.  I crawled out of bed at 8:30 only to realize there was no way I would be able to make it to church.  All of my kids are on the mend but I think I am still in the thick of it.  I have so much going on tomorrow that I will muscle through it but I can imagine it will be rough.

So the mourning process is weird.  Jan is close but she is far.  She is right by me but she is absent.  I know these words sound contradictory but it really is the best way to describe it.  I look in the mirror and see myself holding Claire.  She is snuggled up to my shoulder and completely asleep.  I get the kids doing their nighttime routines and get them in bed.  As I look in the mirror it seems odd that I am alone yet I don't feel alone and yet I do.  I have never felt so conflicted in all my life.  I have a different outlook on life.  It is unfortunate that it came now and not when Jan was here.  I cherish the memories I have with Jan.  I love her dearly.

Emma's birthday is approaching.  It is funny how birthdays used to be material.  They were so focused on gift giving and not celebrating the life of the person.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not so cheap as to not purchase a gift for my daughter.  It is the feeling behind it that has changed.  What is life after all?  My beliefs are that we have a moment to show what we really believe.  Talk is cheap after all so if you want to know what someone believes... look at what they do and the intentions behind their actions.  For me I'm just trying to do my best.  My best at times may not be good enough in the upward struggles that life presents but it is what I can offer.  I believe we should always strive to be our best even when it is easy to throw in the towel and say "I give up".  So Jan's death has presented itself to me and I have an opportunity to consider how I really feel.  I am so very sad that Jan has left us and I never thought I would be a single parent.  I never thought it and yet here it is.  Claire is old enough to know my voice and my scent so when I pick her up she will calm down.  When others hold her... not so much.  I take comfort in that Claire has associated me with her well being.  I wish Jan was here to hold her and it pains me that she isn't.  I catch Claire staring off in the distance at absolutely nothing and smiling from time to time.  I wonder if she can see things I cannot.  I walk by our family photos and point to everyone.  I pray that my kids retain good memories of Jan.  I pray I do too.

07 March 2015 (77 days after The Day)

The colds persist.  We are trudging through.  I am hopeful that we all can go to church tomorrow.  This will be the first family event.  Claire is a trooper.  She is being seriously blessed or rather... I am being seriously blessed.  Or maybe both.  She can sleep through the night and if she does wake up it is normally around 10/11, 2/3, 6/7.  I'm able to get some sleep which has helped the little sanity I have stay with me.  Tonight I fed her and gave her her medicine and she did not wake.  I put her back in her crib and she didn't stir.  I don't know if this is normal for Claire as each of my kids have been unique.  I'm hoping that it is normal.

I forgot... I took a family photo a few days back and neglected to post it here.  I think it is only fitting that it is here since this is somewhat of a journal of my travels.

  Ammon is... well himself.

I think I am doing better these days.  I say that but it is a constant struggle.  I think it is still not real in my mind.  Tonight I said goodnight to my kids and I swear that I felt like Jan was right there.  It is those feelings that help me.  Those feelings help me to breathe.  Help me to take one step after another.  Madilyn asked me today where I would like to live if I could live anywhere... I responded... "I'd like to live in Heaven with Mom".  To some this may sound cold to say to your kids but the thing is that ALL of us feel that way.  Wouldn't that be cool if we could visit?  Maybe it wouldn't be.  We would have to return and I don't think we would be all too thrilled to do so. 

Well, I'm going to attempt to go to sleep and hope my coughing does not wake Claire.  The meds I have taken seem to not touch this stuff.  Oh well.  I am grateful that I have colds that help me appreciate when I am well.  The feeling you have when you have crossed onto the healing path and the cold is on the decline.  That is one of the best feelings in the world.  Well I've set my clocks forward and I'm going to bed.

06 March 2015 (76 days after The Day)

So everyone is caughing.  Everyone is sick except for Claire.  She just smiles and makes sweet baby sounds.  Here is a new pic I took a couple of days ago.  All my kids have some way of moving around their bed.  Emma rotated in the bed as she slept, Madilyn kicked and flailed, Ammon slept sideways or on top of you, and Claire seems to do the inchworm until she is at the end of her bed.  Her head started off below where her butt is.  She is one happy kid and I am extremely grateful. 

My mom is out of surgery and has a 6 week recovery in Houston.  This time being alone has been humbling.  I am seriously impressed with single moms and dads who raise kids on their own.  Wow.  I think it is unfortunate that moms who do this often do it without any praise.  What a shame.  Raising kids alone is a test of sanity and every day you get a double helping of humble pie.  It is good though.  My relationships with my kids have only improved.  It has been a rough road though and I can imagine it will be that way for a while.

9:16pm
Well, I have identified why Claire is super cranky in the evening.  Gas.  I found this out after she vomited all over me and then let out an adult burp.  I think all my kids have done this but it was sort of funny.  I had to laugh because doing anything else took too much energy.  I cleaned myself and her up and she took a bit of milk and then went to sleep.  Last night she slept though the night.  Tonight I don't expect that since she did not ingest the same volume of milk that left her body before falling asleep.  Anyway, she is a cute kid and getting some much deserved sleep.  I too will retire shortly and get some rest. 

I went to Target to get Claire's prescription refilled and got tons of stares.  I don't know why.  I had Claire in the Baby Bjorn and she was completely content.  We did some shopping and then the checker in the 15 items or less isle signaled for me to unload my cart.  I had more than 15 items but I got the feeling I was on borrowed time with Claire.  I got loaded up and back home.  I know this sounds so weird but there is a real feeling of Jan still in this home.  I don't mourn as much because of it.  It is a weird feeling but I will take it.  That is something to add to my thankful list.

05 March 2015 (75 days after The Day)

Everyone is sick.  This makes a tough situation worse.  Hopefully my kids get to feeling better.

Emma and I had a good discussion about Jan.  It is difficult to start this new chapter.

I'm going to sleep.

04 March 2015 (74 days after The Day)

So this is day 2 of my kids being sick.  It looks like I will be getting help tomorrow and the outlook is positive for this next week.  I just realize that I have to either 1.) be OK with a messy house or 2.) have someone help me.  With my kids sick I am just buried with all the needs that they have while holding Claire.  During the evening times it is difficult to clean up and be quiet.  I just do not want to wake up Claire.  My back needs a rest from walking with her.  At anyrate, I am hopeful to get something arranged to help my mom when she comes back.  She is doing well.  She is recovering quite well made a few laps with a walker in the hospital.  The doctor wants her to double the laps tomorrow.

I'm tired of my home being completely overrun by stuff.  I was channel surfing on Netflix once and came across the show "Hoarders".  I was about to scream with some of the stuff I saw and I look around and my home is turning into that!  So, I'm not saying I like scarcity but I am saying the jazz saying of "less is more" applies to my home too.

I met with my counselor today to discuss Ammon and Madilyn.  One of the things that was shared was that Ammon will begin to forget Jan.  I don't know why... but I just wept when she told me that.  I know at 6 he will probably not have a ton of memories but I am doing all I can think of to keep them fresh in his mind.  I hope as an adult he remembers his mom.  Jan's love for Ammon was so strong.  It just pains me that his memories may fade.  So... on with getting the new normal established.  Once I get childcare established for Claire I think I will feel a bit better.  Right now I just have a lot of weight on my shoulders. 

03 March 2015 (73 days after The Day)

Every day is a day now that I am determined to feel.  It makes for awkward moments as my emotions seem as stable as a house of cards.  I'm so very impressed by how single moms live their lives.  I was raised by a single mom and she was able to raise me and my two sisters without us ending up on Jerry Springer or something.  Feeling while I am helping them is tough.  Is it bad to cry in front of your kids?  Is it bad to show them that dad has feelings?  I have chosen to not hide my feelings.  Don't get me wrong... I'm not boo hooing all over the place.  I get choked up during prayers and randomly during the day.  These times I used to do whatever I could to push those feelings down.  Now I just take a moment and feel that feeling.  It is like taking the time to feel a burn on your hand after the stove shared its heat.  Feeling I have found takes patience.  Patience with yourself and patience with others.

Dr. Viktor E. Frankl once wrote "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."  This quote coming from a man who experienced life as a survivor of the Holocaust.  I have experienced this moment he describes between a stimulus and the response.  A moment I get to choose how I react.  This is the hard part.  To choose my reaction that is not a knee-jerk reaction.


Dr. Frankl also shared  "What is to give light must endure burning."  I realize more and more that the power of God is in the fact that love is that healing.  To love with true compassion and caring has more power than the mightiest force on earth.  Perhaps this is because our mortal bodies are temporary... but our spirits are eternal.  I believe that is why Christ spoke and said in Matthew "And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell."

So, tonight I focus on the quote in Proverbs that states "as he thinketh in his heart, so is he"  We are all not the victim of someone's reality.  We choose and it starts with a single thought.

#choice #ViktorFrankl

02 March 2015 (72 days after The Day)

Well... therapy is hard.  You must feel to heal.  I have been really struggling with accepting this reality.  With my mom out of my home it is almost like it was before Jan's death.  It sounds weird but it is almost like she isn't gone.  I am struggling to accept her departure.

Ammon and Emma are both ill.  Madilyn and Claire are ok.  Claire is consuming so much more milk.  She now stands in my lap all the time and just has the cutest smile.  I wish Jan could hold her. 

I went shopping for food tonight while a family friend watched Claire and my other kids.  I found myself talking to Jan as I pushed the cart.  I suppose people who saw me thought I was loony.  Just simple conversations ... that is what I miss so much.

Tomorrow is a busy day with more of me trying to figure out how to be at two places at once.  I'm getting help but it is hour by hour until I can get something permanent in place.  Scheduling like this makes me feel like I really neglected Jan's dealings in this arena.  I just accepted her scheduling as something she would figure out.  It was selfish.  So, once again I see the value in sacrifice.  I hate it that Jan is gone and I love it that I am more aware.  I wish I could be this aware without Jan's death.

I feel this blog goes in circles.  I would like to just point toward healing and then head directly there; however, for me it seems that a direct path is too potent and I am unable to process it.  I have to get acclimated to each level of progress.

01 March 2015 (71 days after The Day)

Today has been worse.  It is good I suppose to feel sorrow but the feeling is crushing.  It is a good moment for my mom to not be here because it forces me to get things organized.  I feel like a horrible husband to Jan because this organization takes a lot of work and I just took it for granted.  All of this is doable and I am thankful that Claire is sleeping right now.  She rolled over today.  What a milestone!  So my feelings today have been focused on what I have no control over.  So, in summary, today has been pointless.  I'm going to bed and will start fresh in the morning.   

#rollover #planning