31 December 2018 (4 years and 11 days after The Day)

Here we are - New Years Eve... The older kids are out and Ammon is determined to stay up until the new year comes in.  Claire went to bed and I am emotionally drained.  Samantha is watching a show and I am typing away.  I know this may sound odd but at times the monotony of life is such that it will put me to sleep.  Sometimes I get busy with work or cleaning or random things to take my mind off of reality.  I think that is because life is hard sometimes.  Life is tough and requires active participation and sometimes I think we all just want a break.  I was talking to Samantha the other day on this subject and it just has been on my mind.  Anyway - changing subjects- Madilyn's Christmas gift of some wireless earphones have died.  I guess that is what you get for not purchasing genuine Apple products.  So - the returns have begun.

I'm enjoying my time off for the holidays and will return to work on Wednesday.  It has been good to have a break.  I think everyone needs a break from time to time.

That is it for today.

30 December 2018 (4 years and 10 days after The Day)

It is Sunday.  Sunday seems to be a draining day for me.  It is snowing outside.  Our house is just cold.  I hate that feeling.  The kids are hyper and I am just ready for bed.  We had a chicken and dumplings meal that is soooo appropriate for the weather.  It helped to heat me to the core.

The kids are busy doing chores after eating and I have a moment to sit down and type.  I went for a walk last night and this morning I awoke not so sore.  I would like to go for a walk tonight but not when it is snowing.  Our street is sloped and my luck would have me sliding down the street so I am trying to think of ways of exercising when it is cold outside.  My desire to work out just supersedes my desire to eat something sweet.

Claire came up to me while I was typing so we took a picture.

Claire is asking me to put on a cartoon on Youtube so she can watch it.  So - this is a short entry.  

29 December 2018 (4 years and 9 days after The Day)

So today I went to see Spider-Man into the Spider-Verse with the older kids.  It was a cute movie.  I went for a walk tonight.  A long hour-long walk.  I'm tired.  How lame is this for an entry.  Well - at least it is an entry.

Here is the deep-thought of the day.  Do you ever wish you had the exact right thing to say at a time that what you say matters but instead you screw it up?  Well - that is me today.  I think we all have trigger words.  For me it is the phrase "you do realize"  Can I just be the person to say THAT is not how a question is started.  Please start with the basic Who, What, When, Where, and Why for a question.  When someone phrases a "question" by starting off saying "you do realize" in my opinion they are NOT trying to ask a question but rather trying to establish their superiority and your inferiority in such a way that it embarrasses you.  I am thrust back to my childhood when my dad would phrase questions like this to me.  So - fast forward to today and I snapped at one of my children when they used that phrase and things just went south.  I apologized for snapping to the child that said this but I still felt the same feelings I did 30+ years ago when my dad would use that phrase on me.  I hate it.  I hate the feeling of someone being domineering.  So - suffice it to say my dad and I were not very close.  I guess at some point in time we all have things that trigger us from our life experiences.  For me I strive to be able to handle myself in every situation.  I guess I failed today.

On that note I will start tomorrow anew.  

28 December 2018 (4 years and 8 days after The Day)

Today I ended up just doing a lot of cleaning.  I woke up and we had about 2-3 inches of snow.  I shoveled the driveway and cleaned up a bit outside.  Then I ended up cleaning the house for the rest of the day.  I'm sure that is not very exciting to read but it is what happened.  Samantha and I ran some errands and then this evening we took a moment and went to grab a shake from a burger joint here called JCW's.  It was really good.  I haven't had a shake in forever so it was a real treat.  We got a chance to talk and have a moment without the kids.  It was nice.  Earlier today I replaced the bulb in the lava lamp that Ammon got for Christmas.  The bulb had broken so it took some searching to find the right kind.  Anyway- we let it run and he was all smiles to see the bubbling magic of a lava lamp. That made me smile.

So - this is odd seeing that the new year is so close.  It seems like I am just getting accustomed to writing 2018 and now that year is over.  The one thing I am looking forward to is watching the fireworks here.  People in Utah are crazy about fireworks and there are some good places to watch them but who am I kidding - I'm not staying up to midnight.  Nope.  I will go to sleep at a normal hour.  Oh well... the thought was nice.

I've been thinking of why people in general are dishonest to each other.  They may pretend to be a certain way or tell falsehoods to give the appearance of something else.  I often wonder how things would be if there was no possible way of lying.  I imagine what life would be like in a world where you could immediately tell what the truth was before a person could say anything.  I would imagine that life would be very different.  How many times are people dishonest with each other in a single day?  I would imagine it is more than we think.  Even the most simple - "How are you today?" question that one responds "Fine" when in reality "Fine" is the last thing you really feel.  When someone says "Fine" and you know it isn't how many times do we just keep on walking without skipping a beat even when we know that "Fine" is not really how they feel.  Perhaps it is because we don't want to dive into the details with them or perhaps as the person who says "fine" we say it because we don't want to share everything.  I suppose the point of this rambling is we say "fine" but I think we may be shocked to know just how many other people feel the same as you when you say "fine".  I think we could really comfort each other if we were completely honest.  Anyway - as Jan would say "deep thoughts by Rob".

I'm off to bed.        

27 December 2018 (4 years and 7 days after The Day)

Last night I decided to go to the gym.  I was so tired of not working out and eating because of the holidays that I knew I needed to get to the gym.  I got dressed and drove to the gym and then realized the gym was closed.  I came back home determined to do something.  I went for a walk.  I decided to just walk and walk and walk.  I wanted to walk until I actually got tired.  I think when I was done I was nearly at 10K steps.  I came home and collapsed on the sofa watching the end of Julie and Julia and then the documentary on Stephen Hawking.  After that I had difficulty walking.  I knew when I woke up today it would be bad.  I put on some icy/hot type of stuff and went to bed.    

Today began with me not being able to walk well when I got up.  Luckily that wore off after an hour.  Mid-morning I went with my father-in-law to use a tow-rope to get Dylan's car to the shop.  When we got to the car and pushed it out I realized that there was no place under the car to hook a tow-rope so we ended up calling a tow truck.  When I got back home the internet was acting up.  I find it frustrating when I am unable to fix a technology issue.  I diagnosed it to a DNS issue and long-story short after going through 2 different routers and contacting the provider I am left with an issue that I cannot fix but I have diagnosed it as a vendor issue.  So until they fix the portion on their side I am left with internet circuit that is temperamental.  I spent the remainder of the day cleaning the house.

All the kids ended up going in different directions.  Samantha and I took Emma and Claire to have a hamburger and came back to the house.  I'm tired and feel like I didn't get much done today.

Perhaps tomorrow will be more productive.

26 December 2018 (4 years and 6 days after The Day)

So four years ago I was burying my wife.  I have vivid memories of that time.  It seems like a different life since then.  I know things moved swiftly after her death and I am glad they did.  I feel my kids and I am in a better place.  I still hate that memory.  I still have anger when I think on everything.

My sister got me an Amazon Echo.  After some serious frustrations in getting it setup it has become a point of amusement to all.  Since then it seems everyone (including myself) are asking the most mundane questions "Alexa - what is the weather?, Alexa - what do you think of Siri?, Alexa - Do you send your data to the government?, etc."  The best so far is when I asked her how she can tell between right and wrong... her response... "Hmm.  I don't know about that."  This reminds me of the homeschooling Jan and I were involved in with our kids.  We used a "Thomas Jefferson Education" or TJEd for short.  In this curriculum it is essentially broken into three phases - Core, Love of Learning, and Scholar.  The point of the Core phase is to instill ethics into the student before they learn anything.  The Love of Learning phase is to instill a love of learning that will enable the learner to enjoy learning and make it a life-long endeavor.  Scholar phase is for deep diving into some curriculum.  I'm not talking about studying for a research paper but rather a deeper dive into everything and anything about the subject matter.

Anyway - ethics seems to be a missing important key to lots of political and social media discussions.  Alexa reminds me of what you get with technology without any ethics learning.  So - from someone who deals with artificial intelligence (AI) at work I am intrigued at what the Amazon Echo can help with as well as what it could hurt.  I'm also interested in learning how to train AI technology with ethics since AI technology will likely replace much of what is repeatable.  I mean - you know the phrase "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime" right?  The point of why this is important is what AI I believe has to yet learn.  It can repeat tasks and tell how to tell what step to do next but I don't think it is yet at the point of being able to tell if it should do a certain task because of an ethical conflict.  Anyway - that being said - Amazon Echo is something that is fascinating to me.

Emma and Spencer are heading up North this afternoon.  I am going to run some errands with Samantha and life is getting back to normal.

Perhaps more later -

 

25 December 2018 (4 years and 5 days after The Day)

Christmas day - after a fun time getting everyone up presents opened the mood has settled back down to normal and I think Samantha and I are pooped.  We are both in bed at the moment.  Nap time comes early on Christmas day!

One of the gifts Samantha worked on throughout the year were memory quilts for both Justin and Jan.  Here are the pics with the kids.

On the back of each of these quilts were pictures of the kids with their mom/dad.  For Claire's it is pictures of me and Jan.

Needless to day there were tears of happiness.   I felt as if both Jan and Justin were here in the house with us.  It was a sweet spirit as they all opened their quilts.

Well - there will be more later - 

24 December 2018 (4 years and 4 days after The Day)

Today was a blizzard of getting things ready for tomorrow.  We had family over for dinner and it was really good to get everyone together.  While our immediate family is blending including others can at times be challenging since they are not always around; however, that being said - I think the extended families are blending with my kids ok.  I feel very blessed for Samantha's parents.  They are so very Christlike.  They really do love and care for all of the kiddos.  I feel the same for my mom.  She loves all of the kids.  Perhaps that is a grandparent trait.  I don't know but I do know the kids love the grandparents.

A lot was put into this Christmas so I am excited to see how things go.  Emma Jane and Spencer came in from Logan today and it was good visiting with them again.  They have a tight schedule at work so we will get to visit with them tomorrow as well and then I think they are heading back to school.

I took a few minutes today to try to get Dylan's 94' Saturn SL2 running but I had no luck.  We will get it towed it to the shop and see what they can do.

Anyway - I'm thankful for Samantha making this Christmas all it is.  I am often in awe at what she can accomplish.  So  -with that - I'm off to bed.

23 December 2018 (4 years and 3 days after The Day)

It seems now that I am writing in this blog on a more regular basis I am having difficulty thinking of things that I should write about because I forget about what I wrote the previous day.  So - today was church.  It was a quick church day... there was a lot of caroling and then that was about it.  We came home.  Dylan got into a fender-bender in the church parking lot and then his car would not start after he turned off the engine.  We are still working through that.  We ate the pork chops for dinner that I smoked the other day.  I thought they were good although most everyone else didn't care for the smoke flavor on the chops.  Oh well.  I suppose I will stick to brisket, pulled pork, ribs, etc..  On a good note I have two pork chops left over for me!

Ammon is sick.  He has slept most of the day and went to bed early.  He didn't eat much and didn't go to church.  He was fighting a fever today.  I feel bad for my kids when they are sick.

Claire has been just a hoot.  She sure can make me laugh as she runs around the house.  Her vocabulary is big enough that she says the funniest of phrases.  After church she put on a t-shirt and kept her tights on.  She then preceded to put on some make believe butterfly wings and fly around the house.  She is so precious.

It is supposed to start snowing tonight.  We have family coming over tomorrow.  I think it will be a bit chaotic since everyone will be inside.  Generally when family comes over they spill outside into the backyard and the house isn't too crazy but I think tomorrow will be a little crazy.

That is it for today.  I'm watching another hallmark movie.  :-)

22 December 2018 (4 years and 2 days after The Day)

Today started out rough.  Memories returned of being called to the hospital.  I recall leaving my kids knowing that the probability of me coming back with bad news that would forever change our lives was becoming more of a reality every day.  As I shared these memories Samantha was so patient with me.  She really just allowed me to be in a safe place as I fell apart.  I love her so much.

She asked me what I wanted today... to be busy or do my own thing... I told her I wanted to be busy.  I stayed busy and today was a good day.  I cut up the briskets and man were they good!  I know it is a silly thing but wow did they look and taste so good!  I finally got the smoke ring to turn out right.  I'm happy about that.  Samantha and I ate some for lunch and wow was it good!  After a few errands here and there we ended the day watching a Hallmark movie.  I am happy that it is ending on a positive note.

Until later -

21 December 2018 (4 years and 1 day after The Day)

So today was an action-packed day.  I kept myself busy.  I got up at 4 and started my smoker.  I put the two briskets and one bone-in pork loin on and went back inside.  After I got the fire settled in I sat down at work.  The pork loin finished cooking a little after 8.  It seemed that the day went by quickly.  I was only working a 1/2 day today but still... I assumed the briskets would be cooking all day but that wasn't the case.  I took them off about 1:30 pm.  The briskets cooked at about 34 min/lb which is really weird as they normally cook at about 60 min/lb.  The temp was the same.  Everything was normal.  It just cooked fast.  It was really really weird.  I thought my thermometer was acting up but I have two different kinds and it read the same temp on both so I took them off the smoker and put them in the cooler for a few hours and then cleaned up and took a nap.

When I woke up Emma, Madilyn, Claire, and a few of their friends were watching some Christmas show in the living room.  I decided to start the clean-up process of using my smoker and got the dishes done.  Claire was acting a little cranky so I brought her into the kitchen with me and I fed her some of her remaining birthday cake.  I pulled out the briskets from the cooler and cut a small piece to test.  I asked Claire if she wanted a piece and she nodded.  I brought it over to her with some home made BBQ sauce and she gobbled it up.  They both tasted just fine.  I went ahead and got the briskets in the fridge and finished cleaning up.

I went on a date with Samantha tonight.  We just went to eat Indian food and we just enjoyed it.  I found that I tend to like spicy food more and more.  I think that is odd as when I was growing up I wasn't a fan.  Today is a bit different.  Both Samantha and I order "medium" when we eat Indian food but tonight it wasn't very spicy.  She said it was probably because I put so much red pepper flakes on my food.  It is true.  I do.  I think my taste buds are checking out because things just are not that spicy to me these days.

We ran some errands and stopped off at Baskin Robins (haven't been there since I was a kid) and got a couple of scoops of ice cream.  It was good.  We ended up back at the house and watched Groundhog Day with Bill Murray.  And after the movie I am in bed about to turn off the lights.

I'm so thankful for my kids.  They are all so different.  I never thought I would be a step parent in a million years but here I am.  I am so thankful to play a part in my step-children's lives.  I'm thankful that Samantha and I are on this journey together.  It is good.  Life sometimes is filled with manure but it seems for me that the manure helps eventually for good things to take root and grow.  I miss Jan.  Every day I miss her but I also feel so very blessed to have my family now.  I find myself in an odd situation loving two women.  I am grateful that they both help me to be a better me.  I love them both.

Until later -

  

20 December 2018 (4 years after The Day)

So Happy Birthday to Claire!  She is 4 today.  She is full of funny phrases.  I love her so much.

Jan had this "Think happy be happy" phrase hanging from the van rearview mirror.  I feel so blessed. I had my moments today.  I relived a little.  I had a request come in at work for some very very old data and I had to look over some old backups.  In the midst of doing this I came across a backup that had personal info on it and in it was photos around the funeral.  I just sat there and stared at the photo of the burial vault.  It is blue... her favorite color.  It seems like a dream.  One life ends and another begins.  Claire is so precious.  Combining both her and Samantha I have really healed a lot but in all honesty, the pain doesn't ever leave.  It seems as potent as the day everything occurred.  

On a different note - I have my smoker prepped for tomorrow morning.  I'm working a 1/2 day tomorrow and I figured I would get the briskets in early so I could pull them out early and perhaps go on a date with Samantha.  I learned the hard way through Jan not to put off tomorrow what you can do today.  Dates with your spouse are so important.  

So - thanks for your thoughts and prayers - I felt today was tough but doable.

Until tomorrow- 

19 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 30 days after The Day)

So today started off with a migraine.  I woke up about 4:30 and stumbled into the bathroom.  Afterwards I wandered back to bed and looked at my phone to see the time and noticed that the phone was blurry.  I knew for me that is the beginning of a headache like an ice pick in my eye that generally hits about 30 min after my vision gets weird.  I took some migraine meds and tried to go back to sleep.  After tossing and turning I decided to try to work assuming I could see.  I was able to see enough to get one project done and out of the way and with that I went back to bed for about 30 min which was enough to allow the headache to pass.  I walked around the house with a squint like a pirate and while I'm sure I looked foolish it worked.

The rest of the day went without incident until I was putting Claire down for bed.  Samantha reminded Claire that she needed to get lost of rest because tomorrow was her birthday.  No sooner than those words entered my ears I was thrust back four years.  In a matter of moments I relived the hellish first few days and I crumbled.  I'm trying to be composed for my kids but at times like that it is so difficult.  Samantha is so very loving, caring, compassionate, and kind.  I told her I needed to go to the gym.

While I was at the gym I hit the weights hard.  I had my earbuds in and it seemed all the music reminded me of that day and all the emotion I had poured out of me and into the weights.  This helped me set a personal record for the leg press.  Go me.  After the weights I hit the cycle and ended up texting my sister who has also seen a few struggles in her life.  We laughed together as we shared text messages about how we struggle through pain.  For me lifting weights allowed me to both sweat and cry and for the most part it goes unnoticed.  I'm sure the only thing that could complete the picture would be if I started screaming while I was lifting.  (queue the weird looks from others)  In a funny twist I believe this trip to the gym really helped me to process some of this grief.  I try to be positive or at least put a funny twist on things so I can process the emotion.

Well - I'm back at the house and preparing for tomorrow.  Fingers crossed!

 

18 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 29 days after The Day)

Today was another good day.  It was busy.  That is the trick during the holidays for me.  Stay busy.  I'm off to Home Depot to get a faucet.  I talked with my oldest sister on the phone today.  It was so very good to catch up with her.  It is funny how my sisters and I are so very different from each other.  

It is 9:30 pm and I have not gone to the gym yet.  :-|.  I'm slipping a bit on the gym thing.  I think the holidays make it a challenge.  I also am just absolutely tired.  I do not have trouble falling asleep and that is a good thing for me.  There were times that I struggled to sleep.  I don't think today will be one of those days.

I finished writing a 2018 year in review to mail out with our Christmas cards.  I used the 2017 review to build off of as a template and it is amazing all that has transpired in 12 months.  Samantha has a good habit of the entire family getting our picture taken every couple of years.  I'm glad we have that.  The kids seem so different yet since I live with them I don't see it like I do when I look in at a picture.

Emma picked up a job and is working again and I think that is good.  Alex is getting off of work late tonight so I'm sure he will arrive home exhausted.  We use Disney's Circle device to help manage our device usage here in the house and I just love how we set a bedtime for the TV and it just stops working.  So - on the dot the kids all wander to their rooms and go to bed without us having to tell them to turn off the TV.

And with that in mind - I'm off to bed.

17 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 28 days after The Day)

Today was a good day.  I think it was good because there was a lot to do at work and it kept me busy. I also spent time listening for the door as the Christmas packages were delivered by Amazon.  It seems UPS will knock on the door but other delivery companies (USPS) will not.  They will just put the packages on your doorstep and walk away.  I don't understand why they don't just knock or ring the doorbell.  That is so odd to me.

Claire has a fascination with my wallet.  It is now a prized possession that she seeks to lift from my back pocket.  She is not very subtle and I cannot help but laughing as she jams her entire hand/arm into my pocket to get my wallet.  Once she has it she laughs and shows it to me.  If I try to get it from her immediately she runs off with it as a "catch me" type of moment.  She giggles the entire time.  It makes me smile.

I wrote a Christmas letter about our family this evening and I felt it was really healing.  It gave me a moment to count my blessings and I think we should all do more of that.  As I wrote about everything that has gone on during the year I was left feeling grateful for everything.  I love my family. I am so very thankful for each of them.  I know we all drive each other nuts but I think that is what families do best and I feel closer to them today than I did a year ago.

Well - I'm off to bed.

16 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 27 days after The Day)

So I feel like this is a crescendo in music.  I feel that way because today was a joke.  I was sitting in sacrament meeting at church and Stephen Beus (look him up on YouTube) was playing a Christmas piano piece.  It was beautiful music.  You could feel the Holy Spirit.  It was very nice.  All of a sudden the tears started flowing and I couldn't cut them off.  I seemed to be on a fulcrum before Church that went either to anger or absolute sadness.  I was a mess.  Samantha recommended I go home after that meeting and they would stay for the remaining portion of Church.  I took her up on the offer.  I came home, cleaned up a bit, and went to sleep.  It seemed like only a few minutes passed before someone knocked on the door and was dropping something off for one of the kids.  I crawled back into my bed.  It felt like a comfortable cocoon.  I dozed on and off and then the troop arrived.  I tried to sleep but I couldn't.  The girls made lunch and then settled in the living room watching some teeny-bopper show and Ammon was wanting to join them but they (girls vs. Ammon) were arguing so I had to intervene.

I ended up taking Ammon for a drive and then a hike up the mountain.  I feel bad because he doesn't have anyone his age group in the home and ends up kinda being isolated in that regard.  It was good for he and I to get out and about.  My knee held up and I was very encouraged.  Perhaps all those days at the gym are paying off!  My pedometer on my phone said we hiked 16 flights of stairs.  All I know is we were very high and could see a ton.  The air was clean and crisp and being in nature was very healing.  I think it was healing for us both.  We didn't say much but just being away and up and into the wilderness was nice.  We found a granite outcropping by the trail and just took a seat.  We were both panting as we climbed.  We were going to continue going up but there was mud on the trail that made it very unsafe for us both to get across and not fall down the hillside so we turned around.

I got back home and after dinner we visited with the kids.  We picked up a Christmas tree the other day so we strung lights on it tonight.  I have been filling up the water portion of the tree stand as the tree is gulping water.  The tree was a bit dry at the top and it is slowly getting a drink.

I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.  I think that is because I have a lot of projects but so many moving pieces are out of my hands so I end up just following up with tons of people.  I like to always have a lot of iron in the fire so I can be effective in getting things done but this time of year is a challenge when people are on vacation.  I think if I was on vacation what would I do?  I don't know.  I enjoy work regardless of what it is.  I enjoy making a difference.

Until tomorrow -

  

15 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 26 days after The Day)

Today was just another day I suppose.  I find that I snap at the kids.  I don't mean to but I do.  I feel ever since Jan died that my patience is just gone.  My dad snapped at us kids a lot and I feel I am acting a lot like him which I abhor.  I know he had difficulty talking with kids and if I were looking for an excuse I suppose there is a billion.  The fact is I shouldn't be snapping at them and I am aware that I do.  I feel bad immediately as I do too so I suppose that is good that I am aware.

We took the kids and got a tree today.  I am happy for them as they are building fun memories but I just dislike Christmas.  This season is filled with very tough memories for me.

14 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 25 days after The Day)

Have you ever had a day at work where you felt let down by those you work with?  Today was that day for me.  Ammon went to a birthday party at a trampoline park and Emma Jean is filling out paperwork to start her new job.  I have been having a discussion on Christmas gifts with Samantha.  This year we are cutting back on the amount of gifts we give the kids which is making us prioritize everything even more.

I went to a wedding shower tonight with Samantha, Emma Jane, and Spencer.  The wedding shower was for one of Emma Jane's high school friends.  It was good to see Emma and Spencer again.  I so enjoy when they visit.  The house feels complete.  We stopped for a quick bite to eat afterwards and then to some Christmas shopping and then headed home.  While the kids talked in the kitchen I turned on the TV and went through the channels until I found something I thought would be a non-thinking show.  I ended on "Fearless" with Jet Li.  So... yeah... I got through 1/2 of it and am now triggered beyond belief.  Yay for me.  Going to bed now.  Ug.

13 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 24 days after The Day)

So today I was hyper aware of my need to do things like clean and get things in order.  I did a self test to see if I could just ignore it.  Well - I found out that I could.  So I count that as good news.

I watched a Mark Weins video this evening and he is in Pakistan.  With all the wars in the middle east I have always thought of Pakistan as a place I wouldn't want to visit but to be completely honest this video series of Mark and his family there has changed my perspective.  I think food brings people together.  There are things that can bring joy into our lives regardless of our differences.  There was an older gentleman who was preparing a meal by grinding peppers mortar and pestle and he was smiling ear to ear at seeing himself do that in the camera.  He hugged Mark and I realized that I was smiling too.  I find that children laughing together makes me smile.  Seeing a complete stranger smile a genuine smile makes me happy.  I believe that laughter and yawning are contagious and if I can make someone laugh or smile I have done something good.

The days are ticking by until Claire's 4th birthday.  I think this will be the year that she gets it that it is  her birthday.  She will say things like "happy birthday for me?"  when we say we have to celebrate a birthday (no matter what time of year).  She makes me laugh.  Today she just climbed in my lap a number of times determined for me to work while holding her making me maneuver a number of times  to see over or around her head.

Well - I went to the gym tonight with Emma.  It was good to spend time with her and visit with her.  Sometimes I feel stretched thin to be there for everyone.

Until tomorrow -

12 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 23 days after The Day)

So I neglected to write yesterday.  I went to a high school choir concert in the evening with Samantha and Madilyn and it was really good.  There were like 4 different choirs and each one sang like 5 songs so suffice it to say we were there a while.  It was good seeing Dylan, Emma, and Alex sing.  Emma looks so natural on stage.  I think she is a natural performer.  Dylan also looked very comfortable on stage.  I couldn't see Alex because they had him standing in the back corner because of the large size of the choir and I couldn't see his face but only a few times the entire performance but I could hear him.  Isn't it weird when you can single out voices in a crowd of people?  I guess that explains how penguins can hear a squawk from another bird and say "nope... that's not my wife".

This evening Samantha was listening to a podcast of a woman who suffered a brain injury and who could only recall a few things and every day was a new day.  It was like the movie "50 first dates" but in real life.  We talked about how challenging it is for the woman but how much more challenging it is for the husband who has to be so extraordinarily patient with his wife who can't figure out how to park in another parking spot if someone is parking in hers.  (yes... this lady does drive sometimes).  Anyway - I was walking past the mirror in our bathroom while we were talking and I noticed Samantha's hair brush.  I picked it up and changed the subject.  I asked her if it was weird that I wanted to clean her brush.  I looked at it as "something that needs to be done" in my mind.  She said that I might be suffering from PTSD.  I didn't know how to respond to that.  I took a moment and jumped into the shower and thought on that the entire time.  WebMD and other online sites are good at leading you down the mortality timeline with self-diagnosis where a headache surely means some sort of terminal illness.  I strive to not go onto sites like that but when Samantha mentioned PTSD I'm thinking there are a lot of things I do now that I didn't do so much before Jan died.  For example - I make the bed often.  I clean a lot.  I strive to be always helping around the house.  Samantha says I "hover" at times when she is cooking.  I will put things away (spices, condiments, bread, etc.) when she is cooking to be help clean up only I do this while she is cooking.  I know this sounds completely moronic but in my mind I am helping.  Even writing this makes me laugh at my own actions.  Just acknowledging that I am different than I was before is helpful.  So - it only took 3yrs, 11 months, and 23 days for me to figure this out; however, when I looked up PTSD it is different from some of my actions.  So - perhaps I am a little OCD and PTSD.  Self diagnosis can be a little interesting since I don't have a medical background and I am only looking at things from my own perspective.  I think it is safe to say that all diagnosis aside my actions after Jan's death have helped me to understand that I am a little different than I was previously and help me to laugh at myself which I think can be helpful.  (don't touch the brush)

On a positive note - my bed looks good.  hahahaha



 

  

10 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 21 days after The Day)

The day was as I expected.  Completely filled with busy work (i.e. emails, phone calls, weekly tasks, etc.).  Tonight was spent talking with Emma about colleges.  I think she has a lot of options because she is like Jan.  She is just an 'A' student.  She is planning her senior year.  I swear... I feel old with Emma becoming a senior.

In the evening we generally have two kids that love to start having conversations late at night.  It is 11:04 PM and Emma is laying on my bed talking about college.  I'm such an early bird... I just have difficulty staying awake.

I went to the gym tonight.  I'm sore (again).  I'm trying to get back into it.  I've slacked off over the last few weeks.  My thoughts are so disjointed tonight.  I think I am just tired.

I realized that I need to have more engaging conversations with the kids.  I think I find myself so unfocused in life.

until tomorrow -

09 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 20 days after The Day)

So today was Sunday.  We went to church as normal.  Samantha and I have been working through some of the challenges of blending our family and instead of going to Sunday School we spent time talking through some of our thoughts and feelings.  It is good to know we are partnering through this. Blending families is not very easy.  We then went to our men/women meetings and I stepped out early from mine.  The leader invited a guy who was a medic to give an overview of some of the safety gear he has to use when called to save people (i.e. either mountainous or water rescues) and in the process I drifted off to reliving seeing Jan be given CPR and I had to step out to clear my head.  Claire was given a balloon in her Sunday school class and she was in very good spirits.  We gathered back at the house and I opted to make myself some chicken noodle soup.  I was cold.  You know the cold that you have internally that you just can't shake?  Well - that was me today.  I changed out of my suit and into some comfy clothes and wore a hooded jacket.  So - I thought chicken noodle soup with some red pepper flakes, carrots, and onions sounded good.  It was good.  Afterwards I took a nap.  Claire was being entertained by Emma and Madilyn and I just crashed.  I awoke feeling much better.  I think  reliving the grief just makes me tired.  Anyway - later this evening Samantha got the recipe to make cinnamon tree ornaments and we all made some.  I helped Claire make some and she was so cute.  We ended the day watching the Chevy Chase film Christmas Vacation (one of my favorites) with the older kids and all had a few laughs.

I recorded her earlier in the day hopping on one of the couch cushions.  She just makes me laugh.  She is getting big.  4yrs is only a few days away.

After my week in the office I am having to catch up on the day-to-day activities that have been slacking so I would imagine that tomorrow will be filled with a lot of to-do's that have been put off for over a week.

Well - until tomorrow.

 

08 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 19 days after The Day)

So - I have taken a moment this last week.  I had to travel to Arlington.  It is always a tough time for me to be back in Arlington in December.  The weather was rainy and my days were filled with meetings at work.  After my first day there I retired to the hotel and was about to head down to the gym when I had a knock on my hotel door.  I looked through the peephole and saw Samantha hiding off to the side of the door.  I opened the door and was just beside myself.  I was speechless.  I was so very thankful and shocked that she followed me to Arlington.  She arranged for childcare and purchased a ticket a month prior.  It was a complete secret and I have no idea how I didn't get a hint of it or anything.  Anyway, we were able to spend a few days there after my work as a "vacation".  It was nice.

One of Jan and my friends from long ago posted on my Facebook a video about grief.  For those that have never lost someone all I can say is it was very touching.  It was very real.  I both love and hate December.  I relive that hellish moment every year and I strive to put on my happy face but for me it has just been a few tears.

So - I'm back and will write again tomorrow.

03 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 14 days after The Day)

It is humid and cold.... Houston cold here in Utah.  It is so darn cold that I can't be outside very long before it is hard to blink.  The cold seems to cut through your clothing.  I'm ready for summer!

Ammon stayed home from school today.  He was coughing up a storm.  He also decided to pull a tooth that was loose so I suppose the tooth fairy is going to be busy tonight.  We kept him downstairs most of the day to prevent him spreading his germs but after more than a day downstairs the poor kid was just itching to join me upstairs.  I have tried to keep the Lysol spray handy and keep reminding him to cover his mouth.  Claire is coughing too so that makes for cranky kids.  The humidifiers are running full blast so hopefully both Claire and Ammon can get some sleep.  Currently Claire is sound asleep but I hear Ammon coughing and coughing.  I'm going to get him some medicine to help him cough less.

Emma and Madilyn have taken to a teeny-bopper type of show on TV that is filmed in China.  All the language is in Mandarin Chinese with subtitles in English.  Is that odd?  I think so.  I suppose it helps them learn how to read quickly! They look forward to watching it.

Samantha went Christmas shopping tonight.  She was trying to get away while the kids were here so she could get some things done.  Well - I'm going to take care of Ammon - the poor kid is still coughing.

Until later -



 

 

02 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 13 days after The Day)

Well - the holidays are taking a toll on me.  I had such a struggle today at church.  I suppose I just feel the holidays approaching.  For the past few days I have gone to sleep with a migraine and I think I am just stressed out over what the holidays represent.  I really want them to be happy and joy-filled but I just get thrown back to 2014 and the hell I lived through.

It snowed today.  It snowed enough to cover the everything.  This made a bit of effort to get the snow off the vehicle so it could be driven to church.  I used the snow as a teaching moment for Emma since she hasn't driven in it yet.  She drove both to and from church.  I snapped at her on the way home because I felt she wasn't paying attention to the instructions I was giving her.  I'm sure she was just acting like a typical 16 year old but I just got frustrated that Jan isn't here to help her.  She and Jan have so many similarities so perhaps it wouldn't be good but today I just felt alone in trying to help Emma.

Both Ammon and Claire have colds.  Bummer.  They are coughing a ton.  I know it is the season but I hope they both get to feeling better.  

Work is winding down or up for the year (depending on how you look at it) and I am working on a presentation I have to give.  I find myself getting so into the details for what to present that my presentation ends up being twice as long as it needs to be before I scale it back.  This is normal.  So - coupling the juggling of stuff I have with work this week with my frustration at Jan has left me feeling deflated.  I apologized to Samantha today as I know I have been distant and visibly frustrated.  I haven't fully communicated all of this and I think it has just taken me most of the day to identify what has been frustrating me.  I think the key to a happy marriage is a whole lot of patience and long suffering!  Samantha sure has patience with me.  I can only hope I am as patient with her. 

On a funny note - Claire can now get into her bed by herself.  She is still sleeping in the crib.  She is not a climber and is completely content just playing in bed with her  stuffed animals.  Anyway - she showed me and Samantha the other day that she can get in by climbing up the side leaning 1/2 way in and somersaulting into the bed.  It was both scary and funny.  She is so good at getting in this way that it just makes Samantha and I laugh every time.  

I got a chance to see old friends from church in Arlington, TX that came up to put his work on display as a part of an artist gallery.  It was so good to see him and his wife. 

Well - I am winding down for the evening.  I find myself telling stories to the kids when they are young.  Tonight I started one with Ammon and afterwords I thought it was pretty good.  I think I will write them down and build on them.  

Until next time -