Today I learned what patience means. I learned the love of my children. They have been processing the same hard information and feelings and I have been unavailable. Today I realized that. I realized how much they need me and how absent I have been. I realize how much they love me and how much I love them. I realized how they are doing their best to work through life challenges alone. I realized we have a lot in common. I spent some time speaking with one of my daughters and had the weight of realization come upon me. I realized I have not been there for them. I hugged her and apologized. I have been adrift attempting to do what I did prior to Jan's death. I have been literally doing nothing but trying to live. I realized tonight that I am no longer going to be adrift. I am no longer going to go wherever the wind blows but I will set my course and plan. I don't know how one does this but I am beginning this journey. After all I have processed tonight - I realized how little I have been there for Jan. Isn't it amazing how the smallest gestures and comments can speak volumes to you? I suppose tonight was the missing piece of the puzzle and for the first time I was able to step back and realize how adrift I have been.
Tonight I reflected on some of the tougher parts of my marriage. I reflected on the pain Jan was going through with the struggles with her family and how that pain sometimes would manifest itself in various ways. Pain can be very isolating. When others don't understand it is as if you are speaking a different language to them. They want to learn but no matter how often one says it... (even slower and louder) there is no instant understanding. There is not understanding because there is no reference. For the longest time in my life I was allergic to dairy products. I recall asking someone what Cheesecake tasted like. I got a lot of descriptions. It is smooth. (like mash potatoes?) No.. it is sweet (like taffy?) Kind of... it is kind of tart (like a lemon?) No.. like cheese only sweet. (um.. .no thanks. I'll pass on dessert). This same concept seems to exist when explaining pain. I may attempt it but it amounts to nothing unless you have some personal reference. So I reflect on my inability to understand Jan's pain and I can see how she was alone in processing this information. Trust is important as well so even when you come across someone who understands where you are coming from it is important for there to be trust. For Jan - she just was alone. I did my best but I was left not grasping the anguish she was feeling. The isolation. The betrayal. I just didn't get it. I understand some of it now though. At least... I understand how alone she must have felt.
Hindsight is always 20/20.
