31 May 2015 (162 days after The Day)

So another Sunday has passed.  I did 'ok' during church until just after the main services.  I felt hot and a little nauseous.  I took a seat in one of the foyer's and read some scriptures.  After a while of sitting there I realized I was sad.  An odd symptom for sadness but once I realized what it was I just held it together until the kids were out of their classes.  We came home and ate lunch.  My mom watched the kids and I took a much needed nap.  I woke refreshed.  I took the kids on individual walks and we had a good time.   I think we are all kind of numb to this change.  We all realize it but sometimes it hits us like a 2x4 over the head and we wake up to feel it all over again.  Our summer schedule starts with more school and other activities.  Until tomorrow -  

30 May 2015 (161 days after The Day)

Today I made the observation at how close to the spirit my kids are.  They just are in touch with their feelings.  They don't ignore or bury them.  They just feel them.  They take the time to feel.  We are finishing up the movie tonight and then I am going to get some sleep.  Claire decided to wake up at 2:30 this morning and went to sleep around 5.  I am just tired.  When I put new sheets on the bed tonight I instinctively turned down the sheets on Jan's side.  I caught myself doing this in the middle of me doing it but just did it anyway.  Sometimes there are actions like that that catch me off guard.  Sleep is calling me.

29 May 2015 (160 days after The Day)

Today was another blizzard of work.  It made my time at work fly by.  I am slowly starting to make some headway there and that offers an escape from the pain.  I come home and feel some pain.  My kids are functioning and Claire is cranky and sleepy.  Tonight was her LAST dose of meds.  These are the meds she has been on since she was born.  My mom got her to sleep and I went to mow the lawn.  I got that done and cleaned out the gutters.  I finally got in contact with my roofer and he is sending someone over tomorrow to fix the leak.  Rain is in the forecast but at least there is hope that this will be repaired permanently. 

Tonight is movie night with the family.  So it is 9:00 and we have decided to start the movie.  I don't know if I am going to last the movie.  I am tired.  My kids are in good moods so that is positive.  Despicable Me... now showing at the Weaver's.

28 May 2015 (159 days after The Day)

Today was a blizzard at work.  A gob of tasks coming from all different directions.  My kids have  struggles on and off.  Tonight it was good just giving a round of hugs.  I think everyone is in need of a hug.  It is funny how hugs have healing powers.  So there is another round of storms that are going to pass through the DFW area.  I am grateful for the water but we have plenty and to spare.  Ammon is afraid of the thunder.  I spent some time talking to and comforting him.  I hope he is able to sleep tonight.

27 May 2015 (158 days after The Day)

Today I am extremely angry and sad.  What a combo.  I am irritated that Jan and I signed up for being and raising a family together (i.e. marriage) and I feel left alone.  I just need something to change to make this more enjoyable.  As it currently stands I am just surviving.  Perhaps what needs to change is my own attitude.... my viewpoint and perspective.

I am tired, my roof damage has caused leaking in my garage, and I just miss Jan.  It has been 159 days since I last talked with her and the pain I feel is still raw and tender.  I swear I could sleep for a month to escape this.  I hear people say "I couldn't get out of bed" when experiencing this type of loss.  I totally understand that.   My kids have helped me still move around even though I am just going through the motions.  For me it is still one day at a time.

26 May 2015 (157 days after The Day)

Well - more rain.  New roof is leaking.  :-(  Grabbed my phone and took a video.  Put a call into the roofer and will see what happens.  I grabbed some towls and sopped up the standing water that was on a piece of cardboard that I placed before the new roof to catch the water.  I'm fortunate that the leak is over the garage/living room so hopefully the damage will be minimized.

My girls put about 90% of their belongings in bins and I put them in the attic.  I don't know why that event was so emotional for me but afterwards I felt like I did after the funeral.  My energy was just gone. 

With that as a background with the rain - I think I will sleep well tonight assuming Claire sleeps too.  :-)

25 May 2015 (156 days after The Day)

So I picked up about 17 more tote bins for tomorrow's cleaning.  I am excited that the girls will have a room that is easy for them to maintain.  Our counselor will be working with them and I hope it is a positive experience.  When I returned from Lowes I was bombarded by my kids to go to the neighborhood pool.  I packed up our stuff and away we went.  They spent a couple of hours swimming and then the storms started.  I had planned on taking Madilyn on a daddy-daughter date but we had storms blow through DFW and I didn't want to get caught in it.  After returning home I decided to take a nap since the house was quiet and Claire was sleeping.  Madilyn joined me and we slept and slept.  It was good cuddling with her.  Afterwards the rain had passed and Madilyn awoke desiring to have her daddy-daughter date.  Grandma held down the fort and Madilyn and I went to Sonic for an ice cream.  It was good to visit.  The storm had given the atmosphere a "new" feeling.  A refreshed environment with all the rain made the time pleasant.

24 May 2015 (155 days after The Day)

Today I had difficulty in Sunday School - the lesson was on Lazarus.  I just am left reflecting on the "what if's".  Nothing good comes from this in my mind as I cannot go back in time.  I can learn from these events but I cannot change them.  I think all who grieve wish the Good Lord was there to bring our loved ones back.

I went by Jan's grave.  I get that this is real but I have a hard time comprehending what this means long-term.  I'm still day-to-day with all my efforts.  My heart breaks tonight. 

23 May 2015 (154 days after The Day)

Today was one of those days that seemed to move fast.  I went to Lowe's and picked up some storage bins.  We will be decluttering our home and we are separating what is important and what isn't.  What stays in the room vs. what goes in the attic.  I will be doing this for my own room as well.  I also had a moment to wrestle with them.  We had a good time and it was good to feel so close to them.

My kids and I went to the park this afternoon.  I checked the weather and found we had about 1.5 hours before it started to rain.  My kids played on the playground and Claire and I just chilled out on the park bench.  She was facinated with the breeze and watching the trees.  It started to sprinkle and we headed home.  Not 5 min after getting home the rain fell in sheets.

Emma and I had a good talk tonight.  We just wept together.  I'm grateful that my kids can and do speak to me when they have troubles. 

22 May 2015 (153 days after The Day)

Today was an interesting day.  Everything was normal... actually somewhat upbeat.  I left work and got to the first stop light.  Something clicked.  I just felt anger.  That wave got larger and larger.  I walked in the house angry and upset.  I ate dinner and went to a meeting.  The meeting ended around 9:30 and I am less upset.  I don't know why or what led to the wave of frustration and anger but it was staring me in the face.  I just miss Jan.

So, I am sitting at my computer and it is 10:00 at night.  The kids are in bed and it is quiet.  What a rare occasion.  I am enjoying this time.

21 May 2015 (152 days after The Day)

So today was more positive.  I think it was a combination of getting a bunch of stuff done at work and feeling like I am making progress with therapy.  So, I say that is a win in my book.

Claire struggled going to sleep tonight.  Who knows why.  Perhaps gas. 

20 May 2015 (151 days after The Day)

Today I am learning that life does not wait for you.  This is a lesson I have been taught before.  I am facing a significant hurdle.  It goes like this - I have to have my game face on to function during the day but I must have it off to heal.  My daily functions run from 6 am to 10 pm.  By 10 I am exhausted and don't know how I will have time for myself.  Claire will generally wake at 2 am for a feeding and if I am lucky she will go to sleep by 3.  Like right now... my kids need to be in bed but I am typing this.  I need to go help them get into bed but I am forcing myself to have a moment of solace.  I must make time sometime.  I just don't know how to do it. 

19 May 2015 (150 days after The Day)

So after 2 hrs of sleep last night I emerged as someone studying for finals in college.  I don't know how I got through the day.  Personal counseling in the morning and group counseling at night have my mind in a Jello-like state.  I have only one jewel of a memory.  When I dropped of my kids today I had an experience which gave me a wonderful memory I hope to carry with me my whole life.  I hugged my kids as they left my car and my son came by and asked why I was crying.  I told him I was just a little sad.  He just hugged me and said "I love you daddy".  That moment healed a portion of my heart.  Then he just scampered off.  Well, I'm off to bed because at this point there is no telling what I could write.

18 May 2015 (149 days after The Day)

Today I learned what patience means.  I learned the love of my children.  They have been processing the same hard information and feelings and I have been unavailable.  Today I realized that.  I realized how much they need me and how absent I have been.  I realize how much they love me and how much I love them.  I realized how they are doing their best to work through life challenges alone. I realized we have a lot in common.  I spent some time speaking with one of my daughters and had the weight of realization come upon me.  I realized I have not been there for them.  I hugged her and apologized.  I have been adrift attempting to do what I did prior to Jan's death.  I have been literally doing nothing but trying to live.  I realized tonight that I am no longer going to be adrift.  I am no longer going to go wherever the wind blows but I will set my course and plan.  I don't know how one does this but I am beginning this journey.  After all I have processed tonight - I realized how little I have been there for Jan.  Isn't it amazing how the smallest gestures and comments can speak volumes to you?  I suppose tonight was the missing piece of the puzzle and for the first time I was able to step back and realize how adrift I have been.

Tonight I reflected on some of the tougher parts of my marriage.  I reflected on the pain Jan was going through with the struggles with her family and how that pain sometimes would manifest itself in various ways.  Pain can be very isolating.  When others don't understand it is as if you are speaking a different language to them.  They want to learn but no matter how often one says it... (even slower and louder) there is no instant understanding.  There is not understanding because there is no reference.  For the longest time in my life I was allergic to dairy products.  I recall asking someone what Cheesecake tasted like.  I got a lot of descriptions.  It is smooth.  (like mash potatoes?)  No.. it is sweet (like taffy?)  Kind of... it is kind of tart (like a lemon?)  No.. like cheese only sweet.  (um.. .no thanks.  I'll pass on dessert).  This same concept seems to exist when explaining pain.  I may attempt it but it amounts to nothing unless you have some personal reference.  So I reflect on my inability to understand Jan's pain and I can see how she was alone in processing this information.  Trust is important as well so even when you come across someone who understands where you are coming from it is important for there to be trust.  For Jan - she just was alone.  I did my best but I was left not grasping the anguish she was feeling.  The isolation.  The betrayal.  I just didn't get it.  I understand some of it now though.  At least... I understand how alone she must have felt.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

17 May 2015 (148 days after The Day)

Today was a good day.  In summary... I slept.  That was very much needed.  I went to church late because I finally got to sleep around 6 or so and didn't wake up until after 9.  We talked about the prodigal son.  I often looked at this story from the side of one of the brothers.  Today I looked at it from the father's side.  He probably knew what his son was going to do with his inheritance and yet he allowed him to leave.  The concept of love that is taught there speaks volumes to me.  I think God knows exactly what we will do when given to our own desires and then allows us to live through the consequences.  We are allowed to grow.  When the story starts and ends we are left with two sons that live at home.  The main difference is internal.  I just began to realize how much God loves us even when we stray and how much he wants us to learn and how he wants us to desire to return home.  That internal desire is I believe what we are all working on.

16 May 2015 (147 days after The Day)

Well - yesterday has been a very rough day for me.  I have muscled through everything but I am just feeling sad.  I did have a reprieve when I took care of the lawn.  So, perhaps I need to do more of that. 

I have thought on the phrase "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger".  I'd like to add the addendum "but you may wish for death along the way".  I have a new found appreciation for this struggle.  I welcome it.  Doesn't that sound odd?  I do.  I welcome the ability to grow spiritually and emotionally from this event.  Don't get me wrong - I mourn the loss of my best friend.  There isn't a moment that passes that I don't wish I could be with her.  The sharpness of the pain has dulled a bit.  I don't know if it really has or that I am more accustomed to the javelin.  The pain comes in waves as it always has and I now understand what that ocean looks like more than when I was first adrift.  I can see the peaks and valleys.

So - it is nearly 4am and my sleeping is what it seems to be these days.  I assume Claire will need a bottle so I am awake.  Yay!  Ammon has come into my bedroom because of the intense thunderstorm.  I'm dating this entry for yesterday since I technically should be asleep right now.  I'll write more later.

15 May 2015 (146 days after The Day)

So today were waves of sadness.  I am ready to not be sad.

14 May 2015 (145 days after The Day)

In therapy today I relived the worst memories of this entire ordeal.  If it were possible I would take a 2x4 and whack it out of my head.  I wish there was a way to vomit memories.

Experiences like this or reliving them seems to be a vacuum to my strength.  I am tired.  I am exhausted.  I am going to bed.

13 May 2015 (144 days after The Day)

Today seems to be like any other.  I think that the grief I feel is constant.  It is like a cold pool.  The coldness doesn't stop but you start to get accustomed to the temperature.  Eventually I think I will find happiness again but right now I am hyperventilating because the water is frigid.

My kids laugh these days.  They are very sweet.  They help me smile and smiling is good.  

12 May 2015 (143 days after The Day)

Today I had the opportunity to go to therapy on my own.  It was different but good.  Probably 6 or so weeks ago I set an appointment with Social Security Agency to talk about survivor's benefits for my kids.  For those that don't know when you pay into US Social Security you have a right to claim payment when you reach 65 years old (this number has increased over the years).  In every paycheck from your employer you will have taxes and social security withheld.  Social Security is mandated by the US Government.  The concept is that as a society we can all pitch in to allow people to retire at say 65 years old and then receive a small social security check monthly until they die.  If you die prior to claiming social security benefits your dependents can withdraw it and when they do it is called "Survivor Benefits".  So I go to the social security office building with an appointment.  My mom and Claire are with me.  We are instructed to bring my ID along with birth certificates and SSN cards for all kids, Jan and my SSN cards, Marriage Certificate, and Jan's Death Certificate.  After an hour of having this information plugged into a computer we were told we didn't qualify because Jan didn't work long enough.  Social Security requires a person to have worked at least 10 years or at least 1.5 years within the last 3 years before they die.  The 10 years may be lessened if the person died early in life.  Since Jan worked earlier on in our marriage and didn't have the amount of years needed (for sure not 10) my kids were denied benefits.  It is just irritating that Jan payed into something that was redistributed to someone else. I believe Michelle Obama stated this perfectly when she said

The truth is, in order to get things like universal health care and a revamped education system, then someone is going to have to give up a piece of their pie so that someone else can have more.

In 2015 social security is about 6% of your gross salary but I don't know what it was for the years Jan worked.  I find it interesting that the Government (i.e. you and me) believe taking the monies paid in could not be returned in full if credits were not adequate for a full benefit.  I'm not saying that my kids should get more than was paid in.... I'm saying Jan paid extra taxes all those years and where did that money go?  In this case my four kids get nothing for all the monies "donated" to social security.  No returned funds, no mom, and extra expenses to function without her.  Sounds fair.  At any rate - how fun.

  

   

11 May 2015 (142 days after The Day)

Today my kids and I read a little more in the scriptures.  I think I am enjoying our time more and more like I used to.  We all have sad moments but tonight was a good night and I felt we all bonded.  I have thought on the differences my kids have from my own childhood.  When I was their age I was on my bicycle roaming the neighborhood.  I was rarely at home.  I would leave for hours only to return for a snack or when persuaded by my mom using the original "cell phone" which involved her tuning in her mother's intuition and driving through the neighborhood until she found me.  These days being outside is less safe and kids are forced to spend many more hours in the home than out.  With Jan less involved in the physical day to day it has me wondering how can I support my kids in all their activities during the summer and after school when I am at work.  I suppose this is the struggle of any single parent. 

10 May 2015 (141 days after The Day)

Today was a tough day.  It is coming to a close.  Rain prevented Claire from going to church so it was just me, Madilyn, and Ammon.  After church and lunch we went by Jan's grave and put out some flowers.  It was really good to do that.  We came back and all rested.  More storms are flowing through the DFW area so our low lake levels are beginning to rise. 

I started reading the scriptures with my kids again.  We haven't done that in a while.  That was good to start again.  Small things.  Simple changes.  Those are the activities I am able to do.  So far that is what is making a difference.

This next week brings lots of activity.  I hope all goes well. 

Last but not least - Happy Mother's Day, Jan.  We all miss you terribly.  We all love you endlessly.

09 May 2015 (140 days after The Day)

Ammon had his belt test (blue with a black stripe) and Madilyn had her game.  They lost 2:1.  It was a good game though.  Claire has started to drink a ton.  She is consuming about 8 oz more than normal prior to bedtime.

I picked up some roses for the kids to put on Jan's grave as well as a bouquet for my mom from the kids and me.  I also picked up some roses for Jan.  I went by her grave tonight and unpacked the folding chair and sat by her grave and had a conversation.  All of the walls I had up to hide my emotions came crumbling down.  I am just in some pain.  The good news is after getting back home I am exhausted but I feel better.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  I'm going to make it the best one I can for my kids.  Everyone is sad.

#TaeKwonDo #mothersday 

08 May 2015 (139 days after The Day)

Today was a quick day.  I had a very challenging project at work that I have worked on for the past two days.  It has helped me NOT be so sad.  For that I am grateful.  I got to a point where I have to involve engineers from HP so I think that is a good stopping point.  When I arrived home I found my kids were also missing Jan.  I don't know what has made this week such a tough week but it has been. 

I believe Madilyn has a soccer game tomorrow and I will attempt to get my lawn mowed before it rains again.  For me, weekends are the toughest.  I have to feel when I am at home.  I am trying not to fight it so much.

I have to start processing the piles of funeral stuff in my home.  Letters, cards, important papers, Jan's clothing, etc... All pain.  I will begin to go through a bit tomorrow.

07 May 2015 (138 days after The Day)

Big storms are blowing through DFW.  I am struggling today as I was yesterday.  I'm having trouble staying composed in front of my kids.  I went for a walk today and that was good.  I think I should do more of that.  I hope that will help me begin to process my emotions.  I just miss my Jan so so much.  I just cannot imagine living another 50 or more years without her.  I'm sure once I process this emotion I won't be so down but that is currently where I am.

06 May 2015 (137 days after The Day)

Today has been a rough day.  It started off OK but apparently this emotion I have bottled up is starting to spill.  I am extremely sad.  I went to a church function tonight and just did good to sit at a table by myself staring off into nothing.  Nothing else to say.

05 May 2015 (136 days after The Day)

Today at group therapy we discussed forgiveness and the healing that comes from it.  I've been thinking on the grudges I carry.  I carry them to justify the injustice given to either me or Jan.  Recently I was able to let go of a lot of baggage I carried around regarding my father.  It was very healing to let go of it.  We discussed the question "Is forgiveness is instant?".  Everyone said no except me.  I think that it may take a while to get to a point of wanting to forgive but once you do you no longer have to carry the burden with you.  I am working on letting go of those injustices.  I am working to be free of that burden.

Emma, Madilyn, Ammon, and Claire are all healing as well in their own ways.  Below is a pic I got after Madilyn's baptism.

 

 Yes, I am still wearing my wedding band.  I don't know when I will be ready to remove it.  I think that will come with time.  I am so happy for Madilyn.  She has matured so much over the last year.  It is scary to think in the not to distant future Emma will be driving.  I'm so not ready for that.  And Ammon is just a ham.  He seriously knows how to make me laugh.  Claire seems very selective on who she decides to smile at; however, once she does it lights up her face.  I love it.

04 May 2015 (135 days after The Day)

Tonight I am sad.  Seemed like a normal day.  Yet I am sad.  Claire had her 4 month pediatric appointment today and all is looking good.  Claire had a couple of shots and one oral vaccination.  I am glad to see her on this path of health.  She downed over 8oz of milk tonight, her normal meds, and snuggled up and went to sleep.  It is funny how a child so small can attach to your heart so quickly and easily.

I think I am sad that I am accepting more and more that Jan is gone.  That acceptance is just painful.  It is a cup of pain that I feel forced to drink.

03 May 2015 (134 days after The Day)

So I have thought today on the need for honesty for healing to really occur.  I am amazed at how healing can occur when someone opens up and is real with the challenges they face.  This has happened with me as well.  I have found that I am not alone.  It is funny how we all may feel alone when going through challenges.  We think nobody understands or nobody has problems like ours.  I found this to be false.  While the problems others face may be different the way we respond to them seems to be similar.  The same isolation and wishing for reprieve is all to common.  I find myself looking around at all the people I see and realize everyone is facing challenges just like me in different ways.

I have thought how we all put on our game face to help others believe we are better than we really are.  Perhaps we do this to avoid dealing with our issues.  To avoid judgement from others.  How healing it is to know that the one that you believe has all their stuff in order is really doesn't.  Why?  Because we just want to know that normal isn't perfection.  We are all dealing with challenges.

#honesty

02 May 2015 (133 days after The Day)

Today I went to see Emma and Madilyn's Shakespeare's play A Midsummer Night's Dream.  It was so good.  I had so many emotions being back in the church where I helped Jan get settled.  I was very choked up and didn't have the ability to share my feelings adequately with the person who took over.  I believe Jan would be smiling on how everything has turned out.

Tonight I am going to bed happy for how everything went and sad that I miss my Jan.

01 May 2015 (132 days after The Day)

Today seemed like a "new normal" day.  Same routine.  Same challenges.  I picked up my girls from their Shakespeare performance tonight and while I was driving to pick them up I just had a chat with Jan.  I guess it was the first time in a while that I just opened up.  It was good to release some of that emotion that has churned over in my mind.  Shortly after I got back home I realized I am tired.  Really tired.  Like the tired I felt directly after Jan passed.  I realized that 30 min of emotion takes a lot of energy to process.  I know I have more to process so I am just trying to identify a system that will support that.

I arrived back home with my girls being exhausted and Ammon asleep.  I am tired too.  Madilyn has a soccer game tomorrow and then the performance later that night.  I still need to figure out Mother's Day.