29 Sept 2015 (283 days after The Day)

It seems crazy that September is almost over.  Time is moving on and my kids are excited (and a bit nervous) about the upcoming change.  For me the change will bring a bit of comfort and normalcy; however, I have told Samantha and myself that while it will be comforting to be married again - I will not expect Samantha to be Jan nor will I want to be Samantha's late husband.  We are each our own selves and with that I have peace that we can comfort each other through the rest of our lives.  She is such a good woman and mother.  I feel blessed to join our families together.

28 Sept 2015 (282 days after The Day)

Well - Monday has come and the weekend has ended.  282 days ago every day was a Monday.  Every day was draining.  Today brings a new day... a new decision.  My morning was filled catching up on projects, establishing new directives for my staff, and helping move forward some challenges that seem never-ending.  I had a moment to speak with my supervisor and that is always positive.  Life is funny... we spend a lot of time at work ... but strive to focus on the family.  So, I have decided to ask myself a simple question.. if my family is really important... what have I done today to strengthen it?  When Samantha and I get married we will have 7 kids.  7 kids will want to spend one-on-one time with me and Samantha.... to build the family bonds.  On Sundays I used to meet with my kids for about 30 min each... I will start doing that again.  I called them "mentor meetings".  They were a safe and private meetings where we had real discussions about life and struggles.  This included things that were good and bad.  I think I will need to to ensure I have time with every child.  I also need to make time to spend with Samantha.  One of the lessons I learned about Jan and my marriage was that we stopped being husband and wife and started being mom and dad.  That was extremely taxing on our marriage.  I realize now that while we felt like we were doing what was right for the kids... it really was a disservice to everyone.

27 Sept 2015 (281 days after The Day)

Well - Sunday was a good day.  I was able to spend it with my kids, my mom, and Samantha.  While in one of our church meetings I introduced Samantha as a visitor and as my fiance.  People clapped and cheered.  I was a little taken off-guard by that.  Sometimes I just forget that many people just remember the horrific story... so having a positive one to add to my life story is worthy of cheers. 

At night my kids had some homework to do and I have struggled with how to help Madilyn.  Samantha worked with her and that helped a ton.  With experiences like this I am glad that Samantha can see the real me... the person who struggles as a parent to be all for their kids... a person who just is trying to do their best.  We had a long discussion on the schooling in our home and the challenges that exist for my kids.... what the future holds and how we can best prepare for it.  That discussion was very draining.  I think it was draining because I am trying to further schooling my kids like Jan did and I am realizing that I cannot do it alone.  I just am failing.  That is a hard lesson for me.  Change is coming and I am trying to ease the burden that change has on my kids.  In a way I feel like Jan is slipping away again.  It just pains me.

26 Sept 2015 (280 days after The Day)

So - Ammon and Madilyn are in a primary program tomorrow.  We dropped them off at church and ran some errands with Emma.  After we picked them up Samantha and Emma went to lunch and Madilyn and Ammon both played with their friends.  Claire was really needy so I spent a long portion of time just holding her.  Claire and Samantha are both warming up to each other and Samantha can now hold her without Claire crying.  The "stranger danger" has passed a little.  I just look on this and think that Jan has had a direct influence on how this is all turning out.  It is a little amazing to me.

25 Sept 2015 (279 days after The Day)

Well - Friday has come.  It is a welcome break from the day-to-day.  Samantha's schedule this weekend is lightened which will give us an opportunity to visit some.  I'm looking forward to that.  I also had a wonderful moment where my eyeglasses almost snapped in half.  I made a run to the optometrist and was able to get a new pair on order.  In the meantime I am attempting to be extra vigilant that I don't further damage them to the point where I cannot wear them.

I watched the move Real Steel tonight with Samantha and my kids.  It was a cute show.  We all piled on the couch.  And... while Samantha's kids weren't able to come over tonight it was still nice to spend time together.

24 Sept 2015 (278 days after The Day)

Today Ammon said something that was hard to hear yet sweet..  We were all crowded around the computer doing FaceTime with Samantha and her family.  Ammon asked Samantha "Can I start calling you mom?  While I am comforted that Samantha is filling this role and I know Jan is happy that the void of "mom" is being filled... I still find myself being put back to the time when Jan was at the funeral home... just looking at her body dressed and ready for the casket.  I remember telling her... "This is not how it was supposed to be!"... Yet... with that raw memory... I am comforted that Samantha has come into our lives and opened her heart and loved me and my kids.  She has treated my kids as her own and I cannot adequately share how much that means to me.  Indeed blessings do come from tragedy.  I have learned how two broken people who have figured out how to move forward can help support each other.  I have learned the power of love heals even the most horrific events.  I am indeed grateful for Samantha.  I look forward to when we are married.  I look forward to being a dad to her kids who had theirs taken from them.

23 Sept 2015 (277 days after The Day)

It is weird for me to think that Claire is 9 months old.  Time really is no respecter of persons.  Work proved to be helpful in it was so busy.  New projects help to move time along.  Claire makes me laugh when I see her.  She really is a daddy's girl.  I love the fact that she can be in a very bad mood or very tired but when she sees me she wants me to hold her and she smiles.  That brings a lot of comfort.  She also enjoys her baths.  She just loves to splash.  My mom sent me this video below of Claire just playing.  She is such a sweet little girl.

22 Sept 2015 (276 days after The Day)

Today was filled with the normalcy of the day... dropping off Ammon at school... going to work... coming home for lunch... going back to work... There was nothing earth-shattering that occurred at work.  I left work and went home and got the kids in the car.  We went to the soccer game.  It was an evenly matched game.  There was one key difference.  We passed the ball and they did not.  The score was 3:0 and Madilyn scored her very first goal ever.  I was so very pleased with her drive and determination as she played.  She was tired... she was huffing and puffing... and she pressed forward.  We didn't have a practice between the games either so that was very interesting to see how it all worked out.

My kids did more FaceTime with Samantha's kids last night.  With our schedules being so crazy technology has enabled us to interact regardless of our running around.  They enjoyed that time.  I also had a good chat with Emma.  She is maturing into a young woman and it is tough for me to see my little girl who I still see as a 2 yrs old.... running around and so busy with life.  Time moves fast and it is moments like this I wish Jan were here to experience.    

21 Sept 2015 (275 days after The Day)

Monday came with anticipation of a chiropractor visit as well as an eye exam.  The chiropractor visit was full of cracking and popping and the doc said "that was great" while I was saying "ouch".  At work there was more of the same type of work stuff.... meetings.... projects.... all good stuff and all somewhat busy.  There was a server change at one location that took down about 14 smaller machines.  It was difficult to identify at the time what the change was but we finally got all 14 up and running. 

I took Madilyn to the eye exam and she does not need glasses...For me... I do.  I got the new perscription and started looking at their frames... I was disappointed.  I just took the perscription and will go to another store for frames.  Kinda a bummer that the selection was so poor.

I received a notice that group therapy would be Tuesday night... I also got a message that Madilyn had a soccer game at the same time.  After talking with the kids everyone wanted to go to the soccer game.  That makes me wonder where we are in healing for our little family.

20 Sept 2015 (274 days after The Day)

So Sunday was a typical day.  We went to church and came home.  My mom had cooked a nice dinner and it was good to sit as a family.   As we ate I reflected on the fact that one of Jan's friends who left before she died moved back into the area.  I realized that she probably doesn't know.... maybe she does.  Who knows... anyway... it was a moment of ... "Oh no... I have to relive this again??" as I thought that she may come up and strike up a conversation.  She did not but it is still a hard subject to dive into when Jan's phone rings and there is some long-lost person Jan knew trying to reconnect.  It just is like a face slap back to 20 December 2014. 

All of my kids did more FaceTime with Samantha's kids.  It is good they have a good relationship since we will all be together in the future.  In a real way - now that the decision has been made ... both Samantha and I just want to hurry up and get married.  Yes there is a lot to do... blending families is not for the faint of heart.  There will be future trials and things to prepare for.  We will need a home that we can all fit into.  Seven kids.... wow.  There will be a lot of adjustment on both sides but it is a challenge Samantha and I are looking forward to.

19 Sept 2015 (273 days after The Day)

So Emma went to the second part of this church activity.  She had a really fun time.  She came back saying that one girl her age who said the opening prayer looked exactly like Jan.  Then she saw another person in the crowd that looked like Jan.  Then when she was talking with her friends she glanced over her shoulder and actually saw Jan.  Like a glow around her and everything.  Someone walked in front of where she was and then she was gone.  It was one of those... did I really just see that??  She came back feeling very happy and excited about those experiences.  I was happy for her.  I also had something stirring inside I could not identify.  We ate dinner.  My mom asked if something was wrong... that I looked like I was going down hill.  I just said I was tired.  We ate dinner and I felt worse and worse.  I got the kids doing their dinner-chores and told my mom that I needed to run an errand. 

I realized what I was feeling.  Grief and mourning.  I was happy that Emma had those experiences.  I believe she saw what she saw.  I was comforted that Jan is still playing an active part in her life.... and I miss her terribly.  I went by Jan's grave and just wept.  I had not done that in some time.  It was a good moment.  I suppose these experiences Emma had just brought up the same feelings of loneliness and abandonment I felt when she left.  I know Jan is still with our family.  And while I know this I am still pained at her departure.

18 Sept 2015 (272 days after The Day)

Well - it is Friday.  Everyday seems to be a blizzard of activity.  I suppose it is better to be extremely busy than idle.  I did something at work I have not done in a long while.  I developed a prototype website for our local controllers.  If it proves helpful I will turn it over to development to re-write to production.  It is a silly thing but I don't do a gob of development these days so when I do I find lots of enjoyment.  The day flew by.

This evening I spent with the Madilyn, Ammon, and Claire on FaceTime with Samantha.  Everyone had a blast... their kids talking to mine and good relationships being built.  Emma was at a church activity until late.

17 Sept 2015 (271 days after The Day)

Today is another busy day.  Emma to seminary at 5:30, physical therapy at 7:30, a day-long meeting at work, and then off to a soccer game with Madilyn at 6.  I do enjoy being busy and sometimes I just forget about everything that is going on.  I forget about Jan, Samantha, and my own needs.  I just get busy and forget.

The day was as busy as I expected.  I came home to say hi and then Madilyn and I left to go to the soccer game.  She is getting better and better and I was pleased to see her ownership of the ball.  Jan would be proud too... she would scream and yell and cheer on the team.  I miss that.  Madilyn's team tied last night.  It was a very good game.

16 Sept 2015 (270 days after The Day)

Well - I awoke refreshed at 5am.  That was a first in a long time.  I also slept.  As I sit in the car waiting for Emma I am looking at my schedule.  7:15 is my chiropractor appointment.  I was disappointed that my neck is still in pain and my arm is still experiencing issues.  I'm interested to see what happens today.
I went to the chiropractor and got another dose of moving my body in ways that are not natural resulting in a slew of breaking bones sounds.  I still have issues but they really do seem to be growing less and less.

I have an action-packed day today.  Lots of work at work and then I flew home - ate some dinner and then off to do missionary work at church.  It was good to visit with some of the members of church.  I had not seen them in a long while.  I returned exhausted from the day.  A friend of mine is having issues with his spare tire so he came by about 10pm to pick up mine.  Once that was done I cleaned up for bed and I was out.

I find that daily I think on Jan.  At times I swear she is right next to me.  I miss our conversations.

15 Sept 2015 (269 days after The Day)

Well - I slept once again with a heat pack on my neck.  Morning is early these days with Emma in seminary so my alarm went off at 5am and I apparently turned it off and didn't realize it.  Emma came in at 5:25 and woke me up.  I rolled out of bed nauseated with a lack of sleep.  After seminary I came back home and slept for another hour.  When I took Ammon to school he was sad.  This transition to a new school has been very tough on him.  He was close to tears when I dropped him off.  It just breaks my heart.  I headed to work which started with a meeting at 9 and another at 10 which didn't end until 12.  I came home for lunch and realized Madilyn has soccer practice at 6 and I would not be able to take her.  I texted a friend to see if she could pick up and drop her off to practice.  She responded that she could.  Phew.  I headed back to work for a few hours before taking Emma to therapy.  Then I flew to the chiropractor for my "first adjustment".  I don't know if it is this chiropractor or all chiropractors but my exposure seems that they are battling an uphill battle trying to convince others of the need for chiropractic care.  They wanted me to watch a couple of videos before the treatment.  Having a business degree I am always analyzing why someone is saying or doing something in any promotional video.  I enjoyed the analysis in my marketing classes in college where we would pick apart a commercial to see what messages were sent to the audience and what audience was intended for the ad.  With that as a background my mind was spinning on why I was asked to watch a video on chiropractic care when all I wanted was relief from the pain in my back.  I was finally taken to a back room where I was shown my x-rays and explained how stuff was a little off.  I really could care less... I just wanted some kind of relief.  They had me on a table and cracked my back like it was being run over by a car.  I seriously felt a gob of pain.  Then he cracked my neck.  I felt relief after a while on my back and then when my neck was done I felt a wave of nausea.  Like the moment before you lose it when you are sick... yes - it took me to that spot.  The pain I had previously had dissipated.  I was encouraged.  He said he wanted to see me three more times this week.  Well - my schedule doesn't allow for much impromptu meetings outside of work so I have one set for tomorrow morning and the rest for next week.  I finally got home still nauseated from the adjustment.  Madilyn was just being dropped off.  After walking in and setting down my bag Madilyn said "OH NO!  Dad!  I need to go back to the practice field.  I left my bag and ball!"  Wonderful.  So I got back in the car and drove her to get her stuff.  By the time I got back I really was just flat exhausted.  It was after 8pm.  Grandma had cooked dinner and after we ate everyone did the nighttime routine and went to bed.  I read Ammon a book and got everyone settled.  I crashed with a hope of sleeping pain-free.

14 Sept 2015 (268 days after The Day)

Monday morning brings a blah feeling as I go back to work.  I have been out on vacation for about a week so being back I have a mountain of work to do.  Like most times coming back from vacation is filled with impromptu meetings with key personnel and getting up to speed. 

I have been fighting a crick in my upper-back/lower neck that has my right forearm burning.  This has been going on for a few days so I set an appointment with a chiropractor.  This is my first time ever going.  I arrived and he spent time taking x-rays of my spine and then said - "Let's schedule a time for you to come back for your first adjustment".  I was irritated because the pain I am dealing with is constant.  I set an appointment for tomorrow and we will see what happens.

13 Sept 2015 (267 days after The Day)

So today I took Samantha to my church.  For some that may not be a big deal but now that we are engaged it dealt with a portion of me that is private.  A portion that was shared and really felt natural.  The day was filled with church and kids working on home work.  Really - a lazy day but it was good to share it with Samantha.  As the kids struggle with various challenges with school work I find myself wishing Jan was around to assist in all this.  She was much better than I am when working with the kids.  She had so much patience.  I can teach principles but learning can be challenging when your main purpose is to find something that helps inspire the child to be self driven.  Today it wasn't happening and we trudged through what was small and it took hours.

12 Sept 2015 (266 days after The Day)

Today Ammon had a Tae Kwon Do test for his 1st deg purple belt.  He tested ok but I think it is safe to say he prefers to not be in front of a gob of people.  Madilyn missed a time at the skating rink a few weeks back when I had to take a trip to Houston so I took her, a friend, Ammon and Emma to the skating rink with Samantha.  This was Ammon's first time.  He really struggled but by the time we were leaving he was starting to get it down.  Madilyn had a game that evening and they played on a field that looked the same size as a football field.  Madilyn's team was winded with all the running but they won.  I was so happy for them.  The kids were excited for Samantha to join us on all of these events.

11 Sept 2015 (265 days after The Day)

We made the Facebook post today.  It is a new way of communicating when a single post on Facebook can drive communication so quickly to so many.  We took the kids bowling after school.  Ammon was wearing a necklace my sister got him that has a lock of Jan's hair sealed in it.  The locket came loose and came off during the game and we didn't realize it until about an hour after we left.  We drove back hoping and praying that it was there.  After a frantic search I found it on a neighboring lane.  I breathed a sigh of relief and took this necklace and will put it in a safe place for him.  Prior to Jan's burial I also captured locks of hair for each of the kids that are not sealed up.  I will give this to them when they are grown.  Even though my life is moving forward I am striving to keep Jan's memory close with us all.  After all - we are the product of our life experiences and Jan is one that has shaped us all.  With Samantha it is the same for her late husband, Justin.  I'm sure Justin and Jan are helping us all.   That brings a bit of comfort as we give ourselves permission to move forward.

10 Sept 2015 (264 days after The Day)

Well - since Samantha and I are engaged things are starting to settle in a bit.  In a weird way it is a bit of normal.  We took the kids to see Shaun the Sheep the movie and because we watched it at a 4:40 pm we almost had the entire theater to ourselves.  It was nice.  We started looking at dates and the complexities of joining our families. 

09 Sept 2015 (263 days after The Day)

Well - I suppose it is fitting for me to start by saying that since I have started blogging - there is a portion of me that I share... and a portion that I don't.  As life changes occur I think on the long-term effect these changes will have and based on that I choose whether or not to share.  So - I think it is fitting to share some that I haven't to bring you up to speed.  When I was in a very dark time in my life my counselor recommended a Facebook group specifically for widow/widowers.  This was just a few months after Jan died.  I found comfort there.  It was a bit of solace in a life that was absent of it.  I began to look forward to just chatting with fellow widowers and widows of their pains and how they were progressing through healing.  On May 13th I made a comment to a post of a widow - Samantha. It was in a real way a chapter of my life and the complexity and hardships that come from the loss of our spouses.  Through this exposure we found that we both went to the same high school and had many of the same connections yet never met.  We continued to communicate and a friendship was formed.  While we had separate lives it brought a bit of comfort to me during an otherwise turbulent time in my life.  After a while we both realized something may be there between us.  There is a funny thing about age and experience.  For me - I just had been through the ringer with my emotions and I wanted to know if something was there or not.  If so - great.  If not - great.  I just wanted to get clear.  I went on a date.  THAT was an experience I thought I would not have again in my life.  We connected.  We went out on several more dates and I realized that I really enjoyed being around her.  She is an awesome mom and very kind to her kids.  Over the months we have grown close and today I proposed.  She accepted.  The comfort that has come from this is really overwhelming.  Both of our lives have been filled with dark times.  Both of us have struggled with isolation that comes from losing a spouse and being thrust into the life of being a single parent.

My sister-in-law, Michelle, died of cancer in 2006 and her husband, Scott, married a widow (Kim) after Michelle's passing.  Their situation was very similar except for one detail.  I have 4 kids and Samantha has 3.  Scott has 6 kids and Kim has 5.  I feel fortunate to have them to inquire and ask questions.  Blending families is a serious business and for me I want to ensure it is successful.  The future is bright and also has some complexities.  I'm sure it will work out... for me the comfort comes in knowing I am no longer going to be alone.

In talking with my kids and family over the past weeks there was always a potential that something could develop between me and Samantha and they knew marriage was a possibility.  I felt torn on this event in my life.  I never wished for this.  I only wished to be with Jan yet Samantha was in a very similar boat.  Who chooses the life of a widow/widower?  You get thrust into that role and have to figure things out.  I had reservations in telling my brother-in-law, Tom.  In my life I seem to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  His words to me were so kind that I just wept.  I just wasn't expecting so much love and support from the brother of my wife.  I wasn't expecting it because in a way I feel like I am betraying Jan.  It is hard for me to see what this must look like from another prospective but at the same time I feel Jan has had a direct influence in helping me find someone who can step in in Jan's absence.  Kids continue to grow up and I have taken comfort that Samantha will be able to be there physically for the kids since Jan cannot. 

So - something for the blog... I am engaged.

08 Sept 2015 (262 days after The Day)

Ok - I have done what most people do now that the internet is so very common.  I have searched online for a diagnosis for why Claire is acting the way she is.  So in my most humble non-medical opinion - she has separation anxiety.  I understand this can manifest itself before the age of one and last until four.  Yay!  So - I am doing all I can to help re-introduce grandma.  Since grandma was out of the house for a few days it is like Claire is learning how to trust her all over again.  I know it hurts to see a baby all of a sudden not want to be with you.  Claire's stranger-danger meter is off the charts.  Just being in a room of strangers and she will stick to me like glue.  Someone looks at her and she will cry.  I worry about the brain injury she sustained at birth and immediately that is where my mind goes when I see something abnormal.  I just try to keep that in check.  Sure - it may be the reason or it may not.  With medical issues it seems those affected become just as learned as the doctors themselves as they seek to understand and learn more and more of the condition that they have learned to cope with.  For Claire we are on a countdown to 3 yrs.  The neurologist has stated that by the age of three we will see any changes that should manifest themselves because of the brain injury.  Claire is scheduled for a MRI in a couple of months where we will see just how her little brain is doing.  I am hopeful for positive news.  The brain is an amazing organ.  It can reprogram and re-purpose different parts with others go bad.  I'm keeping positive.  

07 Sept 2015 (261 days after The Day)

So a trip back to Arlington which normally took 4 hours took 6 because of holiday traffic and stopping to feed Claire.  We normally stop at Buc-ees and for those who know about this place - you can appreciate when I say I was happy to drive on by when I saw how busy it was.  Buc-ees is an ingenious store located in the middle between Houston and DFW.  They have gasoline, gobs of clean restrooms, and good food.  We normally stop there before heading on but it has become very popular with the masses and as such it seems any and all travelers on the road stop there.  The density of the people packed in there is likened to black Friday at Wal-mart. 

So we all arrived back at my home worn out.  Claire screamed for the last few hours and Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon were exhausted trying to entertain her.  You would think she would be super tired and ready to sleep.  I held her and she stopped fussing - then decided she wanted to play.  I fed her some milk and then walked and walked with her until finally she went to sleep.  It is times like this the partnership that exists with a spouse is highlighted so clearly. 

Tomorrow represents another day back into the routine.  The day starts early again at 5:30 for Emma in seminary. 

06 Sept 2015 (260 days after The Day)

So - during this vacation I have had the opportunity to spend time with this woman I mentioned earlier.  We went to meet her family and spent time with them.  It was good.  I had all of my kids with me and well.... that can be daunting.  It was a good visit and her family was sweet with my kids.  Claire has major stranger-danger going on and only I can hold her.  That is getting very very tough.

05 Sept 2015 (259 days after The Day)

Well - today I went swimming with my kids.  It was good to watch movies and spend time with them.  They also spent time with their cousins and all were fighting and having fun.  I say fighting because generally there will be some kind of argument when all our kids get together - I consider this normal.  Once everyone got settled the disagreements seemed to lessen and it was good catching up with everyone. 

04 Sept 2015 (258 days after The Day)

So today was a vacation day for me.  I spent some much needed time with the kids and have grown closer with them.  We had the opportunity to spend time with family and for the first time in a very very long time I was really happy the entire day.  Everything seemed to be in place.  It was really nice.

03 Sept 2015 (257 days after The Day)

I did something that hasn't been done since Jan left.... I cleaned the house.  Not just picking up - I'm talking full bore, take the gloves off... and get down to business.  At the end of the day everyone was exhausted but as I walked through the house there was one feeling I had not felt in a while.  Peace.

This journey of grief has been so difficult .... mainly because I find that I act like a 5 yr old who is looking at medicine they don't want to take.  It is a bitter cup.  I stared at this cup and said no.  I stared with the desire to somehow avoid partaking of it.  I've tasted some nasty flavors of medicine in my life but grief takes the cake.  Once I buckled up and partook I felt my life crumble.  Like death was swallowing me up.  I wished for it to just take me.  It is interesting though - this drink did one amazing thing.  I was humbled.  Through humility I learned much about myself and Jan.  I learned what I am capable of and that I am not alone.  So many people have gone through this.  I also learned that God has been there in my darkest hours.  I still weep when tender memories return.  I suppose I will do this the rest of my days.

I know Jan wants me to be happy and desires that I am not alone, just as I would desire Jan to have support and not be alone.  That Emma, Madilyn, Ammon, and Claire can have a mother-figure to talk with.  That I can have support at home and at work.  I made the decision to open that door.  To not be alone anymore.  It was just as difficult to receive support during my grieving as it was to open the door I thought would be shut the rest of my days.  So - a strange thing happened.  Once that door was opened I found another widow who also was struggling.  Here is the weird thing - her family has direct ties to Jan's.  It was as if Jan was helping me with something I didn't really want.  I suppose I am just stubborn... I realize that Jan is still watching out for me and because she can't be there physically has helped me find someone who could stand in her place ... a steward of sorts.  Love is an interesting thing.  When Jan gave birth to Emma - I thought - I can never love anyone else more than this little girl... then I had Madilyn and the initial thought was challenged... As our family has grown I have learned that love has no bounds.  Love heals.  Love sustains and supports.  Love endures.  With this I welcome this new woman into my life.  She has 3 kids... even more love to go around.  For the first time in a very long time - the future looks bright. 

02 Sept 2015 (256 days after The Day)

Today I bagged up 4 bags of Jan's clothes that we are not using for quilts and took them to the good will.  It was good to drop them off... and hard at the same time.  That represents all of her clothing.  I have lost a lot of my sense of smell so I am unable to smell if any of her old clothes still smell like she did... Simple things like that are an irritant to me.  I'll get over it.. just wish sometimes I could bottle up and store some of these intangible things in life.

01 Sept 2015 (255 days after The Day)

Today I had physical therapy in the early morning.  My torn meniscus is proving to be a tough recovery.  After an hour of pain it was finally over.  Ice was welcomed.  I hobbled to work and it seemed to fly by.  I took Madilyn to soccer that evening and unfortunately I put the wrong size (or they sized it incorrectly) for the jersey.  One more thing to deal with.  It is ok.  I'm working through things one day at a time.

I received a heart-felt letter from Jan's parents today.  It was good to hear from them and to reconnect.  They live over 1K miles away so needless to say we don't see each other much.

I took the time with the kids to separate Jan's clothing into bags for each to have.  My intention is to get quilts made for each of them.  That was a very very very tough activity to perform for everyone but it was good to get it done.  Now on to cleaning my room for the first time since Jan's departure.

31 Aug 2015 (254 days after The Day)

Monday has come too soon.  I had to take Ammon to get some shots and have some blood work done.  It was the first time that he was really aware that this was going on.  Jan in the past would take him and get his shots.  The school administrator previously asked me if he was up to speed on his shots... I thought... I don't know if he has ever had any.  Seriously.  That is how removed I am.  So I got with his doctor and saw the huge listing of shots he had received throughout his life.  I was both relieved and saddened.  I was relieved that Ammon didn't need but just two more shots.  I also was saddened as to how removed I had been from our children's care.  I feel the same with Emma and Madilyn.  Obviously with Claire I am up to speed but it was tough.  Another tough requirement of this school Ammon is in is they require pre-diabetes testing and this requires blood work.  Ammon and I have deep veins.  This means the phlebotomist needs to know their stuff.  With Ammon it took two people to draw his blood and I was holding Ammon's face so he wouldn't watch..  That made me queasy the rest of the day.  He was a trooper.  I'm glad the day is over.