27 November 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 8 days after The Day)

So today I came across a tool to find duplicate files.  This has to do with the hard drive crashing moment that I dealt with earlier.  Anyway - I went ahead and searched a removable hard drive for duplicates.  This process takes a while since the program looks at the file structure and not just the name.  This enables it to find 100% matches regardless of the name of the file.  Anyway - I kicked it off in the beginning of the day and ignored it.  By the time the day ended I recalled that I did this and took a look at the findings.  I took a trip down memory lane with the pictures it found.  I had forgotten about many of them.  It seems like it was from another life.

Claire has been very loving to me.  Perhaps I am just realizing this but she gives hugs willingly and is so very kind.  Don't get me wrong... there are times she is a handful but lately I have just realized how loving and kind she is.  I appreciate that.

Samantha's mom and dad found a set of markers that Ammon left in their pickup truck that he had been searching for.  I went by and picked them up.  He is going to be so happy.  I know it sounds silly but I love having a surprise for the kids that they genuinely like.  So - he will see them in the morning when he wakes up.

I went to the gym tonight with Madilyn.  It seems the holidays has packed a few pounds back on and  I am discouraged.  I hit the cycle and weights and perhaps that will make up for the pizza tonight.  Bahahahahaha.

Until tomorrow -  

26 November 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 7 days after The Day)

So I have really struggled these last few days.  I haven't written on this blog mainly because I have been dealing with anger.  I am frustrated that Jan died and the kids are having to figure things out.  I realize that is something I can't do anything about so I am striving to turn my focus to what I can do.  I want to be a positive influence in their lives but it is a challenge when I have grown to dislike the holidays.  Both Samantha and I are rooting for January 1st.

The break from work was much needed.  I got a chance to just hangout at the house.  From time to time I write in another journal (not online) and after a failed hard drive I was moving and organizing files as needed.  I came across one entry where I was venting of some of the challenges I was juggling.  I still find I juggle the same challenges but as time has gone on I have learned how to work with those challenges.  Life is not always lollypops and rainbows... sometimes you just have to accept life is what it is and move forward.

Samantha gave Claire a haircut today.  She cut 4 inches and Claire's hair is still super long.  I think she was just blessed with hair that grows fast.

 

20 November 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 1 day after The Day)

I took the day off of work.  It was good to get things done in the house.  I finished preparing the food for the smoker.  So far it is three turkeys and two small pork shoulders.  I spent some time with Claire today taking her to school and picking her up.  It was so cute.  She was wearing a little pilgrim's hat made of construction paper when school let out.  She loved that thing and was so cute wearing it.  I was able to spend some time with the kids when they got home from school as well.   That was good.

So - every day I prepare to do a brain dump of all I did for the day.  I will do and go and experience things and say "oh yeah.. I need to write about that" but then I get here in the evening and forget.  :-(

Samantha and I were in Provo today and there is a Czech bakery called Hruskas.  It is a taste of home.  When I walk in there it smells like my grandmother's kitchen. We picked up a couple of kolaches.  I think I'm eating more carbs than I should but I hardly ever get to Hruskas so I gave myself a break and allowed me to savor the moment.  It was so good.

Tomorrow I am hanging out with Ammon and Claire as the older kids take a trip up to Bountiful UT. I am looking forward to just some time with them.  They are good kids.

19 November 2018 (3 years, 11 months after The Day)

I find myself being selective on what I write about with this blog.  It is so easy to vent about certain things but I feel that would take this blog in a very different direction.  So - instead I am choosing to find noteworthy things to write about.

I feel stretched thin at times.  I suppose that is because life isn't just a breeze but requires grit and determination.  All the kids have a gob of different challenges and as a parent I just want to solve them all.  I know that isn't possible or recommended since they all learn through their problems but as a parent I want their pains to be lessened.

I am going to start preparing the food for the smoker tomorrow.   Thanksgiving is going to be a bit of cooking on my part.  I enjoy it.

18 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 30 days after The Day)

So my neighbor brought over a pork butt late Friday night so I ended up throwing that on the smoker as well.  Everyone said their food was good so I was happy about that.  The turkey I ended up removing the backbone and cooking it flat.  It decreased the cooking time from 30 min/lb to 11 min/lb.  I was very surprised.  So - round two starting on Thursday morning.

Today was a regular church day.  I think it went alright.  We talked about how God wants us to make good choices and that if we screw up he is there to help us get back on our feet.  This is a pathetic summary statement but suffice it to say there was a lot of good discussion.  I think sometimes it is easy to believe you are on your own.

As a family we played charades after dinner.  It was fun.  This was Claire's first time playing and she just told people what she was acting like or doing.  It was really cute.  It is amazing how kids just make you genuinely smile.  I got her ready for bed, put her in bed, tucked her in, said prayers, and then she looked at me and said "I wuv you daddy" and then rolled over and closed her eyes.  She melts my heart.

I'm off most of next week but I do work tomorrow so It will be good to get things wrapped up for the holidays for me.  It will be a busy day but it will be good to be done.

I'm off to bed - until later.    

16 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 28 days after The Day)

During the day I kept hearing the sound of a chainsaw.  This was on and off all day long.  Towards the evening Claire came into my office and pulled me outside to show how a limb had fallen into our yard.  I spoke with our neighbor and understood he was cleaning up a lot of trees on his property.  Through this discussion I found out that my neighbor (Layne Atwood) passed away.  This apparently happened last Tuesday when I was out of town.  I feel horrible that I wasn't here to support his wife.  I wanted to go by to offer my condolences but it was getting dark and the lights were out on their home.  I am just shocked since I saw him the Sunday before I left for Arlington.  Death really shakes me up since I can appreciate being the one left trying to figure things out.

I'm cooking for a number of my neighbors tonight/tomorrow and again on Wed/Thurs.  It will be interesting as it is supposed to snow tonight.  yay.  Last time I cooked the temps outside were cool enough that the gap on my smoker allowed a breeze to flow in making the temps lower.  I need a welding blanket or something to drape over my smoker so the temp will be constant.

Well - I'm off to prepare the meat.

Round 1:  25 lb turkey, 6 lb brisket, and 1 turkey roast.

Round 2: 3 or 4 smaller turkeys and some pulled pork (maybe a brisket if I can get one)









 

15 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 27 days after The Day)

Today Samantha drove North to visit her mother-in-law and I was at home alone since the kids were at school.  It is always odd when I am home alone.  Since Penny (the dog) is gone is is really quiet.  Penny would always visit me in my office and sleep there while I worked.  Now it is just quiet.

Speaking of Penny - we picked up her ashes from the vet today.  I am always frustrated with vets and funeral homes that take advantage of those who have lost a loved one.  They make you feel cheap if you don't get buy the expensive thing... So - we brought home a cedar box with her ashes and the cedar box is cheap.  It is frustrating since we spent a chunk of $ on it.

I laugh at Claire at night.  We put her in bed and either she is a little upset or she will be ready to go.  When she is ready to go she will lie down and say "goodnight daddy" and that is that.  I swear she is a gift from heaven.  She is finally (fingers crossed) potty trained.  So happy day.  Now we are working on getting her through the night without a diaper.  One day at a time.  But - on a positive note she is not a climber so she is not trying to get out of her bed.

Well - until tomorrow -

14 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 26 days after The Day)

So far we have 4 kids driving and one is married.  Keeping up with the kids in the house and their schedules is nuts.  Seriously.  They are all going and coming at different times.  I strive to have dinner together but lately it has been very difficult since they are all going different directions and at different times.  Today after work Samantha was making dinner for the kids since they were eating early to go to various activities.  After they went every which way she and I ate and I got Claire in the shower.  After she got cleaned up and ready for bed I found myself listening to David Attenborough as we watched a nature documentary on Netflix.

I vented a bit today at the frustration of the passing of both Jan and Justin.  I still have frustration and anger.  I feel it makes me look like I don't love and appreciate Samantha.

I both love and detest electronic screens.  It seems we are always looking at them.  

12 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 24 days after The Day)

So I think I realized why I was feeling angry yesterday.  It had to do with today.  Today was my 18th wedding anniversary with Jan.  So - Happy Anniversary Jan!  It is weird to be moving forward in a completely different life.  I think my anger had to do with the fact that I think the kids have been robbed of not having their Mom.  Justin (Samantha's late husband) also left early in life robbing his kids of a father.  Both Samantha and I are stand-ins for each other's kids.  We do our best but this is a tough road at times.  I never thought I would be step-parent.  Oh well.  I'm glad I can be there for them.

Well - I went to the gym tonight and can barely move my arms.  It seems the best reminder these days is age.  It helps remind us that we are no longer 20 even though we think we can still do the same things!

Being honest - I could use a piece of cake but I am too sore to get to the kitchen.

 

11 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 23 days after The Day)

Today was a normal church day.  I got a chance to sing a bit with all the men in a impromptu song which was actually nice.  We came home after church and I got a chance to spend some one-on-one time driving around with Samantha.  It was good.  I then came back to the house and slept for a while.  Claire has been super cranky lately.  It seems the "terrible 2s" has moved to 3s for her.  She is so incredibly headstrong.  She wants to do things her way ALL THE TIME.  It is funny and extremely frustrating at times.  She is also fighting a cold so I wonder how much of the crankiness is from this phase in her life vs. her being sick.  We took her to the doctor and have her on some meds but man... she is one bear when she doesn't get her way.  

I am battling anger tonight.  No idea what triggered it.  I just have a lot of frustration and nothing really to point at as a source.  :-|

Well - perhaps I can sleep it off.  Until tomorrow.

10 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 22 days after The Day)

Today I helped clean the church.  Sometimes there are others that help and today was one of those days.  The cleaning went quick.  When I came home I watched a movie with Samantha - Deepwater Horizon.  That is the story of the explosion that occurred due to cost-cutting measures.  I thought it was a good movie and did a fair job at showing the importance of doing what is right when the acquisition of money is driving many decisions.

This evening I took Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon to see Stephen Beus perform.  He is a neighbor and friend of ours and is one of the best pianists I have ever heard.  If you ever get the chance to hear him - it will be worth your time.  Feel free to youtube his name and listen to some of his work.  It is amazing.

Tonight I am struggling with helping my kids to overcome challenges they don't even realize they have.  Samantha suggested I say things directly to them but it is difficult for me since they remind me so much of Jan.  I wouldn't use that method to talk to Jan and yet - I believe it may be the only way with my kids.  :-|

Well - I'm tired and mentally drained.  Until tomorrow.

9 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 21 days after The Day)

I traveled back to Utah today.  It was busy at the airport (duh ... it is Friday) and the train was absolutely packed.  There were tons of people who were standing.  I felt bad because my luggage was taking up room for people to stand.

I went to a play that Alex was in and then picked up Madilyn from a friends home.  By the time I got home I was super tired.  I was able to visit with all the kids except Claire.  I'm running on fumes at this point so I am going to bed.  It is good to be home even though it is not in Texas... it is home.

Tomorrow will be busy!

8 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 20 days after The Day)

So today was a super productive day.  We met with a vendor and accomplished a lot.  I seem to be juggling a ton at work so anytime I feel like I tackle a few subjects it brings me joy.

I stopped by and visited with Jan yesterday evening.  With daylight savings and winter upon us it was super dark at 6:30.  I had to use the light from my phone to be able to walk.  Before Jan died I thought cemeteries were spooky but now I think they are very peaceful.  The night was cool and crisp.  So - I had a chat and after the visit I went back to the hotel to eat.  I thought I would eat there while I visited Jan but it was so dark I really couldn't see anything.  So - I went back to the hotel.  When I visit Jan I feel bad leaving but I remind myself that she is with me at times and that helps me not have bad feelings for leaving the cemetery.

7 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 19 days after The Day)

So, today I got to eat lunch with a good friend.  It was good catching up.  I have often thought of how friends help to share burdens so you don't feel overwhelmed.  Both Jan and Samantha do this as well but it is nice to have friends that understand where you come from.  

I sometimes think about things so deeply that my chain of thought takes me to entirely different problems.  Maybe that is normal.  I enjoy pondering things.  I wonder if Jan sees me now and what she thinks of things.  I wonder if there are things that happen in life that are a result of her.  I wonder if it will feel "normal" to see Jan again after years of separation.

Is it only me or do you find yourself watching a movie and being so distracted at the actor because they look familiar but you cannot place where you have seen them?  For me I am so distracted that I cannot really focus on the movie until I place where I have seen the actor.  That happens to me a lot.

Tonight I am rambling on about nothing- so - I am going to bed.  Until later.

.  

6 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 18 days after The Day)

Meetings meetings meetings.  That is a summary of the day.  Claire has been cranky and Samantha has injured her foot.  On the positive side - the garage is fixed.  :-)

After taking that test I wrote about yesterday, I am looking at others determining what their talents are.  I know we all have some so it is fun to look at people to see what they do naturally well.

Voting is today.  There is a lot of TV coverage.  I hope and pray we can get the divided nation to come back together.

I'm tired - I'm off to bed.

5 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 17 days after The Day)

Today was a long day.  I took the train into town and it was a day that the police were there checking tickets.  The SLC police are so very kind.  When I rode the train in Houston the police would rush the train and it was very intimidating.

I read a book that stated that if you could focus on what your natural talents are that you will be very effective in your job/life.  The reference was regarding Rudy Ruettiger vs. Joe Montana.  Rudy (the star of the movie "Rudy") didn't have athletic talent but he had a tenacious (never-say-die) drive to play for Notre Dame.  He worked tirelessly.  He applied to Notre Dame multiple times and finally got accepted.  He tried out for the football team and was too small to play but he helped the team practice.  After 4 years he was able to play on the last play of the game of his senior year.  While the movie highlighted his severe determination and drive to accomplish his dream despite the fact that everyone was against him - the author of this book highlighted the fact that Joe Montana also played for Notre Dame and how different the outcome is when you partner Rudy's drive with natural talent.  That being said they have an online test to help identify your talents so you know where to focus your energies.  I took the test.  No surprises for me for what it said are my talents.  Now - on to focus on them to be my best.  I think this approach makes sense.  I'm excited to see the results.

4 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 16 days after The Day)

Today was a church day.  It was the normal routine of getting everyone to church early to claim a bench big enough for everyone.  Church overall was good.  We talked a bit about holding grudges and I reflected on my dad.  I suppose everyone later in life reflects on things about their parents.  For me and my dad we had a splintered relationship.  He said and did things early in my life that for me really broke our relationship.  I wanted him to be different than he was and it took me a long time to realize that the only change I would ever see was going to be myself changing by not expecting him to be different.  He died a few months before Jan and we never really reconciled.  I learned a lot from my dad and I count him as a core contributor to me being who I am today.  My dad's negative traits I recognized as something I didn't want in my life and that really helped me be a different person.  I realized that forgiveness is something that is important for the person offended because holding onto that pain can be debilitating as the years go by.  I also realized that I probably have offended many over the years and am completely oblivious to it.  I know it is a pointless effort to live your life in a way where you are constantly afraid of offending people.  In this day and age it seems that everyone is offended about everything.  I'm sure people reading this blog have been offended by something I have said.  If so - I am sorry.  I may be ignorant of the offense but I am not ignorant of the fact that I am human and make mistakes.  Anyway - the point is the lesson today helped me with a lot of self-reflection time to think on ways I have held grudges and what I can do to be free of them.

So - I played a "would you rather" game with Ammon and Alex this afternoon.  It was really hilarious to see their thoughts on different weird scenarios.  

3 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 15 days after The Day)

10,800 steps by 3:20pm today.  I'm tired.  I struggle getting the kids to work and own their work.  I find it easier to just do the task myself than to go through the painful process of getting them to help.  It is a disservice to me and them.  I know. 

Claire has very cute phrases.  She crawled up on the bed after I collapsed from my 1st round of cleaning and said "Dad - you play me" she then put her stuffed animal dog in my hand.  By the time she did this I was already in bed covered up.  She then persisted in me playing with the dog while she responded to me moving the dog around.  She can be a bit bossy.  It is funny (now).  She is very determined and headstrong.  I'm sure it is a bit of both Jan and me so it will be interesting to see how she grows up.  She and Emma are a lot alike.

Emma Jane drove down from Logan and is spending the day with Samantha.  It is good that she is here.  I enjoy her company.  Her husband, Spencer, is still up in Logan.

Samantha and I are trying different types of food from time to time.  We have tried a number of Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Indian, and Vietnamese restaurants.  So far they are all good.  I am trying to branch out.  When I was a kid Jan introduced me to Chinese food.  I refused to really eat anything that was different.  I'm a big chicken.  Anyway - over the years I have gotten a bit more adventurous when it comes to trying new foods.  It may be #MarkWeins rubbing off on me.  hahahaha
 
 Yesterday I heard the most horrific sound come from the garage.  A huge bang accompanying by a repetitive banging.  Any guesses?  The spring for the garage.  It is done - snapped in half.  It nearly broke the garage door opener as the motor was pulling the belt over each tooth on the gear making a repetitive banging as it tried to lift the garage door.  I called the service company and they will be out on Tuesday.

-until later

2 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 14 days after The Day)

Well- it is now the countdown to Christmas.  Right?  Well - at least it feels this way to me.  Oh ... and also voting.  I know there are various political stances out there and this isn't meant to be poking at any party but holy crap!  I mean - let's just all focus on things we disagree on!  wow!  I have learned one thing in having a conversation with someone I don't get along with is it is much easier if you talk about things you do have in common.  Having each party vilify each other is getting old.  It is on ALL news channels.  The sad thing is there seems to be so much polarization on the subject that taking a stand on something you believe in will likely result in a public flogging.  I have told my children to stand for what is right.  I know that is open to interpretation just like political slogans are open to interpretation as well (i.e. "change we can believe in"  or "make America great again").  I suppose the point of the rambling is that voting is upon us.  I count that as a sacred duty for us all to do.

I went to the gym tonight with Madilyn.  We walked the track for a little over a mile and then hit the weights a bit.  It was good talking with her.  I feel that many of the kids just get lost in the shuffle of activity and I was thankful to have a moment to talk with her.  She has such goodness in her.  She reminds me of my mom.  My mom and Madilyn both serve people.  That is just a God given talent.

Claire is (fingers crossed) officially potty trained.  She gave into bribery of candy and I think we have enough progress on that point that we are good without the candy which is exciting.  She really is the sweetest little girl.  "I yuv you dad" is a common phrase.  She really has my heart.

Samantha and I have been watching Mark Weins on YouTube.  I don't know if you have ever heard of him but he travels the globe eating local food and giving commentary.  We really enjoy watching him.  I think it is because of his kind heart and the fact that he really enjoys a lot of weird food and he is fun to watch.

Well- on that note - I'm stepping away to watch Mark Weins.

   

1 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 13 days after The Day)

Candy.

Anyone want candy?  My kids brought home candy that should be measured by weight... not amount.  It is nuts.  This reminds me of this silly answer to a math question -

I was absolutely exhausted last night.  I think it is just the holidays.  I am not a fan.  The kids have a thousand things to do towards the end of the year and at times I feel like a dementor from the Harry Potter series is just sucking the energy from my soul.

I awoke today feeling tired.  I have a gob of things to do at work and as I contemplate everything that needs to be done I become a bit tired.  I generally have a plan for getting everything accomplished but lately I have had so much on my plate that I realize I need help or rather - I cannot accomplish all that I need to the same way I always have.  Therein lies the challenge.  Change is challenging by itself but add a mountain of work and responsibility and it becomes a crushing weight.  But - it is doable.  Not easy... but it is doable.

 I have wondered why I have started writing in this blog again.  As you know - there has been a large gap from daily to weekly to monthly to whenever.  I realized that typing things out for me has been helpful if nothing more than just getting a moment to do a brain dump.  Perhaps it is because of everything I have going on.  Who knows.

Here is a random thought - Since January, Samantha and I have been faithfully going to the gym and eating better.  I'm not a fan of "diets" because change from these diets are rarely permanent and people are only temporarily successful in their goal setting.  I honestly don't think people really have goals.  I think most people say "I want to be as thin as I was in high school" but don't put a date to when they want this accomplished.  For me I didn't want any drastic change because I wanted it to be long-term.  I wanted results in a year's time.  I thought I didn't stack on the weight in a month so why am I trying to lose it in a month.  So I opted to just change the way I eat and to begin to be more active.  I called my sister in December and she told me some simple things to do which helped me get on this path.  Since that time I dropped 35lbs and gained a fair amount of muscle.  This has been good but I realized that when I went on the cruise and then later came home- my gym habits evaporated.  I did go to the gym on the ship but for me going to the gym before the cruise was a daily decompression which was helpful.  I would go grudgingly but afterward feel much better.  I think that is where my blogging went - it allowed me self-reflection time while working out.  Anyway - the point is the cruise added some weight back on and that is always discouraging.  I'm going to the gym tonight and while I am not a fan of cardio - it will be my date.  :-|

Until later -