28 Nov 2015 (343 days after The Day)

Today was another relaxing day except for the fact that I was sick.  We looked at some neighborhoods where homes were for sale and then the kids all went with Samantha's mom to see a movie.  They all enjoyed that.  My kids all have come to me at different times sad about Jan.  The changes are big.  The changes are real.  They are all dealing with things in their own way.  On a fun side they all went sledding in the backyard today.  That was a fun experience for them all.  They all were smiling and having a blast.  Claire cheered them on from the window inside.  We all were laughing both inside and out.  Today was a pizza day for dinner.  I had chicken noodle soup.  I just don't feel well.

Oh... and another note - Samantha is an amazing cook.  Seriously.  Like she cooks stuff you would eat in a restaurant.  I feel very blessed.  She is not only a good cook but an amazing mom.  There is nothing she cannot do it seems.  I'm sure Jan is smiling at how good of a mom she is to the kids.  Like I said - I feel very blessed.

27 Nov 2015 (342 days after The Day)

The day after Thanksgiving - My illness is getting worse I think.  I just feel sick to my stomach and have a fever.  I am ready to be back to myself.  I just feel like sleeping.  Samantha's father picked up the kids and took them sight seeing and then to lunch.  It was a nice break for them and us.  My kids are missing Jan.  It is true.  A new home... new town... new friends... Getting acclimated is going to take a moment but we are making progress.

26 Nov 2015 (341 days after The Day)

Thanksgiving Day.  It is the first Thanksgiving without Jan and in a weird way I feel like she is still around.  I made pancakes for the kids and afterwards Samantha was busy cooking.  We went to her sister's home that afternoon and had a good time meeting the family.  Good food and activities.  We all played the pie in the face game.  It was seriously funny.  Everyone had a good time. 

25 Nov 2015 (340 days after The Day)

The day before Thanksgiving.  You could say this was a slow day at work.  That was a blessing because it enabled me to catch up on things.  Because our things will be delivered so late I am without a shirt, tie, and shoes for church.  Samantha took me to some stores shopping as we both tried to avoid the black Friday crowds.  After a few stops I emerged with what I needed. 

I've been battling a cold since I got here and that doesn't help me get acclimated.  It is supposed to snow later in the week.  The kids are excited.  We have a busy day tomorrow and a welcomed break from work.

24 Nov 2015 (339 days after The Day)

The days at work seem to fly by as I find myself in one meeting after another.  After a day filled with meetings I had another meeting with a Montessori school local to the town which I now live.  It is different.  I suppose I am trying to find what Jan had in our home and I don't think I will.  I will find parts of what we had but not everything.  I will need to learn to let go.  The last Montessori school Ammon was in was a school that Jan and I both investigated when she focused on healing and turned schooling over to someone else.  It was easy to have Ammon go there because in a way I felt Jan approved.  Now - I am blending my children with my spouses children and striving to align our beliefs on education.  It is a different approach and one that I believe we are both striving to support each other on.  It is difficult.

23 Nov 2015 (338 days after The Day)

Well - today was the first day back to work.  Telecommuting.  That was a weird concept but I was amazed at all I was able to get done.  I think that was because it was just uninterrupted time and my plate was overflowing with tasks.  Dinner was great.  We need a bigger table to fit all 9 of us.  Samantha really does have to cook for an army.  It is good being in a family again.  We are all trying to figure things out but the spirit in the home is positive.  Very positive.

22 Nov 2015 (337 days after The Day)

After a hearty breakfast we hit the road again.  A short day today - only four hours.  The scenery was beautiful.  Snow on the ground in the shaded parts and snow on the mountain tops.  We arrived exhausted.  Our minivan I think was relieved that the trip was over.  Our kids greeted us at the door and helped us get unloaded.  The dry ice kept the milk frozen the entire way.  That was the best $27 I have ever spent.  With a need to go to the store looming Samantha put together a lunch for all 9 of us.  It was the best home-cooked meal.  Perhaps because it was the first.  We ate dinner at Samantha's parents home and later retired to bed - exhausted.

21 Nov 2015 (336 days after The Day)

Another day on the road.  We made it through New Mexico and up through Colorado.  We landed in Moab, UT and ate dinner.  We stayed at a hotel and were packed.  One king bed.  One sleeper sofa.  One roll away bed.  One crib.  Claire had trouble getting to sleep... but she finally did.  All the kids travel so well.  It is such a blessing.

20 Nov 2015 (335 days after The Day)

We stayed the night in a hotel in Mansfield.  We left that morning and went by Jan's grave.  I know I am leaving Jan's body but I really feel like she is traveling with us.  A silent companion of sorts.  We stopped by Kroger to get some dry ice and was told they were out.  We stopped back by the house for the last time and packed an entire cooler of donated breast milk from the freezer.  We located a dealer of dry ice and drove out of our neighborhood for the last time.  We ended up having to purchase another cooler and splitting the dry ice amongst the two coolers.  We finally got on the road.  About 4 hours into the trip Mayflower called to say our shipment would be delayed until probably December.  It was frustrating news but really nothing I can do about it at the moment so we traveled on.  We hit Amarillo by dinner time and ate at "The Big Texan" which is famous for their challenge to eat a 5lb steak and all the side dishes within 1 hour.  There was evidence of failed attempts in the parking lot.  I kinda thought someone would be on vomit patrol in the parking lot.  Not something you really want to see when you go out to eat.  It was different from what I recall but a memory builder nonetheless.  We decided to drive on... and landed in Santa Rosa NM.  What a day.

19 Nov 2015 (334 days after The Day)

The movers arrived around 8:30.  After a tour of what went the blizzard of movement began.  I had phone conferences intermixing the coordination of the move.  I found boxes going out of the house without stickers... I got all the chaos in somewhat of an order and found myself looking at my home with less and less.  What started as a home was ending as just a house.  I was worried that leaving the house would be like leaving Jan.  In a way it was but really when the house was empty and the movers left... the house was just a house.  That was comforting.

18 Nov 2015 (333 days after The Day)

Wednesday - the day before the move.  Frantic is the word of the day.  We flew through getting everything we could think of boxed and labeled.  What a chore.  It is amazing how much stuff we have.  I took loads and loads to donate to the needy.  I believe we gave away at least 1/3 of all of our possessions.  I am not exaggerating.  I retired to sleep not wanting to sleep knowing there was a bit more to do.  Samantha's sister came and helped as well which was so very helpful.  Everyone knows the day is approaching.  It will be sad to see my mom leave.  I am so thankful for all of her help and love.

17 Nov 2015 (332 days after The Day)

We are almost packed.  Almost.  I spent the day getting things on order with my staff and packing my office.  There is a lot to do.  I am challenged to determine what needs to be done in person and what doesn't.  I took my staff to lunch today.  It was good to spend time together.  We went to the last day of group counseling and Samantha went with us.  It was really good to go.  There were a lot of people I didn't really know so I was a little disappointed that I said goodbye to a bunch of people I didn't really know.

I nearly finished packing the garage today.  That was a huge accomplishment.  I have a big day ahead tomorrow as it represents the last day available to do what needs to be done.  I still want to mow the lawn for the last time.  I know that is weird but for me it is healing.

I look back on my life with Jan and just wonder about the whole thing.  I was married 15 years but it seems like a dream.  It really does. 

16 Nov 2015 (331 days after The Day)

My activities seem to flow as slow as molasses.  I will officially relocate about 1200 miles north and am working like a mad man to get things in order at work.  My home is almost packed.  I have to spend some time today in the garage to get things completely packed.  I find I am just exhausted.  I talked with Samantha today about feeling like I was forgetting Jan.  I spent 15 years working to be the best husband I could be.  I want to improve as a person.  That is just who I am.  So I spend 15 years focusing on areas I know were weak when I was with Jan.  Now that I am with Samantha I feel like I am starting over working on completely different areas.  In a way I feel a little tired.  I think we all feel like we know the future to some extent.  We will do our normal routine and another day will pass.  My life was turned upside down in one day and a year ago I wouldn't have dreamed that I would be where I am today.

I found a dream list that Jan wrote.  One of the top entries was live where there were mountains.  I think it is ironic that I had no desire to leave Texas and yet I am going where there are mountains and she is staying here.  I know she is with me in spirit and that is comforting.

My girls have to finish their room today.  They have put it off for some time.  I worry that the truck will arrive and their room will still not be packed.  There are just so many moving pieces.  So very many.

I retired to bed exhausted.  The girls will work on their room tomorrow and I will work on the garage tomorrow.  Another day has come to an end.

15 Nov 2015 (330 days after The Day)

Sunday came with my body realizing I am no longer 18.  I ached in places I forgot existed.  I limped to the kitchen and made myself breakfast and got the kids going for the day.  We got dressed and went to church for the last time.  Ammon has been sick so he stayed home with Grandma and Claire.  It was good.  I was asked to share my thoughts while I was there to the congregation and it was difficult to do that.  As I sat in the pew with Samantha I realized how blessed I have been.  I really have been and I am grateful for it.

The Realtor came in the evening for us to sign paperwork on the house.  During that time there was small-talk about Claire and how she got her name.  I related the background on the clarity that Jan received and also shared about the song Debussy wrote - Clair De Lune.  Most have heard of it but don't know the name.  I played a portion for the Realtor and just wept.  It is hard not to.

https://youtu.be/CvFH_6DNRCY

By the time night came the trash pile was reduced to very little.  It was good to see it go.  Tomorrow brings another day of packing.

14 Nov 2015 (329 days after The Day)

Saturday - the busiest day yet for me.  I woke early and got the area around the piano cleared out.    I took pictures and recorded as best I could of the piano and the current scratches.  The piano movers arrived, took inventory of the piano, recorded scratches and marks, and began wrapping the piano.  By the time the piano was out of the house I was left with a feeling of emptiness.  The piano really is for me an important part of the home.

Jake arrived early and started helping me with the garage.  We began to empty out the garage and made piles.  Trash and donate.  Jake was able to take a large amount of Christmas decorations which was a huge blessing for me.  We don't need double the decorations so I kept the important ones and sent the rest with Jake.  I spent the entire day in the garage.  Jake left a few hours in and by the time nighttime came my garage was looking better.  I was able to get things in order but tired is an understatement.  I really feel I am starting over with my own stuff.  I gave Jake my tool chest.  It was my first.  It worked but had trouble handling the weight of all my tools and would work better in an environment where the tools were not so heavy.  I was happy to see him take it.

I loaded up the van with the donate pile and arrived at Goodwill to find out they were closed.  I returned home, ate some dinner, and waited for Jake to arrive to pick up his pile of stuff.  When he arrived we got everything packed up and loaded.

I retired exhausted.  The pile of trash slowly disappeared as people drove by and took what they wanted.

13 Nov 2015 (328 days after The Day)

So Friday was a crazy day.  I spent a large chunk of the day getting things ready at work for my move.  At home I prepared for Saturday.  We have a lot planned for Saturday so we spent a lot of time in the home getting the piano room prepped.  I worry about seeing the piano move tomorrow. 

12 Nov 2015 (327 days after The Day)

Tom's daughter, Heather came up with her husband and kids.  They ended up taking all of our homeschooling curriculum.  I personally could not pack it.  Samantha did.  It was extremely difficult for me to see it all go into boxes.  Heather took it all.  I am so thankful that she did.  It sounds weird but keeping stuff like that in the family or seeing it go to people who you know will use it makes the whole process easier.  We loaded them up with gobs of stuff and now the house really really looks empty.  No TV... limited seating...

Claire just smiled and cuddled with me today.  I needed that. 

11 Nov 2015 (326 days after The Day)

The week is flying by.  Samantha's sister is coming to help us pack.  That is such a relief.  I had meetings that were solid from 8-5 and not a single break.  Having that assistance has been huge.  The house is slowly being put in boxes and I won't lie... it is difficult.  My mind has been fixed on moving and work... When I walk in the door in the evenings more of our belongings are in a box... it is weird in a way.

10 Nov 2015 (325 days after The Day)

My day started at 5:00 when my alarm went off.  I checked my email as usual and found that we had an application outage at work.  It affected our overseas locations.  After some discussion I found that the services were restored but there was a communication gap in the procedure.  I marked this as a to-do on my agenda and the day began.  I had meeting after meeting that consumed 100% of the day.  There was very little room for breathing and was a mixture of both work meetings and meetings with movers.  I received quotes from all three movers by the end of the day.  Their prices were relatively similar but their weight estimates varied by as much as 3K pounds.  I don't know if that is normal but it seemed a bit odd for me.  As the evening moved on we packed the kitchen and grandma's room where we have our books.  I found a lot of Jan's journals.  I was so happy to find them and a little sad reading some passages where you could see the challenges she dealt with as her memories returned of such horrific events in her childhood.  I just wish I could give her a hug and let her know I love her.  It is a silly thing I suppose.  I mean, she is in a place now that is filled with love. 

Our home is filled with stuff that is going to other people's homes... it will feel much better I think once we get this stuff out of our home.  The move date is fast approaching and everything still feels like a dream.

09 Nov 2015 (324 days after The Day)

Monday has come.  A blizzard of a day working and then coming home and packing.  We met with a moving company.  Not having a clue what the cost would be I was preparing for the worst.  At the end of the meeting he said thank you and that he would send us a quote.  I was left wondering what the cost would be.  We were a bit discouraged but sat down for dinner.  About 10 min into dinner the doorbell rang and our Realtor came over.  We discussed the house and what it would take to sell... what improvements would need to be made and the schedule.  Jan's name is still on the house so having to get a death certificate and deal with that brought memories up for me.  It was difficult.  After discussing everything she left with a game-plan and that was one major item checked off my list.  After packing some more I retired to bed exhausted.

08 Nov 2015 (323 days after The Day)

So today started out with a bit of humor.  We went to church only to realize that we were early.  Two hours early.  There was a special conference so we packed up the family and went back home.  We returned later to the service and it was completely packed.  It was good to go.  There is something about being in the right place at the right time and feeling the spirit.  So - that was a plus for the day.

We came home and focused on more packing and purging.  We went through the kitchen.. well... at least we started going through the kitchen.  As we went through our stuff every item seemed to have a memory attached to it - from the wooden spoon that was burnt... to a pampered chef chopping device.  All items that I held brought back memories of using that item.  Like I said in the previous post - it is good to go through it all and purge.

By the time evening came around I felt completely drained.  It was an odd feeling.  But... drained was how I felt.  I slept a bit on the couch while everyone watched Studio C.  Claire was determined to play with me while I was on the couch.  She is so cute.  She walks around the furniture as she hold on and you can see her eyes get inspired when she looks at something with interest.  It is so cute.  I love that little girl.

07 Nov 2015 (322 days after The Day)

Today I started the hard part - packing and purging the big items.  It started in the back yard.  I disassembled the trampoline.  Some friends of ours picked it up but the process of taking it down reminded me of the time I put it together.  Lots of memories and I suppose that will be the story of moving.  Lots of memories and deciding what is worth packing up ... and what is not.

I have come to understand that purging is almost as nice as repenting.  Getting rid of stuff that you have held onto for so long has a bit of freedom with it.  No longer do I feel bogged down with items that have value... just not for me.  I felt like a steward of a warehouse of stuff that I would not use.  I am glad we are able to purge and be free of the stuff that was accumulated over the years.

06 Nov 2015 (321 days after The Day)

Friday has come.  It is amazing how quickly time flies.  I had my "last" physical therapy visit today.  For those that have had this before it is somewhat standard.  The same activities every time make for a somewhat automated time.  As I went from activity to activity I realized that over the past few months my body had really healed or perhaps repaired itself enough to heal.  I found myself feeling better about my ability to walk and get around.  My knee is still torn up but my muscles are much better at supporting my injury.  I left physical therapy feeling absolutely exhausted.  I strive to push myself beyond my comfort zone.  I do this at work and at all things I am engaged in... at least - I try to. 

As I went through the day I felt like I was checking things off my list.  That is very comforting.  I look on my daily things I do with PT or with work and realize that this very same pattern I have used when healing my grief.  One small step at a time.  Some have questioned why I have decided to remarry at the time that I did.  My answer is simple.  I am unwilling to live in grief.  Love heals.  The grieving process seems to go on and on at times.  Sometimes it is silent... and at other times it seems to scream at you from all directions.  As I go through my home and pack, for example, it screams... from one item to another.  It is just draining.

05 Nov 2015 (320 days after The Day)

On my way out the door I realized my tire on my van was flat.  I borrowed my neighbor's air compressor and inflated my tire... took it to the tire shop and got two new tires.  That was just another thing on my list that seemed to linger because the tread was low.  So in a way it was an issue I didn't feel like I had time to deal with and it was good to get it off my plate.  So at work I have been neck-deep into some work for a few weeks now.  I was able to finally get some off my desk and wow what a relief it was to do so.  I rushed home for a game that Madilyn had and she played her heart out.  They won 1:0.  By the time we got back it was time for everyone to do their nighttime chores and much of interacting with the kids was done.  Claire was already in bed.  Samantha and I have plans to hang out this weekend as we continue to pack and get things in order.  It is such an ordeal to plan combining households for 9 people.  It keeps me busy though so I am grateful for that.

04 Nov 2015 (319 days after The Day)

Both Samantha and I have been married before.  Both of us have kids and have done the normal family routine.  Both of us have confidence in this role and time in our lives.  I dated Jan for about 5 years before we married.  We were married for 15.  During that time she and I grew to really understand each other.  When Samantha and I met and dated it was very short; however, we both felt good about everything.  So we made the decision and moved forward.  Both of us had confidence in the future.  What we are still working out is the quirks between us.  It is a funny adjustment to feel completely confident in your abilities as a parent but all of a sudden questioning your abilities as a spouse.  Don't get me wrong - there is no worry about if I made the right decision - it is about how Samantha and I react to various scenarios.  It is entertaining.  I don't know another word to use.  Both of us are confident parents yet we are working to ensure our relationship is solid as well.  We are both concerned that our communications through our actions may be misinterpreted and we are both taking additional action to ensure what we did reflects what we mean.  So - juggling that with normal parenting has been interesting.    So - something for the memory banks.

I have decided to write in this blog daily for a year.  This is just my decision at this point - it may change in the future.  My hope is that this silly thing can be of some benefit to someone who has lost a spouse.  I feel I have captured a lot of my feelings here.  The loss of your spouse is really like being cut in half and then asked to go about your day like nothing happened.  It is an odd feeling both as a spouse and as a parent who needs to be there for your kids.  I still have tough days.  My love for Jan has not diminished and yet I have remarried.  It is a very odd feeling to love two women.  Anyway - there you have it... another day.  

03 Nov 2015 (318 days after The Day)

This morning I overslept again but promised Emma I would take her to see Jan in the morning.  As we were there memories came back of burying Jan.  I told Emma where I was to be buried and then said "This isn't too bad..." to which I said - when I am dead and gone you can say this is what I said about this place.  We laughed a bit.  It is a quiet cemetery but come Saturday night it is next to a race track... I didn't know this at the time I got the plot but I consider it a free gift with purchase... Jan probably doesn't.  HA! 


We went to group therapy in the evening.  It is so good to get around others who have experienced loss.  We talked about preparing for the holidays and what that means for everyone.  It was really good to get everyone's perspective.  For me this move will be both good and bad.  It will be good to have a change to what we knew since I personally am not as festive as Jan was with the holidays.  I generally don't decorate much but we have 1/4 of our garage that seems to be something related to Christmas, Easter, or some other holiday.  It will be very tough to leave my home.  My home is really Jan's home.  She picked it out.  It will forever be hers in my mind.  That will be a tough thing to process.  Overall the group therapy went well for everyone.

I promised Emma that I would help her get some supplies tomorrow morning for her school.  So - tomorrow we will swing by Lowes or Home Depot and get some materials for physics experiments.  Since Samantha and I are still in separate homes in a way I still feel like a single dad.  I take comfort that I am able to get things done and am so very thankful for my mom who selflessly sacrifices to help me with Claire, the kids, and the house.  She really is sent from God.  When Samantha and I combine our families under one roof it will be very much like the Brady Bunch.  Fun times for sure.

We got our wedding pictures in... here we are... all 9 of us.

02 Nov 2015 (317 days after The Day)

Monday has come as a complete unbelief that it is now November.  Emma and I overslept and I missed taking her to seminary.  I met with my Dr. today and he said that he confirmed that I had some kind of bacterial poisoning like salmonella, e coli, or some other kind.  It is comforting to know that is all it was and holy cow do I have a new appreciation for anyone who says they dealt with this.

My cold is kicking my tail.  I got home, helped my mom with dinner, and then we watched the Disney Pixar movie "The Incredibles" (or the beginning).  We then retired for the evening.  I had difficulty sleeping because of my inability to breathe.... thus the start of another day.  

01 Nov 2015 (316 days after The Day)

I awoke tired and feeling like I was having hot flashes.  I decided to take a shower to help me get going and by the time breakfast hit I realized I wasn't going anywhere.  I crawled back into bed and slept the day away.  I am ready to be well so I can get some stuff done.  What a mess.  I cannot believe it is already November.

31 Oct 2015 (315 days after The Day)

Halloween has come.  I feel drained of energy.  I slept.  I tried to save up enough energy to make it  trick or treating in the evening.  Emma and Madilyn had activities they attended during the day and I slept.  My sickness has gotten worse but I want to be there for my kids.  By the time evening came around I was able to take Emma and Ammon around the block while Madilyn, Claire, and Grandma stayed at home to answer the door.  Someone dressed up as the Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and brought a real chainsaw.  He was revving it up and holding this chainsaw above his head as he walked down the sidewalk.  He was scaring the crap out of the young children.  About 10 parents gathered around this fool and told him to knock it off.  The kids that arrived at my home were crying.  It was horrible.  I informed my mom and Madilyn of what was going on and then went trick or treating keeping Leatherface in my view.  Some neighbor thought it would be funny to take some candy from Ammon's bag.  Ammon reached in and got a piece and handed it to her.  She said she was just joking.  Ammon said "I want you to have it.  Everyone deserves to have a happy Halloween".  This lady's heart melted and she just hugged Ammon.  I swear.. I can't make this stuff up.  I arrived back at my home after making a couple of blocks and took Madilyn.  She was terrified of this chainsaw guy that we couldn't see.  He made another appearance about a block away and I kept my eye on him.  By the time the trick or treating was done I was spent.  Daylight savings hit tonight... We gain an hour.  I need it.  I need to sleep. 

30 Oct 2015 (314 days after The Day)

Friday - A day to end the week.  The cold I have been battling seems to come and go.  At times I have strength and at other times I don't.  At work it was good.  I accomplished much.  I looked into the future of different technologies and how we can embrace them to meet future demand.  These are days I enjoy. 

I came home weary and tired.  I piled up the kids and went to a church sponsored "Trunk or Treat" activity.  Ammon was supposed to be a bat but his costume was not coming together so he looked more like a crow.  His wings were really cool... but fragile.  They broke (again) on the way there and I had to go back inside to glue them back together.  The rain brought the activity inside and amidst 200-300 people I found myself talking with a few that I knew.  At times I find myself turning into a "me monster"... the one thing I despise... I have good stories to add when in a group setting but it seems those stories get vocalized with a me me me theme.  I realized this and just stopped talking.  Bryan Regan has a good skit on this in his show "I walked on the moon".  After the activity we piled back into the van and drove home.  By the time everyone was showered and in bed I was completely drained.

One thing has come out from all the to-do list that is going on.  I miss my kids.  I seem so preoccupied with the thick of thin things that I lose sight of what is really important.  I suppose that is one of the great lessons of life.  Learn to put first things first.