30 Aug 2015 (253 days after The Day)

Time - time seems to be a constant.  In math equations I always treated time as such but dealing with death is just eye opening.  Does time stop for anyone?  Is time a respecter of persons?  It doesn't matter if someone feels completely justified - time moves on.  It doesn't matter if the person is a prince or a pauper - time moves on.  Steadily... consistently.... time moves forward.  The consistency of time at times is cruel.  Until Jan died I never had a desire to go back in time.  I lived my life to be the best husband, father, brother, son, friend I could be.  I live this way so I will have no regrets.  The one thing that proved itself to me is the phrase "hindsight is 20/20".  After Jan's death I have an understanding of what Jan did on a daily basis that I took for granted.  I can learn from that moving forward... but I cannot go back in time.  She was an amazing mother and wife.  I am thankful for our time.

29 Aug 2015 (252 days after The Day)

Today I worked with Madilyn on math.  She was diligently working on it herself for a few hours.  She had some struggles but was able to muscle through them.  I admire her tenacity.  She was inspired to press forward and she did even when it was difficult.  I smiled.

With both cats gone, Jan gone, and Grandma gone - it is quiet in this house.  It will be nice to return to some kind of normalcy.

28 Aug 2015 (251 days after The Day)

So - Today I spent much of the day on the phone with vendors and in meetings.  While I didn't feel like I accomplished a lot with my current projects I did feel like I got a lot done.  Grandma went to attend a wedding out of town and I am happy that she was able to go.  It was good to have a moment with just me and the kids.  We worked on cleaning up the house... we still have a ways to go.  The more days that pass the more I forget how it was when Jan was in the house.  It is an odd sensation.

27 Aug 2015 (250 days after The Day)

So - I am ready for the weekend.  Today in therapy I learned a lot about my relationship with Jan.  It is funny how after 15 years of marriage you think you know someone really well - but in reality you have much to learn... about your spouse and about yourself.  This time away from Jan has illuminated things I did well and things I didn't.  Overall - even though my life will move forward - I am learning how to apply the lessons learned with Jan to be a better person.   I believe one day I will remarry - I hope to be a better husband and person because of these life events.

26 Aug 2015 (249 days after The Day)

Ok - well - a couple of events occurred today.

1. I met with Ammon's teachers and the head of the school where he is going.  I left with a lot of stuff I need to read and work through.
2. I swung by the house as the new fridge was delivered.  It was hooked up and running.  Yay... one thing done.
3. After work my mom was going to take us out to dinner but realized that Emma had a church function - so I swung by and picked up some Chinese food and headed home.  After dinner  everyone was heading to the door and I was walking by the bathroom when I saw our cat (17 yrs) laying in a death position on her side... I asked the kids to come say their last goodbyes because it wouldn't be long.
4. I took Emma to her activity and came back.  Tabitha was still alive but just barely.  We took her to the vet and said our last goodbyes.  It was a tear-filled event.  We will miss that cat.  Even though she bit me all the time.  So - Tabitha can now enjoy the rest she needs as she spends time with Jan.  I know Jan is happy to see her.  We all miss you Tabitha but we are happy Jan is there to hold you.
   

With that day behind us... we will retire for the evening.

25 Aug 2015 (248 days after The Day)

Today was another blizzard of a day with meetings.  I identified the issue with HP and am working on a solution.  Then - I realized at the end of the day that I needed to get dinner to take to group counseling.  I flew to the store - picked up a couple of rotisserie chickens and some potato salad.  I then went home - cut up the chicken as best I could - then loaded the kids and flew to the counseling session.  It was a good meeting.  The dinner was good except everyone brought chicken.  We had chicken coming out of our ears.  After dinner we split into our groups.  We discussed what made us angry and what we are doing to address it.  I said I felt like I was abandoned with a newborn.  That was what made me angry.  When Jan and I decided to have another child it was a joint decision... I believed it would be a joint effort in raising Claire.  So - when Jan died I felt very alone.  I am working to address these issues by giving myself permission to heal.  I know that sounds odd... but that really has been the hardest part of the grieving process... giving yourself permission to move forward.  So - I have given myself permission and I am moving forward on the path of healing.  Everything since that decision was made has helped me.  I really feel like I have started some serious healing.

24 Aug 2015 (247 days after The Day)

Today was a blizzard of a day.  I had a full day meeting with HP.  The Sears repair man came out and said our Samsung fridge was broken and to fix it was more than a new fridge.  Yay.  NOT.  So - we got 5 years out of it.  Whoopee.  He gave us a discount on a new fridge from Sears and we went shopping after work.

We picked out another fridge and was told it would be Wednesday before it arrived.  So - we are getting creative with mealtime.

23 Aug 2015 (246 days after The Day)

So - today was going to be a normal day.  At least - that is what we started with until Madilyn became very ill and grandma stayed home with her from church.  I took Emma and Ammon with me.  It was good to go.

I have decided to make some changes to my children's schooling.  This is a very tough decision.  Schooling for my family is core.  As I wrote in my funeral talk for Jan it was core.  I wasn't even sold in that method of schooling but became so as most husbands listen to their wives.  I listened to her passion - to her drive - to her purpose.  I was touched.  She didn't know how she would do this schooling.  She adopted many curriculums and we had our own thing.  We founded it upon the truth and righteousness.  It was great.  As my children grew, their love of learning grew.  When Jan passed - I was left striving to keep things as they had been.  Homeschooling while working.  Can I just say how impossible this is?   With Madilyn and Emma there is some online schooling that embraces our philosophy that they are enrolled in.  It is challenging and causes them to focus on it entirely.  With Ammon - he requires more one on one and I cannot offer that.  I have found a Montessori school that embraces many of our teaching methods but it isn't the same.  Ammon starts on Monday.

I will be candid and say I feel I have failed as a parent.  I am willing to let go of many things about Jan.. but schooling is something that we both embraced.  I just struggle letting go.  My alternatives are limited.  Having him go to this school will acclimate him to what mainstream America believes is "school" so should he have to transition to another physical school the transition from homeschool to a physical school building with different rules will be one less thing that he is challenged with.

I still feel I have failed.  I am making the best of the situation at hand but it is a struggle to say the least.

Oh... and our fridge broke.  Yay.

22 Aug 2015 (245 days after The Day)

Saturday was a blizzard of activity.  Madilyn had soccer and Ammon had Tae Kwon Do.  We cleaned out Jan's shoes and created a massive pile to take to the Good Will store.  I let the kids keep their favorite shoes from Jan.  The rest were added to the pile and I took and dropped it off.  It was good to let go.  It was very very hard... but at the same time I felt like it was a very positive thing.  I have a major challenge letting go of stuff I feel has value that I don't use.  So- for me it is easier to give it away than to figure out how to sell it.  So - in summary - it was a hard day... but a good day.

21 Aug 2015 (244 days after The Day)

ok... so today was a crazy day -

1. since my knee was injured I was scheduled to go to physical therapy.  That would be the first time for me.  Yeah... that was painful.  Learned some exercises I can do and yep... they all hurt.
2. we took Claire to a follow-up appointment with the neurologist.  He said he would like to do a MRI on her in a few months.  So - we scheduled a time and will wait for it.  Overall he was pleased with her progress.
3. There was a package waiting for me when I got home.  I opened it up and it was a hand-drawn picture of the family... but the artist had drawn in Jan holding Claire.  I just wept.  It was a project initiated by one of Jan's best friends and paid for by a huge group of people from Houston.  I wept again.  This is the pic below.  One of the things I just wanted Jan to do was to hold Claire.  This pic would be what it would be like.

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4. The washing machine did two things
1. started filling and overfilled spilling water all over the utility room
2. would not do the rinse cycle or agitate the clothing
3. I identified what I need to do and am ordering the parts.

On that note - I am going to bed.  I have been so very blessed.

20 Aug 2015 (243 days after The Day)

So - today was more calm than yesterday.  I spent most of my work day in a meeting.  We have lots of projects ongoing and it was good to get everyone up to speed.

The kids have purged their rooms and most of the stuff has been sorted and stored in the attic.  There is a section of stuff that is a mixture of trash and donations that I will be cleaning out this weekend.  It will be good to get the living room back.

I don't have any deep thoughts today.  I have just been busy with life.

19 Aug 2015 (242 days after The Day)

So on this 242nd day after The Day I have been able to reflect back on the changes I have made in my life.  So many changes and so many things still have not changed.  Those that have have been huge milestones for me.  I suppose all changes are milestones.  Overall - I think the major ones that have been the most difficult are

1.)  giving yourself permission to feel
2.)  giving yourself permission to heal
3.)  giving yourself permission to change

I have a strong amount of respect for all that Jan did for our little family.  I have a newfound understanding of what I am capable of.  Even now - I look back and think - those are some hard memories and I am glad they are over.  That seems to be healing - just reflecting on all that has transpired.  Looking down the latter to see how far I have climbed.  It gives motivation to move forward.

18 Aug 2015 (241 days after The Day)

So today I went back to work.  My mind was just not there.  I think I enjoyed my vacation.  Ha!  Well - I also think my mind has been thinking on something for some time.  I found that I can give myself permission to move forward on various things in life.... but when I do I let go of Jan a little bit and regain a bit of myself.  This letting go is like grieving all over again on a very small scale.  I'm trying to figure out how to allow myself to fully heal without letting go of everything.  I get the impression through my reflection that fully healing will require letting go.  Hmm.... I need to think on this.

17 Aug 2015 (240 days after The Day)

I went bowling and for whatever reason I bowled a 135.  Highest score I have ever done.  It was fun.  The next game I bowled a 75 which seems more normal for me.  But hey - I'll take the high score!

Having that outing was nice to take a break from the day-to-day.  It was a vacation and although bowling generally wasn't on my radar for activities during vacation - I was surrounded by friends and had a blast.

I think it was the first full day I was able to laugh and smile without feeling guilty about it.  That was a good feeling.

16 Aug 2015 (239 days after The Day)

I have learned that this life is full of challenges, joys, and choices.  We have the opportunity to choose path A or path B.  Sometimes our ability to settle on a choice can be difficult if we get into the weeds on every path.  I laugh when I reflect on the 1980's movie "Better off Dead" where council given to the main character Lane Myer on skying is as follows:

Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.

I think that is the challenge we all face.  We know we have to make choices but want comfort that the end result will be ok and we won't end up bruised and hospitalized.  Well - we are not given that assurance.  What we are given is that should we survive our wisdom will grow and our comfort zone will increase.  We also learn that inaction is an action.  Failure to make a decision can often be worse  than making a poor decision.  I appreciate the desire to look from a 30K foot view to see what is our long-term objective.  Once we know what it is ... we embark with the council of "if something gets in your way, turn".  I believe my long-term objective is to have a loving home filled with the Spirit of God.  A place where kids and grandkids want to visit.  A place where family bonds are strong and laughter and joy permeates everything.  Sometimes getting to that answer is the toughest challenge.  What do you really want in life?  What is the end-goal?  How does it affect your life choices.  What I have found in life is every choice matters.  Every choice either brings us to or away from our final destination.  Thus I reflect on what is really important in every choice.  I do NOT want to be an Eeyore in life... a person who drains the energy of all they are around.  It is because of this I have embraced grief.  I have embraced my feelings of loss and abandonment.  I have let go of the old normal and am holding fast to the one truth I do know... the future will NOT be what I originally thought and it is a disservice to me and my kids to pretend that nothing has changed.  My life has been shattered and I refuse to stare at the pieces and say poor me.  I am choosing to make the best of the immediate situation and plan on moving forward to ensure I have a home filled with laughter and love.  What is the hardest part of grief?  Choosing to heal - to not feel guilty for living again.  

15 Aug 2015 (238 days after The Day)

I have been amazed with how the Good Lord will work through others to bring peace back into my life when only a few months ago I struggled to just live.  This life event has hit me to the core.  It has challenged any and all beliefs I have on the eternities.  It has helped to re-prioritize my life with things that really matter.  What heals grief?  Love.  I have been surrounded by friends and family who's outpouring of love has brought peace.  I was introduced to a widow/widowers group where others who have experienced this hell have a place to vent and support each other.  There is a scriputre that I have found to be true... it goes like this

And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

How does God work - through you and me.  By small and simple means.  A phone call - a comforting hug - a listening ear.  For all who have helped me through this I extend my appreciation that you allowed yourself to be an instrument in the hands of God.  I have indeed felt His love and comforting arm and I owe it to everyone who stood up and helped.  Thank you.  Thank you all.

14 Aug 2015 (237 days after The Day)

Today I had the opportunity of cleaning the temple.  Where I go to church we have buildings called temples where sacred ordinances are performed.  One of the ordinances performed in temples is marriage where the couples are married for time and all eternity.  Anyway - I haven't been to the temple in some time and was tasked with vacuuming.  These buildings are big.  I spent a few hours vacuuming and then a friend of mine gave me a tour of this specific temple.  The entire time I was there I felt so much peace.  It was really nice.  I was taken to the sealing room where marriages are done and just wept.  You see - in these rooms they are white, with a few white chairs and have mirrors that give the impression of eternity as they face each other.  If you stand in front of the mirror with your spouse you can see your reflection carried off forever as a symbol of your marriage.  So - when I walked through there... I just was taken back to the day Jan and I married- I was filled with grief and happiness at the same time.  I was missing Jan tremendously and felt comforted by the eternities represented in the room.  I never thought I would feel that way there after feeling just so much peace.  It was a tender moment for sure.

13 Aug 2015 (236 days after The Day)

So - I juggled getting the kids to multiple events today.  Emma had a party while Madilyn had soccer practice.  My mom saved the day by helping both events work by getting Madilyn to soccer while I took the kids to the pool.  Oh.. and my knee is popping out of place.  That is a little unsettling but oh well.  It isn't nearly as painful as it initially was.  Physical therapy starts in a week.
  

 

12 Aug 2015 (235 days after The Day)

So - A few weeks ago I hurt my knee and made an appointment to see a specialist.  Today I went and was told I have a torn meniscus.  I got a steroid injection and then I was scheduled to start physical therapy.  If that doesn't work I will go in for surgery.  Yay!

I am constantly amazed at the little things I feel have been influenced by Jan.  I suppose it is like when you buy a car and then notice everyone driving that car.  So it is with me.  I just notice things that seem to have a "Jan" influence.  I smile and it makes me feel loved.

11 Aug 2015 (234 days after The Day)

Well - today marked a milestone for me.  Today was my birthday and I celebrated it with my mom and my kids.  It was a good day.  I miss Jan but it was a good day.

In an odd turn of events I see changes in my life that seem to be driven by what I would call Jan watching out for me.  My love for her grows daily.

10 Aug 2015 (233 days after The Day)

Today was absolutely filled with meetings.  I only sat at my desk for a short moment.  It is good to have these meetings but sometimes I enjoy just working.

Madilyn's birthday was today... that was a big day for her.  First birthday since Jan's passing.  It was good... I took her and some of her friends to the neighborhood pool.  They had a good time.  Celebrations like this have everyone missing Jan.

09 Aug 2015 (232 days after The Day)

So today was a day we all went to church.  It was normal.  The routine of the day seems to help make it possible to forget for a moment.  I find myself wishing I had a moment to just talk to Jan like I did when she was here... just sit down and discuss the kids... what is going on with everyone and what we need to do to move forward.  I miss that.

08 Aug 2015 (231 days after The Day)

With Claire's lack of sleeping - I woke up at 9:30 and went shopping for Madilyn's birthday gifts.  That proved difficult with all the back to school sales that were going on at the store.  After about 2 hours I returned home with something I feel will be ok.  I just don't want to screw up a birthday.  Jan was all about the celebrations and I just wasn't.  I'm just trying not to screw anything up too bad.

07 Aug 2015 (230 days after The Day)

So Claire decided to wake up at 11 and go to sleep at 4:30 am.  I don't know why she decided to do this but it was a humbling feeling for sure.  I reached that point when I exhausted all my resources and realized that Claire was just going to cry.  At this point my mom came into the living room and took over.  That was at 4.  Perhaps she just needed a woman's touch.

06 Aug 2015 (229 days after The Day)

Today I juggled lots of projects.  Lots of moving pieces and lots of activities.  With all the activity at work I am wondering how single parents do it all.  By the time dinner is done and cleaned up it seems it is time for bed.   

My cold is getting better - but I still struggle with coughing.  I'm sure the meds are working ... it is just taking a moment.  I'm glad I went in when I did.

I have found it is easy to talk to other widows and widowers about my loss.  It seems odd that a life event like a death can isolate you so very easily with loved ones caring but not really understanding.  Heck, I myself thought - one day I will be a widower... when I am 80 or so.... Jan and I had a desire of growing old together and dying together...  She did say - "If one of us goes - I hope it is me because I don't want to live without you".  I wish I had that recorded... for now I just play that memory back in my mind.  I think... 8 months is not that long... it is ok.  On the other hand 8 months seems like an eternity.  When I talk to other widows and widowers that is when I understand that life goes on and you can smile again.  That your spouse wants you to smile and laugh again.  It is hard to allow yourself to do such things - but it is so healing when laughter occurs.

05 Aug 2015 (228 days after The Day)

So I did something today that I haven't done in a long while... I took a sick day.  I have been very congested and not sleeping so I went to the doctor.  They prescribed a 'z-pack' and some cough syrup.  I don't know who designs the flavorings of these liquid medicines but yeah... I was doing good not to loose it after I swallowed.  Nasty.  Just nasty.  My kids got a good laugh out of that.  Dad taking medicine.

I have thought on how in the scriptures they refer to the prideful as those with "iron sinew" or "stiff necks"  I found the following defination of humility:

To make meek and teachable, or the condition of being meek and teachable. Humility includes recognizing our dependence upon God and desiring to submit to his will.

I realize the action word in that definition - "to make".  Just as the furnace will soften metal... so it seems with life we experience life events to humble us... to make us mold-able.  I was talking with my mom today and realized that the quickest way through the darkness is to not resist.  To readily accept what is there even if it isn't what you want.  Just as Jesus Christ spoke with Saul telling him it was hard for him to "kick against the pricks" so I ask myself why do I do the same?  Truth is and always will be there.  It will will never fade and will outlive the Earth.  So - it makes sense that I yield to truth.. and accept what it is.  I am learning these lessons slowly.  I realize God loves all his kids... all the trials and struggles he allows us to experience is to prepare us to love more.  To endure more... to live more - to learn to forgive and to learn how to love.  I thought I knew how to love.  My love for my kids and my wife have grown exponentially since her passing.  I don't see that as a bad thing even though the life event that brought it is horrific.  I am learning to say "ok dad" to my Heavenly Father with a calm face and calm body.  I am learning how to accept a 'no' answer and while it is hard... I take comfort that my Heavenly Father is mindful of all his children and these events will be to my benefit.

04 Aug 2015 (227 days after The Day)

So today was an odd evening.... we didn't have any activities in the evening.  It was nice not having to run around anywhere. 

I have thought on the duties of Jan... the things I just flat took for granted.  The things Jan did as my wife and as a mother to our kids.  I just took so many things for granted.  I look at Claire and think.... I want her to have a mom.  I think Jan does too.  I suppose this event is sobering.  It is helping me to accept life for what it is and determine what I need to do to pick up the pieces and move forward.  I have said it before - I will always miss Jan.  I really do feel like a portion of me died with her.  I also feel I have to just accept what it is and figure out how to move forward even though I am in pain.  Time has helped me get strength.  The pain has lessened now that I have embraced it.  I know I will see her again and it is my duty to be the best darn father there ever was.  I want my kids and I to return home to her one day knowing we did our best.  That is my goal.  That is my objective.

03 Aug 2015 (226 days after The Day)

Today I went to a baseball game with my family.  It was the first outing so to speak with my entire family.  It was good.  Claire fell asleep in the second inning.  Then she woke up in the 4th and was fussy... so we ended up coming back in the top of the 5th.  My home team of the Astros were being stomped.  The last time I was at a game it was with Jan.  I kept glancing up to where we last sat... memories filled my mind.  I suppose that will continue throughout my life.  It wasn't sad like a boo hoo moment... but I was missing my Jan. 

02 Aug 2015 (225 days after The Day)

Today I visited with a friend I have not seen in over 16 yrs.  It seems odd that 16 years have passed but he is the same old guy... It was good catching up with him.  Life changed for us both.  He has kids and so do I.  Life has moved on.  I realized just how quickly time moves and how imperative it is for me to not be idle in my desires for healing.  Tomorrow is a new day.  A day to begin fresh. 

Also - everyone seems to be fighting colds.  Yay.

01 Aug 2015 (224 days after The Day)

Well - time does make the passing less intense.  Tonight as I was brushing my teeth - I glanced over to Jan's side of the bathroom.  We each have our own sinks and hers still has her makeup stuff, toothbrush, deodorant, etc...  At first all of this was so difficult to see.  It was difficult to acknowledge that Jan won't be coming back.  I have reached a point where I still miss her.  I miss her so so much yet I can see moving to another chapter in my life and it being ok.  So far the only thing that pains me with a pain that I cannot shake or move past is my wish that Jan could hold and interact with Claire.  Claire is such a joy.

Claire started crawling today.  She is so cute.  I am glad to be her dad.

















#clairecrawl