I have thought on the desire God has for us to become our best and what that process looks like. I have thought about challenges we may all face. How we may feel alone and yet our negative feelings may only hinder our healing. I think about how painful these experiences can be not only at the moment they occur but continually afterwards. I'm still getting bills for Jan and Claire and it amazes me that although I know it is a bill just the detail of the bill will send me right back to the day everything occurred. I think on the innocence of Claire and how she looks to me and not to Jan. I think of the humility my children have as they strive to process these complex emotions at such young ages. I am absolutely amazed at the healing power of love. Regardless of how bad I feel or how sad my emotions are the love of my kids can be so extremely healing.
At this point in my healing journey I have taken a step back from Jan. I still miss her terribly but I have removed myself from her in a way that I am visualizing what life is like and will be like without her. Regardless of how I feel about this visual I embrace it because I have no control over Jan... I can only control events in my life and even those I can only control partially. I guess I realize how life is quick and decisions made now really do matter. Every decision matters.
