30 June 2015 (192 days after The Day)

Today was another day where feeling positive leads to feeling guilty.  What is that about?  When my wife passed I had no ill feelings toward her and she to me.  Our marriage was good.  With that as a background - when she died she left me having no desire to leave.  I am left in a void that seems to be absent of what is important.  6 months have passed and I think... What would I want Jan to do if we could switch places?  I would want her to be happy.  I would want her to not be sad.  I would want her to laugh again.  I would want her to have joy.  I think about that and then second-guess how I feel about me.  I HATE being in this funk.  I hate trudging through is vast marshland as far as the eye can see.  I want to run - flee from it.  There is an old saying about a railroad that I have included below quoted by Gordon B. Hinkley. 

Life is like an old time rail journey–delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.

I think the concept of life is to not only thank the Lord for letting you have the ride... but to enjoy the ride.  While the destination is what we are aiming for the journey is the important part.  The journey is what prepares us for the destination.  It hones us, purifies us, shapes us, and perfects us to return to live with God again.  While I am trying to run out of this marshland - I am also trying to embrace it.  To love it.  To learn everything I can from it.  What an experience and while I believe this has shaken me I also believe it is just a larger rock in the tumbler called life that we are all in.  To emerge polished must endure a lot of grit.