30 June 2015 (192 days after The Day)

Today was another day where feeling positive leads to feeling guilty.  What is that about?  When my wife passed I had no ill feelings toward her and she to me.  Our marriage was good.  With that as a background - when she died she left me having no desire to leave.  I am left in a void that seems to be absent of what is important.  6 months have passed and I think... What would I want Jan to do if we could switch places?  I would want her to be happy.  I would want her to not be sad.  I would want her to laugh again.  I would want her to have joy.  I think about that and then second-guess how I feel about me.  I HATE being in this funk.  I hate trudging through is vast marshland as far as the eye can see.  I want to run - flee from it.  There is an old saying about a railroad that I have included below quoted by Gordon B. Hinkley. 

Life is like an old time rail journey–delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.

I think the concept of life is to not only thank the Lord for letting you have the ride... but to enjoy the ride.  While the destination is what we are aiming for the journey is the important part.  The journey is what prepares us for the destination.  It hones us, purifies us, shapes us, and perfects us to return to live with God again.  While I am trying to run out of this marshland - I am also trying to embrace it.  To love it.  To learn everything I can from it.  What an experience and while I believe this has shaken me I also believe it is just a larger rock in the tumbler called life that we are all in.  To emerge polished must endure a lot of grit.

29 June 2015 (191 days after The Day)

Yesterday was a tough day.  I am both happy and sad.  I am both excited and mournful.  I feel my life is starting to make a turn for healing and newness and at the same time I don't want to change at all.  I just am sad.

Ammon went to bed sick and Claire is going through a growth spurt.  Time seems to move on.  It is already 6 months past. - just unbelievable.

28 June 2015 (190 days after The Day)

So yesterday was an interesting day.  Church and hanging out with the family.  Church was very difficult for me.  I don't know why.  It just was.  Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more... doing more but not able to become more... or maybe becoming more just very slowly.  This metamorphosis I feel I am going through is not a quick process.  I want it to be quick.  I want to just wave a magic wand and poof - everything is better.  Not the case.  It is most difficult work.  Difficult work that requires all of your attention- oh - and by the way - you still need to function in society.  I admire anyone who has gone through this or some other life-changing moment.

27 June 2015 (189 days after The Day)

I am a day late in this post but perhaps the contents will explain why.

Little-Bit our cat of 15 years died around 6:15 am on the 27 June.  My kids were just crushed.  We took her get cremated and that was a tough tough experience.  To just hand over your pet in a box to a stranger.  She is a tiny cat weighing about 4 pounds. 

We started out cleaning our living room/dining room.  After many hours we emerged successful.  After making lunch and mowing the lawn we settled in for the evening.  Everyone is exhausted both physically and mentally.  We miss our sweet kitty and the loss of this member of our family has been yet another blow to my kids this year.  This "new normal" will be different for sure.

26 June 2015 (188 days after The Day)

Another day of sickness... Everyone is fighting it.... And our cat looks to not make it through the night.  We are going to the vet tomorrow.  I think it may be the end.

25 June 2015 (187 days after The Day)

Well - I'm sick.  How wonderful.  Claire is battling gas pains (I think) and cried herself to sleep after hours of crying.  I feel so bad for her.  I hope she can sleep tonight.  I received a call from the vet saying someone found our cat.  It ended up being a neighbor a couple of doors down.  This cat is about 17 years old and will probably not live much longer.  We got her home and she drank some water stayed nearly motionless on a towel we put on the floor for her.  It has been a few hours and the cat is starting to move around now and act somewhat normal.  I think we are near the end with this cat and my kids are just distraught.  So far grandma and Ammon have weathered this storm.  I hope they stay healthy.

24 June 2015 (186 days after The Day)

I smiled today.  A genuine happy smile.  It was nice.  I don't like that life moves on and I am trying to come to grips with what that means.  Claire, Madilyn, and Emma are all sick.  I'm ready for them to be better.  I hope tonight is a good night for them.

23 June 2015 (185 days after The Day)

So Claire has hand/foot/mouth disease and pink eye.  I think as soon as some kind of normal sets in sicknesses like this occur.  I'm hoping that my kids don't get this too.

I have reflected on others that have lost a spouse since Jan died.  I have seen how their emotional roller-coaster is similar to my own and I think I understand why the scriptures council us to mourn with those who mourn. 

22 June 2015 (184 days after The Day)

I have read stories of people who have experienced similar losses.  It is comforting to know a few things.

1.)  I'm not nuts.  Generally speaking grief brings a ton of emotions and often not in any normal order.  My senses are hypersensitive and the smallest trigger can have me taking a trip down memory lane which can be filled with such pain it is really indescribable.

2.)  Hope exists.  Often it is easy to get discouraged when emotions often take their turn ruling your life.  I was first told that you never really get over the pain... you just get stronger.  I have found this to be true.  While I am not as strong as I would hope to be one day... I am able to accept Jan's departure.

3.)  In the midst of all my emotions I really did go through a period where I just struggled believing in anything positive.  I had hope that others had faith.  I know that sounds weird but that describes where I was.  My hope in others faith has turned back to personal faith.  I have learned a lesson about myself.  I understand just how much of a beating I can take.  I don't know if I can take more but I know the depth of my compassion I have on other people who grieve is much greater.

4.)  I realize how much faith God has in me.  I feel so ill equipped to raise 4 kids on my own and His trust in me brings a lot of comfort.

5.)  I realize how children really are from God.  So many times I have been taught by the simple words of my children.  I love them and appreciate their love for me.

6.)  I realize how much I really love Jan.  The words are true - you appreciate things more after they are gone.

21 June 2015 (183 days after The Day)

Well - Father's Day has come and gone.  I had a good day with my kids.  We just relaxed here at the house and spent time together.  I miss Jan terribly today.  I just wish I could hold her hand.

20 June 2015 (182 days after The Day)

So after getting the lawn mowed I took my kids and a neighbor boy to the pool.  They all had a good time.  Claire is not sleeping much during the day these days.  She woke up at 4 this morning so I'm hoping that she will sleep more tonight as well.

I have taken a step back from things spiritual for a while and feel a pull to come back.  Sometimes taking a step back from most things is what I need to refocus my priorities.  Tomorrow is Father's Day and I am glad it is a day I cannot screw up.  Yay for me.

19 June 2015 (181 days after The Day)

It is Friday evening and the kids are in bed.  I sit in the rocking chair and the TV is off.  Ah.... the beauty of silence.  I don't even know of anything major tomorrow.  I had a really good chat with Emma tonight.  Grandma set out about 4 bird feeders in the back yard.  I have laughed at how ingenious squirrels are.  They are tenacious.

So - this week had both sad and happy moments.  I'm starting to clear some work off my plate and that has helped the stress level.  Sometimes I just get hit with the reality that Jan is gone and I feel the pain all over again.  There are simple triggers - an empty side of the bed.  Her shoes and me remembering how I had to tie them when she was at the end of her pregnancy.  I think I am making progress but sometimes little triggers are like getting slugged in the gut. 

18 June 2015 (180 days after The Day)

Today I woke up to Claire kicking me in the ribs.  She got up about 1 and I fixed her a bottle.  She ate about 3/4 of it and was almost awake.  I was super nauseous so I figured I would just lay her beside me in the bed with hopes that she would go to sleep instead of wake up.  Before too long we were both sleeping and all was well until she started her inchworm moves which involves kicking with both feet aimed at my ribs.  After about 3 solid hits I decided to pick her up.  She just looked down on me and smiled.  Apparently she did not sleep much today while I was at work and her diet has been on a lot of solid food.  She is loving it and almost growing before my eyes.  I hope she is able to sleep well tonight.  I wish Jan could hold her

17 June 2015 (179 days after The Day)

Everyday I create an entry and tick the day ahead by one.  Every day I am amazed at how much time has passed.  So much time but it still feels like yesterday.  I was able to get a little sleep last night so today I am not completely exhausted but I am very tired.  I took my older kids to church activities tonight and Ammon and I just hung out.  We looked at horses and played games.  Those are moments I treasure.

Claire has had a tough time going to sleep tonight.  Grandma fed her some baby food before bed so I am hoping it helps her last through the night.  Time seems to fly and yet not move at all.  It is a weird feeling.  Grandma took a cute pic of her.  I'll include it in this entry -

16 June 2015 (178 days after The Day)

Pure exhaustion.  I am running on fumes.  I promised myself to write in this blog every day.  I'm writing this entry and then going to bed.

15 June 2015 (177 days after The Day)

Today I had a wave of grief hit me like a brick wall.  As I left work I sat in my car.  It was hot and the AC was on full blast trying to cool down the car.  I just sat there.  The parking lot was empty and I was the last one leaving work... again.  I just sat in the empty parking lot in my hot car and wept.  What triggered this?  I don't know.  I'm still sad now.

14 June 2015 (176 days after The Day)

Well - After only a few hours of sleep last night I am wrapping up today with a desire to get some kind of rest.  I was able to get a few hours of sleep after church today.  My kids and I watched "Princess Bride" tonight and had some laughs.  Claire seems to be sleeping less and much more active.  That is great except at 2am when she wants to play.  I'm hoping that tonight she sleeps so I can.  I appreciate my wife more every day.

13 June 2015 (175 days after The Day)

What a day.  I had a lot of little chores to take care of and this took much of the day.  Around dinner I found myself missing Jan.  I tried to occupy myself by fixing some stuff on our computer that is super complex and just kept hitting one road block after another.  I couldn't concentrate.  I decided to eat dinner with the family but the ache for Jan wouldn't leave.  I found myself snapping at my kids and not being myself.  My kids went on a walk with a neighbor and the quiet in the house helped a ton.  What I realize is I just feel alone.  My kids came back having caught a frog and a lizard.  It was silly but this helped to snap me out of this funk.  Grief waves are just tough to weather.

12 June 2015 (174 days after The Day)

Emma returned from girls camp.  Claire is just cute.  Here she is today when my mom went to get her hair cut.

I'm in a fog tonight.  I have just been going going that I am just doing good to remember what I have to do next.  Right now I believe that is sleep.

11 June 2015 (173 days after The Day)

I had a weird feeling walking into the house after work.  I felt that Jan was there welcoming me home.  It was real and it was weird.  I feel like I could see her in my minds eye and the look of happiness was healing to me.  I went on a walk ... a long walk for me.   About 4 miles.  I came home tired and it was exactly what I needed.  I slept.  I slept in the first time in a long time.  I still miss Jan and I still smile thinking of what I saw in my minds eye.  Jan's smile is contagious.

10 June 2015 (172 days after The Day)

Today was a milestone.  I went out to eat at a restaurant with just Ammon and me.  He wanted a daddy/son date and I wanted to do something with him so I figured we would go out to eat just the two of us.  We went to Olive Garden.  It was sweet.  A cherished memory.  We sat together in a booth and it was like Jan was with us but not.  It was a bitter/sweet moment.

09 June 2015 (171 days after The Day)

Today I went by the cemetery to get a quote on a head stone.  The no frills model is about 6-7K.  I was a little shocked by that cost.  Maybe that is normal.  I have learned that sometimes the Lord will open the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing that you shall not have room to receive it.  That has happened to my little family.  It is humbling and the outpouring of love has been overwhelming.  Complete strangers.   Complete strangers have offered help.  I just have a renewed hope in mankind.  When watching the news it is comforting to know that not everyone is bad but that there is goodness that goes unreported. 

08 June 2015 (170 days after The Day)

There are good days and bad days.  Some days are a fog and others are normal.  What makes them good or bad seems to be based on a myriad of factors.  I can have a bad day and be feeling down in the dumps and then see something or hear something that reminds me of a funny memory that brightens me up.  My kids may run up to me and love on me right when I walk in the door.  That brings a smile to my face.  I also could be having a great day.  Everything seems normal.  I may have a smell of something that reminds me of Jan causing a wave of grief to wash over me.  I don't know if I will ever stop missing Jan but I do feel like I am beginning to process these emotions.  This is a tough road. 

07 June 2015 (169 days after The Day)

So Claire is sick and not sleeping well.  I woke last night around 2:30 with her and she finally went back to sleep around 5.  She has struggled to sleep all day.  I am hopeful that she sleeps some tonight.  I went on a walk with Emma and it was really good to spend time with her.  I really enjoyed it.  I then took Madilyn and Ammon to the park and we fed the ducks.  It was fun spending time with everyone.  We came home and I made some dinner that was one of Jan's favorite comfort food dishes.  It was good to spend time with the family.  We then watched Mary Poppins (at least part of it) and ended the night on a good note. (no pun intended)

06 June 2015 (168 days after The Day)

Well - other than errands I feel like two important events occured today.

1.)  I learned how to start a fire with flint and steel.  I taught Emma and she is is taking this knowledge to a girls camp.  I'm excited that she knows how to do this now.

2.)  I had a meeting with the funeral home on pre-planning my funeral so costs are not to be incurred by my family whenever that time comes.  We never got to that discussion because I brought up how I felt the cost of Jan's funeral was outrageous for what they did.  After a review I they agreed they needed to revisit the costs and said they would call me.  I don't know if anything will ever come of this but it was good to have this conversation with them.   

I am ready to put this chapter behind me.

05 June 2015 (167 days after The Day)

Today I did something I have not done in a long time.  I cuddled with my 3 older kids.  We watched a show on TV and just snuggled.  It was really healing.  I need to do more of that.

Tomorrow is a blizzard of activity.  Sometime this activity is good... other times it is just draining.

04 June 2015 (166 days after The Day)

I learned an important lesson.  I need to take time for myself.  I set aside time today to work on my grief and I allowed other important tasks to push it aside.  I mentally had prepared to work on my grief so in a weird way my mind was already there.  Combining that with my desire to get these other priorities accomplished literally drained my energy in a very short amount of time.  As I write this I am on fumes.  Tonight will be an early night for me. 

03 June 2015 (165 days after The Day)

Tonight I took all kids out of the house.  This was the first time in a long time that I had everyone out at one time.  Grandma got a break and Claire rode in the Baby Björn.  She was having a fun time.  She got a little tired toward the end but overall I think she enjoyed her time with Ammon and me.  Madilyn and Emma were at a church activity so Claire, Ammon, and I just hung out and looked at the neighboring horses.   The sun was low and the horses were in the stables but we could see them clearly.  It was good being able to just hang out.  Tonight I ended up giving Ammon a 2nd bath because the first one .... I believe was accomplished without soap.  Ammon disagrees but I settled the stinkage with a mandate to take another bath.  I then read him one fish, two fish, three fish, blue fish by Dr. Seuss.  After a few minutes he was sleeping hard.  I love that kid.  Madilyn and Emma both came into Ammon's room asking me to finish the story I told them yesterday.  I make up bedtime stories and they get a kick out of them.... apparently enough to want me to finish last night's story tonight.  So today was a glimpse of normalcy from before Jan's passing.  It was good.

02 June 2015 (164 days after The Day)

In group/family counseling we all wrote down about how we found out our loved one died and how it affected us.  I noticed something tonight.  This memory is still horrific.  It is still very tender.  It touches my very core AND I was able to write down and listen to others share their stories which while different had enough similarities to trigger many many memories personally.  I found that I could listen.  I wasn't up for sharing my own but I could listen and mourn with those who were mourning.  It was a sweet experience but hard at the same time.  I think I am getting stronger but the strength is not what I first imagined.  I thought strength meant not showing emotion.  What I am finding is that strength is the ability to feel through all the very tough situations.  To NOT bury the feelings.  I saw a glimpse of that tonight and as odd as it sounds it gave me hope.

01 June 2015 (163 days after The Day)

I have thought on the desire God has for us to become our best and what that process looks like.  I have thought about challenges we may all face.  How we may feel alone and yet our negative feelings may only hinder our healing.  I think about how painful these experiences can be not only at the moment they occur but continually afterwards.  I'm still getting bills for Jan and Claire and it amazes me that although I know it is a bill just the detail of the bill will send me right back to the day everything occurred.  I think on the innocence of Claire and how she looks to me and not to Jan.  I think of the humility my children have as they strive to process these complex emotions at such young ages.  I am absolutely amazed at the healing power of love.  Regardless of how bad I feel or how sad my emotions are the love of my kids can be so extremely healing. 

At this point in my healing journey I have taken a step back from Jan.  I still miss her terribly but I have removed myself from her in a way that I am visualizing what life is like and will be like without her.  Regardless of how I feel about this visual I embrace it because I have no control over Jan... I can only control events in my life and even those I can only control partially.  I guess I realize how life is quick and decisions made now really do matter.  Every decision matters.