29 Oct 2015 (313 days after The Day)

Thursday - trash day.  So - since I am moving I am going through the garage and gathering all things that I have neglected to remove.  It is a slow process.  If I see something that has value (perhaps not for me) I hang onto it regardless if there is a use.  I have been working to clean up, throw out, and donate all that needs to be done.  We filled an 18 wheeler when we moved here.  I would like to reduce that by half at least.  What a chore.

Claire just wanted me to hold her tonight.  She just snuggled close, drank half a bottle, and was completely content to sleep away in my arms.  I recall how every child has done this and eventually gets too big to hold.  I admit that these are the best and worst memories.  I smile when Claire smiles at me.  I think it has been such a blessing that she is so joyful and happy.  In my darkest of moments when I just wanted to crawl into a hole Claire would reach for me and smile.  Love is an amazing healing thing.  I would cling to Claire and she to me.  We would just hold each other and heal. 

I am grateful for the loving care Samantha has shown as we have blended our families.  She is a wonderful mom.  I am thankful we have each other.  It is strange that if it were not for Jan's death I wouldn't have met Samantha yet what a blessing the Good Lord has poured out on both of our families who have seen such tragedy.  In a way I feel I have known Samantha all my life.  Love really does heal all wounds. 

28 Oct 2015 (312 days after The Day)

I found myself doing the daily routine.  The mundane day-to-day activities have the days blurred.  I am like a stereotypical IT guy and have a ton of flash drives.  I'm trying to clean things up and was going through them.  I found a very sweet video that is one of the sweetest moments we captured.  This was before hi resolution video recording but it is sweet nonetheless.  Ammon was about 2 and had sweet jabberings.  Jan was asking him and all the kids questions.  Their responses were so sweet.  Sometimes I look back on my life with Jan and wonder if it was a dream.    

I took the the girls to Party City to look for costumes.  Is it just me or do the costumes these days look like they are designed for a stripper?  I mean - holy cow!  The choices are extremely limited so we did the best we could.  I can't believe I spent a gob of $$ on a single night event.  Oh well... My kids will enjoy their time. 

I am looking forward to getting Samantha's and my family under one roof.  This presents challenges for sure but it will be good to eventually be done.

27 Oct 2015 (311 days after The Day)

So I am sick.  How wonderful.  I barricaded myself in my office today and just worked.  I was able to get caught up on a lot of items that sat while I was in the hospital.  I came home and crashed.  I was completely exhausted and just felt like I was without any ability to function.  I spoke with Emma for a while and then just felt myself drifting away.  I needed to sleep.  I did.  What a day.  On a good note - Claire is making a positive turn getting over her cold.  Yay!  There is hope for me.

26 Oct 2015 (310 days after The Day)

Today Claire did something.  Samantha held her in a standing position and then let go.  She stayed that way for about 15 seconds.  She got excited and started to try to jump and well... fell over. 

She is growing fast.  I'm glad Samantha is here to be apart of Claire's life when all these 1st's are happening.  They have bonded too... which is great.  Samantha can put Claire down for a nap and Claire will go to sleep.  If I try to put her down she just starts crying.  Samantha has the magic touch!

25 Oct 2015 (309 days after The Day)

I got up early and made waffles today.  That seems to be a tradition for us on Sundays.  We went to church today too.  It was a special session where an area authority came in and spoke to the congregation.  My kids did all they could to sit there.  Once it was over we came home and ate lunch my mom had made.  Samantha and I spent another day working in my room.  Today was more difficult.  I came across a letter Jan wrote to Emma and Madilyn back in 2010.  It was the ONLY one so far that I have found.  It was sweet and filled with good motherly advice.  I need to write these too... I need to write notes to outlive my life.  Needless to say I was beyond touched.  We finished the closet, night stands, bathroom, and my room.  We have a small bathroom closet to pack that is connected to the master bath and then my room is completely done. 

On Saturday Samantha took the kids to get pumpkins.  We have never carved them before but she came back with pumpkins galore.  Sunday evening after dinner and cleaning was done we spent time carving pumpkins.  It was fun.  A real fun family moment for everyone. 

Claire is becoming more animated when making noise.  She is just a cute little girl. 

Seems like time is flying by.  I am so thankful for Samantha for becoming part of this family.

24 Oct 2015 (308 days after The Day)

Well - Saturday was action packed.  I took Ammon to his Tae Kwon Do but also it started to rain a lot.  It rained a ton on Friday and Ammon came into bed with us but still... rain rain rain.  Samantha and I focused on the closet.  She had already moved since her husband passed and gone through a purge session... I had not.  Going through everything was difficult but it felt good to get everything in order.  We packed gobs of stuff.  We ended the night watching Back to the Future (the first one) or at least part of it.  We retired for the day exhausted.

23 Oct 2015 (307 days after The Day)

Well - today is Friday.  Another day that flew by getting caught up.  Most people I needed to meet with were out of the office so this next week will be busy for sure.

Tonight was a lazy day.  We watched a movie together and just enjoyed each others company.  Tomorrow Samantha and I start to purge and clean out my master bedroom closet.  I am looking forward to this and also dreading it.  Lots of memories.

22 Oct 2015 (306 days after The Day)

Today was my first day back at work.  I was fortunate to have a day-long meeting but I was also exhausted.  Around 4:00 I was spent.  Madilyn had a game at 6 and we got there in time to find out it was cancelled because of the rain.  We came back, ate dinner, and just spent time as a family.  Samantha helped me start going through some of the piles in my room.  It was good to start that process and I am grateful for her patience. 

In an odd way it feels just like it did when Jan was here.  I have a help-mate to help me through all of life's challenges or rather - just knowing you are not alone helps a ton.  I never realized how much I missed that. 

The thunder and storm had Ammon sleeping with us.  Well - when I awoke I found Ammon sleeping sideways and Samantha was sleeping on the couch.  I forgot that he turns as he sleeps.  It has been a while I guess.

21 Oct 2015 (305 days after The Day)

We packed up our stuff took out the trash and started driving North by 9:30 am.  We met some of Samantha's friends in Austin for lunch and made it back home by 6:30 pm.  It was really good to see everyone again.  The blizzard of the day-to-day starts tomorrow, but the first night to sleep in my own bed.  It is funny how much comfort that brings. 

20 Oct 2015 (304 days after The Day)

On Tuesday the wind had stopped blowing crazy hard... we decided to go walk in the water some.  The water was cold.  70's.  POC has shallow water by the shore so you can walk for a great distance and the water will begin to go over your knees.  We picked up some sea shells and before too long we lost our footing and both were soaked.  It was fun just to sit there and talk.  Another lazy day but so very nice.  We came home fired up the BBQ grill.  Shrimp, fish, and steak.  Yeah... that is not a normal meal but mmmm it was good.  Samantha is a good cook too.  I baked some cookies and it rounded off the day. 

19 Oct 2015 (303 days after The Day)

On Monday I awoke feeling significantly better.  My sister stocked the fridge as a wedding gift and we enjoyed another lazy day.  Since I was eating meat like a bear I had much more energy.  Samantha and I just watched some movies and talked.  Really.... it was a low-key day.  We drove to a neighboring town for lunch which was really good and picked up some supplies for dinner.  

18 Oct 2015 (302 days after The Day)

The first day in Port O'Connor (POC) was such a break from the day-to-day.  POC is a fishing village and doesn't see a lot of tourism.  I slept.  I really slept.  I think just being in a place to relax was what my body needed.  We cooked up some leftover BBQ just enjoyed a lazy day.  We walked to a pier that extended about 200 yards over the water.  The wind was blowing hard but it was nice to be alone.

17 Oct 2015 (301 days after The Day)

Well - I got married today.  It was a blizzard of a day and I felt physically weak.  Like really really weak.  I slept in the morning and afternoon and just walking down the hallway had me holding the sides of the walls.  I neglected to pack a belt and needed to go to a mall to pick one up.  I had to ask for help.  I thought - how in the world am I going to get married when I can barely walk.  This entire time I had been eating clear liquids.  My mom wanted me to eat some cheese but after the discussion with my Dr. on how bad cheese was for my condition I said no.  She gave me a slice of lunch meat.  One slice.  I thought... I can do this.  I nibbled on it and an amazing thing happened.  I immediately felt better.  My sister drove me to my future in-laws home where the marriage was to be performed and I sat in a chair there completely exhausted.  I had to put my game face on and that was difficult since I didn't feel so well.  It was so very healing to see everyone that came.  Tom's family, kids, grandkids.... Even Michelle's kids and some I had not seen since they were 8 and now 17.  I was so so so happy to see them all I just wept.  There was so much support and love for me and my family and soon to be future family.  We got a pic during the wedding.  The first one with everyone there.

The wedding went well.  Emma (Samantha's first) sang the song LOVE.  Her voice reminds me of Jan's early on.  It was very healing.  Samantha looked amazing.  Since I felt better having eaten some lunch meat I went ahead and ate a plate of BBQ sitting with the entire family there.  Apparently that is what my body needed.  Protein.  Samantha drove me (how pathetic... hahahaha) to Port O'Connor.  It was a busy day but overall I just felt overwhelmed with love and support from family and friends.  A day of healing for sure.

16 Oct 2015 (300 days after The Day)

I awoke refreshed.  I'm still eating soup and taking meds all the time but I feel so much better.  I went to get a haircut and took Ammon with me.  Afterwards we packed the car and drove to Houston.  Samantha's kids and mine were able to hang out and play together at my sister's home while I talked with her parents and my mom.  To say I was exhausted was an understatement.  It was good to visit with everyone and prepare for tomorrow but wow... what an ordeal.  I went to sleep early.  The kids are excited about tomorrow.  It is weird to think of how our lives have so drastically changed in just 300 days.  I am thankful for Samantha and the love she has for me and my kids and am looking forward to blending our families.

15 Oct 2015 (299 days after The Day)

I finally go in for the procedure at 11:30.  I'm trying to have good humor about the situation.  So... when the doctor said "what brings you in today" my response of "I felt like paying a lot of money to get violated" was met with laughter.  It helped me relax and prepare for the procedure.  So after signing my life away on forms I was wheeled to the back where the procedure was to occur.  The doctor was asking me about my family and small talk type discussion when I overheard the anesthesiologist say "I have started the anesthesia".  I was able to respond somewhat to his last question before I felt a cool flow in my veins and the next thing I remember was a nurse telling me that it was time to wake up.  After recovering a bit and being taken back to my room I immediately wanted to get back into the swing of things.  I found myself with my mobile phone in hand responding to questions at work.  So perhaps that wasn't the wisest decision but it will illustrate that I really did feel ok at the moment.  I blew through a number of emails and TXT messages and got "caught up" enough.  By that time Samantha walked into the room and I was able to get caught up on how things were going at the house.  I spoke to my kids when I was in the ER the day before and they had worried.  I told Emma that I went to "the doctor" which was true but I intentionally omitted that I was at the hospital because I didn't want to worry them.  They found out that I was in the emergency room and panicked.  This was the same hospital where Jan was.  They were reliving a lot of the same emotion when Jan was here but this time with me and their fear that I would die was probably staring them in the face.  Samantha was able to comfort them and help them when she left me the night before but seeing her now gave me an opportunity to get caught up on how things went at the house.  All of the kids had a lot of activities going on Thursday and that would help keep them occupied while I worked to get released.

So - you are probably wondering like me... "How did I get this??"  The doctor said it was either

• Infectious
• Chronic

So to give an overview - infectious means I ate something and was poisoned... e. coli, salmonella, or some other bacteria has gotten in me and they treat it with antibiotics and then I go home.  No big deal.  Chronic means this was self inflicted.  I may have some kind of disorder where things trigger this type of reaction. The doc took some samples of stuff during the procedure and said he would know by Tuesday which it was.  So - with his blessing I was released to go home.  I arrived home tired and my kids were excited to see me.  After talking with them and getting caught up, I slept for the first time in a while.  It was nice.

14 Oct 2015 (298 days after The Day)

ok... so I awoke feeling not much better and my energy level got worse through the day.  Combine that with the fact that it appeared like bad food poisoning that I figured I should go to the ER.  I juggled getting people to help with the kiddos and then Samantha took me in.  I nearly fainted when I was getting admitted.  I was sweating and just overall in poor condition.  They took me to do a CT scan and the results were immediately in... pan colitis.  With my dad's history of crohn's disease the ER doc said he scheduled me for a endoscopy and colonoscopy in the morning.  To spare you the details let me summarize.. The procedure itself is.. well... unknown.  They knock you out so there is no telling; however, the preparation for them just downright sucks.  They gave me a jug of some cocktail to drink that was to clean me out.  Well, my friends, that is an understatement.  It took me about 4 hours to down the jug.  Yes... 4 hours.  After 4 hours I struggled with every gulp.   blah.. but there I sat empty and full of antibiotics and saline solution dripping into my veins.  I mentioned to the doctors, nurses, and everyone involved that I was to be married on Saturday.  Um.. I don't have time for the ER. 

13 Oct 2015 (297 days after The Day)

Today I had physical therapy.  I didn't feel 100%.  Perhaps something I ate.  I don't know.  By the time that was over I put a call into work.  I was not going in.  I normally don't have a lot of sick days but with a wedding just around the corner I didn't want to take any chances.  So - I stayed home and attempted to get better.  Fever, shakes, nasal congestion, and then an upset stomach... great.  Combine that with a physical therapy session that made me sore and to say I felt bad was an understatement.  So - off to get some sleep and hopefully things will be better tomorrow.

12 Oct 2015 (296 days after The Day)

Monday has come with grandma out of town... juggling the kiddos again makes me appreciate all that Jan did.  I have pondered the silence that comes after all the commotion... all of the emotion and tears and heartache... I am left with silence.  As my life takes a new turn I think on how Jan would feel... what she would say... life has moved forward without her and all I have is my memories to take with me.  I have some recordings of her speaking... it is amazing how your senses can take you back like you were there.  I have come to understand that all the pain and anguish that me and my family have endured is a blessing in disguise.  We have learned to value what we have... prioritize what is important.  We have grown closer as a family - and what a high cost for that lesson.  As part of the widow/widower group I am a part of I reflect on new members that arrive.  They arrive like I did... broken and shattered... trying to come to grips with reality.  Unsure of the future and their role without their loved one.  My heart pains for them.  I understand why Christ wrote for us to help our neighbors... to comfort those that mourn.  To walk in their shoes will bring a deeper love and appreciation for those that struggle.  Love heals.  That is what I have learned through this life experience.  Love heals.

11 Oct 2015 (295 days after The Day)

So this Sabbath brought much needed relaxation with the kids.  Even Samantha joined in and it was a fun moment.  Claire; however, did not rest well and has caught a cold.  She has been cranky and I hate this age when they don't know how to blow their nose. 

I find it interesting that the picture frames over my mantle are half-filled.  Seems fitting to fill in the rest with pictures from Samantha's side.  I am approaching this change (getting married) like I do with all of my life actions - do my very best so I will have no regrets.  I am thankful that Samantha has lived through this pain too... she understands the pain that comes from moving.

Well- tomorrow is going to be busy... Samantha and I have to get what we overlooked - a marriage license.  HA!  I forgot!  Tomorrow is Columbus day.  I think that is a federal holiday... well... we will get it on Tuesday then. 

10 Oct 2015 (294 days after The Day)

So Saturday has brought a gob of chores... Both grandma and I ran all around and got stuff done.  Madilyn had a soccer game and played a team where the opposing coach was screaming and cursing.  I mean... this is 11 yr old soccer.  I suppose it is a sad reality these days when parents become coaches and live their childhood dreams through kids.

When the day was done I felt like we got a lot accomplished.  It was good to tick some things off the list.  I know the day is looming when we will have to move and when that happens I know it will be a challenge to pack up this home.  As much as I look forward to starting my life again with Samantha I am pained with having to "wrap up" this one.

09 Oct 2015 (293 days after The Day)

Today seemed to be a normal day.  Lots of meetings and projects at work.  I came home and my kids did Facetime with Samantha and her family.  It was good.  We will hang out some this weekend which will be good.  My kids have grown to love her and her kids.  That is encouraging amidst all the change.

Tomorrow is soccer and tae kwon do.  Until then...

08 Oct 2015 (292 days after The Day)

Thursday has come and I met with one of Madilyn's teachers at school.  It was a good meeting.  I feel I am beginning to get a handle on all of this as a single parent.  I also took Madilyn to soccer practice... all in all... it was a busy day.  A busy day but I feel like I am beginning to be involved to the point that if Jan were here she would be smiling.  I feel bad that I wasn't that involved previously.

07 Oct 2015 (291 days after The Day)

So today I am mega-booked.  I have work in the morning, a parent student conference at lunch, a meeting at work directly afterwards, therapy for Emma directly after work, then take her to a church activity directly afterwards... then come home and eat dinner.  By the time it was all over I didn't need anyone to rock me to sleep.  It was 10 pm by the time I put my head on the pillow and I was out.  I am grateful that Claire slept through the night.

06 Oct 2015 (290 days after The Day)

So - Tuesday was filled with a lot of discussion at work.  I was able to potentially solve a real challenge of a problem.  I say potentially because the error I fixed needs to be tested the type of test will only show with time.  I am hopeful that it has.

I went to physical therapy this morning and about collapsed with exhaustion at the end.  I guess that means I did well.  I don't know... I do know I will feel this in the morning.  Sore muscles is a feeling I was hopeful to leave back in high school and college... but alas... here it is again.

We got the rest of the handy-man work done in my home so now I have functioning sinks.  I wish I would have humbled myself when Jan was here to allow her to call on a handy-man to get stuff fixed... I was just so prideful and things were left half-completed all the time.

I got my new glasses in too... that is exciting to finally be able to see again.  My old frames had broken and they were limping along... these new ones came in just in time.

I took the kids to group counseling tonight.  It was very tough for me.  Extremely tough.  We discussed how children grieve... I was just taken back to the day I had to tell my kids... it was so difficult.  My kids have been so amazing as they work through their own challenges along with dealing me a dad who is a mess.  I look up to them.  They are awesome.

05 Oct 2015 (289 days after The Day)

Monday was a struggle to get back into the swing of things.  I found myself thinking of Jan and Samantha during the day.  One moment it was Jan... another Samantha.  It is weird to love two women and have them both love you back.  Samantha and I are getting wedding details ironed out.  That seems to be taking a moment to work through.  I also realize that we will be combining homes... two sets of dishes... two sets of flatware... two sets of pots and pans... This is only the kitchen.. there are other items that will need to be set aside.  I am also going through all of our personal stuff.  Trying to figure out what is a keep and what isn't.  This is proving extremely difficult.  My heart is very tender on this subject.  I think this exercise will have be stretching and growing again.  I am not looking forward to this.

I took Claire to the doctor this morning and all was well.  That is very encouraging.  

04 Oct 2015 (288 days after The Day)

Sunday was a normal day.  We watched a bit of conference of our church on TV and then the kids took a moment to play outside.  I had mentor meetings with them as we walked individually around the block.  I must have walked the block about 8 times.  I was tired.  It was really good to have one-on-one time with each of the kiddos.  We pushed Claire in the stroller and she just kicked her legs and laughed.  It was a good family bonding moment for everyone.  I got everyone's feedback on how they were feeling about the upcoming change.  I got both support and concerns.  I know change will have everyone trying to figure things out but it is a good thing... hard, yes... but good.

03 Oct 2015 (287 days after The Day)

The day started with normal weekend chores.  Mow the lawn... clean the house.  Every six months there is a general conference of the church we attend that is broadcast online.  I was watching this when the doorbell rang.  It was Tom and Colette.  Their visit was so healing.  Tom plays the piano extremely well.  When he played the piano in my home it makes Jan come alive again... To hear the piano playing is so very healing.  In a way I can close my eyes and see Jan playing.  As he played I wept.

We spent the day talking and catching up.  It was so good to see them and spend time with them.  My kids thoroughly enjoyed their visit too.  They left that evening to drive back to Houston.  I wish we were closer.  I miss them.   

02 Oct 2015 (286 days after The Day)

Friday has come with a sigh of relief.  With a blizzard of work and home activities filling every moment I look forward to a moment of rest... well... perhaps not what most would call 'rest' but rest nonetheless.

As the days tick by until I am married I find myself working to get things in order with my family.  I look forward to being a father to three wonderful kids who had their father taken from them far too early in life.  It humbles me.


I received a call in the morning from Tom's wife, Colette.  It touched my heart.  I am so thankful for their family.  They will be out to visit tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it.  :-)

01 Oct 2015 (285 days after The Day)

Today I had a moment where I felt like Jan was close.  It is an odd feeling... like when you are with someone you know is in the room and you close your eyes... you don't see them but you know they are there... it is similar to that.  I have had feelings like Jan is close before.  I cherish them.  I have learned a lot about Jan and my relationship over these last months and I have seen how memories fade.  I think about what I can do to help Jan's memory stay fresh in my kids's minds.  I think.... if I had died would they forget about me?  I think- no way... I do all these things .... but alas that is the truth.  Time marches on and our minds forget the details of our relationships.  So - I am focusing on what I can do to help keep Jan alive in the minds of my children. 

30 Sept 2015 (284 days after The Day)

So today was one of the craziest days I have had.  I really don't know how single parents do this.

• Seminary
• Chiropractor
• Work
• Car repair
• Home repair
• Kids activities
• Homework
• Dinner

Today I just felt like I was pulled in a ton of different directions.  It is a day I am glad is over.