31 Dec 2014 (11 days after The Day)

7:00 am

Before retiring last night we took down the tree and cleaned up.  All the reminders I thought would be put away and we all could begin anew.  I walked into the dark living room only to realize that I will always have reminders.  I swear this pain doesn't stop.  The whirlwind of activity over the last 11 days has left little time for feeling.  Today I am working on decking my attic for additional storage to offset the shortage we have with grandma moving in for a while.  I welcome these projects and at the same time I find myself sitting and staring into nothing.  Sitting catatonic in a chair seems to be more of a normal thing these days.  I easily snap out when my kids come around or some activity demands my attention.  I wonder how this new normal will look.  All the activity has given me a little amnesia on Jan which has helped.  I reflected on the title of a book Jan has called "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die".  I spoke with her in detail about this concept prior to her passing and feel it is my turn to experience this awful truth first hand.  I can put on a poker face as good as the next guy but no matter how good the reality is I have a raw unhealed wound that I have neglected to address.  I suppose in life we all put on our "happy faces" and when someone asks "How you doin'?"  the appropriate reply is "Good, and you?" or perhaps just a head nod.  Some people really don't want to know because most people are without resources to assist.  How do you lift someone up when you are not above them?  Some people are genuinely caring and their desire for your welfare is self-evident in their normal day-to-day interactions.  Others my really care but not know how to help leading to awkward interactions.  How do you begin to process this pain?   I know... I know... Counseling.  Perhaps that is a good start.  This blog has been healing for me.  I get tickled to find out people are actively reading this stuff.  I never thought I would have a following for this type of venting.  Perhaps everyone relates a little to my tirades.  I did not think this would be my shtick but it has brought more healing than anything else.

Well - it is 8:00 and the house is still dark.  I suppose now is a good enough time to start the process of getting breakfast going.

8:27 pm
Got my attic decked.... partially.  Went to see Claire and she is doing so well!  The NICU is moving her to a less critical area of NICU.  How fun!  Below is a pic of Emma holding Claire.  We are just waiting on her to improve her eating volume and she will be home!  Thank you for everyone's prayers!

My kids convinced me to stay up to 12:00 to see in the new year.  I completely forgot what day it was.  This is just a nice change to all the horrific events of the last few days.

30 Dec 2014 (Ten days after The Day)

6:25 am -
I slept about as good as a person could with my daughter jabbing me with her elbow through the night.  Her sadness is great and I welcome them sleeping in my bed if it brings comfort.  It seems every day I awake like a normal day only to have a wave of sadness hit me as I realize this nightmare won't end.  I just don't understand how Heaven can be a happy place without your entire family there.  I have heard that our loved ones watch over us here and I have had enough personal experiences to believe that; however,  that does not stop the pain and anguish that is felt.  It seems it would be torture to see my family saddened at my loss if the situation was reversed.  Perhaps there is much more support for her.  There was a Native American right of passage that was shared at Jan's funeral that I have reflected on again and again.  The right of passage goes like this -

A father takes his son into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone sitting on a stump.  He is required to do three things to pass this test.

1. Not remove the blindfold until the morning sun's rays cut through
2. Not move from the stump
3. Not cry out 

Once he survives the night, he is a Man.  He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.  The boy is naturally terrified.  He can hear all kinds of noises.  As the night moves on he can hear wild beasts of the forest.  The wind howls and his fear increases, but he sits stoically.  Finally, after a horrific night the morning sun's rays cut through the blindfold.  As he removes the blindfold and his eyes adjust to the brightness his first view is of his father sitting on an adjacent stump with his bow drawn protecting him through the night.

I have been thinking on this right of passage.  The need for us to feel alone.  The test of courage and steadfastness.  The love of our Father for our personal safety but yet our feeling as if our personal safety relies entirely on us.  The fear and challenges that we must overcome through the darkness with our Father watching over us.  A right of passage indeed.  When I reflect on the life events of 2014 I can honestly say I have grown.  There are few experiences I can count that have impacted me as much as this one.  I jokingly said to someone after the funeral that the only thing missing was a house fire to complete the picture.  Life events can be cruel and painful.  As I reflect on this Indian right of passage I know that I am not alone.  This brings comfort more than anything else.

10:15 am -

I received multiple requests for the link to PayPal and went ahead and posted it on the main page.  I am humbled by the financial support I have received and appreciate it.  Regardless of the financial support I appreciate the prayers more than anything.  Thank you.

9:46 pm -

Well, today was an action-packed day.  One of Jan's friends lives in Southlake and I ended up dropping my kids off there to play while grandma and I went to see Claire.  Claire's health is just improving.  The doctors are very pleased with her progress.  She is drinking from a bottle and doing what all of my kids did when feeding - she fell asleep.  I just smiled.  It was the first time in a while that I found myself genuinely smiling. 

It was only a few days ago that the outcome was grim.  The complete turn-around is not only pleasing but healing.   During the day I felt like Jan was pleased with some of the decisions that were made with Claire.  Even the NICU head nurse commented that Jan would be proud of me for standing up for Jan's desires.  That felt good. 

Tomorrow I am out to buy plywood to start decking our attic so we can move some stuff up there to give us more room in the house for Claire and grandma. I am so grateful for the support of my family and friends.  I am especially grateful for the prayers that have been sent Claire's direction.

Madilyn and Ammon are with me tonight.  We will see if I get any sleep.  I enjoy their company so I'm not complaining.

29 Dec 2014 (Nine days after The Day)

I only had to get my daughter to move once in the night.  That is amazing.  I slept.  I also had a dream.  I suppose it would be good to share that I generally don't recall any of my dreams and last night is also true to this statement except for one thing.  Jan and I had previous conversations on things she and I are passionate on.  These things had slipped from my memory entirely because of the chaos of all that has occurred.  In my dream my wife and I had a discussion where she asked about these things.  Whether it is inspiration or something else entirely I do not know.  I am just glad I had this dream to start the process of getting other things in order.

I started looking at headstones.  I found that I could get one for about 1K that looked decent but the installation of the headstone is about .55 cents per sq inch.  In English that means for a normal headstone I will pay 1K and then another 4K for the install.  I'm just sick with the costs of this stuff.

9:19 pm

Ammon and Madilyn in my bed again tonight.  I spent a portion of the day with Claire.  She is doing much better.  She is no longer on any oxygen or CPAP or ventilator.  She is just breathing normal air!  Yay! She completed her brain tests and the Neurologist indicated that she had a hemorrhage on the back right portion of her brain that is no longer bleeding.  That portion of the brain works with associations.  The Dr. believes this may be the cause of the seizures.  At any rate he said her brain waves look fine for when she is awake and a little off when she is sleeping.  They will keep an eye on her but so far the outlook is more positive.  He did say we are not out of the woods yet.  I asked when we would be and he shared it may take a few years to see what if any effects this may cause.  So, here is keeping my fingers crossed for a few years.  He said until the blood from the hemorrhage is absorbed there is still a chance for a seizure so the medications to control that part are still being administered.

I still have trouble believing this is all happening.  I expect to see my wife walk in at any moment and I wouldn't think twice.  I suppose I am just really sad.  I am amazed that some times in life you can be filled with such joy as you could ever imagine and you can also be filled with such grief as you could ever imagine.  The polarities between the two truly make your appreciation of joy more and your resources to handle the negative greater.  With all that being said this still sucks.

28 Dec 2014 (Eight days after The Day)

6:54 am -
I awoke many times during the night with a knee in my back.  I just didn't sleep well.  I suppose it is a mixture of knees and elbows jabbing me along with the fact that I am struggling with Claire.  All information shared yesterday about Claire was tough to hear.

My wife spent significant effort on being genuine.  She didn't want to do or be something because it was expected.  The term she used was "following a pattern".  There were gobs of patterns that could get you to do something that you really didn't want to do.  For example, you could have friends running the "war pattern" where you were either supporting them or an enemy.  So if you disagreed with them but didn't want them to believe you were an enemy you could feel obligated to agree with them.  Another pattern could be religion.  Doing things because you are supposed to do them regardless of your personal testimony.  Another could be family patterns where certain people act a certain way and it was customary to accept their actions and interact with them even though your personal feelings were 180 degrees off.  Jan's desire was to be genuine.  To do, act, and believe as she wished without influence of some outward expectation.  I admire her for taking a stand on this.  Often she would ask herself how she was feeling about going or doing something.  She strived to be genuine.  Shakespeare, speaking through Polonius in Hamlet, said,

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

(act 1, scene 3, lines 78–80)

 I feel I am asking myself the same questions.  Why am I acting how I am acting.  What is driving those actions.  Is it me or some obligation to something else.  While I am not as good at looking at that aspect I find myself doing this more and more to ensure I am doing what is needed.  Today is Sunday.  To go or not go to Church.  While I know everyone is loving and supportive I really feel there are only a handful of people (in comparison to everyone) who really get it.  They have lost either a child or spouse and can understand.  There are only a handful of children who have lost either a sibling or a parent who can understand.  Everyone else just strives to be supportive.  It is this shock and disbelief that makes it difficult for me to go to Church.  I might as well be 10 feet tall wearing a purple leisure suit.

My son awoke and is cuddling with me.  He had dreams of his mother.  They brought both comfort and sadness.  Well... we are going to put on a movie and spend some time together.

6:47 pm

I went to Jan's grave this evening to dedicate the grave - which is essentially a short prayer using the priesthood.  One of the flower arrangements was lying on top of the dirt mound.  I have no idea what happened to the flower arrangement that was sitting on top of her casket.  They moved it on top of the burial vault the last time I saw it but I don't know if it was buried with her or what.  My daughter wrote a note from all of us and placed it on the grave by the flowers that were left on top.  I need to start the process of getting a grave marker.

My daughter Claire's health is improving.  She is now breathing with only a small oxygen tube in her nose.  The NICU will attempt feeding with a bottle tonight if she is awake.  She has a battery of tests on her brain tomorrow to give better insights to what all is going on.  My thoughts are on her constantly.  The doctors said a week ago they didn't think she was going to make it but today the outlook is much more positive.  That is encouraging.

I'm watching the BYU TV show called "Studio C" tonight with my family to try to get some laughs.  We need em'.  My kids emotions have been on edge and I play with them and spend time with them to help them through this tragic event.  This blog is the only time I am not directly on the floor with Legos or holding one of them.

Tonight is Madilyn and Ammon.  Maybe a bit more room in the bed.  My sister got me (and each of my kids) a journal to write some thoughts on Jan for future memory refection.  I will start writing tonight.

27 Dec 2014 (Seven days after The Day)

I awoke around 7:00 am.  I found that everyone was still sleeping.  I wept.  My wife and I have a king size bed so there is a "side" that is all Jan.  It is difficult looking in that direction.  I found out yesterday that my wife shared with my mother that she purchased a gift for me for Christmas.  I love my wife and it is yet another example of how I feel I failed as a husband.  You see, I am very hard on my shoes.  They normally go from new to old in about 6-8 months.  I have had a difficult time 1.) finding someone who caries my size 2.) finding a style in my size 3.) finding one that won't fall apart.  I shared with my wife that Red Wing shoes apparently can withstand me.  I'm not a small person by any stretch of the imagination.  I'm about 6'3" and not that thin.  Suffice it to say my shoes take a beating.  My wife had a favorite pair of my Red Wing shoes resoled and then purchased a gift certificate for me to purchase another pair.  I normally try to save money by buying my shoes on eBay or some online source to save the $$ but my wife was thoughtful enough to do this for me.  And all I got her was cash.  Do you see my frustration at myself?  I have to go through her purse to find the gift certificate and receipts.  I am not looking forward to this.

Anyways - I forgot that today was an alternate trash day so I took out what amounted to about a 4' x 4' x 4' cube of garbage from pre-Christmas, to Christmas, to Funeral trash.  The recycle bin is overflowing and it will be good to get it removed. 

My wife has been writing in journals on and off for most of our marriage.  I feel like I am invading privacy by looking in them and yet I miss looking at her handwriting.  To know she wrote those words bring both comfort and sadness.

I have published my talk I wrote for her funeral here.

Well I am off to the kitchen.  People are up and moving.  I suppose I should get breakfast going.

9:34 pm -
  I barked at my sister because she was making eggs wrong.  I mean who does that, right?  I realized that the method of egg making was one of a few that Jan taught me.  Funny how I reacted and sad at the same time.

I was able to visit Claire tonight.  She is not doing too well.  The doctor's believe there is brain damage but they do not know how much.  They will run additional tests probably on Monday or Tuesday to see exactly.  They took her off the ventilator and she was able to breathe on her own; however, her breaths were shallow and they had to put her on a CPAP machine to assist.  While I was there, this was also not good enough and they had to put an additional forced breath to assist with the oxygen levels.  That addressed the oxygen but not the carbon dioxide which is collecting because she is not exhaling enough.  It was tough getting the ins and outs to breathing as it relates to long-term solutions.  They may have to put the ventilator back in tonight.  Claire did kind of open her eyes a bit.  She also sucked a little on a pacifier.  The doctors removed a tube they put into her umbilical so I could hold her.  I enjoyed holding her and had an enlightened thought.  If she doesn't make it she will be with her Mom and me if she does.  I don't know if making it is good in that case.  I use sarcasm a lot but in all seriousness I am happy knowing that there is a parent on either side to help her.

All of the kids are with me tonight.  I think I may need to get two king beds in my room to hold them all.  We are all shoulder to shoulder.      

26 Dec 2014 (Six days after The Day)

At 5:30 am I awoke to the sound of the shower running.  Madilyn was tossing and turning in the bed beside me.  My alarm went off at 6:00 and by the time 7:00 hit we were all sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast.

Ammon was crying this morning.  He hasn't shown a lot of emotion so far but he opened up to me and we wept together.  He was wondering if mom would look the same when we see her again in Heaven.  I said she would look better.  My wife was dealing with a lot of life challenges and my son recalls many days and nights when my wife would just barricade herself in the bedroom.  He shared how he wanted to see her today and I had to explain how she doesn't look like she normally did and that we were not going to open the casket.  After some good tears he said.. "I think I am done and ready to go now".  So, we hugged and he scampered off to breakfast.

We have to leave in an hour in a half and I'm dreading this day.  We have had an absolute outpouring of love for our little family and today I will be putting my best friend and mother to our children in the ground.  This was not part of the plan.  I just don't understand how everything will work out.  I just want the pain to stop and so far everyone I have spoken to that has experienced this type of loss tells me the pain never leaves but you get stronger.  I cannot visualize living into my 80's without her; however, I can visualize living this week.  Perhaps I just take this one step at a time.  From weeks to months to years.  I just hurt and I now understand why people contemplate suicide.  I told my mom that my kiddos are keeping me strong and physically here.  They are my reason to live.  After all a portion of my wife and me is what made my kids physically so looking at them at times I see my wife.  My mom is and has always been a huge supporter of me.  I don't know how to adequately repay the service she is rendering to my family.  I know she hurts to see me in pain and I hurt knowing I'm causing her pain.  She has gone through so much.  We all miss Jan after all... it is not just me.  I owe her so much.  Anyways... I suppose I should start the day.

9:51 PM

The crowds have left.... the kids are in bed... the house is quiet.  I have picked up the empty cups and attempted to tidy up a bit.  What a horrific day.  I believe that takes the cake for bad days I have experienced.  I had a lot of support for today which is good.  I don't know if I will have such support in the future and that is what is concerning. 

I arrived about an hour early and had a moment with my wife.  Her physical condition had deteriorated and I was convinced further that the casket needed to be closed during the entire ceremony.  I forbid my kids from seeing her.  There was a large crowd that had come to pay their respects.  I was shocked to see people had traveled long distances from Houston as well as towns in Oklahoma.  I saw some of my staff, various managers, and my boss.  I also saw my old boss who now lives in the DFW area.  All had come to support me.  I was extremely touched.  I had on my "I'll deal with my emotions later" face and was able to get through it.  It was not easy as my kids were struggling.  My brother-in-law played the piano beautifully and I also played a secret recording of my wife playing the piano.  Both were beautiful.  The talk I wrote was OK but then again I don't think I would ever be happy with it.  Jan taught me a lesson during funerals.  She always stood during the last song to pay tribute to the dead.  A way of showing respect.  I decided I should do the same for her.  I stood and my family joined me.

Once at the cemetery we were able to have a quick service and the casket was put into a burial vault.  That was tough to see that occur.  I did not stay to see the vault lowered into the ground.  We journeyed back to the house probably close to 2-3 pm.  There was gobs of people and food.  It was chaos until about 9:30 pm.  Now that it is quiet I am beginning to feel again.

Claire is having a tough go.  She has had a bunch more seizures and the neurologist says this is normal and should show down once the bad cells in the brain are flushed out in about 24-48 hrs.  Her ventilator has been increased as well so suffice it to say that I am worried.

For a short moment tonight I felt like my wife was standing beside me in the kitchen.  It was a calming feeling.  I don't know how to describe it other than I felt she was there. 

25 Dec 2014 (Five days after The Day)

Well... opening presents is over.  I'm ready to take down the tree.  I completed writing a talk to be read at Jan's funeral.  I swear nothing I write is going to be good enough.  How do you describe someone you love?  You can share stories and attributes but the feelings themselves are so very difficult to describe.  I received a note from a friend about some challenges he faced when his son died.  I related so much to this.  I'm trying to figure out how to live and not just survive.  It is a new chapter in my life and a new chapter of life... not just survival.  I don't know how I am going to do tomorrow.  I had to bury my father in July and that was one of the hardest things I have experienced.  I didn't even get along with him very well and it was hard.  I was a pallbearer and I wouldn't wish that upon any family member.  It is cruel.  I am still dealing with issues on this when my wife died and now I feel like a complete mess.  My kids are keeping me going.  I love their smiles and laughter.  I love their hugs and compassion for me.  We are helping each other during this time.  It is a tough road.  For those that have not experienced this I suggest likening it to a severely injured arm/leg/etc...  You just don't realize how much you depend on it until you cannot... except this injury just doesn't go away.  From what I understand you just get stronger.

4:10 pm -
I just returned from seeing Claire.  She is so precious.  Her little body is completely warmed back up.  She is having seizures and the doctors are monitoring this.  They expected more activity once her body was back up to temp so the seizures are not unexpected.  With all that being said the next 24 hours is when most of any new activity is expected to occur.  I told the doctors that I would probably not be able to make it tomorrow because of the funeral.  They are understanding and told me that they are available 24/7 by phone anytime I would like an update and that they would call me if something bad occurred.  Previously they gave me a piece of cloth to keep on me or by me so my scent would get on the cloth.  They wanted me to return this to Claire so she could become accustomed to what I smell like.  I was able to return this today.  They also mentioned that in the near future they will be removing the IV in her umbilical cord and I could hold her.  It will be a little bit of healing when I can.  My daughter noticed that my wife's newborn picture and Claire look nearly identical.  When she showed me I had to agree.  It is a little odd that they share the same birthday.  Perhaps that will help me get through that tough time of the year. 

9:52 pm -
I am finally in bed.  This night is Madilyn's night.  She is kinda a magnet to anyone sleeping so good luck to me having any room.  Anyways, I completed the talk and sent it to Kurt who will be reading it for me.  I don't feel it expresses my feelings but then again how do you express all of your feelings for someone in 4 pages of text.  Try it sometime.  It is not that easy.  I am dreading tomorrow.  I am reliving my father's funeral in July in my mind and just want it to be over.  Our family got to a place of peace over the last few days.  My kids were playing with the cousins who came over.  There was the normal chaos of kids running and screaming.  There were still tears but it was better.  I am ready to keep going on this path and I believe the funeral tomorrow will thrust us directly back to the 22nd.  There were heartfelt gifts given by my sister which I know will also trigger a huge emotional reaction.  I don't know.  I'm just trying to do what is right for my kiddos.  I have asked my brother-in-law to play a piano piece for Jan's funeral.  He has been a huge support for her and I am so very grateful for his willingness to play.  I told him he didn't need to but he said he wanted to do this for Jan.  I told him I don't believe any text or speech can describe Jan better than Music from his fingers.  Being an emotionally charged piano piece coupled with an emotionally charged environment is sure to get the buckets of tears flowing.  That was not the intention.  The song (Clair de lune by Debussy) is one of Jan's favorites and one she played beautifully.  To hear that song played again by her brother would represent what we lost.  I suppose I should try to get some sleep before the big day.... until tomorrow.

24 Dec 2014 (Four days after The Day)

Last night my older girls slept in my bed.  I had forgotten about their sleeping habits.  Our oldest would rotate in the bed when she was an infant and needless to say it was entertaining last night.  She didn't rotate but there was a bit of a cover war.  I don't fault them though.  I would want to sleep with my parent if the other had died.

Yesterday I worked with getting the funeral arrangements done.  We had to collect pictures and organize a slide-show for the funeral.  Because my wife had gobs of fluids pumped into her in attempts of saving her life she really doesn't resemble who she looked like so I will be doing a closed casket funeral.  My kids are torn on this but I honestly believe it is for the best.  I don't want them to be scared.  We also collected music to play during the slideshow and at the funeral.  This was most difficult because music is a huge part of our family.  My wife and I are band nerds.  In HS she was the drum major and I was the president.  In college she majored in music and while I didn't I did enjoy playing in the jazz bands there.  So I had collected a few pieces of music that were representative of her.  One was a piano piece I recorded in secret when she was practicing.  The other was of her singing a children's song about how families are to be together forever.  Needless to say I wept when hearing both songs.  I swear the few days after the death of a loved one is pure torture to those that have to arrange this stuff.

Right before we retired for the eventing last night the doorbell rang with a family friend bringing gifts for our kids from their children.  Our girls received necklaces with sweet messages about mothers and my son received a stuffed animal and some flashlights with a note about how "No matter how dark the days may be, whenever you play with this flashlight it will remind you that the light of your mother's love will forever shine in your life, until you meet again."   This was paid for by their children's jar money.  We all wept at the love that has been extended.

I awoke this morning like any morning and came into the living room.  I'm getting email notifications of amazon recommendations for items I purchased for my wife.  I have not begun to work though the Christmas situation.  My wife and I had purchased gifts in advance but as Jeff Foxworthy accurately stated in one of his comedic routines if our wife's were not involved we would be in serious trouble.  "As gifts are being passed out he panics and whispers to his wife.. 'Did you get something for my mother this year?!'"  I have a closet that has gifts unwrapped still in boxes from the shipper.  Who got what?  What was this thing for?  Well, good job Rob.  I guess you will figure it out and nobody will know how much it is screwed up other than Jan who will be looking down on me and asking for heavenly assistance in giving me a prompting for who got what.  I never realized how much I took my wife for granted.  She just did so much.  Her departure still seems like a dream.  It is easier for me to think of her on vacation without a cell phone than actually gone.  I found her purse in the living room.  I didn't think much of it until I realized that she will not be back to tend to it.  It is organized just like she wanted and left just as she had last used it.  I hate to disturb what she last did.  Part of me wants to keep everything the same.  Another wants to completely remove all reminders of her.

I finally got the funeral details set.  For any who wish to attend it is as follows:
Friends are invited to a visitation with the family at 10:00 AM on December 26, 2014 at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 3809 Curt Drive, Arlington, TX 76016. The funeral service will follow at 11:00 AM. Internment will be at Emerald Hills Memorial Park, 500 W. Sublett Road, Kennedale, TX 76060, for family, pallbearers, and their families only.

So I spent the better part of the day getting the funeral details on paper for who would be giving prayers, who would be talking, musical numbers, etc... I realized that I really wanted to share my thoughts and spent time putting something together that would be representative of Jan.

Claire is doing better.  She has had a seizure and meds were given to counteract this but nonetheless her status is much improved over the last time.  She is urinating and her process of reheating after the hypothermia treatment is nearly complete.   She isn't out of the woods yet but the fact that she is barely on a respirator is music to my ears.  I am anxious to hold her.  I am very concerned that she cannot be held.  My oldest daughter was in the NICU for about a month and after she got home we were unable to hold her to help calm her down if she was distraught.  We would put her in her bed and 5 min later she would be calm (and in the process of going to sleep).  Today she is similar in that she is not a cuddlebug like my other kiddos.  Perhaps this is related to the NICU or perhaps it is something else entirely.  I just know if I were in the NICU I would want someone to hold me. 

I finally finished the Christmas package wrapping with my mom and sister and I learned one lesson.  I suck.  I realized all my wife did.  All her planning... all her preparation  was shown tonight.  Her gifts were easy and completely planned and thoughtful while mine were... not.  I found my wife was thoughtful of me as she got me a gift I didn't know about.  I realized my idea of cash for a gift to buy new clothing was good but not thoughtful.  It was more like... "here is some cash because you are not a priority for me to attempt getting you something you would like".  There is nothing personal about cash.  It is almost shown as an obligation.  I wish I could go back in time and correct this dreadful error.  I suppose I never realized the impact it had until she was gone and I saw the gift for what it was.  Just impersonal one size fits all approach to avoid the complexities of caring.

My emotions have been all over the map recently and my inability to accept my wife's departure is issue #1.  My kids are having a very tough time.  I'm staying strong as I can and I don't believe it is good enough.  My heart breaks for them.  I don't have a solution other than to hug them and let them know we will get through this together and that they are not alone.  

Off to bed.  I'm sure there will be tears tomorrow.

23 Dec 2014 (Three days after The Day)

This morning I awoke to a silent house as my alarm went off.  Kids were sleeping, Grandma is sleeping, and my sister is sleeping.  I walked into the living room as I do every day and took in the surroundings.  Christmas tree in the corner of the room.  Couch with jackets and remotes for the TV, toys on the floor, and everything like normal.  I picked up my phone and noticed a lot of activity for this blog and for Facebook.  I started receiving txt messages with concerned friends asking how much money is needed.  I don't know.  We have some life insurance for my wife and this blog wasn't setup to be a "please send us money" campaign.  It is setup for me to vent.  To express what I normally don't.  I don't want to guilt anyone into sending anything to us.  If someone wanted to give some cash then great.  If not, great.  No worries.  You will find my comments are raw as are my feelings.  For those that have donated I do appreciate your doing so.  Many are complete strangers and while that is a bit odd it brings comfort that as humans we wish to help others.  I am humbled by everyone's generosity.

My son came into the living room and we cuddled.  I played with him in his Thomas the train tent.

 We spent a lot of the day getting funeral arrangements made.  Flowers are expensive.  I suppose my wife would just say I am cheap.  But seriously... $700.00 for flowers for an hour of sitting on the casket?  I can only imagine what my wife will say when I see her again... "You are so cheap!... My one special day people celebrate my life an you can't even buy some flowers?!"... so I ended up getting some that were nice but not so expensive.  I thought she would agree that the difference should be spent on the kids.  We got a casket ordered.  We did not go through the funeral home so we got a much better deal.  It looks good.  So we ended up getting everything in order... I think.  I don't know how I would do this without the help of family and friends.  I had the opportunity to go see Jan at the funeral home tonight.  That was very tough.  I didn't think it would be so bad.  I found that when I looked at my wife I saw a portion of me.  A part of me died when she did and I just saw that tonight.  I found myself talking to my wife asking her why she had to die and how that was not part of the deal.  I thought we would grow old together.  We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary in November and I was looking forward to celebrating our 50th.  I thought we would have grand kids running around the house and be the stereotypical old couple where the wife would jabber on about things and the father would grunt every now and then be seriously opinionated on politics and tell you how things should be.  I realized tonight that there will be a different plan.  When we married the words that were spoken were "for time and all eternity".  I still consider myself married as much as when she were here.  So this earthly separation I suppose could be looked at as a much needed reprieve from the chaos in our home.  My sister pointed out that with my wife gone the duties of night-time duties of childcare is now mine.  I'm sure my wife will get a kick out of that.  Since I am a heavy sleeper she may begin haunting me to get me to be a light-sleeper so I can tend to Claire.  Speaking of Claire... she will begin the warming procedure starting tonight.  So far so good.

Lots of tears tonight but overall I am grateful for my kiddos and my family.  I am blown away by the financial support complete strangers have given.  I honestly am without words.

22 Dec 2014 (Two days after The Day)

Jan's heart started to fail and after multiple attempts with CPR, Jan died. I began the onerous task of making funeral arrangements. I went to a funeral home that we had visited when another close friend died and found that funerals are expensive. The cost of getting her body and preparing it for the grave tipped the scales at 12K. After some discussion we were able to get the cost down to around 8K but we still needed to provide a casket and flowers. So, no guilt there... wife dies and you are guilted into paying for something that is for everyone else's benefit... not hers. Our church is providing the location for the viewing and funeral. My sister will be involved in doing the makeup and church friends will be involved in dressing her. Then... on to where to bury her. My wife and I are transplants from Houston so we have no family here. I have grown to love this area and don't see myself moving anytime soon. I want the burial location to be close where our children can visit her. Our first stop landed us in Arlington. The cemetery was surrounded by track housing that reminded me too much of our previous home. I know it sounds dumb but I can imagine the day I die my wife is waiting to have a discussion on the fact that I picked that location. So you can't die twice, right? I was trying to have an open mind... so we found a spot that looked 'ok' and I asked for the pricing. 8K. Yes, my friends, eight thousand dollars. Was it amazing? Was it where you would want to die? Two letters. no. Needless to say the 'tour' ended and we went looking at other cemeteries. That saved a future discussion with Jan. We found another cemetery... kind of rough but better.... then we went to another only to find out it was a private cemetery. So this continued until we found one that looked ok. I wanted to find a place where we could buy two lots. I figured we would need two since I was planting my wife there... I should probably get a spot by her. So, the cost?.... 3K. Ok, much more doable. Still ridiculous but perhaps I am over the sticker shock. I then realize that I may need to get one more. I don't know if my daughter will live and I will want her buried by my wife. So... I get a quote for 3, setup financing, and sign on the dotted line.  Grave markers... nope.  Not yet.  That is another 4K for a normal no frills model.  This entire time my oldest daughter, Emma, has gone with my sister to visit Claire. My other two children, Madilyn and Ammon, have gone fishing with a neighbor. I arrive back home mentally spent. Tons of well wishers have arrived and I barricade myself in my son's room to make calls to people that Jan was close with. Reliving the event with every phone call made a tough conversation even more difficult. Everyone is in shock. Everyone is wondering how I am doing. How am I doing? I am taking the advise I gave to my kids. One day at a time. One minute at a time. One breath at a time. I find myself focused on the financial aspect. I'm frustrated at the fact that short funeral timelines leads to ridiculous pricing.  Do you have life insurance?  If not, be prepared to pay some $$.  I have not even begun to look at medical. So, right now I am looking at costs. I know my wife is in a better place. I know my daughter is being cared for. I have tons of people asking how they can help and while I am frustrated with the invasion of privacy I welcome it with open arms. I find myself sad when I am alone. My kids slept in my bed last night... tonight it is just one daughter, Madilyn. Emma is in her bed and Ammon is sleeping with grandma.  I want my kids to remember their mother. I want to be the best dad in the world.  After a lot of requests I am setting up a PayPal donation thing to help offset the costs where possible.  Lesson learned:  1.)Prepare for the unexpected.  2.) Get more life insurance.  3.)  Purchase burial plots early in life so you can get a decent deal.  4.)  Share your love with others all the time.  You never know when they just may not be with us anymore. 5.) Hug your kids.  Let them know you love them.

21 Dec 2014 (One day after The Day)

The care continued for Jan and Claire.  Jan had gobs of issues since her body was in shock.  Her blood pressure had decreased to about 30/15 and they were giving her gobs of medicines to help this improve along with blood to help with her blood loss. They were able to get her blood pressure to about 60/30 and realized that this course of action was not helping.  They were able to maintain her health (kind of) but were not making any headway on getting her body repaired.  She had lost a lot of blood and she was bleeding faster than they could get new blood into her.  Dialysis was performed to assist in the cleaning of her blood and she started slowly to make improvements. Her blood pressure was low after this and slowly improved back to around 40/20.  The doctors were worried that her heart would stop.

20 Dec 2014 (The Day)

At 3:00 am Jan went into labor.  She felt the baby kick and it was not like any other kick.  She had a feeling this was different.  At 5:00 am she sat by my bed and shared with a smile on her face that "I believe today is the day".  I awoke and smiled.  I was giddy with excitement.  We dropped the kids off with our friends as scheduled and at 8:15 pm through a lot of toil and hard work Claire Michelle Weaver was born.  9 lbs .03 oz.  Claire did not want to breathe on her own and had to have assistance from medical devices. Jan also was extremely weak. Both were whisked off to get medical attention. After a very long wait I was taken to see Claire and informed that Claire had oxygen deprivation to the brain and needed to have a special treatment from a hospital about 45 minutes away.  I approved the transfer.  I administered a Priesthood blessing to her myself and anxiously awaited the outcome and the transfer.  I went back to the waiting room to await information on Jan.  After an hour or so the doctor came in to share that Jan was very sick and her body was in shock.  I was told they were doing all they can to help her.  After many more hours I was told her heart had stopped and they were administering CPR to help her keep going.  After some effort they were able to get her heart pumping again and then started to help the rest of her body recover.  I was able to visit her and with the help of my bishop at church we gave her a Priesthood blessing.  Something had changed in her.  She was physically there but she appeared different.


Note: My View