6 Jan 2015 (17 days after The Day)

6:38 am -

I slept.  It wasn't huge but I slept.  Perhaps it is exhaustion or my mind finally giving in to the fact that sleep is helpful.  Either way I slept.  I'm going to do get some work done while the house is quiet.  We had a family friend recommend Amazon Prime.  Because my time is extremely limited now I am giving it a whirl.  I can have my stuff shipped to where I work and just bring it home like I would from the store.  It is great.  One less errand I have to run.  Time management seems to be key these days.  I can no longer just do an activity and not worry about what else is going on.  Jan and I would trade off on various activities.  Sometimes she would be exhausted sleeping in our bedroom and I would do my best to just manage the chaos in the home.  I would work late at times and arrive home to the kids already fed.  Now every minute matters.  Every day is important.  I spent the better part the last 17 days thinking of all I would have done differently before all this occurred.  The phrase "If Only" is not healing.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  I have made my fair share of blunders in this life and the decision to live is a pinnacle one.

Another interesting effect of this life event for me is I no longer fear death.  I honestly do not.  With the departure of my wife and other loved ones over the years I can honestly say I welcome it when it is my time to go.  My belief in what happens after you die has been tested many times and this event has made an impression on me.  I just know that death is a threshold we must all pass through and any anxiety I had has now departed.  I welcome joining my loved ones when it is my time.  It is a weird feeling because while I welcome being able to see my wife I do not want to leave my kids.  I told them I will be there and I will, Lord willing, to see them through this life.  I still don't know how I am going to do this.  I was reminded yesterday from a person who went through this exact issue that you take it one day at a time.  For me, that is difficult so I am taking it a few hours at a time.  I believe this will lead to days to weeks to years and so forth.  For now I am just breathing.


10:19 pm -

What a day.  I never realized how much talking about what happened can drain you physically.  I felt like I was Harry Potter facing a dementor.  It is probably because my communications about everything consumed much of the day.  When it was over I just collapsed on my bed.  I felt physically weak.  It was a very weird sensation. 

I reviewed a few of the audio files of Jan and found one of her playing the piano.  It was good to hear her play.  I then found one of her singing the Italian song Se tu m'ami, se sospiri by Giovanni B. Pergolesi.  That is always a fun memory of her singing in different languages.  I then found one of her tickling Ammon.  Sound clips like this just take me back.  It is like something triggers the senses and says "here is a vivid memory you buried from way back when."  My sense of smell has diminished over the years but I recall how certain smells would remind me of elementary school or perhaps my Grandmother.  The experience tonight with music was the same.  It was as if I was picked up and placed back in time when the recording happened.  So... here we go again.  Both good and bad came from this.  Good memories followed by sadness. 

Grandma went to visit Claire.  She snagged this photo when Claire was alert.  First time for her to have her eyes open with Grandma and I wasn't there to see it.  She is a cute kid though!
 

   

We finished the book Hatchet tonight and Ammon and Madilyn are back in my bed.  Both are sleeping hard.  I'm glad they are able to sleep. Having the TV turned off has been a huge blessing.  We stopped watching normal TV in 2009 and got Netflix.  We found that was a little addicting when new episodes came out.  We would say "oh boy!  Another season of Eureka is out!"... so we knew what our weekend was going to entail but this drained our ability to be mentally present for our kids not to mention that once the marathon was finished we went through withdrawals on the show until the next season was released.  When we started reading as a family that helped bring us together.  We read Around the World in 80 Days, The Hobbit, and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.  We read lots of varied books and poems from Shel Silverstein to Beowulf and found that our kids would learn and get excited as we experienced these magical worlds together.  I wouldn't trade those days for anything.  I can't say the same for our Netflix experience although Netflix can be therapeutic if you need some catatonic time.  I suppose I should retire for the evening.  Until tomorrow...

5 Jan 2015 (16 days after The Day)

5:33 am -
Up for an hour.  TV on.... tired but not sleepy.  Today is a new day.  Starting back to a new old schedule.  Here is hoping for composure. -

5:00 pm
Well, I went into work early.  I was able to get some stuff done but wow ... what a difficult day.  I say difficult because I feel I can do a pretty good job at getting through a tough situation but that was trying.  During the day I got a call from one of the doctors there in the NICU calmly describing how they were going to reverse some of the decisions made about Claire.... things that I fought to get in place.  The last wishes of Jan.  My oldest sister uses a phrase "you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar" to mean I should not chomp off people's head if I disagree (i.e being polite will go further than being rude).  I suppose I don't have much politeness left in me.  Perhaps this entire situation has drained me of this.  It may have been coupled with my perceived attitude of the doctor...  My emotional state at the moment didn't respond well with individuals I perceived to lack humility.  I don't know which but luckily the decisions were reversed after some discussion.   I went from that conversation to one where I work regarding some new locations coming online.  For a profession I am in IT.  I deal with technology and business.  I help companies make money using technology so in a way I am an IT guy that speaks business and also a business guy that speaks IT.  Anyways, we have another location that we are assisting with the use of technology and it is one of those meetings that involves all the key players.  Luckily it was the first and went quickly.  I left feeling my emotional bank account was overdrawn again.

In all that is going on and how sad the situation is there is much to be thankful for.  My children are doing alright although I think we could all use some counseling.  My mom has shifted her life around to assist me during this time.  I have support for some of the kids schooling activities.  My work life is manageable.  I have prayers being sent our direction all the time.  I have a PayPal account that collects donations from complete strangers as well as those I know.  The generosity of everyone has been so humbling.  I received the first bill for Jan's ICU stay.  I almost fainted at the cost but luckily insurance discounted this heavily so I only owe a small fraction.  I know that is not including any bill from Claire and there are still other specialists that dealt with Jan but it is comforting knowing that the bulk of Jan's bills were discounted.

9:55 pm  -
I finished getting the craft/library room emptied enough for a bed to arrive tomorrow for grandma.  I found a silly gift given to me by my wife years ago.  It is just a picture of "Mr. Incredible" from the Pixar movie "The Incredibles".  My wife took a permanent marker and wrote a message about me being a "super" and "Mr. Incredible".  I laughed when I got it and I laughed tonight.  I appreciate my wife's faith in me.  Perhaps that is what I need more of to get through all of this.

We are nearing the end of the book "Hatchet" that we started a few days ago as a family.  For those that don't know the book is about a young man who is in a single prop plane being flown to a remote part of Canada from NY to visit his father and somewhere over the Canadian wilderness the pilot has a heart attack and dies.  This young man survives the plane crash and the book documents his learning experiences through the ordeal.  A part resonated with me tonight in the book.  When a search plane comes near he does what he can to get the pilot's attention but ends up alone once again. He realizes that it is unlikely the plane will ever be back.  It was a pivotal point for this young man where he becomes different.  He decides to live.  He gave up on the hope of being rescued but not life.  I am hoping for a magic thing that snaps me out of the quicksand of loneliness where I decide to live.  I'm sure it will come with time.  After all, that is what the refiner's fire is all about.  Softening the metal to make it easier to work with.  I believe the Good Lord is helping me be better and I just pray I can stay humble enough so when the licks come they don't hurt so bad.  (i.e. I can be molded into a better me).

Tonight is Emma's turn to sleep in my bed.  We will see what tomorrow brings.

4 Jan 2015 (15 days after The Day)

4:52 am -

  So I dreamt last night that Jan was alive and she and I had a disagreement.  I felt in the dream the same way I always felt after any disagreement.  Funny but that was good to help me function today.  I will be going to attend church today.  This will be an interesting step for me and my family.

I'm going over my wife's email.  I'm trying to get caught up on all aspects of our home that she was involved with.  She liked to subscribe to lots of company emails.   I spent about an hour deleting over 500+ ads from various stores.  I spent another removing her registration from these stores.

My wife was also involved in schooling our kids and I am swamped with all that was involved there.  Suffice it to say I am humbled by all that she did.


9:54 pm -

Today was another wave of sadness.  I suppose it will come in waves.  We all went to church and then to see Claire.  It was good.  My kids had to wear protective clothing and face masks to protect Claire from infection.  This was the first time my kids were all together.  The first family pic.  :-)  We all smiled.

It was simple joy that came during our visit to see Claire.  Once back home the reality hit me and some of my kids again.  It just goes in waves.  To quote Tom Hanks in the movie Cast Away - "Tomorrow I have to keep breathing because the sun will rise and who knows what the tide will bring."
 

3 Jan 2015 (14 days after The Day)

6:44 am -
Another night just as good as the night before.  I think it is mixture of kids and the situation.  I've started reading the scriptures again.  I took a break for about 15 years.  I have read them on and off over the years but had trouble making reading a habit when my wife was going through her life challenges.  Suffice it to say that God and I have had many heart-to-heart conversations over the last 20 years.

Prior to my wife's departure I would speak with her about challenges at work and outside of work.  These challenges I felt stretched me as far as I could go mentally without snapping.  I try to be composed at all times and my wife did a very good job listening to me.  She would also give good council.  I always teased her that if she were in the corporate world she would probably be an executive at some big company.  She was a natural leader.  This attribute assisted me in getting my head straight on challenges.  With her departure came a new level of enlightenment.  Insights about her.... about me.... and about life in general.  What is really important?  I believe these challenges have highlighted that.  I work only about 1.5 miles from where I live and I appreciate all the times I was able to eat lunch with my family.  Previous to this when I lived in Houston I would commute about 40 miles one way to work which made coming home for lunch impractical.  This commute also limited my time with my family.  Relocating to Arlington changed all that.  This new normal without Jan is going to take some time adjusting to.

I'm having to go through and box all of my wife's clothing.  I didn't think that would be difficult but it is heart wrenching.  I mean let's get real... women have more clothes than men.  I heard a comedian once say that "women's clothes are like a professional sports team... they have to make the cut each year.  Men's clothing on the other hand is  not that way... when a man gets clothes they sign a lifetime contract."  I have to make room for the cleaning of the library/craft room.  I have to determine what is going in my closet and what is going in the attic.  I have read online about widowers and their inability to move forward.  They have left their homes exactly as they were when their wife was there.  I totally get that.  Keeping it the same keeps the person around longer.  From an outsider's point of view it is creepy.  I get that too.  I've got to heal and if that means removing clothing to make room for stuff then I will use that excuse to further my healing.  Nobody said healing was easy and I'm not waiting around for the improbable chance that it will magically become easy.  I'm tackling this issue one day at a time.  Today it is clothing.

9:44 pm -

Well, 2 boxes and 10 bags later I have the closet and dresser cleaned out of clothes.  That brought more memories for the kids and now we are all reliving everything over again.  Emma is going to pick out some of the clothes to make a quilt.  I'm fine with that.  I told her, Madilyn, and Ammon that the remaining clothes are leaving permanently once each has gone through and picked whatever they want.  It is just too painful to have her clothing around.

We went to see Claire.  She is doing very well.  I fed her and she downed 3 oz.  I'm so very happy for her recovery.  She was awake this morning and the NICU staff put her in a swing.  She was looking around.  When we got there she was sleeping.  Tomorrow we will take the entire family to go see her.  It should be really good for Madilyn and Ammon.  It will be their first time to see her.  I'll get a family pic.  Here is the one from today's visit.

 

 

2 Jan 2015 (13 days after The Day)

7:53 am -

Last night was rough.  Slept about 6 hrs... got up and watched a movie.  It is amazing how the TV has numbing powers.  To feel takes determination.  To heal takes facing reality.  There is a quote I like which goes like this.  "Truth is what it is".... meaning you can make believe the Sun is made of cheese but it won't do much good to you to live in the land of Peter Pan if you cannot accept reality.  I suppose I am beginning to realize that the Sun is not made of cheese and it is time for me to accept that fact and all that it entails.  This is a hard reality.  The inability to accept reality just means I will endure pain longer.  To endure has a different meaning.  As a believer of Christ I believe one must endure pains of this life and press forward.  Don't get me wrong, I think life has both joy and heartache; however, experiencing heartache has a positive side.  During this process I believe we will develop the capacity to love greater than before and with that capacity we can begin to serve others fully.  I believe that is what the word "charity" means as it is written in the Bible.  I just had no idea what depth consists in the word  "endure".

It is like a race that has no end with you getting support from your fellow runners when times are tough.  You learn to enjoy the time running and with them but then a race official tells those with whom you are running that the race is over for them.... but not you.  Where is the finish line?  How much longer do I have to go?  I suppose that is the reality I have to accept.  I just don't know how much longer.  I need to relearn how to just enjoy the time.  Claire is 14 days old.  I hope to be able to hold her children when she is a mother.  She may not have a mother in this life but she will have a father.  She will have the best I can offer which is my life.  All of my children will have all I have to offer and when the good Lord feels fit to bring me home I think he and my wife will be happy at my determination to live.... yet letting go of my wife and choosing to live is the single hardest thing I have done.  Period.

I reflect on a quote by Harold B. Lee

There is only one day that you and I have to live and that's today. There is nothing we can do about yesterday except repent, and there may be no tomorrows. The thing for us to do when we arise from our beds as God gives us a new day, is to pray that whatever comes to our hands, we will do it to the best of our ability.

10:14 pm -

  We went to see Claire.  She is doing well.  She needs to eat a certain volume for the hospital to be willing to release her which doesn't make sense because when my kids eat as infants they eat and then fall asleep.  Claire is no different.  I recall my wife striving to get them to wake up and eat.  This corrected itself when they establish normal eating routines but apparently Claire needs to be able to do this prior to leaving.  Here is a pic of her just after she ate today.  She is such a bundle of joy and doing so much better!!  I wish my wife was here to enjoy this. 

  
Tomorrow I will start the process of cleaning out the craft/library room to make room for my mom's bed.  I thought I would get to that today but it just didn't happen.

Tonight we started reading a family book "Hatchet" by Gary Paulsen.   We have read as a family off and on for the past few years and it brings a good spirit into our home.  We are big into spending time together so this was good to start this up again and have the TV off.  I have Madilyn and Ammon again in my bed.  I think this may be the new normal.

1 Jan 2015 (12 days after The Day)

6:42 am -
The rain is falling and the house is quiet.  My son is cuddling with me on the couch and he is watching some Lego cartoon.  My daughters stayed up last night to see in the new year but my son and I went to sleep.  I am thrilled at the news of Claire's health improving.  I depended upon my wife to take care of the home life and since her passing I have been buried with details I have not had to worry with much.  To say I took her for granted is an understatement.  With Claire coming home there are more questions.  I just have a lot of details that will need to be worked through.  I have a lot of support from family and friends so that is very helpful as I embark on this new chapter.  It still doesn't seem real.

9:20 pm -

I went with grandma today to get a bed.  Now that is done I will need to start identifying and relocating things out of the library/craft room to make room for her new bed.

I suppose I am going through phases.  Today really hit me that Jan is gone.  I am very frustrated at that fact.  Yes, I love her dearly but I am frustrated that I am here and she is not.  There is so much we did together as a team.  I'm not talking about yard work vs. laundry.  I'm talking about planning our children's lives and their needs.  We worked with each one and discussed each one together.  I realized today that from now on it is me alone.  I'm frustrated because this is unfair to Claire, Ammon, Madilyn, and Emma.  It is unfair to me.  I know that getting frustrated is like spinning your tires when your vehicle is stuck.  It may feel good but it will get you nowhere.  Jan and I used to watch Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls on Netflix from time to time (I know, I know.  The comment that is next out of your mouth is " but that is staged..."  Yes it is.  And so what.)  She and I were always impressed with Bear's resourcefulness and planning in the wilderness.  Yes he would eat bugs and drink urine but what he did was say "If you want to stay alive, here is something I learned from ...."  or "if you need to work out what direction is North do this...".   Right now I feel that is the resourcefulness I am missing in my life.  I need to stop spinning my tires and get a plan.  I plan things at work and don't understand why this plan is so different.  Perhaps it is because you never anticipate actually having to execute it.  Sure, I have accidental dismemberment insurance at work but I don't actually believe I will ever use it.  The issue I am dealing with is accepting reality and moving on.  I feel close to Jan by not moving forward.  Seriously... by not moving.  I found some laundry tonight that was hers that needed to be cleaned and hesitated putting it in the washer because it would be the last time I did.  I hesitated.  I suppose the good thing is I am acknowledging this is weird.  The longer I don't change something the shorter the time feels that she has been gone.  I don't know how to say it other than I feel like a part of me died too and I'm trying to determine what the plan is moving forward and how to keep that part of me from dying too even though it already occurred.

I saw Claire tonight.  She is moved to a nursery outside of the primary NICU but still in NICU.  She is in a crib.  She is so precious and cute and her health is much improved.   I am so anxious for her to come home.
     

31 Dec 2014 (11 days after The Day)

7:00 am

Before retiring last night we took down the tree and cleaned up.  All the reminders I thought would be put away and we all could begin anew.  I walked into the dark living room only to realize that I will always have reminders.  I swear this pain doesn't stop.  The whirlwind of activity over the last 11 days has left little time for feeling.  Today I am working on decking my attic for additional storage to offset the shortage we have with grandma moving in for a while.  I welcome these projects and at the same time I find myself sitting and staring into nothing.  Sitting catatonic in a chair seems to be more of a normal thing these days.  I easily snap out when my kids come around or some activity demands my attention.  I wonder how this new normal will look.  All the activity has given me a little amnesia on Jan which has helped.  I reflected on the title of a book Jan has called "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die".  I spoke with her in detail about this concept prior to her passing and feel it is my turn to experience this awful truth first hand.  I can put on a poker face as good as the next guy but no matter how good the reality is I have a raw unhealed wound that I have neglected to address.  I suppose in life we all put on our "happy faces" and when someone asks "How you doin'?"  the appropriate reply is "Good, and you?" or perhaps just a head nod.  Some people really don't want to know because most people are without resources to assist.  How do you lift someone up when you are not above them?  Some people are genuinely caring and their desire for your welfare is self-evident in their normal day-to-day interactions.  Others my really care but not know how to help leading to awkward interactions.  How do you begin to process this pain?   I know... I know... Counseling.  Perhaps that is a good start.  This blog has been healing for me.  I get tickled to find out people are actively reading this stuff.  I never thought I would have a following for this type of venting.  Perhaps everyone relates a little to my tirades.  I did not think this would be my shtick but it has brought more healing than anything else.

Well - it is 8:00 and the house is still dark.  I suppose now is a good enough time to start the process of getting breakfast going.

8:27 pm
Got my attic decked.... partially.  Went to see Claire and she is doing so well!  The NICU is moving her to a less critical area of NICU.  How fun!  Below is a pic of Emma holding Claire.  We are just waiting on her to improve her eating volume and she will be home!  Thank you for everyone's prayers!

My kids convinced me to stay up to 12:00 to see in the new year.  I completely forgot what day it was.  This is just a nice change to all the horrific events of the last few days.