Today I am dealing with anger. I am angry because I don't want this to be the new reality. I realize it is and I am pissed. It is childish, I know, and I have no other words to describe my feelings. I'm two steps away from a temper tantrum. This reminds me of something my kids would do when they were three. Nothing like having that as a feeling when you are nearly forty years old. I'm snapping at my kids and just irritated.
I find myself wanting to do something to take my mind off of things. Watch TV? Nope. Aimlessly surf the net? Nope. Play the saxophone? Nope. Program the Arduino? Nope. Nothing seems to fit. The closest thing I found was just walking by myself. I just feel lost and alone.
On that note, I'm going to bed.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
13 April 2015 (114 days after The Day)
Another whirlwind of a day. Tons of projects moving concurrently at work, grandma gets Ammon to Tae Kwon Do, and then get the lawn mowed. After getting cleaned up and eating dinner my kids notice a neighbors cat in a tree. I guess I am a sucker for my kids pleading. We head over to the neighbors to coordinate getting the cat and luckily the neighbor indicated that the cat in the tree is a normal thing and he comes down at night. So we watch a few short videos as a family and then get everyone in bed. Claire decides to wake up and grandma and I take turns getting her asleep. So, here it is at 10 pm and I am just now sitting alone in the living room.
I've been thinking about life after death. If our loved ones are really hanging out with us after death I wonder what they do. The thought of Jan hanging out with me and the kids brings a bit of comfort and also sadness. I miss her terribly. What will I say when I see her again? I have a feeling that there is nothing I can say that will be news to her.
I've been thinking about life after death. If our loved ones are really hanging out with us after death I wonder what they do. The thought of Jan hanging out with me and the kids brings a bit of comfort and also sadness. I miss her terribly. What will I say when I see her again? I have a feeling that there is nothing I can say that will be news to her.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
12 April 2015 (113 days after The Day)
Well, today I set a date for Madilyn's baptism and Claire's baby blessing. It will be April 25 and 26th. At church we believe a child can be baptized at the age of 8 and older. This is because we believe they need to know the difference between right and wrong and make that decision on their own. With Madilyn, Jan and I took time and wanted to ensure she understood what she was doing. I can honestly say I believe she is making this decision on her own and not out of any other outside influence. I'm sure Jan will also be in attendance with such a happy day.
Today I did something I have never done. I took time to do something just for me. I went on a walk.. alone. I walked about 3 miles and just took my time. I thought my mind would swirl in the memories of Jan. They didn't. I did think of her when I got to a park we would take the kids to. I recall some of the fun memories we made racing each other on the track. I smiled as I walked by those areas. I've been thinking on my friend's death and how tragic the entire situation is. It is a bit difficult for me because again I reflect on those I have been really close with in my life and find myself alone. I anticipated this may occur in my life but I assumed I would be in my 80's. I am left to think "now what?" I am at a crossroads so to speak and working out how to move forward.
Tomorrow is therapy. I want to heal and at the same time it is a bitter cup to drink.
Today I did something I have never done. I took time to do something just for me. I went on a walk.. alone. I walked about 3 miles and just took my time. I thought my mind would swirl in the memories of Jan. They didn't. I did think of her when I got to a park we would take the kids to. I recall some of the fun memories we made racing each other on the track. I smiled as I walked by those areas. I've been thinking on my friend's death and how tragic the entire situation is. It is a bit difficult for me because again I reflect on those I have been really close with in my life and find myself alone. I anticipated this may occur in my life but I assumed I would be in my 80's. I am left to think "now what?" I am at a crossroads so to speak and working out how to move forward.
Tomorrow is therapy. I want to heal and at the same time it is a bitter cup to drink.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
11 April 2015 (112 days after The Day)
The drive back was tiring. I forgot about the wind-farm that is on the way. There seemed to be hundreds of wind turbines. They are so incredibly huge!
I finally got back and stopped by Jan's grave to have a chat. All this death has really had me reflecting much internally and I needed to stop by and chat with her. After getting a haircut I came home and am finally sitting down. Madilyn has a soccer game we will leave for in 15 min so this day just keeps going strong.
Madilyn's game ended and grandma ordered pizza for everyone to eat. It was a nice break not to have to fix dinner and I am so thankful for all the support.
After dinner I took Ammon to get a haircut and now that everyone is settled down, I'm going to bed.
I finally got back and stopped by Jan's grave to have a chat. All this death has really had me reflecting much internally and I needed to stop by and chat with her. After getting a haircut I came home and am finally sitting down. Madilyn has a soccer game we will leave for in 15 min so this day just keeps going strong.
Madilyn's game ended and grandma ordered pizza for everyone to eat. It was a nice break not to have to fix dinner and I am so thankful for all the support.
After dinner I took Ammon to get a haircut and now that everyone is settled down, I'm going to bed.
10 April 2015 (111 days after The Day)
I forgot how long of a drive it was to Lubbock. Phew. I then drove by my old homes. The first home Jan and I purchased that was a foreclosure and fixed up and the very first home we ever lived in which was a 816 sq/ft rental home. The neighborhoods looked very similar. It was very tough seeing these homes. Lots of memories. Lots of emotion. I probably looked like a stalker taking pictures of these homes but they just brought back a gob of music.
I then went on campus and walked to all the main areas where Jan and I would be. That was really really tough. I took a detour and stopped by the advising center where I worked when I went there. The entire staff had turned over so nobody knew who I was. I asked if they were still using the AXIS software system I wrote and they were! The was able to speak with the director there about AXIS and before I knew it I ended up talking to a few different people about it. I was just blown away that it is still being used. How cool is that!?!
I tracked down some of my old work associates that had moved jobs and popped in on them. It was very good catching up.
I went to the memorial and that was very hard on me. I saw everyone from both sides of his family and it was very good to see everyone. It was both happy and sad. I went to dinner afterwards with my friend's wife and a couple of her friends. By the time the night ended I was completely exhausted.
I don't think I really stopped to feel much.
I then went on campus and walked to all the main areas where Jan and I would be. That was really really tough. I took a detour and stopped by the advising center where I worked when I went there. The entire staff had turned over so nobody knew who I was. I asked if they were still using the AXIS software system I wrote and they were! The was able to speak with the director there about AXIS and before I knew it I ended up talking to a few different people about it. I was just blown away that it is still being used. How cool is that!?!
I tracked down some of my old work associates that had moved jobs and popped in on them. It was very good catching up.
I went to the memorial and that was very hard on me. I saw everyone from both sides of his family and it was very good to see everyone. It was both happy and sad. I went to dinner afterwards with my friend's wife and a couple of her friends. By the time the night ended I was completely exhausted.
I don't think I really stopped to feel much.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
09 April 2015 (110 days after The Day)
Grandma is back. I will go to a memorial tomorrow in Lubbock, TX and I am both looking forward to it and dreading it. Today was another whirlwind. I feel like a broken record when I say that. It is as if I said "I got out of bed today". It seems so normal that not running around with my hair on fire is abnormal.
My kids seem to have super-human powers. I'm crumbling and they just step up and give me a hug. I snap at them and they give me a hug. I can't remember what is going on in the day and they remind me with kindness. I can learn a lot from my kids. They really are vessels of love.
I'm going to sleep tonight sad. Sad seems to have a selfish ring to it. I'm filled with sorrow and I just miss Jan. I'm going to Lubbock and that will have many memories for me. I will take a stroll around campus and take in the memories. It has been many moons since I was there. I don't know how I will do there. Some parts of the campus remind me of my classes there while other places just remind me of Jan. I still remember when Jan would sing O Fortuna from Carmina Burana. I would tease her that the Latin words she would sing in the choir sounded a lot like "some crackers and cheese". I still recall how Jan would laugh in the choir when she would spot me in the audience. She would sing and I would mouth "some crackers and cheese" and her poker face just melted away. I'm surprised she didn't get more upset with me but we both giggled at it. Just typing this brings back a smile.
On that note, I will retire for the evening.
My kids seem to have super-human powers. I'm crumbling and they just step up and give me a hug. I snap at them and they give me a hug. I can't remember what is going on in the day and they remind me with kindness. I can learn a lot from my kids. They really are vessels of love.
I'm going to sleep tonight sad. Sad seems to have a selfish ring to it. I'm filled with sorrow and I just miss Jan. I'm going to Lubbock and that will have many memories for me. I will take a stroll around campus and take in the memories. It has been many moons since I was there. I don't know how I will do there. Some parts of the campus remind me of my classes there while other places just remind me of Jan. I still remember when Jan would sing O Fortuna from Carmina Burana. I would tease her that the Latin words she would sing in the choir sounded a lot like "some crackers and cheese". I still recall how Jan would laugh in the choir when she would spot me in the audience. She would sing and I would mouth "some crackers and cheese" and her poker face just melted away. I'm surprised she didn't get more upset with me but we both giggled at it. Just typing this brings back a smile.
On that note, I will retire for the evening.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
08 April 2015 (109 days after The Day)
Exhaustion. I don't know how I keep going. I think on my childhood friend and Jan. I wonder what else life has in store. I seriously feel stretched thin. So. Very. Thin.
My therapist mentioned that me having some time for myself would be good. I honestly think that a time will come when I have a moment and I just fall apart. I just don't have any time to feel. Is that not the strangest comment? It is so very true. Feeling is essential for healing but it takes so much time, energy, and effort. It is like someone said to gain wisdom you need to learn to catch a fish with your bare hands but you are hungry and it is so much easier to just use a fishing pole.
Claire has been fighting congestion. She is fighting it so badly that she vomited again tonight. I feel bad for her. She is breathing easier tonight so I'm hoping for the best. I hope she is able to get some sleep! And on that note, I'll write more tomorrow. Goodnight.
My therapist mentioned that me having some time for myself would be good. I honestly think that a time will come when I have a moment and I just fall apart. I just don't have any time to feel. Is that not the strangest comment? It is so very true. Feeling is essential for healing but it takes so much time, energy, and effort. It is like someone said to gain wisdom you need to learn to catch a fish with your bare hands but you are hungry and it is so much easier to just use a fishing pole.
Claire has been fighting congestion. She is fighting it so badly that she vomited again tonight. I feel bad for her. She is breathing easier tonight so I'm hoping for the best. I hope she is able to get some sleep! And on that note, I'll write more tomorrow. Goodnight.
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