We all went to group counseling tonight. I was able to get someone to watch Claire so this was the first time I was able to really participate in the group. It was really good to hear from others the very challenges I am facing. I didn't feel so alone. Everyone there had a spouse that had passed away. All different types of ways but the reality of what that means resonated with everyone. It was good to be able to go.
So, again I find myself sitting in this rocking chair typing away. Tonight we discussed forgiveness as it relates to grief. One of the epiphanies I had was that often it is difficult to grieve if you feel justified to not forgive. I went through this with the death of my father and it took a while before I was ready to really let go. I don't believe I have any grudges with Jan. Sure, I am frustrated that she is not here but I am very glad she is in a place of healing. I would much rather her be whole there than shattered here.
I'm off to do some schedule planning so until tomorrow -
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Monday, April 6, 2015
06 April 2015 (107 days after The Day)
Well another "how did I get through that?" type of day is drawing to a close. Claire has started sleeping more during the day. Tonight she started her big feed schedule as normal around 6 and just flat refused to burp. By 8:00 I had to give her medicine and around 8:15 after taking more milk... the gurgle started. That infamous gas bubble that only ends in an eruption. I didn't have time to get to the sink so I just tried to aim it more on me so I could easily clean it up rather than have it all over the furniture. My kids were like "ewwwww! That's Gross!!" I told them they all had done this. Madilyn cleaned up the milk that she emptied from her stomach and I got her changed. Claire had this silly grin on her face when I was changing her. She just felt better. Who wouldn't?! The life of a parent. Memories that just make you smile later on. I'm sure my kids will never let Claire forget the time she puked all over me. As I type this I smile.
My mom is heading back up to my home. Her lung collapsed a few weeks ago and she got patched up. She is now heading North again towards the end of this week. It will be good to see her again.
I have felt like Jan is close these days. No way to explain it other than a feeling like if I had my eyes closed I would swear she was in the room but when I open them it is just me and my kids. Anyways.... it is a good feeling.
I'm off to do some laundry and then to bed. More adventures to come tomorrow I am sure.
My mom is heading back up to my home. Her lung collapsed a few weeks ago and she got patched up. She is now heading North again towards the end of this week. It will be good to see her again.
I have felt like Jan is close these days. No way to explain it other than a feeling like if I had my eyes closed I would swear she was in the room but when I open them it is just me and my kids. Anyways.... it is a good feeling.
I'm off to do some laundry and then to bed. More adventures to come tomorrow I am sure.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
05 April 2015 (106 days after The Day)
Happy Easter!
The day was yet another day I stumbled through. I completely spaced getting any kind of Easter basket of goodies. No. That was something Jan did and something I just completely forgot. So, I suppose my kids had a real lesson on Easter. They awoke to find nothing. I know that is a lame excuse to not have baskets and in all honesty I just completely forgot. I am working to improve that but it is further down in queue. I'm still working on smaller but normal issues ... like shopping for food. I found I can knock that out during my lunch hour but it takes a bit of planning. I found that Amazon is my friend for some products allowing me to ship it to an address that will be safe until I can pick it up later. I am still trying to figure out how to juggle the kids activities. I really just need to clone myself.
So, today I watched the second half of the semi-annual general conference that my church broadcasts. I have a Roku at my home and picked up the right channel to stream it live. That is convenience. I found that I was bitter during the broadcast. I think maybe that this was one of the "firsts" that I have to go through. First Easter. First General Conference. I snapped at my kids again and ended up apologizing. I guess I am getting good at that. I am striving to just calm myself and today proved difficult in that area. I just feel a bit cheated with how things turned out. I keep reminding myself that those feelings and frustrations are not helpful to my kids and they are in pain too.
Madilyn and I took a moment and went through a tutorial on the Arduino. For those that don't know the Arduino is like adult Legos but using electrical circuits. We both read the tutorial and followed the instructions. I think this will be a great learning tool for her. I am excited for her. She and Ammon have gobs of ideas. The first is creating a misting tool to spray the cats so they don't meow at the door. One cat has a bad habit since she was first born of just meowing ALL THE TIME. Much of this has been addressed with getting her spayed and then medication later. She has an over active thyroid making her constantly hungry. I think it is funny the things that inspire my kids to learn. Apparently a cat that meows all the time is doing the trick.
I recall Jan feeling like she didn't want to go to sleep because tomorrow would come faster. I thought that was odd at the time but I totally get it now. More challenges and trials. This is the first time today that the house is quiet and I need that. I was able to clean up the mountain of papers in my kitchen and so far I have the living room and kitchen somewhat in order. That is progress.
I am tired. I'm going to bed.
The day was yet another day I stumbled through. I completely spaced getting any kind of Easter basket of goodies. No. That was something Jan did and something I just completely forgot. So, I suppose my kids had a real lesson on Easter. They awoke to find nothing. I know that is a lame excuse to not have baskets and in all honesty I just completely forgot. I am working to improve that but it is further down in queue. I'm still working on smaller but normal issues ... like shopping for food. I found I can knock that out during my lunch hour but it takes a bit of planning. I found that Amazon is my friend for some products allowing me to ship it to an address that will be safe until I can pick it up later. I am still trying to figure out how to juggle the kids activities. I really just need to clone myself.
So, today I watched the second half of the semi-annual general conference that my church broadcasts. I have a Roku at my home and picked up the right channel to stream it live. That is convenience. I found that I was bitter during the broadcast. I think maybe that this was one of the "firsts" that I have to go through. First Easter. First General Conference. I snapped at my kids again and ended up apologizing. I guess I am getting good at that. I am striving to just calm myself and today proved difficult in that area. I just feel a bit cheated with how things turned out. I keep reminding myself that those feelings and frustrations are not helpful to my kids and they are in pain too.
Madilyn and I took a moment and went through a tutorial on the Arduino. For those that don't know the Arduino is like adult Legos but using electrical circuits. We both read the tutorial and followed the instructions. I think this will be a great learning tool for her. I am excited for her. She and Ammon have gobs of ideas. The first is creating a misting tool to spray the cats so they don't meow at the door. One cat has a bad habit since she was first born of just meowing ALL THE TIME. Much of this has been addressed with getting her spayed and then medication later. She has an over active thyroid making her constantly hungry. I think it is funny the things that inspire my kids to learn. Apparently a cat that meows all the time is doing the trick.
I recall Jan feeling like she didn't want to go to sleep because tomorrow would come faster. I thought that was odd at the time but I totally get it now. More challenges and trials. This is the first time today that the house is quiet and I need that. I was able to clean up the mountain of papers in my kitchen and so far I have the living room and kitchen somewhat in order. That is progress.
I am tired. I'm going to bed.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
04 April 2015 (105 days after The Day)
Today was a bit calmer than most Saturdays. I took Ammon to Tae Kwon Do. Took the kids to hunt Easter eggs with the neighbor. Watched a church conference on TV and that was about it. Claire is having a tough time going to sleep tonight and I am spent mentally. I don't know what triggered me today but I just really really miss Jan. I'm struggling more than normal and I am just wanting this struggle to end. I suppose it is the culmination of a lot of pain but regardless this is a rough place to be. I snapped at my kids tonight over the smallest things. That led to them snapping at each other more than they normally do. I sent everyone to bed. After they were in bed I went and I apologized. That helped everyone feel a bit better. I find myself exhausted these days. I don't know why. I'm off to check on all the kids and go to sleep myself.
Friday, April 3, 2015
03 April 2015 (104 days after The Day)
I found out late last night that the memorial service for my childhood friend would be this morning. I just didn't know how to get there having to juggle my kids. I went to sleep last night sad and frustrated. This morning I awoke to find out that there is also a viewing going on five hours away from where I was. I just miss my friend and I wish I could have seen him one last time. I guess I feel like my kids do not being able to see their mother at the funeral. It sucks.
I went by Jan's grave this afternoon. Some of the dirt looked turned over. I don't know what that was about. I plucked a couple of budding roses from our rose bush and placed it on her mound of dirt. I wept as I had a conversation. I just really want this "lesson" to be over. I miss her terribly.
Tomorrow is another packed day of activities. I'm tired.
I went by Jan's grave this afternoon. Some of the dirt looked turned over. I don't know what that was about. I plucked a couple of budding roses from our rose bush and placed it on her mound of dirt. I wept as I had a conversation. I just really want this "lesson" to be over. I miss her terribly.
Tomorrow is another packed day of activities. I'm tired.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
02 April 2015 (103 days after The Day)
I am getting better at planning. Today I had so many activities one after another that by the time I got home I realized I will have to reassess the activities my kids are involved in. I just cannot physically be in all places at all time. I forgot how traveling just to pick up the kids and then take them to wherever consumes time. Lots of time.
My mind has been on my childhood friend who passed away. I think how lonely my home is when the kids are asleep. I think on things I have no control over. That is a problem. I should focus on what I do have control over. I'm tired of death.
I watched a good TED talk on work-life balance and it opened my eyes. I wish I could discuss these insights with Jan. I miss that so much. I have the routine down for my daily preparation for the next day. I just don't know how I will keep going day after day after day without Jan. She really is a missing puzzle piece for me. I just feel empty.
My mind has been on my childhood friend who passed away. I think how lonely my home is when the kids are asleep. I think on things I have no control over. That is a problem. I should focus on what I do have control over. I'm tired of death.
I watched a good TED talk on work-life balance and it opened my eyes. I wish I could discuss these insights with Jan. I miss that so much. I have the routine down for my daily preparation for the next day. I just don't know how I will keep going day after day after day without Jan. She really is a missing puzzle piece for me. I just feel empty.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
01 April 2015 (102 days after The Day)
I think with death surrounding me these days I have come to a place of peace. Peace in that I have to accept that the ones I love and care for are gone and I have no control over it. I also have thought on the finality of death as it relates to our time here.
My father's father died of leukemia when my father was 14. One thought my grandfather shared with my dad at the end of his struggle was and is so very true. At the time my grandfather was a minister for a church and there were many well-wishers that stopped by to express their love for him and sorrow for the situation that my grandfather was in. One day during a period of peace with no visitors my grandfather called in my dad and spoke to him. He said, "Son, there are a lot of people that have expressed sorrow because I am terminally ill but what they don't realize is they are too. We are all mortal and will all die." I have thought on this council given to my father and then later relayed to me. I have thought that we all to often focus on others and their death thinking that our death is far off or nonexistent. The truth is we don't know when our death will come. The Good Lord could call us home tomorrow for all we know. All we have to do is live the best we can and do the best we know how. This will lead us to become the best we can.
I heard the quote that as we "become converted" as Christ charged Peter - the part of us that desires anything contrary to the will of God actually dies. I thought on how Peter was given this council during the last moments he had with Christ. I have thought on how we all struggle to be a better person. Some do it because of guilt. Some because it is the right thing to do. I believe it is essential that we be true to ourselves and God. In the first Harry Potter book there is a mirror called "The Mirror of Erised" which shows people what they desire. The father-figure in the book "Professor Dumbledore" said that "The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is." This mirror had the ability to show the person looking into it whatever they desired. If you are true to yourself and God I suppose you would see only yourself because you would be truly happy. True happiness seems far off right now. I still am numb from all the activity but nonetheless I am thinking that being true is the first step to happiness. Being true is to be honest with oneself.
My father's father died of leukemia when my father was 14. One thought my grandfather shared with my dad at the end of his struggle was and is so very true. At the time my grandfather was a minister for a church and there were many well-wishers that stopped by to express their love for him and sorrow for the situation that my grandfather was in. One day during a period of peace with no visitors my grandfather called in my dad and spoke to him. He said, "Son, there are a lot of people that have expressed sorrow because I am terminally ill but what they don't realize is they are too. We are all mortal and will all die." I have thought on this council given to my father and then later relayed to me. I have thought that we all to often focus on others and their death thinking that our death is far off or nonexistent. The truth is we don't know when our death will come. The Good Lord could call us home tomorrow for all we know. All we have to do is live the best we can and do the best we know how. This will lead us to become the best we can.
I heard the quote that as we "become converted" as Christ charged Peter - the part of us that desires anything contrary to the will of God actually dies. I thought on how Peter was given this council during the last moments he had with Christ. I have thought on how we all struggle to be a better person. Some do it because of guilt. Some because it is the right thing to do. I believe it is essential that we be true to ourselves and God. In the first Harry Potter book there is a mirror called "The Mirror of Erised" which shows people what they desire. The father-figure in the book "Professor Dumbledore" said that "The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is." This mirror had the ability to show the person looking into it whatever they desired. If you are true to yourself and God I suppose you would see only yourself because you would be truly happy. True happiness seems far off right now. I still am numb from all the activity but nonetheless I am thinking that being true is the first step to happiness. Being true is to be honest with oneself.
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