Today we had some discussion on Jan. This was the first time in a long time that my kids opened up on the subject. To hear things from their perspective was tough. It was tough because like a puzzle all the pieces look different when your view shifts. This meant looking at things differently and reliving it again. It sounds silly but a different view from a child's perspective was painful to relive because I just wish I could have done things differently to support them through the trial.
This event has helped me to focus on helping them. To ask myself what would I want if I were in their shoes. They had the opportunity to speak with someone who lost their parent at an early age. It was very good for them to hear and think about the comments that were made. The amount of people that have gone through something like this seems to be small so when people find that common bond complete strangers can become close friends quickly.
Counseling starts on Monday. We will see how it goes. My time is as much evaluating the counselor as it is for me to receive counseling. My kids will be visiting with this person as well so it will be good for this process to finally get moving.
It is late - I will write more tomorrow.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
20 Feb 2015 (62 days after The Day)
So today was a better day. I think it was because I was able to just focus on process documentation at work. I really can get lost in that stuff and it helps the time to fly. Whenever I talk to anyone about Jan it is common for someone to say "but of course you feel awful... it has only been two months!" For me it feels like both forever and yesterday. Anger and frustration seems to be in waves and I am striving to find an outlet for this other than being in a bad mood.
so, I will continue my list
84.) I am thankful that Claire can cry when she needs help. Emma had a tracheotomy when she was an infant and we couldn't hear her cry because the tube in her throat was below her vocal cords. I think Jan and I both wept when we heard her cry for the first time. It was so sweet. (yes... then it was not so sweet)
85.) I am thankful for how honest my son can be with me. I am amazed at how he is just so innocent and clear in his communications. I strive to be like that.
86.) I am thankful that I can shop online for nearly everything and I can do this from my phone. I recall as a kid I purchased a bicycle frame from a BMX magazine ad and it came to the door COD. Amazing how time has changed the ordering process.
87.) I am thankful for kind coworkers. I really don't know how I would get through this without people reaching out genuinely interested in how me and my family are doing. It means an awful lot.
88.) I am thankful for this world we have to live in that offers all the challenges life has to offer. For me it seems that with every challenge comes a measure of strength.
89.) I am thankful for eyeglasses. I just didn't realize how much I appreciate them until the morning comes when I want to get out of bed and start the day and realize I cannot see well.
90.) I am thankful for the safety in which I live. On TV it is a common scene to see some war zone where people are trying to live amidst chaos. Life would be very different if I couldn't drive without the fear of attack.
So, I'm calling it a night tonight. More tomorrow.
so, I will continue my list
84.) I am thankful that Claire can cry when she needs help. Emma had a tracheotomy when she was an infant and we couldn't hear her cry because the tube in her throat was below her vocal cords. I think Jan and I both wept when we heard her cry for the first time. It was so sweet. (yes... then it was not so sweet)
85.) I am thankful for how honest my son can be with me. I am amazed at how he is just so innocent and clear in his communications. I strive to be like that.
86.) I am thankful that I can shop online for nearly everything and I can do this from my phone. I recall as a kid I purchased a bicycle frame from a BMX magazine ad and it came to the door COD. Amazing how time has changed the ordering process.
87.) I am thankful for kind coworkers. I really don't know how I would get through this without people reaching out genuinely interested in how me and my family are doing. It means an awful lot.
88.) I am thankful for this world we have to live in that offers all the challenges life has to offer. For me it seems that with every challenge comes a measure of strength.
89.) I am thankful for eyeglasses. I just didn't realize how much I appreciate them until the morning comes when I want to get out of bed and start the day and realize I cannot see well.
90.) I am thankful for the safety in which I live. On TV it is a common scene to see some war zone where people are trying to live amidst chaos. Life would be very different if I couldn't drive without the fear of attack.
So, I'm calling it a night tonight. More tomorrow.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
19 Feb 2015 (61 days after The Day)
So I am angry today. I came home after having a decent day at work and then I realized again that Jan was gone. I am just upset that the situation is what it is. I am just filled with anger and lately I think I am doing a good job at feeling all of the emotions a person can have. So, tonight it is anger. I'm on the edge of stability with my emotions and have decided to chill out and watch a movie. I know that is yet another thing to help me not feel but you know, that is what I can do tonight. I should probably write things I am thankful for so I will write a few and call it a night.
81.) I am thankful to have a roof that doesn't leak.
82.) I am thankful to have a couple of DVDs that teach good lessons. Tonight it is Return of the King from The Lord of the Rings.
83.) I am thankful for my Claire and that I'm starting to bond with her. It is really good. It will be better when she reaches for me to hold her but for now I will take what I can get. I took this pic when I got home. She was snuggled in her bed fast asleep. She really is a gift from God. I just hate that Jan gave her life in the process.
81.) I am thankful to have a roof that doesn't leak.
82.) I am thankful to have a couple of DVDs that teach good lessons. Tonight it is Return of the King from The Lord of the Rings.
83.) I am thankful for my Claire and that I'm starting to bond with her. It is really good. It will be better when she reaches for me to hold her but for now I will take what I can get. I took this pic when I got home. She was snuggled in her bed fast asleep. She really is a gift from God. I just hate that Jan gave her life in the process.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
18 Feb 2015 (60 days after The Day)
Today I had some feeling moments. They are tough but not as stinging as before. That is good. Every feeling day leaves me feeling exhausted.
71.) I am thankful for exhaustion. Feeling like this helps me appreciate when I am not. I also can sympathize with those that are exhausted. I have had my share of being tired but sixty straight days is just really tough.
72.) I am thankful for cool winter air that cleans the lungs.
73.) I am thankful for symbolism of good character traits. We have a small stature of Joan of Arc that Jan received sometime in her life before we were married and I think this statue symbolizes many of the virtues Jan holds dear.
74.) I am thankful for smiles. Smiles and yawns are contagious and I find myself smiling when others are smiling. It really does help brighten my day.
75.) I am thankful for craftsmen/women who sign their name to a product. I think of Lockheed Martin's tradition where the chief aircraft engineers put their wallet and car keys in a pouch that is put in the cabin of every test flight. That is ownership.
76.) I am thankful for electricity. This seems silly but I just take this for granted. I look around and nearly everything in my home is powered or cared for in some way by electricity.
77.) I am thankful for being able to take big breaths. I recall times where I had the wind knocked out of me not being able to breathe. Breathing is important and breathing deep is invaluable when you need oxygen.
78.) I am thankful for healing bodies. It seems our bodies will do what they need to heal as long as we get out of the way. I am amazed by that.
77.) I am thankful not to be a slave. Treating another human as an object is probably one of the worst things we as humans can do to one another.
78.) I am thankful for sweet comments from my children.
79.) I am thankful for pure compassion my children have for me and each other during this tough time.
80.) I am thankful for the opportunity I had to share what I thought someone should give for valentines day. It would be what I would give and what I never did. A gift from the heart and a letter expressing my honest and true feelings of love and gratitude. I may have butchered some things while Jan was alive but if I can assist any of my friends I feel like I am helping.
71.) I am thankful for exhaustion. Feeling like this helps me appreciate when I am not. I also can sympathize with those that are exhausted. I have had my share of being tired but sixty straight days is just really tough.
72.) I am thankful for cool winter air that cleans the lungs.
73.) I am thankful for symbolism of good character traits. We have a small stature of Joan of Arc that Jan received sometime in her life before we were married and I think this statue symbolizes many of the virtues Jan holds dear.
74.) I am thankful for smiles. Smiles and yawns are contagious and I find myself smiling when others are smiling. It really does help brighten my day.
75.) I am thankful for craftsmen/women who sign their name to a product. I think of Lockheed Martin's tradition where the chief aircraft engineers put their wallet and car keys in a pouch that is put in the cabin of every test flight. That is ownership.
76.) I am thankful for electricity. This seems silly but I just take this for granted. I look around and nearly everything in my home is powered or cared for in some way by electricity.
77.) I am thankful for being able to take big breaths. I recall times where I had the wind knocked out of me not being able to breathe. Breathing is important and breathing deep is invaluable when you need oxygen.
78.) I am thankful for healing bodies. It seems our bodies will do what they need to heal as long as we get out of the way. I am amazed by that.
77.) I am thankful not to be a slave. Treating another human as an object is probably one of the worst things we as humans can do to one another.
78.) I am thankful for sweet comments from my children.
79.) I am thankful for pure compassion my children have for me and each other during this tough time.
80.) I am thankful for the opportunity I had to share what I thought someone should give for valentines day. It would be what I would give and what I never did. A gift from the heart and a letter expressing my honest and true feelings of love and gratitude. I may have butchered some things while Jan was alive but if I can assist any of my friends I feel like I am helping.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
17 Feb 2015 (59 days after The Day)
So a strange thing happened to me today. It started like another day. Got up, got the kids fed and off to school. Went to work and so forth. Everything was a normal day. Then I came home for the day. I realized that Jan was gone. Isn't that weird? I just realized that she will not be coming back and that I am alone. I was hit with sudden sadness. Yes, she was my companion and wife but more than that she was my best friend. I just realized my best friend is gone. The isolation I thought I was beginning to move through just came back and hit me full force in the chest. It is sobering to think of. I honestly have been thinking her absence is just for a moment and she will be back but I just realized that she won't. That realization is so painful that I can barely type my feelings. I suppose that is my body's way of coping with these emotions. I realize it is bad and then I get busy and forget for a moment... then I not only remember but I am cast back into the furnace and relive the hell I went through. I have pain for sure and I have suffering but then it goes away. I really do know everything will work out but I just really miss my best friend. I miss being able to confide in her and she in me. We would talk things out and share our dreams. We would laugh together and just comfort each other through life's challenges. I know this stuff comes in waves and every time I end up typing the same entry about being sad. Then stable... then sad... then stable.. then perhaps happy then sad and so forth. What a mess.
So, I read my son a book tonight and am sitting outside his room on the floor as he falls asleep. With him on my mind I will continue my list.
61.) I am thankful for my kids creativity. My son has no electronic games/tv/ipad/etc.. in his room so he has colored events on paper and taped them to his bookcase to look like TV channels. He and my daughters act out what is drawn. It is entertaining for sure.
62.) I am thankful for nightlights. They light the way enough in the dark to illuminate legos on the floor. My feet thank you.
63.) I am thankful for Ammon's love of legos. He and I have played building all types of vehicles and planes. Lots of good memories.
64.) I am thankful for the night. Darkness for me brings rest.
65.) I am thankful for the stars. They help me realize how insignificant I am in the wonders God has created yet also help me realize the love he has for all his kids. I think that if the universe is that amazing why would little old me matter.... and yet, I feel I do.
66.) I am thankful for people who misspell names. I always laughed that people couldn't spell Jan's name. Seriously three letters! But nearly all she said her name to would spell it "Jane". I'm not making that up. We were members at the Houston Museum of Natural Science and when our membership card came it said "Mr. Jane Weezer". I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I keep it today as a good bookmark.
67.) I am thankful for drivers on the road who are cautious. They help me to just chill out. Jan said I was too aggressive as a driver because I would drive with my thumb on the horn. I told her... I'm still driving like I am in Houston.
68.) I am thankful for kind strangers. Jan signed up with a pest control company years ago and after Jan's death I had to address an outstanding bill. Today I received a sympathy card hand-signed by tons of people from the company. Who does that these days? I was deeply touched.
69.) I am thankful for the sounds of the dishwasher / AC/Furnace. They offer a bit of white noise and calm my troubles.
70.) I am thankful for paper plates and disposable forks/spoons/knives. I never realized how beneficial they were until just after Jan passed. I don't think we ran the dishwasher once in a week. It sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for but honestly I couldn't think straight that week and not doing dishes was very helpful to me.
Claire's tummy is beginning to settle a little. I'm thankful that she is sleeping more and that is beneficial to both Grandma and me.
So, I read my son a book tonight and am sitting outside his room on the floor as he falls asleep. With him on my mind I will continue my list.
61.) I am thankful for my kids creativity. My son has no electronic games/tv/ipad/etc.. in his room so he has colored events on paper and taped them to his bookcase to look like TV channels. He and my daughters act out what is drawn. It is entertaining for sure.
62.) I am thankful for nightlights. They light the way enough in the dark to illuminate legos on the floor. My feet thank you.
63.) I am thankful for Ammon's love of legos. He and I have played building all types of vehicles and planes. Lots of good memories.
64.) I am thankful for the night. Darkness for me brings rest.
65.) I am thankful for the stars. They help me realize how insignificant I am in the wonders God has created yet also help me realize the love he has for all his kids. I think that if the universe is that amazing why would little old me matter.... and yet, I feel I do.
66.) I am thankful for people who misspell names. I always laughed that people couldn't spell Jan's name. Seriously three letters! But nearly all she said her name to would spell it "Jane". I'm not making that up. We were members at the Houston Museum of Natural Science and when our membership card came it said "Mr. Jane Weezer". I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I keep it today as a good bookmark.
67.) I am thankful for drivers on the road who are cautious. They help me to just chill out. Jan said I was too aggressive as a driver because I would drive with my thumb on the horn. I told her... I'm still driving like I am in Houston.
68.) I am thankful for kind strangers. Jan signed up with a pest control company years ago and after Jan's death I had to address an outstanding bill. Today I received a sympathy card hand-signed by tons of people from the company. Who does that these days? I was deeply touched.
69.) I am thankful for the sounds of the dishwasher / AC/Furnace. They offer a bit of white noise and calm my troubles.
70.) I am thankful for paper plates and disposable forks/spoons/knives. I never realized how beneficial they were until just after Jan passed. I don't think we ran the dishwasher once in a week. It sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for but honestly I couldn't think straight that week and not doing dishes was very helpful to me.
Claire's tummy is beginning to settle a little. I'm thankful that she is sleeping more and that is beneficial to both Grandma and me.
Monday, February 16, 2015
16 Feb 2015 (58 days after The Day)
Another day gone. Seems that "normal" today is very different from the past. I got my car back from the shop and will now take it to get a little body work done. Once that is done I'll get it detailed and then sell it. Just one of many tasks I'm trying to juggle. I need to get an appointment with Social Security too. I hear there may be benefits for my kids. If so, great but I am not holding my breath.
I purchased Minecraft for my kids to play. They are enjoying the break that it offers. I even joined in a little. I'm not much of a "gamer". I played a game once that tracked how long I had played. The game said I played it for over 40 hours so I just quit. I can't imagine playing a game that long even though it was just an hour here and an hour there. I figured I would rather spend 40 hours in reality although these days living in virtual reality has its benefits! Anyway, I enjoyed an hour of Minecraft with my kids and we all had a good laugh as I was doing everything "wrong" in the game.
So, some things I am thankful for:
51.) I am thankful for my children's laughter. It brings a smile to my face even when I don't feel like smiling.
52.) I am thankful for video games that can bring families together. Tonight was filled with good memories. The only better one was with Jan and I trying to do Wii Sports (tennis) with each other. Ah... that still makes me laugh.
53.) I am thankful for photos. Being able to just look around my home and capture moments in life with Jan and/or my kids fill me with happiness.
54.) I am thankful for quilts that are so heavy they feel like you are pinned into the bed. For some reason heavy quilts are comforting to me on winter nights. (my wife would argue that I would take a heavy quilt during the summer too... which is probably true)
55.) I am thankful for Claire's baby sounds. They (the non-crying type) are soothing.
56.) I am thankful for Jan's ability to speak her mind. I always knew how she felt about something.
57.) I am thankful for my limited commute. The time saved was spent with my family and those are moments I cherrish.
58.) I am thankful for good family memories as a kid. My sisters and I have some of the funniest growing up memories that I cherish.
59.) I am thankful for honest people in the world. It seems silly but honesty seems to be rare these days.
60.) I am thankful for growing up with only my Mom as my parent. My father's view on life was so different from my mothers that I wonder if they hadn't gotten a divorce where my views would be on life. I believe they would be very different in a negative way.
I purchased Minecraft for my kids to play. They are enjoying the break that it offers. I even joined in a little. I'm not much of a "gamer". I played a game once that tracked how long I had played. The game said I played it for over 40 hours so I just quit. I can't imagine playing a game that long even though it was just an hour here and an hour there. I figured I would rather spend 40 hours in reality although these days living in virtual reality has its benefits! Anyway, I enjoyed an hour of Minecraft with my kids and we all had a good laugh as I was doing everything "wrong" in the game.
So, some things I am thankful for:
51.) I am thankful for my children's laughter. It brings a smile to my face even when I don't feel like smiling.
52.) I am thankful for video games that can bring families together. Tonight was filled with good memories. The only better one was with Jan and I trying to do Wii Sports (tennis) with each other. Ah... that still makes me laugh.
53.) I am thankful for photos. Being able to just look around my home and capture moments in life with Jan and/or my kids fill me with happiness.
54.) I am thankful for quilts that are so heavy they feel like you are pinned into the bed. For some reason heavy quilts are comforting to me on winter nights. (my wife would argue that I would take a heavy quilt during the summer too... which is probably true)
55.) I am thankful for Claire's baby sounds. They (the non-crying type) are soothing.
56.) I am thankful for Jan's ability to speak her mind. I always knew how she felt about something.
57.) I am thankful for my limited commute. The time saved was spent with my family and those are moments I cherrish.
58.) I am thankful for good family memories as a kid. My sisters and I have some of the funniest growing up memories that I cherish.
59.) I am thankful for honest people in the world. It seems silly but honesty seems to be rare these days.
60.) I am thankful for growing up with only my Mom as my parent. My father's view on life was so different from my mothers that I wonder if they hadn't gotten a divorce where my views would be on life. I believe they would be very different in a negative way.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
15 Feb 2015 (57 days after The Day)
So today was another whirlwind of emotion. I had an opportunity to talk to someone who lost their mother at a young age. It was very healing to hear what her impressions were at such a young age. She both calmed and confirmed fears of mine. I believe this event is just one that will play out one day at a time. I keep hearing that time heals and that is comforting but it also sucks because every time I want time to speed up it seems to go slower.
I took all the kids to see Jan's grave today. It was the first time Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon were together to go see the grave since the burial. It was good for all of us to have gone there.
So, to continue my list:
41.) I am thankful that Valentine's Day is over. This was, as expected, a tough holiday for me. I'm glad it is over.
42.) I am thankful for grandma to help make Valentine's Day a positive experience for my kids.
43.) I am thankful for a t-shirt Emma got me that touched my heart.
44.) I am thankful for a work discussion I had with my sister to elaborate on some of the challenges that exist in the business/IT relationship. Yes, it was work related but I enjoy talking about this stuff so it was a welcomed break from my normal thought processes.
45.) I am thankful for Holy Temples that pronounce eternal marriages. Jan's passing has me reflecting on that fact and I take comfort in it.
46.) I am thankful for a squirrel that has taken up residence in a bird house in our tree. We got a good laugh today as he/she poked its head out of the hole to just check out what was going on.
47.) I am thankful for social media that enables friends from times past to connect together. I value all that I have made over the years.
48.) I am thankful for the camera on Jan's phone that captured so many good pictures of our family.
49.) I am thankful for the camera on my phone to that captured so many good pictures of our family.
50.) I am thankful for the microphone on my phone that captured so many funny audio clips of my family. Treasures to be kept for sure.
I took all the kids to see Jan's grave today. It was the first time Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon were together to go see the grave since the burial. It was good for all of us to have gone there.
So, to continue my list:
41.) I am thankful that Valentine's Day is over. This was, as expected, a tough holiday for me. I'm glad it is over.
42.) I am thankful for grandma to help make Valentine's Day a positive experience for my kids.
43.) I am thankful for a t-shirt Emma got me that touched my heart.
44.) I am thankful for a work discussion I had with my sister to elaborate on some of the challenges that exist in the business/IT relationship. Yes, it was work related but I enjoy talking about this stuff so it was a welcomed break from my normal thought processes.
45.) I am thankful for Holy Temples that pronounce eternal marriages. Jan's passing has me reflecting on that fact and I take comfort in it.
46.) I am thankful for a squirrel that has taken up residence in a bird house in our tree. We got a good laugh today as he/she poked its head out of the hole to just check out what was going on.
47.) I am thankful for social media that enables friends from times past to connect together. I value all that I have made over the years.
48.) I am thankful for the camera on Jan's phone that captured so many good pictures of our family.
49.) I am thankful for the camera on my phone to that captured so many good pictures of our family.
50.) I am thankful for the microphone on my phone that captured so many funny audio clips of my family. Treasures to be kept for sure.
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