14 Feb 2015 (56 days after The Day)

So, while I trudge through on the honest trail I have thought about my relationship with God.  I have thought how at times I have been so close and others not close at all.  Through all of these events I have realized that I was the one moving... not God.  And this is good.  I understand what it is like to not have him around and also what it is like to feel completely connected.  I think on why having connections with God is important and I think it is much like realizing that you don't have all the answers and leaning on God is really a good.  It is good not to be like a drone where you want God to make your every move.  (I get frustrated by this belief).  Rather - I think it is like doing and being your best and having God to support you through this learning time.

When my kids come to me and ask for help with a problem often I want to see what they have tried to do on their own.  I know how to solve the problem and me solving it won't help them.  What will help them is for me to know where they are and take over where they left off.  I think God works this way.  Action seems to be required to get guidance.  This is just an observation I have in my own life.   

Dust has started to collect on a lot of Jan's possessions.  That is difficult to see.  I have a real fear of forgetting.  As time marches on so do my memories.  Can you recall all that you did yesterday?  How about 10, 20,  or 30 years ago?  That is my concern.  Take for example my grandfather.  This is my mother's father.  He was really a father figure for me and he died when I was 17.  I would spend summers with my grandparents and my memories fade as time marches on.  What was so vividly clear is now clouded over.  I recall feelings mostly.  Feelings and hear phrases he would say in my mind.  20 years have passed since he died and I hold tight to these memories.  I suppose I will do the same with Jan.

I just broke my toe ... again.  Then I was hobbling around and stumped it.  So... onto my thankful list.

31.) I am thankful for broken bones.  They help me to appreciate the ones that aren't.
32.) I am thankful for intense physical pain.  It helps me to learn how to manage my initial outcry giving me hope for normal emotional reactions to non-physical pain.
33.) I am thankful for good books and movies.  I often find myself watching Lord of the Rings or reading Beowulf to reflect on the hero's journey.
34.)  I am thankful for the selfless acts of my children as they shower me with love.  They teach me lessons every time.
35.) I am thankful for a dishwasher that runs every time it is needed.
36.) I am thankful for a vehicle that runs.
37.) I am thankful for my son's desire to sleep in my bed for comfort.  That lets me know my kids know they can come to me anytime they need.
38.) I am thankful for my son's Tae Kwon Do.  They teach him so many good character traits that I hope he holds the rest of his life.
39.) I am thankful for Madilyn's soccer activities.  Her coach has helped her to play as a team and utilize the talents of the entire group. 
40.) I am thankful for Emma's artistic talent.  It has humbled me to realize how talents are placed in your children that far exceed those of her parents.  And yet here am I to help her develop them.

13 Feb 2015 (55 days after The Day)

Today I had a very good conversation with a good friend about being real.  We spoke about the challenges of life and how being real with yourself can often be the most difficult thing.  It is so easy to pick out or identify issues with others.  It is easy to see things that you yourself don't have to address.  It is much like looking at someone and saying "Wow, you are fat.  You should probably go to the gym and lay off the sweets" or "She is so insensitive.  She should think about how her words are received".  Of course all of this is easy to say because that is all you have to do is say it; however, if you were to receive this information it gives you a different perspective.  Generally speaking if you receive this information you may initially deflect it and justify your actions away.  This is the path of least resistance when dealing with someone's accusations you may feel are either false or somewhat true but they are not your judge.  What happens when the accusations come from yourself?  Perhaps that is why looking in the mirror and being honest is so difficult.  What do you deflect?  When I sat down and wrote out my fears and concerns a couple of days ago it was the first time I was really honest with myself.  It was a good moment and while it was difficult it has helped me turn the page that I didn't want to turn.  To face the crossroads and decide to feel.  It is very difficult but I see no other option other than to "curse God, and die" as in the book of Job 2:9.  To feel is so difficult but there is hope.  I keep reminding myself of this.  Hope is the precursor of faith.

So, to continue the list from yesterday: 

21.)  I am thankful for friends that are honest.
22.)  I am thankful for a wife that accepts me for who I am both good and bad.
23.)  I am thankful for a daughter that doesn't know who I am but trusts me.
24.)  I am thankful for quiet moments to think and reflect throughout the day.
25.)  I am thankful for finding a cemetery that is close for my kids to visit.
26.)  I am thankful for the outpouring of support me and my family received that helped us through this ordeal.
27.)  I am thankful for our rocking chair that has lasted for every child.
28.)  I am thankful for challenges coming in waves so I can prepare during good times for the times that won't be so good.
29.)  I am thankful for good neighbors - they have been such a support to me.
30.)  I am thankful for music and the joy it brings to my home.

12 Feb 2015 (54 days after The Day)

Claire has decided to wake up when someone lays her down.  I think it will be a long night.

I think on the challenges that parenthood offer for infants.  Tears from the infant that lead to tears from the adult. 

Ok, I got her down for the night.  Today was a challenge.  I was able to get some work done and I was able to get some details ironed out for my wife's school she founded.  It was again difficult to turn over some of the core aspects of the website.  Just letting go of that was like letting go of my wife again.  I get the impression that Jan is ok.  I know it sounds weird but I have a bit of peace on this subject and I just feel everything will be ok.

So, adding to the list from yesterday -

11 - I am thankful for the friendships my children have made.
12 - I am thankful for the support complete strangers have given us.
13 - I am thankful for financial support given by those that have viewed this site.  I am humbled and very appreciative.  I am without words to adequately express my thanks.
14 - I am thankful for the quiet time before going to sleep.  While it is difficult for me it also helps me reflect on life and gives  me an opportunity to feel.
15 - I am thankful for a bed big enough to accommodate my kids when they are frightened.
16 - I am thankful for my faith
17 - I am thankful for my journaling - it has helped me process my thoughts and feelings
18 - I am thankful for my cats - I don't even care for cats but over the years they have grown on me.
19 - I am thankful for the trees that surround my home.  When we lived in Houston we had very little trees in our neighborhood because it was new.  My home is surrounded by trees.  This brings peace to my thoughts.
20 - I am thankful for the wildlife that are in the neighborhood because of the forests.  This brings entertainment for my children and peace to me.

Overall I believe I am beginning the upward climb to health.  It has been difficult but yesterday I feel there was a shift.  I'm hoping it is permenant.

11 Feb 2015 (53 days after The Day)

Today was a better day.  It started off like before.  I just had a moment where my concerns were lifted.  I don't know how everything is going to work out... I just know that it will.

I took Madilyn and Ammon by Jan's grave tonight.  It was good but tough.  They both commented that you can really see the stars there.  We have a telescope and I suggested that we go look at the stars with Mom since she is in the perfect spot.  There are few lights and the lights from the city are diminished some. 

I'm exhausted again.  I'm having a hard time describing it and most people say "of course you are tired"  but it isn't like physical exhaustion as much as it is mental.  I just feel like collapsing.  I think I did a little too much today or something.  I don't know.

Well, Claire is cute as a button.  She enjoys looking at us and studying us out.  We had a physical therapist evaluate Claire and she took some notes and said she would like to follow-up in 3 months.  So far so good.  Claire seems to be "normal" for her age.

Emma seems to be battling a cold.  Tis the season.  I hope Claire can avoid it while Emma recovers.  Emma asked for a healing blessing tonight so I administered one and then Madilyn said she wanted a comfort blessing so I gave her one.  Everyone is missing Jan.

I realized I have been very focused on things I have no control over.  I need to begin thinking of things I should be thankful/grateful for.  So, I will start a list:

1 - I'm thankful for Claire, Ammon, Madilyn, and Emma.  They bring such joy to my life.  They make me laugh.
2 - I'm thankful that Claire is recovering and showing great progress
3 - I'm thankful for Jan and the time I had to share with her.  I value her council she gave and the laughs we had.  All good memories.
4 - I'm thankful for grandma and her sacrifice she has made in raising me and my two sisters as a single parent.  I never grasped what that meant until now.  She sacrificed a lot and I am thankful that she pressed forward through all life's challenges
5 - I'm thankful that grandma has been able to help us out.  Jan's departure is such a challenge and the load has been lightened with her help.  I am forever grateful.
6 - I'm thankful that we are able to experience pain.  Pain for me has seemed to help my capacity to love increase.
7 - I'm thankful for my employment and the joy I have working with the people there.
8 - I'm thankful for having great mentors in my life.  My current and past supervisors have helped me be a better person/employee/manager.
9 - I'm thankful that my father made choices I thought were poor and anti-family.  Those choices have helped me focus on being the best dad I can be.
10 - I'm thankful for the love my family (both those that are alive and those that have already passed) have for me.  Their patience with me has helped me to press forward.

I will focus on adding to this daily. 

 

10 Feb 2015 (52 days after The Day)

6:35 pm

So today I did something I have never done.  I was extremely honest with myself.  Don't get me wrong I think I am honest but today I wrote down my fears, likes, and dislikes about myself.  I had a hard time typing it.  Seriously.  It was a bit therapeutic because once I wrote it I felt like it was off my chest.  Jan's passing has put me in a spiral out of emotional control.  I really am a mess.  I am always complimented on how composed I am but apparently I have a good poker face.  Me writing things down helped me state my real concerns ... my real fears.  My real likes and dislikes.  I realized that Claire was asked to come here and had no control over the situation.  I was raised without much of a father figure and I suppose I turned out ok.  I worry about Claire not having a mother.  I worry about being a good dad.  I am complimented on being a good dad but I wonder if "good" is good enough.


11:05 pm

I spent time with my former bishop.  He gave me some good council.  I feel mentally spent.  Today was a big feeling day.  I am beyond tired. 

09 Feb 2015 (51 days after The Day)

I think the weather changes are playing havoc on everyone in my family.  That isn't helping Claire much. 

I had a discussion today at work about the healing process.  I was told during the mourning process I would probably regret something or feel like I wish I had been a better husband.  I disagreed.  I thought about what a husband's duties are and I think I did all I could do.  I do feel I could have done some things better but I just hadn't gotten to that before Jan died.  So overall I don't have any regrets.  The one thing I feel I could have done better at is to participate more in family planning of activities... from activities with the family on the weekend to planning the weekly meal schedule.  I really neglected this.  I also think I could have expressed my thanks more with unexpected surprises like me arranging child care and taking Jan out on a date.  So, life lessons are good to learn.  I just wish I could have applied them while Jan was here.  She had such patience with me or perhaps it is fair to say we had equal amounts of patience with each other.   We were each trying to improve and that simple understanding that she was in my corner cheering me on is something I miss more than anything.  I just undervalued the price of support from my best friend.

So, I changed the battery in my car this evening and found that my car still won't start.  Yay!  I am sooo excited about this.  I've decided to sell the car since Jan is not here.  Since Grandma has her own vehicle that is newer than my car it just makes sense to sell my commuter vehicle.  I'll keep the van for toting all of our stuff everywhere since we need seating for 6 and my car only will hold 5.

Soccer practice starts tomorrow and Madilyn is excited.  I'm dreading having to talk to the parents there.  Hopefully it will be ok.  Being everywhere for everyone is tough.  I tip my hat to single parents.  I always knew it was tough having been raised in a single-parent home but seriously there is a difference between reading/hearing about and living.  As a kid I didn't think anything was wrong or difficult ... as a parent I don't know how I will get through this.

 

08 Feb 2015 (50 days after The Day)

So I found myself over the past few days doing all I can to avoid feeling.  Is that childish?  Oh well.  That is reality.  As I try to face the real feelings of loss and pain it hurts so I avoid it.  I find little triggers daily that say "hey remember this?" or "doesn't this ring a bell?"  Every reminder stings.  Every reminder makes it difficult to go through the necessary feeling for healing.

I went by Jan's grave tonight with Emma.  It was a tough moment.  As we looked upon an unmarked pile of dirt it was just surreal.  Emma asked when we are getting a headstone and I told her shortly.  It is one of many on my list of to-dos.

Claire slept a long time last night.  She is eating and eating these days.  I also think she is a bit sick too.  Her tummy has been a bit unsettled.  She is smiling more these days too and that is always comforting.

So, I am struggling with the fact that people put on a "Sunday face" and are not real.  I think people can do wonders for each other on Sunday to just be real.  The fake "everything is perfect" is something that everyone may want to portray but is not what people want to surround themselves with.  So, for me, this is a real issue on Sundays.  Jan worked very hard over the last few years to not be run by some pattern and to be authentic.  That meant that sometimes people didn't want to hear what she had to say.  I suppose I am finding myself in that same place.  Standing for truth is difficult when you are the minority.  The comfort is that truth is still the truth regardless of the support.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  I don't have to support someone's inability to live in reality.  THAT is the real challenge.  I always thought Jan was amazing at being able to allow someone to believe whatever they wanted and still hold boundaries on what she believed.  She embraced freedom of choice.  She would listen to all types of beliefs and not criticize them.  She just was open because her beliefs were firm.  I miss her terribly.  I still hope this is some freakish dream that I will wake up from.