07 Feb 2015 (49 days after The Day)

So I read today that I still am exhibiting some of the attributes of being in shock.  I also realized that I am also trying to not share my feelings which is not helping my healing process.  As uncomfortable as this is I understand that I need to be honest with myself and others.  If I neglect to do this I understand that this grieving process can go on for a very long time.  I know I mentioned it before but the title of a book Jan has is so very true.  Feelings buried alive never die.  I just need to acknowledge this and keep it in front of me. 

I had a heart-to-heart discussion with Emma today and it was the first time I put words to a feeling that has plagued me since Jan's departure.  You see, Jan and I are on the same page with order and discipline in our home.  We have chores for our kids to do and we have appropriate ways for our kids to share their feelings without shouting.  Since Jan's departure I have been a one-man-band with this edict.  I never realized how much I depended on Jan and I'm sure how much she depended on me so that we could support each other to enforce this standard.  Today Emma and I had some conflicts that had to be resolved.  She needed some time to calm down and once she did we were able to talk openly.  I realized in our conversation that I was alone in my quest for establishing this standard.  Grandma isn't really aware of what Jan and I had established and my kids are well.... kids.  They will challenge any standard and that is ok.  I just never realized how alone I felt until today when I was talking with Emma.  As odd as it sounds with me feeling a portion of me died with Jan I think it is also safe to say a portion of Jan is still alive in me.  With that being said I think I am able to think about how she would respond to some of these challenges and adjust accordingly.  Overall it is a lonely feeling. 

My sleeping quality seems to be decreasing.  I was accustomed to going to sleep at 12-1 and getting up at 6.  Now I go to sleep around 9, get up to feed Claire sometime between 1-3 and then get back to sleep around 5 and wake up around 7.  I feel like I haven't slept at all.  When I try to sleep it is a joke.  My mind is going a million miles an hour and being able to relax is not easy.  I really have a very difficult time staying awake after 9.  It is like I am 80 or something.  It isn't like I yawn and say "I'm tired... I'm going to bed".  It is more like complete exhaustion.  Hmmm... ok, like if you have ever taken a large exam you had to study hard for... some final exam... You know how you feel after the exam?  You know how you feel like your mind is Jello?  Well, imagine that with running a long distance where your body is equally tired.  That is about where I am at.  Just exhausted.  One day at a time.  I'm still trying to find something I enjoy that is just me that will work for my energy level.  I just don't have the energy to pull out my horn and play anything.... I just have no desire.  It is a bummer because when I listen to songs like Dave Brubeck's Take Five I can imagine playing along and that brings a bit of happiness but like all playing it takes work to get something sounding halfway decent.  I'm still thinking on what I can do.

06 Feb 2015 (48 days after The Day)

Today was a lot of feeling.  A lot of remembering.  A lot of energy spent.  Tears and trials as I try to figure out what this new normal is supposed to be like.  When I was 17 my grandfather passed away.  It was also quite sudden.  For a while I was in a sort of funk.  I didn't really get back to "normal" ever.  It was just new.  I suppose this is the same.  I am in a new chapter not wanting to start reading.

The discussion today that had me thinking was surrounding my interests.  What I do for fun.  Over the last few years I have really forgotten what that is.  My time was filled caring for my wife through the many challenges she had.  As it stands now I don't have a desire to do anything.  As a kid I recall being filled with joy when I found out we were going to the public pool or when I got to go to the park.  I enjoyed riding my bike as a kid and spent hours riding everywhere in my neighborhood.  When I went to college I worked a ton.  I suppose I just enjoyed my classes in college.  I did enjoy band.  Both in high school and college I played in the jazz bands and enjoyed playing.  Recently I started playing again and remembered the fun that came from that.  The music I enjoy involves more than one player so perhaps I need to find other saxophonists to start playing with.  I don't know.  Finding personal joy is something that may take a moment for me.  I have joy in my family but as I experienced yesterday I need to find something that is just me or I may fall apart when other life events occur.

Well, another day has passed.  Valentines day is approaching and I cannot wait for it to be over.  My daughter Emma would like to do something special on that day.  I'm sure that is a better idea than not doing anything but it is a real struggle for me.

Until tomorrow -  

05 Feb 2015 (47 days after The Day)

So today was like another day.  The difference came at dinner tonight.  Ammon is sick and asleep on the couch.  Claire is sleeping.  Emma and Madilyn were watching a show in grandma's room and grandma and I were sitting and eating.  It was quiet.  The quiet at the dinner table was too much for me.  I've heard that people can go about their lives like normal after events like this.  Everything is "normal" until a change occurs.  So when kids move out of the house and there is a switch from "normal" to something else the person who has been so controlled seems to fall apart.  I found myself doing this at the table.  Nothing changed.  Nothing was different other than no kids were with me at the dinner table.  I suppose it was the first time I sat at the dinner table with just my mom for dinner.  Without the kids to bring a bit of chaos it was silent.  The silence was cutting.  I couldn't stay seated once this hit and got up to do anything I could.

I keep thinking that the time between now and when I see Jan will be short because it always has been.  I went overseas for two weeks at a time and have had constant trips taking a handful of days and I always return to her.  It is like I am waiting for her to return... or for me to return to her.  It is weird.  If I knew I would see Jan tomorrow or a few days or even in a month or year it would be so much easier to take than just not knowing when we will see each other again.  I don't like not knowing.  This not knowing is the very essence of the pain that I am filled with.  What if it isn't tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year?  What if it is in 50 years.  What if I live to 110?  What if old age or time makes me forget?  I don't want to forget and yet I do.  I don't want to be in pain any more and the only solution I know of is to be back with Jan but that is only a half-baked view of life.  True happiness would be having all my family together again.  So how does one be happy without the very thing that brings happiness?

Tonight I am filled with exhaustion.  I am so very thankful for my mom being here to assist me.  I honestly do not know what I would do without her.  I am a mess.

04 Feb 2015 (46 days after The Day)

So I find myself waiting on my kids to finish an activity.  It is quiet and I am alone.  The rush of work is still there for me to tap into and I have turned it off for a while.  I am in the car parked with the motor running and no radio on.  I'm watching the kids of other families arrive and run in with anticipation to the night's activities.  It wasn't long ago I sat in this car with my son giving my wife a break from all the activity in the home.  Ammon and I would make believe we were flying in a spaceship as we waited for his sisters to return from their activities.  It sounds strange but in all the happy faces I see I also see faces that postulate their future as certain.  It is weird.  I am an optimist.  I take a lot of crap from people for being one because I see a positive in everything yet here I sit looking at people knowing that the one thing that is certain is that there is uncertainty in life events.  Yes, we can make good choices and we can reap the rewards for those choices AND we can also be dealt a challenge we were not planning for.  How do you plan for this?  No, that is the wrong question.  Planning for events are easy.  How do you accept the truth of an event when it occurs?  I can and did do a little planning for Jan and my death; however, accepting this as a reality is just a very hard pill to swallow.  Don't get me wrong... I am able to "function".  I can carry on a conversation and not bust out with emotion (mostly).  I have accepted the logical aspect of Jan's loss but not the emotional attachment.  Every night I get into a king sized bed without my kids so now it is really a feeling of being alone.  I hear Claire sleeping in her crib and that helps me relax.  I just didn't realize the emotional attachment a spouse has.  Wow.  I mean here is someone who knows you better than yourself in many ways.  They know your habits, strengths, weaknesses, talents, and ambitions.  They help you to be a better you.  They are there for you in every way.  They are loyal to you because of the love you have for each other.  The feeling and actions are mutual.  This isn't one-sided.  This isn't "you go 50% and I'll go 50%".  It is both going 110% because they want to.  They go 110% because they want the other person to be successful as much as they do for themselves and often at the expense of their own success.  I'm sure the devastation would be equal if life events had me leave and Jan stay.  Am I doing what is right?  Am I doing what is needed?  I don't know.  I do know I am doing what I can to the best of my abilities.  Quiet reflection is good... for now.

Ammon struggles.  Here is a sweet pic of Ammon (5 yrs) and Jan in a Mother-Son date on 31 Aug 2013.  They went for ice cream at sonic.  It is one of my most prized pictures.

They are good memories built from a tradition I'm glad we started.  We alternated mom/dad dates with the kids and we had fun memories built.  We didn't always take pictures but ones like this let me know we were doing something right.  I'm glad Jan had a camera (phone) to take pics like this.  Some of the best pictures I have are of the kids and their events where the only camera we have is our phone.  It is amazing how phone technology has helped our family document the lives of our kids and our marriage.  They are some of the best photos.



 

03 Feb 2015 (45 days after The Day)

So today was a day I tried to get back to what was a normal routine.  I am generally wiped out after about 2 pm but today I was able to push through.  Claire is taking more and more milk.  Instead of eating every 4 hours she is eating about every 2.  So her milk intake is almost doubling.  She battles gas still but she is putting on weight so I am a happy camper. 

We had some friends come up from Houston to visit and my kids have really enjoyed visiting with them.  My kids and I seem to go through waves of sadness and times like this help us forget for a moment and enjoy life a bit.  I don't know if forget is the right word because we never forget... but we do have a moment where the sadness isn't as intense.

I finally got Claire to sleep tonight.  I'm glad she is finally sleeping.  Everything is still like a dream.

02 Feb 2015 (44 days after The Day)

Claire is doing well.  We took her for a well check today and they said she is gaining weight and whatever we are doing to keep it up.  Grandma took a picture of her in the car on the way home and she looks less than amused.

I love her hair though.  It is all over the place!  Her look is wonderful.  She has the Jan intensity look.  The "I don't find what you are doing amusing" look.  She looked at me today.  I mean really really looked at me.  Normally she looks over my shoulder or above my head but today she stared directly into my eyes for the first time for a very long time.  She smiled.  I needed that.

I had some friends over tonight and it was good to laugh again.  That was much needed.  Times like this I just wish Jan was here to enjoy their company as well. 

Claire has been fighting gas pains again and needless to say she is exhausted from crying.  She took a full bottle tonight so hopefully she is able to get some rest.  The Dr. said this should stop by 3 months.  I hope so for everyone's sanity.

Jan and I had our bathroom put back together after being disassembled for about 3 years due to a water leak.  After getting it all back together I noticed outside that the water from the shower is leaking outside.  You know, normally I would be so upset at this.  I really don't care to spend any energy on this.  It will get fixed like anything else.  I am just inconvenienced for a while for my bathroom to be ripped back up.  You know, statistics are in my favor to have a really good year this year.  Here is hoping for it!

01 Feb 2015 (43 days after The Day)

Honesty - What a simple but sometimes difficult topic.  Today there was a discussion on what a group that only meets once a week could do to be more united.  I have thought on this subject long and hard.  I find this root cause also in relationships at work, church, amongst friends, etc..  The root cause for distant relationships is trust and honesty.  We guard and protect ourselves.  Often this is done to protect our beliefs from those that would not care for them.  So, in a real way, honesty and trust go hand in hand.  Sure there is forced honesty where someone is threatened if they do not give the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth but when not threatened honesty and trust are inseparable.  So, how do you build trust?  I believe you build it by giving it away.  I am guarded.  I have a very close group that I trust.  I have made mistakes over the years by not being completely honest by feeling that I needed to be loyal to a certain group.  With Jan I could be completely honest.  I didn't have secrets and neither did she.  This open aspect of our relationship allowed us to help each other through all types of struggles.  We knew each others weaknesses and strengths.  We helped keep each other in check and while it was irritating it was also good.  I knew she was helping me to be a better person and the feeling was mutual when I helped her. 

Today marks an interesting event on my calendar.  Today is the first time the Superbowl has been on in my home ever.  In the 15 years that Jan and I have been married we both never watched football.  Ever.  With grandma here well.... it is a time for new traditions.  I need to get grandma up to speed on real football... soccer.  We are also big baseball fans so there is no surprise that baseball will be watched here.  I've always been a big Houston Astros fan having worked there in the past and having good family memories but now that we are in Arlington I have started to watch the Rangers.  Anyway, so football in my home.  Never happened in the past and now it is.  Go Orliers er... Texans I guess.

I've been dealing with anger recently.  Anger at how my life has turned upside down.  Anger at how this isn't "fair".  I cringe when I hear the "fair" term used because what is that in life?  Fairness?  Seriously?  Life isn't fair.  Period.  To use it sounds like I am a victim.  There is a type of "victim" vocabulary that I refuse to use.  I don't want to give any energy to being a victim because you are acted upon as a victim.  No, I am not going to be acted upon.  I will act.  I will drive this bus.  I am ok with the fact that life isn't fair but I am also not willing to have events occur and say "woe is me".  Nothing good comes from that. So my wife dies and leaves me with 4 kids all under the age of 13.  So I am under 40.  So I have staggering medical bills that are still flowing in.  So what.  Life is more than giving energy to events that you have no control over.  It is like being angry that it is raining.  What good comes of this?  And yet.... I am angry.  I am angry because I assumed like everyone else on planet Earth that they and their family will live to be old and gray.  I assumed that life memories would be built together as a family.  I assumed all would go as planned without any trouble.  I assumed there would always be a tomorrow.  I knew we would all eventually die but I never thought it would be early in life.

So, I understand that feeling takes energy but being angry takes much more.  I want to be free from anger.  I have let irritations fester into anger from various people I interact with.  All draining what little energy I have.  So, I will take the first step of just letting go of some of this.  I cling to it to justify my feelings and yet the other parties involved go about their day without any knowledge of any wrongdoing.  Or.. if they do know they don't care.  Regardless of which it is doesn't matter.  It is draining my energy and I will not give it out any longer.  I will begin tonight.