It is almost February. For the better part of January I had the belief that Jan was somehow still alive. Now that time is slowly passing it seems more of a reality to me. It really is the bitter pill.
My family and I are watching Studio C and getting a few laughs. It is healing. It is interesting how humor helps.
Humor helps for a moment... and then the moment passes. I suppose this will get easier with time.
One thing is weird... my wife and my memories of my wife seem to be a dream. It is hard to describe but it is almost like she isn't real but I know she is. My feelings are somewhat numb. I don't know if that is from the lack of sleep or the inability to process things "correctly" or what but that feeling does make it easier to cope with. Maybe I'm just loosing my mind. Who knows. I had someone today mention my wife and a flood of feelings came back. I know I try to bottle this up when I'm in public but sometimes it is a joke. It was mentioned getting a hug from my wife and I lost it. I think that is because if I was standing somewhere and Jan was beside me she would just have her hand on the my back just giving me a slight pat/rub. A silly memory that just had a "Release the river!" effect on me (as they say in Lord of the Rings). It felt like a cleansing. I suppose it will take a while to get to someplace everyone else feels is "stable". I try to use comedy to change the subject or make light of a situation that is intense but sometimes there is no comedic relief and I try to keep some tissues handy.
We switched Claire to a bigger nipple yesterday and she is taking much more milk. This worked for a while but now she is unsettled. I feel there is a fine line between the nipple volume and Claire's endurance/ability to swallow.
My mother's bed was delivered today and it also looks like I am getting a new roof. Nothing like having a new roof put on with a newborn in the home. Yay! It is good to get these things checked off the list. When I was given color choices I found myself paralyzed. I'm picking a color that will be nailed to the top of my home. I'm doing good to match clothes I wear for a day and I thought... I wish Jan were here to look at this. I can barely tell the difference between black and blue and I'm given a choice of asphalt that all looks the same. I'm sure it won't matter once it is up there but my goodness... it seems silly but it is a little daunting. I guess Jan would probably do the same thing for something she normally consults with me on. Oh well. I'm just trying to get the list down to something manageable. Right now it is overwhelming.
So another day is coming to a close. Another day that seems like any day. All days seem to be the same.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Monday, January 26, 2015
26 Jan 2015 (37 days after The Day)
7:21 am -
So Claire is doing well with her feedings. Her 11 pm and 6:30 am feeding she did while she was asleep. I heard grandma get up around 3 to do her feeding so I need to ask how that went. Anyway, I received a message on Facebook where someone I went to high school with sent me a link to an article about grief. The article seemed to speak for me in what I was feeling. Here is the link if you wish to read. Anyway, the article spoke of a woman who lost her child under a year of age and how she was trying to cope with it. A lot of self diagnosis and the belief that when people said "you are handling this well" translated to "put your game face on and get back to normal". I have that same belief and in the article when the lady begins to release her pent up feelings she asks what is wrong and the doctor's comment was very healing. He says "The depth of her sadness was simply a measure of the love she had for her daughter." In essence the grief she was burying was an attempt to fit-in and move on but her sadness was completely justified due to the love she had for her child. I feel I have to put on my game face as well. I have such deep sadness that it is difficult to even write about. How do you summarize deep love and friendship. Every time I try to capture this feeling it falls short. It ends up being more of a disservice to the description than just not saying anything. I'm a quirky person and finding someone that could connect with me was a miracle in itself. It wasn't just the connection but it was at the same time. Our first date we just talked straight for about 4 hours. Who does that?? It was like a connection that filled another missing half of the other. A missing half we didn't even know was missing. So, perhaps that is why I feel a part of me died with Jan. This journey of healing is a difficult one. It is difficult because it does not conform with normal "get over it and get back to work" mentality that exists for mainstream America. It has been 38 days since this journey began and all I want to do is get over it and at the same time not move an inch. Not moving seems to keep Jan closer but it doesn't help me heal. I understand why people write stories to capture and share what love is. I envy old people holding hands and sharing their lives together. That is all I ever wanted to do was to grow old with Jan by my side. To go through all the fun, sad, tough, easy, etc... times together. To experience life together. It is sad that I just now seem to get that. I have priorities of growing old together but put it aside.
Before Jan died I was so focused on Corporate America. I was so focused on work and all that it entailed. Don't get me wrong. I think work has great value. I think it can shape you into a better person. I recall how when I worked for the entertainment industry I would often work very long hours. I had an hour commute and I would see my oldest daughter just as she was waking up and get home after they were asleep. I recall how Jan and I would argue about me missing out on their lives and for me it was a great pain to part with what I considered a dream job. It was a job working for a company that had memories of my Grandfather. I left to work for the company I work for now. It was a very good switch for me. I was able to see my family more. The commute was worse but the hours were much less. Over time additional responsibilities came to me and required more of my time. I relocated to Arlington Texas and my commute was cut by 90%. This allowed me to spend more time with my family. I just believed that my family would always be there. I just believed that all I needed to do was focus on work to help prepare for the future with my family. I never would have imagined that my time would be cut short. As weird as it sounds I don't know if I will ever retire or stop working. I will always be doing something but I just have a deeper appreciation for my family. I only wish I could have been there more when Jan was here.
9:14 pm -
I find myself in meetings. I can concentrate for a moment and then I find my mind wandering. I catch myself doing this and snap back into reality. Back and forth. Back and forth. I have found that if I am involved in process improvement work my mind doesn't wonder as much. I've been trying to keep myself involved in that as much as possible.
So what is the price of childhood? What is the price of a good memory? We have them and we could say they are worth millions especially if time has moved on and some in the memory are no longer around. So why then did I put memory making moments behind watching TV or some other mindless activity that only served me? I suppose it is because memory making activities take effort and sacrifice on everyone's part. Being asked to give just a little more when you feel like there is nothing left in the tank to give. I think about what I can do today to make every moment count. After all we only live in today......in the present.
So Claire is doing well with her feedings. Her 11 pm and 6:30 am feeding she did while she was asleep. I heard grandma get up around 3 to do her feeding so I need to ask how that went. Anyway, I received a message on Facebook where someone I went to high school with sent me a link to an article about grief. The article seemed to speak for me in what I was feeling. Here is the link if you wish to read. Anyway, the article spoke of a woman who lost her child under a year of age and how she was trying to cope with it. A lot of self diagnosis and the belief that when people said "you are handling this well" translated to "put your game face on and get back to normal". I have that same belief and in the article when the lady begins to release her pent up feelings she asks what is wrong and the doctor's comment was very healing. He says "The depth of her sadness was simply a measure of the love she had for her daughter." In essence the grief she was burying was an attempt to fit-in and move on but her sadness was completely justified due to the love she had for her child. I feel I have to put on my game face as well. I have such deep sadness that it is difficult to even write about. How do you summarize deep love and friendship. Every time I try to capture this feeling it falls short. It ends up being more of a disservice to the description than just not saying anything. I'm a quirky person and finding someone that could connect with me was a miracle in itself. It wasn't just the connection but it was at the same time. Our first date we just talked straight for about 4 hours. Who does that?? It was like a connection that filled another missing half of the other. A missing half we didn't even know was missing. So, perhaps that is why I feel a part of me died with Jan. This journey of healing is a difficult one. It is difficult because it does not conform with normal "get over it and get back to work" mentality that exists for mainstream America. It has been 38 days since this journey began and all I want to do is get over it and at the same time not move an inch. Not moving seems to keep Jan closer but it doesn't help me heal. I understand why people write stories to capture and share what love is. I envy old people holding hands and sharing their lives together. That is all I ever wanted to do was to grow old with Jan by my side. To go through all the fun, sad, tough, easy, etc... times together. To experience life together. It is sad that I just now seem to get that. I have priorities of growing old together but put it aside.
Before Jan died I was so focused on Corporate America. I was so focused on work and all that it entailed. Don't get me wrong. I think work has great value. I think it can shape you into a better person. I recall how when I worked for the entertainment industry I would often work very long hours. I had an hour commute and I would see my oldest daughter just as she was waking up and get home after they were asleep. I recall how Jan and I would argue about me missing out on their lives and for me it was a great pain to part with what I considered a dream job. It was a job working for a company that had memories of my Grandfather. I left to work for the company I work for now. It was a very good switch for me. I was able to see my family more. The commute was worse but the hours were much less. Over time additional responsibilities came to me and required more of my time. I relocated to Arlington Texas and my commute was cut by 90%. This allowed me to spend more time with my family. I just believed that my family would always be there. I just believed that all I needed to do was focus on work to help prepare for the future with my family. I never would have imagined that my time would be cut short. As weird as it sounds I don't know if I will ever retire or stop working. I will always be doing something but I just have a deeper appreciation for my family. I only wish I could have been there more when Jan was here.
9:14 pm -
I find myself in meetings. I can concentrate for a moment and then I find my mind wandering. I catch myself doing this and snap back into reality. Back and forth. Back and forth. I have found that if I am involved in process improvement work my mind doesn't wonder as much. I've been trying to keep myself involved in that as much as possible.
So what is the price of childhood? What is the price of a good memory? We have them and we could say they are worth millions especially if time has moved on and some in the memory are no longer around. So why then did I put memory making moments behind watching TV or some other mindless activity that only served me? I suppose it is because memory making activities take effort and sacrifice on everyone's part. Being asked to give just a little more when you feel like there is nothing left in the tank to give. I think about what I can do today to make every moment count. After all we only live in today......in the present.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
25 Jan 2015 (36 days after The Day)
Last night I slept. I don't know what changed but I slept. I never heard Claire stir and when my mom awoke I asked if she fed Claire during the night. She said she had twice. I think I just didn't feel like I had the weight of everything on my back. I suppose that may be why my back has been hurting. Anyway, my sister organized my kitchen and it is much more functional. I started going through some papers and came across a note Jan wrote to me in 1995. Just a note to say she loved me. It made me smile. After all the activity of late I have found many pictures and many things I value. I found that I really value things written to me by Jan. I think of all the things I wrote to Jan. I just didn't. I would write little things on cards on holidays but not really many letters or notes. I found that she saved them. Jan wrote the occasional note to me and those I cherish. I suppose our love for each other was built before we came into being all of who we are today. We lived through each others challenges and helped each other through them. I think back to when I was in High School and I think I was just a big dork. I can't imagine why someone would want to hang out with me. I suppose we are our own worst critics and I'm glad Jan was able to look past some of the weirdness. As I start to go through all of the mountains of documents and gifts I am reminded again and again of all that my family has lived through over the past month. I am happy to see our home look more like a normal home but I am saddened with the emptiness that exists now especially as I relieve the moments. I'm sure I will look back on this time and wonder how I made it. I know one thing for sure. I have learned what the word Charity means from my mom. I know we all have a fond place in our hearts for our mothers but I really think God prepared her to be my mom with all that I have gone through. She has been a great support and I only hope I can be that for my kids one day. I am humbled by her love for me and my family. We all love her dearly and I guess that is what this life is all about. To have life experiences that help teach you how to love.
8:53pm -
Tonight my kids and I had a lot of reflection on Jan. Lots of tears and lots of discussion. This bitter pill is just difficult to swallow for everyone. I find it difficult to be their rock when I myself feel like a sandy shore. Perhaps that is when I will find my own testimony on this subject. I recall Stephen Covey (Author of 7 Habits of Highly Successful People) has said those who teach once learn twice. Perhaps that is what I am doing. Quick learning. I hope it leads to quick healing. At times I feel like I am speeding down a dark unknown street at night with my low-beams on. I'm on the edge of my seat trying to prepare for everything.
I think if Jan were here I would do many things differently. I have found the value in the written word and I believe I would just write her notes to tell her how much I care for her. Just small ones. I think I would put them in places she would frequent. I also think I would randomly take her out on a date to breakfast or something and arrange child care. I think I would be much more involved in our kids lives as far as planning. I think I would write in my journal specifically about activities we did together and how I felt. It is hard when someone you love passes because if all you have is the spoken word and it isn't recorded that person's voice and memories begin to fade. I don't want that to occur to me or my kids. I'm trying to gather all we have so our memories of her can always be close.
8:53pm -
Tonight my kids and I had a lot of reflection on Jan. Lots of tears and lots of discussion. This bitter pill is just difficult to swallow for everyone. I find it difficult to be their rock when I myself feel like a sandy shore. Perhaps that is when I will find my own testimony on this subject. I recall Stephen Covey (Author of 7 Habits of Highly Successful People) has said those who teach once learn twice. Perhaps that is what I am doing. Quick learning. I hope it leads to quick healing. At times I feel like I am speeding down a dark unknown street at night with my low-beams on. I'm on the edge of my seat trying to prepare for everything.
I think if Jan were here I would do many things differently. I have found the value in the written word and I believe I would just write her notes to tell her how much I care for her. Just small ones. I think I would put them in places she would frequent. I also think I would randomly take her out on a date to breakfast or something and arrange child care. I think I would be much more involved in our kids lives as far as planning. I think I would write in my journal specifically about activities we did together and how I felt. It is hard when someone you love passes because if all you have is the spoken word and it isn't recorded that person's voice and memories begin to fade. I don't want that to occur to me or my kids. I'm trying to gather all we have so our memories of her can always be close.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
24 Jan 2015 (35 days after The Day)
2:00 am -
I awoke to Claire whimpering and starting to stir. At 2:30 she was being fed. Grandma woke up and fed her. I did not feed her at 11 so she is starting to go longer between feedings at night. Yay! I told my mom that I needed to go back to bed. I felt no change physically and was just flat exhausted. I told her something was wrong because I feel like I do when you wake up from a Sunday afternoon nap when the sun is still high. I'm groggy and lethargic and you may expect that at 3 am but not at 7:49 am when I'm writing this. Sadness hit me last night and Ammon came into my room probably around 3 because of a nightmare. I haven't had the kids in my bed for about two weeks now and having him sleeping next to me was a bit healing. I just am amazed at the power of the sadness that hits. It really is overwhelming at times and for me debilitating. I have been able to push through it to function but if my kids weren't here or I didn't have other responsibilities I would probably just stay in bed all day. So today starts and my gusto for life is weak. I'm just a robot going through the motions.
8:35 pm -
My sister came up to visit and brought the baby bed that she used with her kids. We set it up and it is ready to go for tonight. This should help my back some. Claire is eating more and more and that is good. My kids are really enjoying being able to spend time with my sister and that is good. I'm exhausted again and can say I don't know of anything I really accomplished today. I did rearrange my bedroom which consisted of moving a dresser and setting up a baby bed but really that is about it. I think Ammon is going to sleep in my bed tonight. That is ok. We will see how it goes. Claire is crying and I feel extremely guilty for going to bed with my mom and sister taking care of Claire. When Claire cries I just feel like joining her. I know that sounds silly but lately that seems to be the trend.
I awoke to Claire whimpering and starting to stir. At 2:30 she was being fed. Grandma woke up and fed her. I did not feed her at 11 so she is starting to go longer between feedings at night. Yay! I told my mom that I needed to go back to bed. I felt no change physically and was just flat exhausted. I told her something was wrong because I feel like I do when you wake up from a Sunday afternoon nap when the sun is still high. I'm groggy and lethargic and you may expect that at 3 am but not at 7:49 am when I'm writing this. Sadness hit me last night and Ammon came into my room probably around 3 because of a nightmare. I haven't had the kids in my bed for about two weeks now and having him sleeping next to me was a bit healing. I just am amazed at the power of the sadness that hits. It really is overwhelming at times and for me debilitating. I have been able to push through it to function but if my kids weren't here or I didn't have other responsibilities I would probably just stay in bed all day. So today starts and my gusto for life is weak. I'm just a robot going through the motions.
8:35 pm -
My sister came up to visit and brought the baby bed that she used with her kids. We set it up and it is ready to go for tonight. This should help my back some. Claire is eating more and more and that is good. My kids are really enjoying being able to spend time with my sister and that is good. I'm exhausted again and can say I don't know of anything I really accomplished today. I did rearrange my bedroom which consisted of moving a dresser and setting up a baby bed but really that is about it. I think Ammon is going to sleep in my bed tonight. That is ok. We will see how it goes. Claire is crying and I feel extremely guilty for going to bed with my mom and sister taking care of Claire. When Claire cries I just feel like joining her. I know that sounds silly but lately that seems to be the trend.
Friday, January 23, 2015
23 Jan 2015 (34 days after The Day)
So Claire's doctor appointment went well but she isn't putting on much weight. She seems to be the only person in our family with that problem. :-) Anyway everything else looks good. She slept a lot last night and missed one of her feedings. I hope she keeps this schedule. It is something that I believe is doable long-term.
I find myself bombarded with work and that has helped a ton in keeping my mind busy. I also get a refresher in what is going on at home when I walk through the doors. I still have paper piled high and lots of projects that have spun off of Jan's death to deal with. All will be done but it will probably take some time. Every day seems to be the same. It is Friday but it could just as well be Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, or any other day. My ability to get back in the swing of schedules is just not there. I make appointments and meetings but it is a little different. I don't know how to explain it.
8:06 pm -
I am completely exhausted. I have some thoughts I would like go jot down before I retire for the evening but don't have the energy to write them so I will end this entry and write more tomorrow.
I find myself bombarded with work and that has helped a ton in keeping my mind busy. I also get a refresher in what is going on at home when I walk through the doors. I still have paper piled high and lots of projects that have spun off of Jan's death to deal with. All will be done but it will probably take some time. Every day seems to be the same. It is Friday but it could just as well be Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, or any other day. My ability to get back in the swing of schedules is just not there. I make appointments and meetings but it is a little different. I don't know how to explain it.
8:06 pm -
I am completely exhausted. I have some thoughts I would like go jot down before I retire for the evening but don't have the energy to write them so I will end this entry and write more tomorrow.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
22 Jan 2015 (33 days after The Day)
Well, I went to sleep last night absolutely exhausted. I thought I would sleep for an hour and get up to tend Claire. I woke up with my second alarm for the 3:00 am feeding and fed Claire. At 7:00 I asked my mom if she fed Claire at 11:00 and she said she had not. When I fed her at 3 she was asleep and eating so if this trend continues she may just sleep through the night.
I spoke with a good friend of mine yesterday about the feeling I have of being marooned on an island. For those that feel alone through a situation I don't know a better way of describing it. It is a forced loneliness. A loneliness forced by some event or action of another. Back in the day when a pirate was marooned on an island they gave him a gun with a single bullet to commit suicide. I always read about those that were stranded or isolated and felt bad for them but then this was just a story and didn't relate to my life so I didn't think much on it and I moved on. Going through this situation is not making it easy to move on. During a phase in my life I felt like I was on this island and very alone. When Jan and I married there was a feeling of leaving this isolated mental environment. There was great relief when I left that place 15 years ago and it was mainly because Jan and I clicked on so many levels. It was as if a new chapter in my life was started and that isolated island was in the past. When Jan passed I felt like I was thrust back on the island but this time with kids. I realize I am the one who decides how I am going to feel and I have control over this. I suppose I am just trying to make sense of it all. I still catch myself saying "if I can just get this one question answered by Jan I will know what I need to do". At the time I say it I actually believe I can get the answer. That moment is followed by feelings of sadness and isolation when reality kicks in. Perhaps this inward struggle is why I am so absolutely exhausted. I have never in my life had to purposely keep myself awake. It is somewhat like driving after long periods when all you want to do is pull over and take a nap only on this trip I have been driving for 33 days straight. Each day is a struggle and each day there are mental gymnastics to keep my game face on to get work done. But... getting these thoughts out is good and has been giving me a bit of healing. I'll take what I can get.
9:16 pm -
Today were a few tears from my kiddos. As the waves come in I'm glad I can be there for them. Claire's feeding schedule is all over the place. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow so we will see how things go. I think she is doing much better. She is losing hair around her head as she looks around. That is always a good sign! In the process I found that she has a birthmark on her head. We never could see because her hair is so dark and fine that it completely covers her scalp. She is getting accustomed to the wrap. She fights it at first but then calms down and goes to sleep. My mom put it on but could not get her to calm down. I put it on and she calmed down. Perhaps she is getting to know me a bit.
I asked yesterday to be released from a calling I had in church. In my church everyone volunteers and my Bishop had asked that I teach the 12-13 yr old Sunday school. It has been one of my most favorite activities. Perhaps that is because I am mentally right there with them. Anyways, with everything going on with Claire I thought it wise to ask to be released for the time being. I had a sub filling in for me since all of this happened and I didn't think it was fair to have a permanent sub so I'm being released and the Bishop will call someone else to be the teacher. This is both happy and sad. Once the dust settles I'll pick back up with something else I am sure.
My kids are all asleep so I am going to do the same while I can. Oh how I miss this time of the night with Jan. I would get to talk with Jan and review all that is going on. I may just turn on one of those shows she would watch just to feel a bit closer..... that also makes me feel worse afterward so perhaps I'll just skip that and go straight to sleep.
I spoke with a good friend of mine yesterday about the feeling I have of being marooned on an island. For those that feel alone through a situation I don't know a better way of describing it. It is a forced loneliness. A loneliness forced by some event or action of another. Back in the day when a pirate was marooned on an island they gave him a gun with a single bullet to commit suicide. I always read about those that were stranded or isolated and felt bad for them but then this was just a story and didn't relate to my life so I didn't think much on it and I moved on. Going through this situation is not making it easy to move on. During a phase in my life I felt like I was on this island and very alone. When Jan and I married there was a feeling of leaving this isolated mental environment. There was great relief when I left that place 15 years ago and it was mainly because Jan and I clicked on so many levels. It was as if a new chapter in my life was started and that isolated island was in the past. When Jan passed I felt like I was thrust back on the island but this time with kids. I realize I am the one who decides how I am going to feel and I have control over this. I suppose I am just trying to make sense of it all. I still catch myself saying "if I can just get this one question answered by Jan I will know what I need to do". At the time I say it I actually believe I can get the answer. That moment is followed by feelings of sadness and isolation when reality kicks in. Perhaps this inward struggle is why I am so absolutely exhausted. I have never in my life had to purposely keep myself awake. It is somewhat like driving after long periods when all you want to do is pull over and take a nap only on this trip I have been driving for 33 days straight. Each day is a struggle and each day there are mental gymnastics to keep my game face on to get work done. But... getting these thoughts out is good and has been giving me a bit of healing. I'll take what I can get.
9:16 pm -
Today were a few tears from my kiddos. As the waves come in I'm glad I can be there for them. Claire's feeding schedule is all over the place. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow so we will see how things go. I think she is doing much better. She is losing hair around her head as she looks around. That is always a good sign! In the process I found that she has a birthmark on her head. We never could see because her hair is so dark and fine that it completely covers her scalp. She is getting accustomed to the wrap. She fights it at first but then calms down and goes to sleep. My mom put it on but could not get her to calm down. I put it on and she calmed down. Perhaps she is getting to know me a bit.
I asked yesterday to be released from a calling I had in church. In my church everyone volunteers and my Bishop had asked that I teach the 12-13 yr old Sunday school. It has been one of my most favorite activities. Perhaps that is because I am mentally right there with them. Anyways, with everything going on with Claire I thought it wise to ask to be released for the time being. I had a sub filling in for me since all of this happened and I didn't think it was fair to have a permanent sub so I'm being released and the Bishop will call someone else to be the teacher. This is both happy and sad. Once the dust settles I'll pick back up with something else I am sure.
My kids are all asleep so I am going to do the same while I can. Oh how I miss this time of the night with Jan. I would get to talk with Jan and review all that is going on. I may just turn on one of those shows she would watch just to feel a bit closer..... that also makes me feel worse afterward so perhaps I'll just skip that and go straight to sleep.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
21 Jan 2015 (32 days after The Day)
So I've been thinking on a poem called the The Guy in the Glass by Dale Wimbrow (c) 1934. It goes like this:
I think on this poem as it relates to my healing. I am constantly asking myself if I am being true and honest with myself. When it comes to healing I hope I can help my kids heal and more importantly give them resources to help themselves. I also hope I am a friend to the Guy in the Glass. I think all to often we can get pulled into being or doing things to please others. I suppose this relates back to my wife's desire to be authentic and not respond to patterns that people carry. It is funny how her life has been a huge help to me in my personal growth. It is like we seek out companions that can strengthen us. I have seen this in companions of my friends and associates. We jokingly refer to our spouse/companion as "our better half" when in reality each of us has both good and bad attributes. Both make us who we are. Not just one. Not just the other. We all have potential that is limitless and it is on this that I ponder and hope I can be all that I can be.
6:00 pm -
Tonight I have a daddy-son date with Ammon. I think we are going out for an ice-cream at Sonic. We normally pretend we are in a spaceship as we sit and eat our treat. Emma and Madilyn have a church activity tonight so after Sonic I will go and pick them up.
I have thought a lot on Jan today and the companionship she offered. She and I would just talk and I suppose I am just realizing how much that meant to me. Even if we didn't talk much we would just sit together on the couch and watch a show. I miss that. She would call me a "big dork" because the kids and I would laugh at silly things and Jan wouldn't. I swear that still makes me smile today. That to me takes more control to not laugh when everyone else is! Ah... anyway, fun memories.
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,And the world makes you King for a day,Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,Who judgement upon you must pass.The feller whose verdict counts most in your lifeIs the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,For he's with you clear up to the end,And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult testIf the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,And think you're a wonderful guy,But the man in the glass says you're only a bumIf you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,And get pats on the back as you pass,But your final reward will be heartaches and tearsIf you've cheated the guy in the glass.
I think on this poem as it relates to my healing. I am constantly asking myself if I am being true and honest with myself. When it comes to healing I hope I can help my kids heal and more importantly give them resources to help themselves. I also hope I am a friend to the Guy in the Glass. I think all to often we can get pulled into being or doing things to please others. I suppose this relates back to my wife's desire to be authentic and not respond to patterns that people carry. It is funny how her life has been a huge help to me in my personal growth. It is like we seek out companions that can strengthen us. I have seen this in companions of my friends and associates. We jokingly refer to our spouse/companion as "our better half" when in reality each of us has both good and bad attributes. Both make us who we are. Not just one. Not just the other. We all have potential that is limitless and it is on this that I ponder and hope I can be all that I can be.
6:00 pm -
Tonight I have a daddy-son date with Ammon. I think we are going out for an ice-cream at Sonic. We normally pretend we are in a spaceship as we sit and eat our treat. Emma and Madilyn have a church activity tonight so after Sonic I will go and pick them up.
I have thought a lot on Jan today and the companionship she offered. She and I would just talk and I suppose I am just realizing how much that meant to me. Even if we didn't talk much we would just sit together on the couch and watch a show. I miss that. She would call me a "big dork" because the kids and I would laugh at silly things and Jan wouldn't. I swear that still makes me smile today. That to me takes more control to not laugh when everyone else is! Ah... anyway, fun memories.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)