12:57 pm -
After juggling some things at work I took Claire to her first Dr. appointment. All went well. We will see a neurologist in the near future (2 weeks). We have another appointment with the doctor in about 10 days. He said she looks good and there are no apparent issues. That is good news.
I then had a call from my medical insurance company asking if I wanted to have a case worker for my claims. Um... yes. She asked if I have any financial difficulties. I asked if she was referring to before or after this incident. She asked if I was feeling depressed. hmm... I wonder. I never thought bringing Claire home would result in another wave of depression. She asked if I would be open to anti-depressants. I said I would be open to counseling more than just popping a pill to bury my feelings. Perhaps I am opinionated on the subject but I think it is OK to have feelings. To feel. To feel angry, happy, sad, depressed, grief, elation, etc... these are OK. To force yourself to not feel one of these seems a greater ill. So I feel angry... or depressed. It is a season and it will end. I will have gone through it and be able to help those that haven't. I know from past experience I have lived through events that have tested my mental/spiritual/emotional strength and I have emerged the stronger. I have no reason to believe this will be any different. Is it tough? Is it unpleasant? Yes, but so what? Nobody said life was without growth. It is like we pray to be like Christ but then shirk at the time when we have to stretch and grow. We may even pray to not have those hard times. Just like working out... you may be sore for a couple of days but your body grows to be stronger than before. It is life and it is high time that I feel and heal. After all the end-result is the effect of the journey. The journey is what matters. It all begins with a single point of time. A decision.
11:19 pm -
Well, Claire and I worked on our bonding this evening. She is determined not to take more than two oz at the 11 pm feeding. So, she is back to sleep and I'm sure she will be ready at 3:00 am for grandma. Having Claire back is tough. I never realized how tough it would be. Not the duties of fatherhood but the absence of motherhood. I just flat out miss Jan. There is no grand phrase or words to use. I just miss her.
11:37 pm -
I've had multiple people share with me how this blog has helped them. I never imagined that it would be helpful to others but I am glad it is. I suppose we all can appreciate another person's trials and see a little of ourselves in them. All in all - I'm sure everything with my family will work out in the end... the journey though is the toughest I have ever traveled. It brings new meaning to the poem of footprints in the sand. If you haven't read it, Google it. The feeling of isolation and being alone is huge. My sister used the phrase bittersweet. I do not believe that is a good word to capture how I am feeling. The extreme is not captured in that phrase. It is the extreme sorrow/sadness mixed with extreme happiness and joy that is so difficult to capture. As a friend stated earlier today "joy and pain at the same time". What is missing from the phrase bittersweet is the word pain. I find myself continually telling Jan that this isn't the way it was supposed to work. When I'm feeding Claire... when I am going from Emma/Madilyn's room, to Ammon's, to mine... back and forth like a ball in a pinball machine. How does a single parent do this? I asked my mom who raised me and my other 2 sisters alone. She just said what I feel. You just do it. You don't think about how you will do it... you just take one day/moment at a time. As it was with her so it is with me.
I'm going to try to get some sleep so I can function tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Monday, January 12, 2015
12 Jan 2015 (23 days after The Day)
7:54 am -
Well, Emma awoke without fever. Ammon still has fever. Madilyn is still sleeping and grandma and I are up. We are excited to get Claire and bring her home. We have quarantined our kids in their rooms until they are symptom free.
I'm on my way to work and will attempt getting some things accomplished. It is different now. My priorities in life seem to have shifted. Don't get me wrong, I still love my job.... I just have a different viewpoint. As Robin Williams taught his class in the movie Dead Poets Society to stand on their desktop... so it is with my life. Different perspectives shift your actions.
Gone are the rote actions of a then robotic Rob. I desire to improve my relationships with people. After all... people are what matter.
5:50 pm -
Well, we went and got Claire. She is sleeping in her new bed! :-) She slept the entire way home. I'm getting everything organized on where the diapers and wipes need to be. I know... I know... a little late. My wife would just laugh at me. Claire is sleeping and I am enjoying her being at home. I'm sure there will me more updates later in the day. Yay!!
10:53 pm -
So I fed her and gave her the medicine she is on. She took the meds once we got going but getting there left a portion on her and not in her. Oh well... she is good. I played some Debussy for her on my phone and wept. I then played some Dave Brubeck (Take 5). I figured she could get a little of both mom and dad's music. She enjoyed both. She slept. I slept and now I'm up for the 11:00 pm feeding. Grandma is taking the 3 am slot.
More tomorrow. :-)
Well, Emma awoke without fever. Ammon still has fever. Madilyn is still sleeping and grandma and I are up. We are excited to get Claire and bring her home. We have quarantined our kids in their rooms until they are symptom free.
I'm on my way to work and will attempt getting some things accomplished. It is different now. My priorities in life seem to have shifted. Don't get me wrong, I still love my job.... I just have a different viewpoint. As Robin Williams taught his class in the movie Dead Poets Society to stand on their desktop... so it is with my life. Different perspectives shift your actions.
Gone are the rote actions of a then robotic Rob. I desire to improve my relationships with people. After all... people are what matter.
5:50 pm -
Well, we went and got Claire. She is sleeping in her new bed! :-) She slept the entire way home. I'm getting everything organized on where the diapers and wipes need to be. I know... I know... a little late. My wife would just laugh at me. Claire is sleeping and I am enjoying her being at home. I'm sure there will me more updates later in the day. Yay!!
10:53 pm -
So I fed her and gave her the medicine she is on. She took the meds once we got going but getting there left a portion on her and not in her. Oh well... she is good. I played some Debussy for her on my phone and wept. I then played some Dave Brubeck (Take 5). I figured she could get a little of both mom and dad's music. She enjoyed both. She slept. I slept and now I'm up for the 11:00 pm feeding. Grandma is taking the 3 am slot.
More tomorrow. :-)
Sunday, January 11, 2015
11 Jan 2015 (22 days after The Day)
7:55 am -
So today is the day. Claire is coming home. I'm trying to prep the house and get things in order. I'm trying to figure out how to get things in order and as I look around my room I am a little overwhelmed. I will go through and get things cleaned up today. Madilyn and Ammon slept in my bed last night. I'm probably going to go to church for the first hour and then come home.
I spoke with Jan about 4 months ago about Pinterest. She started using it a long time ago and loves it. It is funny. As an IT professional you would think I would be into all the new things but I am not. I learn about them and wait for the dust to settle to see if the technology will be sustainable. Well, yesterday, I signed up with Pinterest and found another side to my wife. I found little notes she had written on the posts and I felt a little closer to her.
I logged into Facebook and found there were about 15 friend requests. Some were from people I know and others were not. I started using Facebook to just track those with whom I am close but with all that has happened my use of Facebook has changed. The same thing for Google Plus.
2:30 pm-
I just got back from taking Emma to the doctor. She has some sort of stomach bug and we needed to ensure it wasn't the flu. The doctor believes it is either food poisoning or some kind of stomach bug. Either way Claire's discharge is being delayed. :-( I'm sad that Claire isn't coming home today but thankful that she won't be sick. I have quarantined Emma to her room just to be safe.
When I called the NICU I found out that Claire has eaten 130 ml today (about 4.4 oz) at one feeding. She was a happy girl once she ate and was getting a bath. I'm so excited to have her come home.
3:15 pm -
Ammon has a fever and is super cranky. Great. He got some medicine and is lying down in his bed in his room. I'm on the floor by his bed. He doesn't want to be alone. If this continues I may just get Claire and go stay in a hotel or somewhere away from sick people! NICU makes the Ritz-Carlton look like the Days Inn. In 20 years I'm sure there will be some laughter about all of this.
7:29 pm -
So, Ammon finally went to sleep. I believe for the night. His fever broke and that is good. Emma is also feeling much better. Let's hope this trend continues!! While I was waiting for him to go to sleep I read the majority of a book called "What's on the other side" by Brent L. Top. It was mailed to me directly after my wife passed. I am always fascinated by those who have glimpsed the other side and I suppose this book just gives another viewpoint to this. There is a scripture that is referenced in the book that reads like this
The author and I both have thought the same thing... who are these "angels" that would bear you up? Some random stranger angel? No. To me it makes sense that it is our family that has departed this life. Those good souls that are striving to do what is right. Angels of God. Yes, it sounds silly perhaps, but to me it connects some dots that after this life we have the opportunity to help our kids/family and strengthen them to help them through tough times. When I have said at times I feel like Jan is near... well, this helped confirm feelings that are hard to verbalize or write. I should be a basket case with all that has occurred but I feel like I have had support. Support from those that are keeping us in our thoughts and prayers as well as support from God. I believes this includes those that support God's will or angels.. or perhaps better stated... kindred dead that are humble followers of righteousness.
I have thought how death or some tragic event can turn a person to God. I am probably like all of God's children... I act like a stubborn teenager who knows best. Events like this help humble those to better hear God's voice. I know I have grown closer to the things that really matter. I suppose that is what tragic events are all about. To help a person focus on what is really important. In the grand scheme of things I really do believe I will see Jan and others that have departed this life again; however, it is just hard parting for a time.
I have a babysitter lined up for tomorrow. I'll be picking up Claire in the afternoon assuming everyone here is OK. Ammon woke up and I am back in his room. I may end up sleeping in this chair. I don't know which is worse... sleeping upright in a chair or being kicked during the night by Madilyn. Oh well... I'm sure I'll sleep regardless. I'm looking at my son as he is sleeping and realizing how fortunate I am to be his father. He has a good heart. That is what matters. I hope I can help him to be his very best. I hope I can do that for all my kids.
So today is the day. Claire is coming home. I'm trying to prep the house and get things in order. I'm trying to figure out how to get things in order and as I look around my room I am a little overwhelmed. I will go through and get things cleaned up today. Madilyn and Ammon slept in my bed last night. I'm probably going to go to church for the first hour and then come home.
I spoke with Jan about 4 months ago about Pinterest. She started using it a long time ago and loves it. It is funny. As an IT professional you would think I would be into all the new things but I am not. I learn about them and wait for the dust to settle to see if the technology will be sustainable. Well, yesterday, I signed up with Pinterest and found another side to my wife. I found little notes she had written on the posts and I felt a little closer to her.
I logged into Facebook and found there were about 15 friend requests. Some were from people I know and others were not. I started using Facebook to just track those with whom I am close but with all that has happened my use of Facebook has changed. The same thing for Google Plus.
2:30 pm-
I just got back from taking Emma to the doctor. She has some sort of stomach bug and we needed to ensure it wasn't the flu. The doctor believes it is either food poisoning or some kind of stomach bug. Either way Claire's discharge is being delayed. :-( I'm sad that Claire isn't coming home today but thankful that she won't be sick. I have quarantined Emma to her room just to be safe.
When I called the NICU I found out that Claire has eaten 130 ml today (about 4.4 oz) at one feeding. She was a happy girl once she ate and was getting a bath. I'm so excited to have her come home.
3:15 pm -
Ammon has a fever and is super cranky. Great. He got some medicine and is lying down in his bed in his room. I'm on the floor by his bed. He doesn't want to be alone. If this continues I may just get Claire and go stay in a hotel or somewhere away from sick people! NICU makes the Ritz-Carlton look like the Days Inn. In 20 years I'm sure there will be some laughter about all of this.
7:29 pm -
So, Ammon finally went to sleep. I believe for the night. His fever broke and that is good. Emma is also feeling much better. Let's hope this trend continues!! While I was waiting for him to go to sleep I read the majority of a book called "What's on the other side" by Brent L. Top. It was mailed to me directly after my wife passed. I am always fascinated by those who have glimpsed the other side and I suppose this book just gives another viewpoint to this. There is a scripture that is referenced in the book that reads like this
I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you to bear you up.
The author and I both have thought the same thing... who are these "angels" that would bear you up? Some random stranger angel? No. To me it makes sense that it is our family that has departed this life. Those good souls that are striving to do what is right. Angels of God. Yes, it sounds silly perhaps, but to me it connects some dots that after this life we have the opportunity to help our kids/family and strengthen them to help them through tough times. When I have said at times I feel like Jan is near... well, this helped confirm feelings that are hard to verbalize or write. I should be a basket case with all that has occurred but I feel like I have had support. Support from those that are keeping us in our thoughts and prayers as well as support from God. I believes this includes those that support God's will or angels.. or perhaps better stated... kindred dead that are humble followers of righteousness.
I have thought how death or some tragic event can turn a person to God. I am probably like all of God's children... I act like a stubborn teenager who knows best. Events like this help humble those to better hear God's voice. I know I have grown closer to the things that really matter. I suppose that is what tragic events are all about. To help a person focus on what is really important. In the grand scheme of things I really do believe I will see Jan and others that have departed this life again; however, it is just hard parting for a time.
I have a babysitter lined up for tomorrow. I'll be picking up Claire in the afternoon assuming everyone here is OK. Ammon woke up and I am back in his room. I may end up sleeping in this chair. I don't know which is worse... sleeping upright in a chair or being kicked during the night by Madilyn. Oh well... I'm sure I'll sleep regardless. I'm looking at my son as he is sleeping and realizing how fortunate I am to be his father. He has a good heart. That is what matters. I hope I can help him to be his very best. I hope I can do that for all my kids.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
10 Jan 2015 (21 days after The Day)
12:13 pm -
So I'm holding Claire while she is going to sleep. I'm staying in a sleeping room with her today here at the Plano NICU and she has been awake most of my visit. I believe we are on schedule to bring her home tomorrow! What a blessing!!
12:43 pm -
She is officially asleep. I've held her since about 7:45 this morning and that was some very good bonding time. I went through the Plano NICU CPR training and now it is just Claire and me in this room. She is sleeping and I am typing. I got up early this morning for the 40 mile drive up here. I just couldn't sleep much. I awoke with anticipation that I will be able to spend the day here. I both value and dislike alone time. I had more conversations with Jan on the way up to see Claire. I know communication is a two-way street but suffice it to say I felt like I was not alone.... but yet I was. It is difficult to describe. Anyway, it was a teary 40 mile trip. I arrived and the day began. I feel so much better to have her coming home and at the same time a bit of panic has set in as I question if everything is in order. My wife was so good at looking at the entire picture. She was getting everything in order prior to Claire's birth. Here I am about to bring her home and I'm asking... "do we have all we need for her crib?". I'm sure Jan is shaking her head as she pats my back to say.... "You will get there eventually dear". So I have four kids and yet every time we have an infant in our home my mind goes blank with some of the duties and it takes a moment to get back up to speed. It is good that as infants they just eat, sleep, poop and pee. It is like God's natural plan to help kids and parents get up to speed together.
I've been thinking of all that Jan did as a parent to our kids. I just took for granted all that she did. I can recall Jan asking me to watch our oldest daughter when she was about a year old so Jan could go take a nap. I said, "Sure, no problem". It started out going well. Then I fell asleep. Jan said afterwards that Emma was screaming not 6 inches from my face and I was completely out. Those days are gone. I was just selfish. I thought of me alone and while my wife and I differed on what was an acceptable amount of time to allow Emma to cry I could have taken Emma out of the house so Jan could sleep. I would like to say that was an isolated incident. It isn't. Over the years I have improved at being less selfish. I just wish I could have been a better husband while she was here. I did implement some good habits on my own. I mean, I would wash the dishes, take out the trash, do laundry, clean up, etc... without being asked. This was the new normal for some time. This was really done by me asking myself "What would I want someone to do for me?" I would tell Jan I loved her on a daily basis. She often looked at me and asked "Why do you keep saying that?". My response has not changed. "I just want you to know it". Jan's "love language" was not by expressing love through words but by deeds. I found that when I picked up around the house, went shopping for food, did laundry and the dishes, etc... it was a way for her to receive that I cared for her. I still told her though. That was important for me. She had a difficult time accepting love from others. She had some major trust violations in her life and while she worked through all of those I felt she was on the road to recovery prior to her passing. As I said earlier - I hope she has healing now. So, what would I have done differently? I suppose I would have taken more ownership with the kids in all they do. I left so much up to her. I would have taken more ownership during activity planning or holiday trips. I know people say you have the equivalent of beer goggles on when someone passes and you look at them as a saint. I know Jan had normal issues as most people do. I'm not trying to act like she was perfect. I only wish I could share another moment with her and just hold her hand and express how much I care for her. It is silly but a reality when I think of where I am mentally with all of this. I don't even think it has really clicked yet. I mean really really clicked. I think it will come with time.
10:06 pm -
I had to leave my car seat with the NICU to do a study of Claire in it. Our car seat was special ordered for Ammon since he was big and outgrew the normal one we had when we was about 2. Anyways, the lady in the NICU thought I was nuts bringing in this huge seat but it can accommodate an infant so I think we are good to go.
I had a couple of discussions with the NICU staff today. They are heartbroken about the situation and feel bad that all has occurred. One of them purchased some gifts for my family since Claire is leaving tomorrow. They want us to stay in touch and that is heartwarming.
After the drive there, spending all day there, and then driving home - I am exhausted. More tomorrow. One parting thought... below is a pic of Claire smiling at me before I left. I absolutely needed it.
So I'm holding Claire while she is going to sleep. I'm staying in a sleeping room with her today here at the Plano NICU and she has been awake most of my visit. I believe we are on schedule to bring her home tomorrow! What a blessing!!
12:43 pm -
She is officially asleep. I've held her since about 7:45 this morning and that was some very good bonding time. I went through the Plano NICU CPR training and now it is just Claire and me in this room. She is sleeping and I am typing. I got up early this morning for the 40 mile drive up here. I just couldn't sleep much. I awoke with anticipation that I will be able to spend the day here. I both value and dislike alone time. I had more conversations with Jan on the way up to see Claire. I know communication is a two-way street but suffice it to say I felt like I was not alone.... but yet I was. It is difficult to describe. Anyway, it was a teary 40 mile trip. I arrived and the day began. I feel so much better to have her coming home and at the same time a bit of panic has set in as I question if everything is in order. My wife was so good at looking at the entire picture. She was getting everything in order prior to Claire's birth. Here I am about to bring her home and I'm asking... "do we have all we need for her crib?". I'm sure Jan is shaking her head as she pats my back to say.... "You will get there eventually dear". So I have four kids and yet every time we have an infant in our home my mind goes blank with some of the duties and it takes a moment to get back up to speed. It is good that as infants they just eat, sleep, poop and pee. It is like God's natural plan to help kids and parents get up to speed together.
I've been thinking of all that Jan did as a parent to our kids. I just took for granted all that she did. I can recall Jan asking me to watch our oldest daughter when she was about a year old so Jan could go take a nap. I said, "Sure, no problem". It started out going well. Then I fell asleep. Jan said afterwards that Emma was screaming not 6 inches from my face and I was completely out. Those days are gone. I was just selfish. I thought of me alone and while my wife and I differed on what was an acceptable amount of time to allow Emma to cry I could have taken Emma out of the house so Jan could sleep. I would like to say that was an isolated incident. It isn't. Over the years I have improved at being less selfish. I just wish I could have been a better husband while she was here. I did implement some good habits on my own. I mean, I would wash the dishes, take out the trash, do laundry, clean up, etc... without being asked. This was the new normal for some time. This was really done by me asking myself "What would I want someone to do for me?" I would tell Jan I loved her on a daily basis. She often looked at me and asked "Why do you keep saying that?". My response has not changed. "I just want you to know it". Jan's "love language" was not by expressing love through words but by deeds. I found that when I picked up around the house, went shopping for food, did laundry and the dishes, etc... it was a way for her to receive that I cared for her. I still told her though. That was important for me. She had a difficult time accepting love from others. She had some major trust violations in her life and while she worked through all of those I felt she was on the road to recovery prior to her passing. As I said earlier - I hope she has healing now. So, what would I have done differently? I suppose I would have taken more ownership with the kids in all they do. I left so much up to her. I would have taken more ownership during activity planning or holiday trips. I know people say you have the equivalent of beer goggles on when someone passes and you look at them as a saint. I know Jan had normal issues as most people do. I'm not trying to act like she was perfect. I only wish I could share another moment with her and just hold her hand and express how much I care for her. It is silly but a reality when I think of where I am mentally with all of this. I don't even think it has really clicked yet. I mean really really clicked. I think it will come with time.
10:06 pm -
I had to leave my car seat with the NICU to do a study of Claire in it. Our car seat was special ordered for Ammon since he was big and outgrew the normal one we had when we was about 2. Anyways, the lady in the NICU thought I was nuts bringing in this huge seat but it can accommodate an infant so I think we are good to go.
I had a couple of discussions with the NICU staff today. They are heartbroken about the situation and feel bad that all has occurred. One of them purchased some gifts for my family since Claire is leaving tomorrow. They want us to stay in touch and that is heartwarming.
After the drive there, spending all day there, and then driving home - I am exhausted. More tomorrow. One parting thought... below is a pic of Claire smiling at me before I left. I absolutely needed it.
Friday, January 9, 2015
9 Jan 2015 (20 days after The Day)
Well, the night started off with Emma and Madilyn in my bed... Emma left in the middle of the night and Madilyn had to be relocated. She was absolutely sideways on the bed. She asked "Where did Emma go?" I wonder. Once Madilyn was straightened out all seemed to go well. The hospital wants me to do a sleep study or stay over with Claire. They want to make sure I know how to handle a new born. Um... did I mention Claire is my fourth child? Well, apparently they have issues with this and wonder if I know how to change a diaper. I wonder if they would do this if Jan was still here. Anyway, I will do this whenever they want me to. I used to see how quickly I could change a diaper when the kids were about 2. It was a race because.... well... the smell mandated that it needed to be fast. My sense of smell has diminished over the years but I knew if I could smell it - it was bad. So, I found myself as a rodeo cowboy changing diapers. I always kept it entertaining for my kids. We always used the plastic bags from Wal-Mart, Target, Kroger, etc... for the diaper disposal. We tried the diaper pail bit but when both Jan and I almost passed out because of the smell when changing it we both thought the same thing.... marketing did a good job at selling this. Now that these bags are selling in Dallas for 5 cents I am getting cheap again. 5 cents to throw away a diaper? Maybe that is a good investment!
I was reading in the scriptures about the flood. How Noah lived for hundreds of years. I often think of the grief I am going through and how I would like it to end quickly. Back in those days it is written that people normally lived hundreds of years. I would imagine that death in childbirth was not that uncommon. I think about how the husbands felt afterward having to live for another 400 years. When I think of living another 50 years I just get depressed and I cannot imagine living another 400. I never realized how much of a friend Jan was. I have very few close friends. Sure, I'm as social as the next guy.... well... maybe not. Ok, so I'm not that social. I am an introvert and would gladly choose a night watching TV over a party. Going to a party for me is like connecting a vacuum to my energy. (All together now.... ) "Let it go.. let it go... " I'm a private person (this blog is the only thing that says otherwise) and don't have a lot of close friends. I just don't. I never have. Jan's loss is very impactful to me because she really was my best friend. She was just as introverted and when the door closed to our home we were like "Phew.... now we can relax". We would share daily experiences and we grew closer. We always ate dinner together except on the occasion that I had to work late. We talked and discussed things. Building that level of trust with someone is not easy for me and I feel myself turning into Tom Hanks from Cast Away when he started talking to Wilson (the volleyball). I suppose time will heal these wounds. And while I joke about developing schizophrenic traits during my grieving period it is really just the painful realization that Jan is gone and my way of working through the pain. I have always found humor to be healing. I strive to help my kids laugh and smile again. I think it helps everyone.
8:27 pm -
Kids are hyper tonight. Generally that normally ends with tears. My kids have chores for morning, afternoon, and evening and I'm attempting to ensure we get these done before everyone is ready for bed. My wife and I read the book "A House United" by Nicholeen Peck which was a long read but we really tested the contents and it works. It helped get our kids from being wild animals to being contributing members of our family. Some people looked at us as crazy when we deal with our kids a certain way but all I know is it works. Anyway, our kids doing chores helps our home be more manageable. Jan and I were working to implement Nicholeen's system fully and we haven't yet; however, what we have implemented has worked. It is just hard. Anyway... Kids are doing chores. I'm thankful that they are learning life skills early. Luckily our system in our home wasn't like normal society so with my wife's departure there isn't a panic of how to run the house as some might expect. The kids all take turns with laundry, dishes, trash, cleaning the bathrooms, etc... so the trick I have is snapping out of this funk to actually follow-up with them to ensure this stuff is getting done.
Tonight my daughter expressed concern about Ammon and his grieving process with Jan's death. I have been so bombarded with all of the to-dos surrounding Jan's death that counseling for my kids was shelved. How absolutely asinine. I mean... I'm more worried to ensure bills get paid then real issues staring me in the face. Sometimes it is difficult to see the forest from the trees. I'm setting up an appointment for all of us.
I've been battling complete exhaustion during the day. Not the "Oh, I'm tired because I just ate Mexican food"... it is the "Holy cow I think I've been drugged or something and I'm going ..... (snore)" When I finished work today I slept like I hadn't in a long time. I awoke lethargic and getting moving again was a chore. I don't know what this is all about but it is new. I don't think I will have a problem sleeping tonight.
I have a sleep study moment with Claire starting tomorrow morning. I am supposed to be there for 3 feedings. Once that is done I believe she will be released on Sunday. I have a Doctor's appointment scheduled for Tuesday so these are absolute blessings lining up that will allow Claire to come home.
With that being said, I'm off to bed. Here is hoping that Ammon and I test well tomorrow. He's going for his blue belt (with grandma taking pictures) and I will be doing the sleep study. One day at a time.
I was reading in the scriptures about the flood. How Noah lived for hundreds of years. I often think of the grief I am going through and how I would like it to end quickly. Back in those days it is written that people normally lived hundreds of years. I would imagine that death in childbirth was not that uncommon. I think about how the husbands felt afterward having to live for another 400 years. When I think of living another 50 years I just get depressed and I cannot imagine living another 400. I never realized how much of a friend Jan was. I have very few close friends. Sure, I'm as social as the next guy.... well... maybe not. Ok, so I'm not that social. I am an introvert and would gladly choose a night watching TV over a party. Going to a party for me is like connecting a vacuum to my energy. (All together now.... ) "Let it go.. let it go... " I'm a private person (this blog is the only thing that says otherwise) and don't have a lot of close friends. I just don't. I never have. Jan's loss is very impactful to me because she really was my best friend. She was just as introverted and when the door closed to our home we were like "Phew.... now we can relax". We would share daily experiences and we grew closer. We always ate dinner together except on the occasion that I had to work late. We talked and discussed things. Building that level of trust with someone is not easy for me and I feel myself turning into Tom Hanks from Cast Away when he started talking to Wilson (the volleyball). I suppose time will heal these wounds. And while I joke about developing schizophrenic traits during my grieving period it is really just the painful realization that Jan is gone and my way of working through the pain. I have always found humor to be healing. I strive to help my kids laugh and smile again. I think it helps everyone.
8:27 pm -
Kids are hyper tonight. Generally that normally ends with tears. My kids have chores for morning, afternoon, and evening and I'm attempting to ensure we get these done before everyone is ready for bed. My wife and I read the book "A House United" by Nicholeen Peck which was a long read but we really tested the contents and it works. It helped get our kids from being wild animals to being contributing members of our family. Some people looked at us as crazy when we deal with our kids a certain way but all I know is it works. Anyway, our kids doing chores helps our home be more manageable. Jan and I were working to implement Nicholeen's system fully and we haven't yet; however, what we have implemented has worked. It is just hard. Anyway... Kids are doing chores. I'm thankful that they are learning life skills early. Luckily our system in our home wasn't like normal society so with my wife's departure there isn't a panic of how to run the house as some might expect. The kids all take turns with laundry, dishes, trash, cleaning the bathrooms, etc... so the trick I have is snapping out of this funk to actually follow-up with them to ensure this stuff is getting done.
Tonight my daughter expressed concern about Ammon and his grieving process with Jan's death. I have been so bombarded with all of the to-dos surrounding Jan's death that counseling for my kids was shelved. How absolutely asinine. I mean... I'm more worried to ensure bills get paid then real issues staring me in the face. Sometimes it is difficult to see the forest from the trees. I'm setting up an appointment for all of us.
I've been battling complete exhaustion during the day. Not the "Oh, I'm tired because I just ate Mexican food"... it is the "Holy cow I think I've been drugged or something and I'm going ..... (snore)" When I finished work today I slept like I hadn't in a long time. I awoke lethargic and getting moving again was a chore. I don't know what this is all about but it is new. I don't think I will have a problem sleeping tonight.
I have a sleep study moment with Claire starting tomorrow morning. I am supposed to be there for 3 feedings. Once that is done I believe she will be released on Sunday. I have a Doctor's appointment scheduled for Tuesday so these are absolute blessings lining up that will allow Claire to come home.
With that being said, I'm off to bed. Here is hoping that Ammon and I test well tomorrow. He's going for his blue belt (with grandma taking pictures) and I will be doing the sleep study. One day at a time.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
8 Jan 2015 (19 days after The Day)
6:43 am -
Madilyn slept in my bed last night. I didn't have to relocate her to her side of the bed or anything. It was very odd. Anyway, amidst all of this our family computer is infected with a virus. I'm sure it was something simple my daughter accidentally did as the machine is used 99% of the time by the kids but nonetheless I am in the process of rebuilding it. It is giving me an opportunity to search for images/movies that may have my wife in them. Chances are she is in videos that my kids recorded while using her phone or something. Nothing like a homemade video 4 feet off the ground. We have pictures of toys (mainly dolls), funny faces, and theatrical performances in our home. We have homemade videos using some software on my wife's iPad singing "It's raining tacos" and "Space Unicorns". For those that have lived through this you understand what I mean. Those songs rival the "Let it Go" song from Disney's Frozen. A catchy tune that you find singing at work. Yes, I've had my moments at the copier humming Space Unicorns. Anyway.... lots of videos and fun memories. My wife may be in the background of these videos.
Today my kids will go back to a school my wife founded. Management has shifted in this school and it will continue forward. We had many homeschooling families register and while it isn't a school they go to daily it does provide homeschooling kids opportunities to meet other children that are taught at home. They build strong relationships and get opportunities to participate in group activities around a myriad of topics (science, math, history, languages, etc..). Since Jan founded this school the new management team will pay tribute to her for a short moment this morning. I hope my kids can handle this. For most it is an opportunity to reflect, cry, and move on. For my kids it is reliving a nightmare that won't end. I told my children that if it is too much to seek out one the new torchbearer or leader/president of the school. I shared my concerns with both this new leader as well my kids. I hope all goes well.
My son asked if we could go visit mom's grave. I said we could. That was yesterday and with all the activities in the eventing we didn't get to go. Today I will take him if he is up to it.
Claire's health is getting better and better. Yesterday she took about 3.3 oz in one feeding. I'm so happy for her continued improvement.
6:01 pm-
Claire had her feeding tube removed. I am interviewing a doctor tomorrow about being her new pediatrician. How do you determine competency? The school? The years of practice? Reviews from customers? I looked at the reviews and many are all over the place. I swear reviews are almost worthless. Think I am kidding? Look up an expensive Rolex on Amazon and read the reviews. Get some popcorn ready. It is entertaining. It is encouraging that Claire is almost ready to come home. I am very ready. It is almost a dream with her being so far away. I cannot wait to hold her in my own home.
Ammon is testing for his blue belt on Saturday. He has been working on his forms and he is improving daily it seems. He is working one on one with his instructor to prepare him for the test. I'm impressed that he is so focused despite all of the hardships he is facing.
Speaking of dealing with hardships I had to pick up the death certificates today from the funeral home. They had errors on some other paperwork which frustrated me. Born in 1928? Died in January? Um... No. So I corrected this and then wanted to review the certificates. They were fine but I felt short changed. I get a piece of paper in place of my wife. The cause of death was there and I just relived it all over again. The Funeral home was playing some sappy love songs which just infuriated me. I would rather it be elevator music. So I picked up the stuff and had a chat with my invisible wife all the way home. Tears and frustration. Those are two words that capture my feelings today.
9:40pm -
We went by my wife's grave. Being that it is winter and is dark early the graveyard was empty of visitors. We used my son's flashlights to light the way. We went directly from Tae Kwon Do so he still had his uniform on plus his little blue jacket. It was a special moment. Just Ammon and me standing there by my wife's grave. The cold night air cut like a knife through our clothing. My son was wanting to stay because of his mom as well as wanting to leave because of the cold. We made a couple of attempts at walking back to the car only to turn around and walk back to the grave. It was a tough time for Ammon. He opened up and mourned his mom. Like I said, it was a special moment.
We started another book called "out of my mind" by Sharon M. Draper. Emma had read it before and said it was good. We read about 25 pages and it established a good stopping point.
I received a message on my wife's phone from the Redwing shoe store. They are not able to resole my shoes. I'm not shocked but I am disappointed because that would have been the last material gift from my wife. I know it is silly but I'm going through a lot of "lasts" and each time I find myself pausing in reflection. I recall when my grandfather died I had to mow his lawn. My grandfather (mother's father) was really like my dad and when I was steering his riding mower around the lawn I could see the previous tire tracks from when he mowed. It is silly stuff like that that makes me pause to reflect. It is the past that nobody wants to let go of.... at least when you love that person. My wife's true last gift she gave to both of us was.... Claire. You see my wife and I balanced each other out. She was the serious one and I was... not. I was the one cracking up when my son made farting sounds on my arm while my wife was straight faced. I don't know which was more funny. The same thing occurred when watching movies. I'd be cracking up and she would be stone faced. I would laugh so hard I would cry and my wife would just look at me and smile.
My wife enjoyed movies that would put me to sleep. British shows with bad endings and with a dark storyline seemed to fill her Netflix queue. She would get irritated with me when after a few moments of watching the show I would call out who the guilty party was. I don't think I'm Chief Inspector Hercule Poirot. I just think most shows are unfortunately predictable. I also poked fun at some of the actors. This brought out a smile with Jan and I always enjoyed that. While I wouldn't have watched these shows on my own I began to enjoy some of them as we watched them together. An example of this is Foyle's War.
Well, reflecting on my wife's smile is where I will close this entry. Until tomorrow. Also - here is the latest with Claire - no feeding tube! :-)
Madilyn slept in my bed last night. I didn't have to relocate her to her side of the bed or anything. It was very odd. Anyway, amidst all of this our family computer is infected with a virus. I'm sure it was something simple my daughter accidentally did as the machine is used 99% of the time by the kids but nonetheless I am in the process of rebuilding it. It is giving me an opportunity to search for images/movies that may have my wife in them. Chances are she is in videos that my kids recorded while using her phone or something. Nothing like a homemade video 4 feet off the ground. We have pictures of toys (mainly dolls), funny faces, and theatrical performances in our home. We have homemade videos using some software on my wife's iPad singing "It's raining tacos" and "Space Unicorns". For those that have lived through this you understand what I mean. Those songs rival the "Let it Go" song from Disney's Frozen. A catchy tune that you find singing at work. Yes, I've had my moments at the copier humming Space Unicorns. Anyway.... lots of videos and fun memories. My wife may be in the background of these videos.
Today my kids will go back to a school my wife founded. Management has shifted in this school and it will continue forward. We had many homeschooling families register and while it isn't a school they go to daily it does provide homeschooling kids opportunities to meet other children that are taught at home. They build strong relationships and get opportunities to participate in group activities around a myriad of topics (science, math, history, languages, etc..). Since Jan founded this school the new management team will pay tribute to her for a short moment this morning. I hope my kids can handle this. For most it is an opportunity to reflect, cry, and move on. For my kids it is reliving a nightmare that won't end. I told my children that if it is too much to seek out one the new torchbearer or leader/president of the school. I shared my concerns with both this new leader as well my kids. I hope all goes well.
My son asked if we could go visit mom's grave. I said we could. That was yesterday and with all the activities in the eventing we didn't get to go. Today I will take him if he is up to it.
Claire's health is getting better and better. Yesterday she took about 3.3 oz in one feeding. I'm so happy for her continued improvement.
6:01 pm-
Claire had her feeding tube removed. I am interviewing a doctor tomorrow about being her new pediatrician. How do you determine competency? The school? The years of practice? Reviews from customers? I looked at the reviews and many are all over the place. I swear reviews are almost worthless. Think I am kidding? Look up an expensive Rolex on Amazon and read the reviews. Get some popcorn ready. It is entertaining. It is encouraging that Claire is almost ready to come home. I am very ready. It is almost a dream with her being so far away. I cannot wait to hold her in my own home.
Ammon is testing for his blue belt on Saturday. He has been working on his forms and he is improving daily it seems. He is working one on one with his instructor to prepare him for the test. I'm impressed that he is so focused despite all of the hardships he is facing.
Speaking of dealing with hardships I had to pick up the death certificates today from the funeral home. They had errors on some other paperwork which frustrated me. Born in 1928? Died in January? Um... No. So I corrected this and then wanted to review the certificates. They were fine but I felt short changed. I get a piece of paper in place of my wife. The cause of death was there and I just relived it all over again. The Funeral home was playing some sappy love songs which just infuriated me. I would rather it be elevator music. So I picked up the stuff and had a chat with my invisible wife all the way home. Tears and frustration. Those are two words that capture my feelings today.
9:40pm -
We went by my wife's grave. Being that it is winter and is dark early the graveyard was empty of visitors. We used my son's flashlights to light the way. We went directly from Tae Kwon Do so he still had his uniform on plus his little blue jacket. It was a special moment. Just Ammon and me standing there by my wife's grave. The cold night air cut like a knife through our clothing. My son was wanting to stay because of his mom as well as wanting to leave because of the cold. We made a couple of attempts at walking back to the car only to turn around and walk back to the grave. It was a tough time for Ammon. He opened up and mourned his mom. Like I said, it was a special moment.
We started another book called "out of my mind" by Sharon M. Draper. Emma had read it before and said it was good. We read about 25 pages and it established a good stopping point.
I received a message on my wife's phone from the Redwing shoe store. They are not able to resole my shoes. I'm not shocked but I am disappointed because that would have been the last material gift from my wife. I know it is silly but I'm going through a lot of "lasts" and each time I find myself pausing in reflection. I recall when my grandfather died I had to mow his lawn. My grandfather (mother's father) was really like my dad and when I was steering his riding mower around the lawn I could see the previous tire tracks from when he mowed. It is silly stuff like that that makes me pause to reflect. It is the past that nobody wants to let go of.... at least when you love that person. My wife's true last gift she gave to both of us was.... Claire. You see my wife and I balanced each other out. She was the serious one and I was... not. I was the one cracking up when my son made farting sounds on my arm while my wife was straight faced. I don't know which was more funny. The same thing occurred when watching movies. I'd be cracking up and she would be stone faced. I would laugh so hard I would cry and my wife would just look at me and smile.
My wife enjoyed movies that would put me to sleep. British shows with bad endings and with a dark storyline seemed to fill her Netflix queue. She would get irritated with me when after a few moments of watching the show I would call out who the guilty party was. I don't think I'm Chief Inspector Hercule Poirot. I just think most shows are unfortunately predictable. I also poked fun at some of the actors. This brought out a smile with Jan and I always enjoyed that. While I wouldn't have watched these shows on my own I began to enjoy some of them as we watched them together. An example of this is Foyle's War.
Well, reflecting on my wife's smile is where I will close this entry. Until tomorrow. Also - here is the latest with Claire - no feeding tube! :-)
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
7 Jan 2015 (18 days after The Day)
7:30 am -
Second verse.. same as the first. I feel the days all bleed together. I've read a lot of near death experiences (NDE) where people describe a place of peace directly after their event (horrible accident, botched surgery, drowning, etc...) when they can see their body and then they are surrounded by darkness and it is peaceful. I've reflected on these NDE stories and I suppose I hope that what is written is true. Prior to my wife's departure she was in some turmoil and felt ostracized by her family because of events that occurred in her life. Events very few in her family supported her through. The one comfort I have is you cannot hide things from God. I reflect on the scripture of Isaiah 2: 19, 21 where people will attempt to hide themselves when the Lord comes again. I think that regardless if the Lord makes his 2nd coming or the good Lord calls you home your probation is over. The time of judgement will commence. People who seek to look good in the eyes of the crowd to justify their actions are only fooling themselves. There was a sermon given by Neil A. Maxwell in which he says
For those that wish to read the entire sermon, I encourage you to. It is one that I hold close to my heart. In all this reflection I think on Jan's turmoil and how she felt. The thought that she is at peace is comforting. I also reflected on the fact that she honestly wished for healing for all. Especially those at fault. She had forgiven and sought healing for all. She grew a lot through this event and I suppose I should learn from her to apply the same principles in my own life.
8:25 am -
After reading this entry it is a little out of character for me. I don't know if it describes how I feel other than I saw Jan struggle with being isolated. She felt she was alone standing for truth. I take comfort that she is no longer alone and hope that I can apply the same principles of forgiveness in my own life. Like most hard things in life it is easier said than done. Those who walk this path have my respect. To quote my mom "Talk is cheap". That quote is something that I believe Jan held close. So, the talk from Neil A. Maxwell is as much for me as anyone else. To get off the fence and be a better person. I value that council. It is tough to swallow but nobody said life is easy.
7:26 pm -
I have my kids at church activities tonight. It is not odd being here as I took over as Mr. Mom while my wife was pregnant. I enjoy taking them and enjoying time either sitting in the car with a book or like today I'm in the foyer with my laptop. Before my wife passed I would take my son with me and he and I would make believe we were in a spaceship flying around the solar system. We had all types of adventures and built many fond memories. Tonight my son is with grandma. I don't know how it will be for my girls as this is the first time back for activities since my wife's passing. I told them where I was so if they felt weird at all they could come to me and we could leave.
Second verse.. same as the first. I feel the days all bleed together. I've read a lot of near death experiences (NDE) where people describe a place of peace directly after their event (horrible accident, botched surgery, drowning, etc...) when they can see their body and then they are surrounded by darkness and it is peaceful. I've reflected on these NDE stories and I suppose I hope that what is written is true. Prior to my wife's departure she was in some turmoil and felt ostracized by her family because of events that occurred in her life. Events very few in her family supported her through. The one comfort I have is you cannot hide things from God. I reflect on the scripture of Isaiah 2: 19, 21 where people will attempt to hide themselves when the Lord comes again. I think that regardless if the Lord makes his 2nd coming or the good Lord calls you home your probation is over. The time of judgement will commence. People who seek to look good in the eyes of the crowd to justify their actions are only fooling themselves. There was a sermon given by Neil A. Maxwell in which he says
If you feel that one day every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is the Lord, why not do so now? For in the coming of that collective confession it will mean much less to kneel down when it is no longer possible to stand up!he also stated that
However, Joshua didn’t say choose you next year whom you will serve; he spoke of “this day,” while there is still daylight and before the darkness becomes more and more normal.
For those that wish to read the entire sermon, I encourage you to. It is one that I hold close to my heart. In all this reflection I think on Jan's turmoil and how she felt. The thought that she is at peace is comforting. I also reflected on the fact that she honestly wished for healing for all. Especially those at fault. She had forgiven and sought healing for all. She grew a lot through this event and I suppose I should learn from her to apply the same principles in my own life.
8:25 am -
After reading this entry it is a little out of character for me. I don't know if it describes how I feel other than I saw Jan struggle with being isolated. She felt she was alone standing for truth. I take comfort that she is no longer alone and hope that I can apply the same principles of forgiveness in my own life. Like most hard things in life it is easier said than done. Those who walk this path have my respect. To quote my mom "Talk is cheap". That quote is something that I believe Jan held close. So, the talk from Neil A. Maxwell is as much for me as anyone else. To get off the fence and be a better person. I value that council. It is tough to swallow but nobody said life is easy.
7:26 pm -
I have my kids at church activities tonight. It is not odd being here as I took over as Mr. Mom while my wife was pregnant. I enjoy taking them and enjoying time either sitting in the car with a book or like today I'm in the foyer with my laptop. Before my wife passed I would take my son with me and he and I would make believe we were in a spaceship flying around the solar system. We had all types of adventures and built many fond memories. Tonight my son is with grandma. I don't know how it will be for my girls as this is the first time back for activities since my wife's passing. I told them where I was so if they felt weird at all they could come to me and we could leave.
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