31 July 2015 (223 days after The Day)

Today I reflected on Jan's journals.  She has many that sit beside her side of the bed.  As I thumbed through them I just realized how much Jan worked on self improvement.  I realized how positive of an example she left for her kids and me.  I just am thankful for the time I had with her.  In a way I feel like she was an advanced class I took only she had all the answers... Now that she is gone I have to do it alone... or at least if feels alone.  I realize how much she had worked through and how many tough questions she had already answered.  She really was being true to herself by living and breathing truth.  I am proud of her.

30 July 2015 (222 days after The Day)

So today I talked with my kids about the role of Jan.  She was mom.  Mom has two roles... 1.)  The person and 2.) the responsibility.  My kids combined these mentally to say "mom".  I got into a conversation with my kids about how when mom left that only represented the person.  The responsibility still fell to me and grandma.  I fully believe that one day I will remarry and while that person will be taking on the responsibility of mom... they won't replace Jan the person.  I don't think I will ever stop missing and loving my sweet Jan.  It is hard for some to understand this and all I can say is imagine you lost a leg or arm... would you ever stop missing it?  I don't think you would.

29 July 2015 (221 days after The Day)

Today I realized with all the day-to-day I have neglected 1 on 1 time with my kids.  My life has been so hectic since Jan died that all the one on one time I had has been replaced with errands.  I will be working on my schedule to ensure I have time with each of them.  After all - they too are going through a change and being close to me is important for both of us.  I love them each so much and am grateful to have them in my life.  I am sad that Jan gave her life for Claire but that should give weight to the decision to ensure she is a priority in my life.

28 July 2015 (220 days after The Day)

So one of my fears was realized today.  I found out that Ammon is forgetting about Jan.  I just feel horrible.

My day was filled with busy work.  Work that helped me stay mentally occupied.  I have so much desire to get my life in order.  To clean up and clean out my home.  To help make a positive reality for my kids.  To help set a good foundation for our future - whatever that future holds.


When I put Claire to sleep tonight she was such a cuddly kid.  She just wanted to snuggle with me for a while before closing her eyes.  I just received so much healing from that.

27 July 2015 (219 days after The Day)

I spent time today thinking about what it means to be ok with the new normal.  Time marches on.  So... if time marches on... when is grieving over?  I don't think it will ever be over.  I will always miss Jan.  I will always feel the void of her departure.  I think the beyond of this life is more than what we know ... I think all relationships matter for the eternities.  So if relationships matter - perhaps moving forward is a way to pay tribute to our loved ones.  I don't think our loved ones want us stuck in the year they left.

26 July 2015 (218 days after The Day)

So I spent time thinking on how I interpret life... through the eyes of grief.. or not.  Grief can be so difficult.  Is it bad to stare at the black abyss of grief and want to process it all - as fast as possible?  I think not.  Jan loves me.  I love Jan.  There is more to life than being paralyzed by pain.  I honestly believe Jan wants me to really smile and be happy again. 

25 July 2015 (217 days after The Day)

I spent some time with a friend today and found my smile.  I never realized how healing smiling would be.  Taking time for oneself I have found to be invaluable.  I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for so long that I never realized I had very little to give back.  A recharge of sorts has occurred.  I feel a great desire to keep the batteries recharged so to speak.  New energy... new life has given me a paradigm shift of sorts.  Smiling can be so healing.