Today was the beginning of waking up. With my mom not here it is very much like it was when Jan was here. The activities, the chores, the expectations of me, etc... It really was like Jan was just out for the day and we were busy doing things. This change has helped me to get real and begin to swallow this bitter pill. Claire's eating volume has doubled and she eats more often. I'm very grateful that she just eats and sleeps at this point in her life to give me a moment to find what this new new normal will be. With doctor visits and activities at work this next week will be interesting.
I have received emails and letters with those that relate to the situation I am in. I am comforted to know that others that are going through life events like this take a bit of comfort knowing they are not alone or crazy with how they feel. I know my emotions have been all over the map. I have written regarding some of my feelings but not all of them. The feeling that your world has been turned upside down is just completely overwhelming. Everyone supports you but eventually they must return to their lives and THAT is when it is a challenge. So, today, I just missed Jan's company. I missed just being around her.
The ice was thick enough that cars could get out of their driveway but not back in. Tires spinning and zero traction. With that as a setting we stayed inside which limited our activities. Being alone sucks.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
27 Feb 2015 (69 days after The Day)
Where to start. Well, my mom needed to leave the house by 5:00 to make a doctors appointment in Houston. She overslept and I woke her up around 6:15. She got it together and left by 6:45. A family friend came over to watch Claire and that was a huge help. With the kids in school and Claire being watched I was able to go to work. It started to snow and the snow started to stick. About 10:30 people at work were worried that they would be stuck at work so they left to go fight the traffic home. I stayed through lunch and worked. I came home and paid some medical bills and got a txt from my mom that she made it to her appointment. After lunch I picked up my kids from school and worked from home the rest of the day. I got a call after dinner from my sister who informed me that the doctor wanted my mom to stay for a while based on her visit and that leaves me pondering. I just really am striving to keep things as "normal" as it was before Jan's passing. I realize that with my mother gone this old "normal" will need to change. I have so depended on my mom to help me that I have taken for granted the help that was given. I wonder how many hits over the head it will take to help to humble me to realize the sacrifice people make for me to enjoy "normalcy".
I think I have it figured out with my three older kiddos. Claire is giving me a run for the money. She just requires a lot of attention and I completely forgot about this. Isn't that silly? Kiddo number 4 and I feel I am learning things for the first time. I'm shaking my head as I type this. Anyways - I have been upset with Jan today. It sounds silly but I'm upset that she decided to check out and leave me with "four hungry children and a crop in the field" Sorry... just popped into my head. That Kenny Rogers song "Lucille" is not a good song to reflect on Jan as the character in the song, "Lucille", decides to abandon her kids and husband to meet guys at a bar. I don't have the hatred of the father in the song as I don't look at Jan as abandoning her role as Mother but I do feel like things are a real challenge right now. I don't see the entire picture so the path of least resistance for my thought process is to be angry at my wife for starting the journey with Claire and then leaving it.
Another problem I have is with me. I find myself focusing on the negative. I have been focusing on things that are entirely outside of my control. My wife died. I have no control over that. My mom is in the hospital. I have no control over that. My father died. I have no control over that. The weather cut a potentially productive day dreadfully short and most of the week has been severely impacted by the weather. I have no control over that. Yet... I give large amounts of my energy (which is scarce) to these events in my life. Energy that is just wasted. I need to focus on what I can do. Focus on what can be done to be better organized. Do you recall the first time you went to school? It was a public school for me and I recall being glued to my mom's leg. I did NOT want to stay there. I recall feeling very alone. At the same time, I recall my last days in elementary school were fun. I had a few close friends and enjoyed their company. It took a few years for me to build up the confidence of what the school was all about. Then it started all over again with middle-school. Ug. Very few good memories there. I suppose these feelings of not knowing what to do in elementary, middle school, high school, and college are overcome when I surrender to the new environment and begin to learn how it works. I just feel myself digging in my heels unwilling to surrender.
Have you ever been pinned when wrestling? There was a guy I knew that was about my height/weight and we wrestled. It was the first time ever that I wrestled someone my size. He put me in a full nelson and it was so frustrating. I had pinned many people like this but never had it done to myself. I was helpless to the pin. I could fight it but doing so made the pain so much more. That is how I feel. Pinned yet unwilling to tap out. I just want to attempt every way I can to confirm that I really do have to tap out. That is why I ask about how many hits over the head will it take to humble me. I just need to stop fighting and surrender to the fact that this new chapter will require me to ask for help. To do the one thing I don't like to do. Wonderful.
Well that is food for thought as I go to sleep. Here is hoping that Claire sleeps through the night.
I think I have it figured out with my three older kiddos. Claire is giving me a run for the money. She just requires a lot of attention and I completely forgot about this. Isn't that silly? Kiddo number 4 and I feel I am learning things for the first time. I'm shaking my head as I type this. Anyways - I have been upset with Jan today. It sounds silly but I'm upset that she decided to check out and leave me with "four hungry children and a crop in the field" Sorry... just popped into my head. That Kenny Rogers song "Lucille" is not a good song to reflect on Jan as the character in the song, "Lucille", decides to abandon her kids and husband to meet guys at a bar. I don't have the hatred of the father in the song as I don't look at Jan as abandoning her role as Mother but I do feel like things are a real challenge right now. I don't see the entire picture so the path of least resistance for my thought process is to be angry at my wife for starting the journey with Claire and then leaving it.
Another problem I have is with me. I find myself focusing on the negative. I have been focusing on things that are entirely outside of my control. My wife died. I have no control over that. My mom is in the hospital. I have no control over that. My father died. I have no control over that. The weather cut a potentially productive day dreadfully short and most of the week has been severely impacted by the weather. I have no control over that. Yet... I give large amounts of my energy (which is scarce) to these events in my life. Energy that is just wasted. I need to focus on what I can do. Focus on what can be done to be better organized. Do you recall the first time you went to school? It was a public school for me and I recall being glued to my mom's leg. I did NOT want to stay there. I recall feeling very alone. At the same time, I recall my last days in elementary school were fun. I had a few close friends and enjoyed their company. It took a few years for me to build up the confidence of what the school was all about. Then it started all over again with middle-school. Ug. Very few good memories there. I suppose these feelings of not knowing what to do in elementary, middle school, high school, and college are overcome when I surrender to the new environment and begin to learn how it works. I just feel myself digging in my heels unwilling to surrender.
Have you ever been pinned when wrestling? There was a guy I knew that was about my height/weight and we wrestled. It was the first time ever that I wrestled someone my size. He put me in a full nelson and it was so frustrating. I had pinned many people like this but never had it done to myself. I was helpless to the pin. I could fight it but doing so made the pain so much more. That is how I feel. Pinned yet unwilling to tap out. I just want to attempt every way I can to confirm that I really do have to tap out. That is why I ask about how many hits over the head will it take to humble me. I just need to stop fighting and surrender to the fact that this new chapter will require me to ask for help. To do the one thing I don't like to do. Wonderful.
Well that is food for thought as I go to sleep. Here is hoping that Claire sleeps through the night.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
26 Feb 2015 (68 days after The Day)
Today was one of those days that flew by. It is 10:15 pm and I am just now getting a moment to breathe. I realize this new chapter is starting out very lonely. I also realize that there is more depth to the love we all have for each other in my family. My daughter and I were talking and I asked her if she would love mom more or the same as the last time she saw her when we see her again one day? She said more. I agreed that I would too. I believe it is because of the pain and sorrow we have experienced that this has expanded our ability to feel. To appreciate more. I have had the opportunity to travel to other countries and it was a similar feeling. I just realize how blessed we are when we see others with so little. This understanding is great but what a cost! I wish it didn't have to be this way. I would love to plug up a cord to my head and download all the lessons life has to offer without experiencing them and at the same time first hand experience is sobering. I've had a difficult time focusing on the positive lately. I recognized today that the sting of Jan's departure has lessened and I hope this trend continues. So perhaps that is something to be thankful for. All I know is my exhaustion is steadfast.
#depthoflove #costofappreciation
#depthoflove #costofappreciation
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
25 Feb 2015 (67 days after The Day)
It seems my days are packed with one event after another. They don't really ever stop. Today it is 9:00 pm and I just got Emma, Madilyn and Ammon down. Grandma is rocking Claire and I'm typing away. I had my first counseling session today. It was interesting. I'm hoping this helps my healing process. I also hope it helps my children. Days like this leave me completely depleted of energy. This is a short post. I need rest.
#counselingstart
#counselingstart
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
24 Feb 2015 (66 days after The Day)
Today almost seemed like a normal day with one exception. Every day I get ready for the day and I look in the bathroom closet and see a box containing letters Jan and I mailed to each other before we were married. This box is clear plastic and I can easily see Jan's handwriting on the letters. The box is buried underneath other boxes but this morning I dug it out and pulled out a couple of letters. Some were of high school time period and others were college. In reading them I found our love and care for each other never wavered. It just became deeper. It was nice to read them even though the letters were about 20 years old. I don't have a current letter other than a holiday card but her communication was the same. She was filled with encouragement, love, and support. I suppose you could say her love was steadfast.
My family and I finished the book "Out of my mind" and now Madilyn will pick the next. I started listening to a couple of different books and have found enjoyment in that. My phone decided to start to die so I will take a moment in the coming days to transfer all the audio clips off my phone and store them permanently. I think I'll get a normal flip phone or something. I find that my phone is just attached to me in such a way that I can't function without it. Something is off with that so I am just getting a small phone and will break away from the hold that small electronic device has on me.
101.) I am thankful for these sweet letters I found. They really do bring joy to my heart.
102.) I am thankful for time. It really is helping the sting to not be so intense.
103.) I am thankful for the safety of all that traveled at work today. Many witnessed accidents because of the ice.
104.) I am thankful that I did not fall down with the ice today. Some walkways were so filled with ice that I really did skate down the path.
105.) I am thankful for my kids desire for learning. I hope it is for a lifetime.
#letters #books #thanks
My family and I finished the book "Out of my mind" and now Madilyn will pick the next. I started listening to a couple of different books and have found enjoyment in that. My phone decided to start to die so I will take a moment in the coming days to transfer all the audio clips off my phone and store them permanently. I think I'll get a normal flip phone or something. I find that my phone is just attached to me in such a way that I can't function without it. Something is off with that so I am just getting a small phone and will break away from the hold that small electronic device has on me.
101.) I am thankful for these sweet letters I found. They really do bring joy to my heart.
102.) I am thankful for time. It really is helping the sting to not be so intense.
103.) I am thankful for the safety of all that traveled at work today. Many witnessed accidents because of the ice.
104.) I am thankful that I did not fall down with the ice today. Some walkways were so filled with ice that I really did skate down the path.
105.) I am thankful for my kids desire for learning. I hope it is for a lifetime.
#letters #books #thanks
Monday, February 23, 2015
23 Feb 2015 (65 days after The Day)
So another wave of sadness has hit me. It isn't as intense but it just is weird. I just am having a difficult time believing this is all happening. I see it happening but it is just hard to believe.
The sleet that fell left about an inch of fun waiting to happen for my kids after school today. After dinner I promised them I would go outside with them to play and we did. We took a couple of cardboard boxes and took turns sliding down our lawn to the street. Our lawn was effectively an ice rink so we all had a blast. Then the kids took turns pelting me with ice. It was fun even though it hurt. Ice began to attach to my hair on my head so I had to go inside for a better jacket with a hood. Then my glasses fogged up which left me defenseless to the flying ice. We all had fun. I was without gloves so I only got one throw in before I couldn't feel my hands. Days like this bring good memories. Jan would always laugh at me and the kids romping around in the snow. Today was no different. I'm sure Jan got a good laugh.
So the author of the painting, Michael Peterson, posted it on Facebook so I assume it is ok to post here. It was painted after the image to the right.
I love Jan's pic in the background. It really just captures her smile. I think he got her smile from the photo below
So... I am going to sleep tonight with her on my mind. I miss Jan. She really is my best friend.
#grief #snowmemories
The sleet that fell left about an inch of fun waiting to happen for my kids after school today. After dinner I promised them I would go outside with them to play and we did. We took a couple of cardboard boxes and took turns sliding down our lawn to the street. Our lawn was effectively an ice rink so we all had a blast. Then the kids took turns pelting me with ice. It was fun even though it hurt. Ice began to attach to my hair on my head so I had to go inside for a better jacket with a hood. Then my glasses fogged up which left me defenseless to the flying ice. We all had fun. I was without gloves so I only got one throw in before I couldn't feel my hands. Days like this bring good memories. Jan would always laugh at me and the kids romping around in the snow. Today was no different. I'm sure Jan got a good laugh.
So the author of the painting, Michael Peterson, posted it on Facebook so I assume it is ok to post here. It was painted after the image to the right.
I love Jan's pic in the background. It really just captures her smile. I think he got her smile from the photo below
So... I am going to sleep tonight with her on my mind. I miss Jan. She really is my best friend.
#grief #snowmemories
Sunday, February 22, 2015
22 Feb 2015 (64 days after The Day)
So DFW is under a winter storm advisory. We normally get snow every winter but this winter has been very mild. So, the first snow in February. It is weird but oh well. I don't know if this will affect my ability to get me and Emma to our counseling session. We shall see.
Today I received an oil painting a friend of mine did of one of the first photos of me holding Claire. In the black background is a hidden image of Jan. The artist caught Jan's spirit fully with her smile and it was all I could do to remain composed when I received it. I was deeply touched. It also had me feeling all over again. I'm doing what I can to "man up" to face these feelings. Running away is so easy but so childish. I don't want to be that person.
I'm finishing the second dvd of the Return of the King of the Lord of the Rings tonight. I just relate to the Hero's Journey so much. I think we all do in some parts of our life. To learn how to rise to the level of our potential and go through all the struggles we have to endure to earn the right to become what we become. I have often thought of the phrase "to become" as we are all becoming something. I find it a bit ironic that we toss around the word "worthy" in church settings and defined is "having sufficient merit or value" but looking up the history of the root word "worth" in "worthy" is founded in the phase "to become". As I think on what God has in store for all of us I believe he is very interested in what we are all becoming or in other words... our worthiness. After all, we are all becoming something, right?
So, on with my list
91.) I am thankful for mirrors that provide an opportunity to have a candid conversation with yourself.
92.) I am thankful for talents of others. Tonight's event with the oil painting showed me a little of what God has blessed people with. I wonder if I squander my talents or share them with others as some have done with me.
93.) I am thankful for thick carpet and grass. I find it relaxing to walk barefoot (when I am not breaking my toes) and feel the carpet/grass between my toes and under my feet.
94.) I am thankful for snow. For whatever reason snow makes winter fun. That isn't the case for rain in the summer. It is a reprieve from the heat though so I should probably think on that.
95.) I am thankful for my kids joy as they play games together. It makes me smile that this is still occurring despite all that has happened.
96.) I am thankful for my wife's smile. It is just healing.
97.) I am thankful for the comforts of electricity, natural gas, and the internet. I swear I just ignore these daily yet I am dependent upon all of them.
98.) I am thankful that my kids enjoy spending time with me. I enjoy chasing them and wrestling with them. We have lots of good memories.
99.) I am thankful for all the family games / puzzles we have. Every game has lots of good memories. And on that subject...
100.) I am thankful that there were at least a couple of games that I could win consistently on against Jan. She really stomped me on every game we played except Sorry and Uno. Sounds funny but she got all the kids to gang up against me on these games. That still makes me smile.
Today I received an oil painting a friend of mine did of one of the first photos of me holding Claire. In the black background is a hidden image of Jan. The artist caught Jan's spirit fully with her smile and it was all I could do to remain composed when I received it. I was deeply touched. It also had me feeling all over again. I'm doing what I can to "man up" to face these feelings. Running away is so easy but so childish. I don't want to be that person.
I'm finishing the second dvd of the Return of the King of the Lord of the Rings tonight. I just relate to the Hero's Journey so much. I think we all do in some parts of our life. To learn how to rise to the level of our potential and go through all the struggles we have to endure to earn the right to become what we become. I have often thought of the phrase "to become" as we are all becoming something. I find it a bit ironic that we toss around the word "worthy" in church settings and defined is "having sufficient merit or value" but looking up the history of the root word "worth" in "worthy" is founded in the phase "to become". As I think on what God has in store for all of us I believe he is very interested in what we are all becoming or in other words... our worthiness. After all, we are all becoming something, right?
So, on with my list
91.) I am thankful for mirrors that provide an opportunity to have a candid conversation with yourself.
92.) I am thankful for talents of others. Tonight's event with the oil painting showed me a little of what God has blessed people with. I wonder if I squander my talents or share them with others as some have done with me.
93.) I am thankful for thick carpet and grass. I find it relaxing to walk barefoot (when I am not breaking my toes) and feel the carpet/grass between my toes and under my feet.
94.) I am thankful for snow. For whatever reason snow makes winter fun. That isn't the case for rain in the summer. It is a reprieve from the heat though so I should probably think on that.
95.) I am thankful for my kids joy as they play games together. It makes me smile that this is still occurring despite all that has happened.
96.) I am thankful for my wife's smile. It is just healing.
97.) I am thankful for the comforts of electricity, natural gas, and the internet. I swear I just ignore these daily yet I am dependent upon all of them.
98.) I am thankful that my kids enjoy spending time with me. I enjoy chasing them and wrestling with them. We have lots of good memories.
99.) I am thankful for all the family games / puzzles we have. Every game has lots of good memories. And on that subject...
100.) I am thankful that there were at least a couple of games that I could win consistently on against Jan. She really stomped me on every game we played except Sorry and Uno. Sounds funny but she got all the kids to gang up against me on these games. That still makes me smile.
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