20 Jan 2015 (31 days after The Day)

7:43 am

So today marks Claire's one month birthday.  I swear all of this still seems like a dream.  I have a bunch of stuff that is Jan's and I feel like I am invading her privacy by going through it but I have to.  I need to start cleaning up.  I found a book in her bedside table called "A Wife's Little Red Book" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. that gave tips on being a better wife, friend, companion, etc...  It has silly suggestions and advice like:

• Get his car washed
• When you are wondering what he does with all those tools, remember he may be wondering what you do with all that makeup.
•  Find a compromise when you disagree on parenting techniques
• Ask his advice when you have a problem
• etc...

It just made me think of the things she kept close to help her.  On my bedside table drawer I have a bunch of junk.... from old laptop parts to bills.  Nothing I would consider worth anything on the eternal scale other than my scriptures that are ironically on the floor because there is too much junk on my table.

This morning Claire started talking to me in her sweet baby talk mixed in with a few smiles as she looked me in the eyes.  I know it sounds silly but that brought a bit of comfort.  I've been thinking on the word comfort and realize that much of it will be received by others desire for your welfare.  I think of the things that bring real comfort.  I suppose it is friendship and family.  I may get joy by going to the batting cages but that doesn't have sustained comfort.  Sustained comfort seems to be received when one connects with another.  I've read how animals can comfort people and how people can comfort people.  Who knows... perhaps this is just the beginning of a larger discovery time for me to understand what that word really means.  I know there is the phrase "comfort food" which I can agree does bring a bit of comfort but it is not sustained thus driving you to ingest more.  So what is it that never runs out of supply and keeps you filled?  So far there is only one word.  Love.  The one word that can cause both joy and sorrow.  The one healing tonic.  So, that is something I am seeking more of.  More love to not only help me but so I can learn to help others too.  Not help them out of obligation or out of personal need but just because it is the right thing to do.

9:22 pm -

So, I am in the rocking chair with this wrap on.  Claire has been sleeping in this thing for a few hours now.  She has drooled all over my shirt and I'm sure if Jan can see her is getting a good laugh.  So, as a family we read more of the book "Out of my mind" and it was good to read more as a family.  My kids finally got off to bed and I flipped on the tube to watch the end of the State of the Union address where most presidents promise things and it sounds more like another campaign speech.  I tried to remove Claire from the wrap about an hour ago and she started crying.  I didn't want to repeat her crying spell so I just covered her back up.  My mom asked if she was going to sleep in this thing and I just laughed.  I have to remove her to feed her so she will have to adjust to being out of this thing eventually.

I had the opportunity to speak with a counselor this evening and found that my feelings are normal and the actions I'm taking with the blog is good.  It was good to talk to someone.  Just having validation on my feelings was good.  This was yet another thing that I would have discussed with my wife but wasn't able to.

19 Jan 2015 (30 days after The Day)

So after a couple of dirty diapers there is a happy little girl in my home.  I decided to get my hair cut during lunch.  I'm trying to get someone I normally don't because I can't to small talk about Christmas.  Sleeping was a joke last night.  I just had a large wave of sadness hit.  It sucked.

9:30 pm

So we were invited to a family night with another friend's family.  We all went to dinner and then bowling.  I haven't gone bowling in years and needless to say it was great fun with the family.  It was a lot of laughs that we all needed.  Ammon did his stereotypical hand/arm gestures to get the ball to move or change direction down the lane.  We all had a good laugh.  With the bumpers in place he did quite well!

I'm dreading going to sleep.  Jan was dealing with a lot prior to her passing and she used TV to make her numb or not think.  I don't want to do that and since her passing I have watched very little TV.  I just see it as postponing what I need to deal with.  I suppose it is like going to the dentist.  Postponing doesn't help but does give you the false impression that your issue can wait.  So I am not flipping out at work or going into some tirade but I still know when I am not firing on all cylinders.  I feel like some days I am working like there is no issue and then a comment or thought changes that to where I feel like a house of cards just trying to avoid a strong breeze.   For example, today I was perfectly fine until I mentioned one of the things I cannot yet deal with... Jan's shoes.  They are exactly where she last took them off.  I feel like I am making headway on some parts and not much on others.  Last night as I was mulling over my loneliness trying to go to sleep I glanced over on Jan's side and noticed her stuffed rabbit that has a botched sewing job from when she was a kid and her dog ripped it up.  It was one of her most memorable child toys given to her by her sister and she would keep it near her bed even before her passing.  So there it was, lying on her pillow.  I reached for it and once my hand took hold of it I just wept.  Is that not the strangest thing?  A stuffed animal for goodness sake.  But, there I was in the dark holding this stuffed animal just feeling all the emotions of loneliness and abandonment that I felt at her departure.  I suppose it is good to identify all the triggers that make it a struggle for me but yet here I am dreading going to sleep.  I am fine when I am awake or asleep but the quiet transition to sleep is almost unbearable.  Jan used to give me such a hard time about how quickly I could go to sleep.  I believe it was because I was relaxed in her presence.  Her mind was going a million miles an hour trying to plan everything.  Now that my relaxation is no more I find myself with the same struggle.  I need to sleep though at least try to.  Claire's feeding is in a little over an hour and last night I didn't get to sleep until after 2.  I have much more appreciation for Jan now than I had when she was here with our kids when they were nursing.  I do believe I will be a much better person/husband/father/brother/son/friend when this trial is over than before it began.  It is just a very difficult journey.

18 Jan 2015 (29 days after The Day)

3:01 pm -

So I'm sleep, but it is not effective.  I don't know how to explain it more than that.  I do actually sleep but I awake as if I have not slept much at all.  The wrap seems to be from God as it helps Claire settle down immediately.  Right now I am typing this sitting on the couch and she is snuggled up against me in the wrap.  It is a win/win.

I'm been thinking over all the well wishers and concerned people who have spoken with me or my family over the last few weeks.  I know everyone is without words or what they do say comes out wrong.  For example, there was one person who expressed sympathies and then said "but you are ok now, right?"  I know they didn't realize how that came across but it summarizes how I feel personally.  Like, alright, my wife died, I have kids to raise, now onto the next chapter.  I should be "ok" now.  I don't know what the normal grieving process looks like for anyone much less for losing a spouse.  I have stuff to do at work and with the kids.  It is difficult being "normal" in public.  Everyone seems to catch themselves mid-sentence when they say "Hi Rob, How are you....doing?"  Because to answer that really is not something I would really do in public and to not ask is a bit rude.  So, on to how I heal quickly.  This is a process I realize I must go through and like any process I am a bit reluctant to dive right in on some parts.

I've been pondering the same instruction I gave the Sunday school kids I would teach and say "You never know what life is going to throw your direction so start by packing your spiritual toolbox so when life throws a curve ball at you and you feel you are without resources you can open up this toolbox and have some" Sometimes I hear the lesson of

"if you do what is right nothing bad will ever happen to you".  

I have heard this over and over.  Believing this lesson is an unfortunate disservice to anyone who accepts this as truth.  It is true, for example, if you don't drink it is not likely that you will suffer the pains of someone who is an alcoholic or if you don't do drugs you won't face the repercussions of dealing with the consequences of that lifestyle; however, it is not true that if you don't drink or do drugs that your wife won't die in childbirth or that you won't be struck by a drunk driver and have a family member killed.  I believe the thought of "if you do what is right nothing bad will ever happen to you" can be changed to say "if you do what is right your personal belief in God or in righteousness will increase thus giving you faith that you can put in your spiritual toolbox for later use".  The truth is life is as it has always been called "the school of hard knocks" and like any school you can learn from it or become bitter blaming others that you had a bad hand dealt.  I learned early on that there is a lot of things I don't have control over and there is no use spending energy on that since I can't do anything about it; however, there is a small amount I do have control over - mainly my own actions and thoughts.  If I alter this I can begin to change how I see the world and thus improve my relationship with others as well as with myself.

8:54 pm -

My kids and I watched a portion of "Rio" the cartoon movie.  I enjoyed cuddling with them on the couch.  Claire needs her meds and I will try to grab some sleep before the 11:00 pm feeding.

17 Jan 2015 (28 days after The Day)

3:45 am -

I believe we have identified one source of the gas pains.  The nipple we were using was releasing too much volume for Claire and she was gulping air.  We used a more restrictive nipple and it appears to have helped.

I've had mixed emotions all yesterday into today.  A lot of anger and frustration.  I consider myself a patient person but apparently not when I am grieving.  I'm not angry at Jan... just angry at the situation.  I never thought I would be a widower at 37 with 4 kids.  That is just nuts.  That phrase "hindsight is 20/20" is beyond true when dealing with a tragedy.  All of the pointless reflection on how things transpired do nothing to ease the pain and everything to assist in making it worse.  So what if I had a flux capacitor and could go back in time?  What would I do?  As much as I miss Jan and as much as I would want things to work out differently, I don't know if I would change anything.  I believe that hard times even times that seriously stretch you well beyond your comfort zone are for your good and the desire to avoid them is childish.  These events have the potential to help you be a better you.  I could be bitter at the world and piss and moan about the situation or I can learn from it and help others.  I find my kids are sponges and how I react will be remembered and may (and probably will) affect them as well.  I just try to keep in mind that this life isn't just for the here and now... there is much more after this life.  The question I try to ask myself is what am I doing to be a better me today than yesterday and how can this event help me to be better.  

8:39 pm -

So Jan had purchased a wrap for holding Claire.  I was not too anxious to even try it because I used a Baby Bjorn for our other three.  Anyway, with my back hurting and Claire having gas pains I was told the wrap helps both.  I got some instructions from one of our friends and held Claire in it.  She LOVED it.  She stopped crying once she was in it.  I was so accustomed to carrying our kids in a Baby Bjorn that I didn't think a wrap could be better.  Well, it is.  My back doesn't hurt near as much.  This one has flowers but oh well.  It will be a good memory of Jan.  

I'm just exhausted from everything.  I forgot how much a newborn can zap your energy.  She isn't even a toddler yet!  I think I am also just exhausted mentally/spiritually/emotionally.  I find myself looking at objects in our home and recalling a memory with Jan.  Seeing her putting on makeup... watching as she used various makeup brushes.  Seeing her sit at the family computer writing email.  Seeing her close the door after me as I leave to go back to work after lunch.  Seeing her pull into the driveway.  I suppose I just miss her looking into my eyes.  I guess it was the look that needed no words that said a million.  I just miss that more than anything else.
 

16 Jan 2015 (27 days after The Day)

3:00 am -

Day starts with Claire's feeding time.  She eats but is plagued with gas pains.  We take her to her neurology appointment.  Like most hospitals they were designed by incompetent architects.  I say that because the one place you need to find a place fast and you can't.  After parking in the incorrect parking lot we hiked a half mile through loading docks only to be directed eventually to the building that was not located on the map we were using.  Once inside the overhead instructions were better than normal but it still took 4-5 different people directing us or walking with us to get us where we need to go.  We would hoof it down a hallway for about 50 yards and have to check to see if we were on the right one or not.  For goodness sake, it is a freakin' hospital!  What would happen if I was inept at finding my way around or if I just collapsed.  I suppose I would eventually be found and transported somewhere.  It is just frustrating when you get directions like "Take the second right to a bank of elevators.  Take those to the blue floor.  Exit the elevator and make a right and take the cross walk to the John Doe towers.  There you will take your second bank of elevators to the 2nd floor and take three right turns until you reach a receptionist.  They can direct you to the clinic that I have never heard of"  No idea on how long you walk or if the turns are only a few clicks away.  Ever traveled to Atlanta's airport?  Think of walking on the international terminal?  I recall once thinking ... "It doesn't look that far".  Luckily I had someone yell at me and ask what in the **** I was doing trying to walk there.  Today I managed to find the clinic and when we finally got there and asked for a map they didn't include the entire medical complex.  Seriously.  So, we lucked out and they called security to give us a ride back to our parking garage.  What a mess.  Did I mention I was holding Claire the entire time?  That was our ticket for politeness I believe.  It is hard to get pissed at someone when they are holding a newborn walking fast in a hospital.  Here is a tip for hospital design.  Make it a rectangle or square like every other building in the city.  They have predictable elevators either in the middle or on the edges and rooms correspond with the floor.  Fourth floor = suite 4**.  That isn't rocket science or in this case brain surgery.  There is a book you should read called The Design of Everyday Things by Don Norman.  Architects will get an epiphany if you think current hospitals are designed great.

ok... I'm off my soap box... for now

I went to a family counseling center to evaluate it for my family.  That was very very hard.  Then to the grave of my wife to discuss things.  This was the first time I had been there by myself.  I think those that care for the property thought I was a little bonkers.  I just sat on my future plot and had a chat with Jan.  Like I said, it was hard and the experience made it real since I was talking to a pile of dirt.  The flowers are gone except for a few wilted ones and there is no marker yet.  This is yet another thing I need to do.  The list goes on.

-more later-

15 Jan 2015 (26 days after The Day)

7:00 am -

Well, the Gripe Water works!  Halleluiah.  Claire takes her sweet time eating but no more gas pains!  Yay!  Happy day!  I was reminded this morning that being tongue-tied runs in the family and I totally forgot that this could be a cause.  I have this issue and so does my son.  I don't know if Claire has this or not.. I need to look closely.  Anyway, poor Ammon has been stuck in his room all day for this entire week.  He has been sick and we didn't want to run the risk of getting Claire sick.  Today was the first day he asked to play with some of his toys.  I'm so glad he is on the mend and he is such a trooper being in his room all day.  He has been sleeping a lot so it isn't like he is just staring at the wall.

I was talking to my mom about just getting a different baby bed that would be higher off the ground.  My back is better this morning and I hope I don't have to repeat this much!

I will begin the process of going through letters, cards, and PayPal notices.  I have put this off because of the pain that comes from this but all of this is piling up and I don't want to be ungrateful for all the kindness that has been poured out on my family.  Going through all of this is like opening a wound and I just needed to heal a little before processing all of this.  If any have given and wondered why there was no response... that is why.

5:59 pm -

Today has been a tough day.  I ended up relating much of what happened in detail with multiple people.  You would think that after a while just relating details could be done without much turmoil.  That isn't the case.  I ended up reliving everything.  I didn't share everything but what was shared triggered other memories.  Seeing CPR being performed on my wife and realizing her time is up.  Realizing I had 3 kids at home in bed that I would have to wake up and share this with.  Trying to come to grips with the loneliness that enveloped me.  All tough memories.  All raw memories.  It is like I take 2 steps forward and 1 back.

9:19 pm -

So with everything that has been going on I have neglected to clean up.  Yet another thing my wife did.  So I have boxes and stuff that is everywhere.  None of it is stuff I can just throw out.  I have to determine what is ok to go and what isn't.  What a mess.  Today I was talking with someone about the Kubler-Ross model of coping with grief.  You may have heard of this but it goes like this.  There are five stages of grief that everyone goes through

1.) Denial
2.) Anger
3.) Bargaining
4.) Depression
5.) Acceptance

This may vary based on the grief that someone goes through but the pattern exists.  I feel like I have gone through 1, 2, and 4.  I suppose the sooner I go through all of this the sooner I can heal but I cannot imagine my life without my wife and sometimes "acceptance" is difficult because like the clothes in her closet.... when I removed them it was like reliving everything.  I haven't touched her shoes yet and they are in the same place where she last kicked them off.  It is silly stuff like that that makes #5 difficult.  Oh well... one day at a time.
 


-more later-

14 Jan 2015 (25 days after The Day)

6:51 am -

  Claire is finally back to sleep.  She decided to wake up at 4:30.  She seems to have some tummy problems in the morning.  I don't know why but sometimes it is a chore getting her settled.  I'm awake and working.  It is weird how life moves on.  You may see some horrible accident on the way to work and honestly care about their welfare; however, once the traffic begins to flow again it may be out of sight and out of mind.  The people in the accident get to deal with the fallout from the event.  It doesn't end for them.  If we were in the accident then insurance can get involved and we get our cars fixed.  We relive the situation on how the accident occurred again and again.  Our broken car is a daily reminder of the event.  Once the car is fixed we can move on.  We don't have something staring us in the face on a daily basis.  We may only have reminders come when we have to pay our insurance premium and remember why our rates are higher.  With death it is almost a moment by moment reminder.  Claire is crying.  Jan will tend to her needs... oh wait, that's not going to happen.  On my way home I see the van in the driveway.  Oh good, Jan is home... oh wait, she isn't.  Looking at a pile of her stuff on the dresser...   I need to ask her about that... oh wait.. I guess I will just decide.  Should Madilyn register for indoor soccer?  I need to talk with Jan about that... oh wait I forgot.  Every moment I seem to relive.  Every moment comes with sadness and pain.  It isn't so much pain of missing a mother... it is pain of missing my companion.  My best friend.  I swear.... feeling takes a lot of energy.  It is worse than going to a party for me.

8:39 pm -

I'm experiencing physical pain.  I just need to not stand.  Sitting is fine.  Tending Claire is fine but        holding her and walking or bending over is not working.  My back is on fire.  I recall when we moved to our old home it was our first 2 story home.  We were doing our normal routine and both Jan and I mentioned that our legs were hurting after about 2 weeks.  We didn't know why.  It wasn't until I had to go down the stairs that it registered that the stairs in our home, while insignificant in my mind, played a huge role in our legs being sore.  This is the same with Claire.  Most things in our home are made for the average height person so when I have to bend over to tend Claire it is just taxing.  I never realized how much until tonight when I am doing good to just sit.  Both my older sisters played the flute and they mentioned how difficult it was for long periods when first playing to keep their arm up to hold the instrument.  I mean, Claire is only about 10 lbs.  10 lbs!  How small of a weight is that and yet my back is throwing in the towel.  I suppose I had just forgotten... I mean this is kiddo number 4.

Claire is dealing with gas pains and we got some Gripe Water to assist.  We will see how that fares.