Today I relived a bit of sadness from my past. I have a friend of mine who's husband has terminal cancer and they decided to stop fighting it and put him on hospice care. They have two kids and during this trial she was expecting her third. To make things more difficult her baby has died before childbirth leaving her to bury two family members in the near future. I think we all feel a bit of pain when we know of someone who is going through such hard times. It is something that we grow from but I think we all wish for a magic wand to help them out. I think it is only after going through such hard times that we reflect on the positive effects that pain had on our lives. As much as I hate losing Jan and going through that hell I have to agree that the pain and anguish has made me a different person. A better person. It is a steep price to pay for that growth and is a shame if it is not used to help others. I think we all have something to share. We all have something we can do to help others.
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
Thursday, January 24, 2019
24 January 2019 (4 years, 1 month, 5 days after The Day)
So - phones. New phones. This is the news. Some kids seem to be prone to breaking things. There are a couple in our family that will generally break any technology faster than the others. Anyway - we were planning on moving our mobile phones to consolidate our phone plans but one of the kiddos shut their phone in the door of the car prompting the need to replace a phone. We just were not planning on the expense. ug.
I was comforting Madilyn tonight. She was missing Jan. Sometimes the grief just shows up when we least expect it. We talked a bit and we just hugged. I feel bad when my kids feel pain. :-(
For whatever reason I feel the last few days in our home have been going more positive with the blending of our kids. I don't know what caused the change but so far I think my interaction with my step kids the children's interaction with each other just seems to be better. That is so encouraging.
There were a bunch of break-ins the other day around our neighborhood. All of it was centered around cars being broken into. It is unfortunate but it is a reality that sometimes we forget about.
I've spent a few days this week shoveling snow. It is so tiring ... especially when it is wet snow (i.e. slushy at the bottom). So - most of the snow melted and that is making things easier outside. I do have challenges with people using ATVs with a plow though. A neighborhood kid was helping my neighbor across the street and he was pushing all the snow down their driveway (long driveway) directly in front of my home. This wasn't a small amount either. I stopped him when the pile was 3.5 feet high and asked him to move it since it interfered with putting out trash cans and parking vehicles. I catch myself when I'm talking to people and I sound like a grouchy old man. I need to learn to smile when I am talking to people so I don't come across that way. Well - the good news is I seem to have plenty of opportunities to practice this.
Until later -
I was comforting Madilyn tonight. She was missing Jan. Sometimes the grief just shows up when we least expect it. We talked a bit and we just hugged. I feel bad when my kids feel pain. :-(
For whatever reason I feel the last few days in our home have been going more positive with the blending of our kids. I don't know what caused the change but so far I think my interaction with my step kids the children's interaction with each other just seems to be better. That is so encouraging.
There were a bunch of break-ins the other day around our neighborhood. All of it was centered around cars being broken into. It is unfortunate but it is a reality that sometimes we forget about.
I've spent a few days this week shoveling snow. It is so tiring ... especially when it is wet snow (i.e. slushy at the bottom). So - most of the snow melted and that is making things easier outside. I do have challenges with people using ATVs with a plow though. A neighborhood kid was helping my neighbor across the street and he was pushing all the snow down their driveway (long driveway) directly in front of my home. This wasn't a small amount either. I stopped him when the pile was 3.5 feet high and asked him to move it since it interfered with putting out trash cans and parking vehicles. I catch myself when I'm talking to people and I sound like a grouchy old man. I need to learn to smile when I am talking to people so I don't come across that way. Well - the good news is I seem to have plenty of opportunities to practice this.
Until later -
Friday, January 18, 2019
18 January 2019 (4 years and 30 days after The Day)
So - yes there has been a bit of a delay from my last entry to today. I think mainly because I am mentally processing a lot and have struggled on what to include in this blog. I think I have struggled with how life has turned out. That phrase is not what you may be thinking. I was talking to Samantha earlier today and I have just struggled with the realities of how the youth in my home treat adults. I think I had some idealistic view point that wasn't reality. I get that kids grow up and seek for independence and want to go and do but I have just really been hit hard with how the lack of gratitude is just so pervasive in their attitudes and demeanors. I think this is a result of two things -
1.) my tolerance of poor behavior
2.) my children being children
I know I am not a perfect parent and am far from it. I know it is difficult for everyone to look at their own weaknesses. Some people gossip, some people are prideful, some boast, etc. For me I feel I snap at my kids. My level of tolerance evaporates as I immediately skip to the end and share my thoughts leaving my kids feeling unheard. "You don't listen" is a common phrase I have heard so I am taking a step back and learning how to parent again. I feel like I am in parenting 101 now that my children are in their teen years. I feel like everything I have learned over the past years is not much use when talking to a person who already believes they understand things.
On that note - I have more gray hair coming in. I feel I have earned every one.
1.) my tolerance of poor behavior
2.) my children being children
I know I am not a perfect parent and am far from it. I know it is difficult for everyone to look at their own weaknesses. Some people gossip, some people are prideful, some boast, etc. For me I feel I snap at my kids. My level of tolerance evaporates as I immediately skip to the end and share my thoughts leaving my kids feeling unheard. "You don't listen" is a common phrase I have heard so I am taking a step back and learning how to parent again. I feel like I am in parenting 101 now that my children are in their teen years. I feel like everything I have learned over the past years is not much use when talking to a person who already believes they understand things.
On that note - I have more gray hair coming in. I feel I have earned every one.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
12 January 2019 (4 years and 24 days after The Day)
Today was spent doing chores and going to Costco. What an entry.
I walked around our block today which took a lot longer than anticipated as I ran into some of my neighbors and started talking. Seriously - this is a lame entry.
I did get a chance to talk with my sister for a bit on the phone and that was nice. The older kids (Dylan and Emma) were on Choir trip all day and Alex was gone most of the day. He had some activities in the morning and then ended up accidentally locking his keys in the car. I swear - for a day that we didn't do much I am tired.
Samantha and I are still talking about a dog.
I walked around our block today which took a lot longer than anticipated as I ran into some of my neighbors and started talking. Seriously - this is a lame entry.
I did get a chance to talk with my sister for a bit on the phone and that was nice. The older kids (Dylan and Emma) were on Choir trip all day and Alex was gone most of the day. He had some activities in the morning and then ended up accidentally locking his keys in the car. I swear - for a day that we didn't do much I am tired.
Samantha and I are still talking about a dog.
11 January 2019 (4 years and 23 days after The Day)
So today I ended up fixing a ton of issues at work. I mean a ton. I know sometimes Fridays are like just wishing the weekend would come but for me I ended up getting one thing done after another. By the time I looked at the clock it was nearly 6pm (7pm central). I generally start work at 7am (8am central) so suffice it to say I was a bit shocked at the time.
I ended up going to the gym and it was our last day. (our membership expired). I am not trying to boast but rather document this. I am so proud of myself. In the last year I dropped over 30 lbs. I have maintained that for a few months now. Yesterday I told Samantha I wanted to get our moneys worth so I decided to do an arm and leg day (dumb idea). I did the following:
On the leg press: 10 reps @ 385 then 20 reps @ 445
On the bench press: 20 reps @ 165
On the butterfly press: 30 reps @ 160
On the pulldown: 30 reps of 120
On the pushdown: 30 reps of 140
Then I did the cycle for 20 min.
Yes- my legs are strong but my knees are weak. I try to do the same exercise I had to do in physical therapy when I tore my meniscus all those months ago. Going from a leg press of 25 lbs to 445 is pretty good progress in my book. I used to do more when I was a kid so while it sounds impressive... I'm still working up to what I could do in my 20s.
Ok - enough of the logging of personal stats... this is just for my reference but then again - so is this silly blog. hahaha.
I ended up playing Minecraft when I got home. I'm not a "gamer" so this was just an adult trying to figure out video games that my kids play. I don't know how to do anything but dig so the kids taught me a few things on how to make tools and I ended up digging to an underground cavern with a lava lake. I was like wow!... that is cool. I can see how kids want to keep playing this stuff. So I looked at the clock - 11:35pm. I'm off to bed.
I ended up going to the gym and it was our last day. (our membership expired). I am not trying to boast but rather document this. I am so proud of myself. In the last year I dropped over 30 lbs. I have maintained that for a few months now. Yesterday I told Samantha I wanted to get our moneys worth so I decided to do an arm and leg day (dumb idea). I did the following:
On the leg press: 10 reps @ 385 then 20 reps @ 445
On the bench press: 20 reps @ 165
On the butterfly press: 30 reps @ 160
On the pulldown: 30 reps of 120
On the pushdown: 30 reps of 140
Then I did the cycle for 20 min.
Yes- my legs are strong but my knees are weak. I try to do the same exercise I had to do in physical therapy when I tore my meniscus all those months ago. Going from a leg press of 25 lbs to 445 is pretty good progress in my book. I used to do more when I was a kid so while it sounds impressive... I'm still working up to what I could do in my 20s.
Ok - enough of the logging of personal stats... this is just for my reference but then again - so is this silly blog. hahaha.
I ended up playing Minecraft when I got home. I'm not a "gamer" so this was just an adult trying to figure out video games that my kids play. I don't know how to do anything but dig so the kids taught me a few things on how to make tools and I ended up digging to an underground cavern with a lava lake. I was like wow!... that is cool. I can see how kids want to keep playing this stuff. So I looked at the clock - 11:35pm. I'm off to bed.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
10 January 2019 (4 years and 22 days after The Day)
Well - I wrote a bit and realized that it is taking this blog in a different direction so I erased what I wrote. Samantha shared a podcast with me today and I have to admit that I found it very interesting. It is about real stories of tragic events in people's lives and how they handled them. It made me realize that while we all have tragic events in our lives we are equally interested in hearing of these events from others. Well - perhaps that is just me. I found this podcast very interesting as I listened to the commentary of the person describing what happened and then hearing commentary of a counselor on how to deal with it. I think for once in my life it was validating that I am not the only one with issues. Ha!
Well - my neighbor has had computer issues for a while and I have meant to go by and help her so earlier this week I went over and did a phase 1 of fixing her machine. Tonight I went over for phase 2. I was shocked that it took as long as it did and I realize I must not judge time well. I was happy to help her on her machine but at the same time I was sad that I missed out with dinner with the family. That is my one time to get everyone together so we can chat. I was hoping tonight would be better than yesterday.
I had a good chat with Emma tonight. She is reading a book called "A Child Called 'It'" and can I just say it is super hard to listen to. It is about a boy's life growing up with an alcoholic mother that abused him in horrible ways. My heart breaks for children who are abused.
I had a good conversation with Samantha today. Sometimes we go a ways between these conversations but today's was good.
Until tomorrow -
Well - my neighbor has had computer issues for a while and I have meant to go by and help her so earlier this week I went over and did a phase 1 of fixing her machine. Tonight I went over for phase 2. I was shocked that it took as long as it did and I realize I must not judge time well. I was happy to help her on her machine but at the same time I was sad that I missed out with dinner with the family. That is my one time to get everyone together so we can chat. I was hoping tonight would be better than yesterday.
I had a good chat with Emma tonight. She is reading a book called "A Child Called 'It'" and can I just say it is super hard to listen to. It is about a boy's life growing up with an alcoholic mother that abused him in horrible ways. My heart breaks for children who are abused.
I had a good conversation with Samantha today. Sometimes we go a ways between these conversations but today's was good.
Until tomorrow -
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
9 January 2019 (4 years and 21 days after The Day)
Today was one of those days that went well until dinner. Then everything kind of fell apart and I feel to blame. So - yay for me. I went to the gym later on to get rid of some stress and that helped some. I'm back at home and just tired and frustrated. Oh well. Sometimes life is just tough.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)