05 Nov 2015 (320 days after The Day)

On my way out the door I realized my tire on my van was flat.  I borrowed my neighbor's air compressor and inflated my tire... took it to the tire shop and got two new tires.  That was just another thing on my list that seemed to linger because the tread was low.  So in a way it was an issue I didn't feel like I had time to deal with and it was good to get it off my plate.  So at work I have been neck-deep into some work for a few weeks now.  I was able to finally get some off my desk and wow what a relief it was to do so.  I rushed home for a game that Madilyn had and she played her heart out.  They won 1:0.  By the time we got back it was time for everyone to do their nighttime chores and much of interacting with the kids was done.  Claire was already in bed.  Samantha and I have plans to hang out this weekend as we continue to pack and get things in order.  It is such an ordeal to plan combining households for 9 people.  It keeps me busy though so I am grateful for that.

04 Nov 2015 (319 days after The Day)

Both Samantha and I have been married before.  Both of us have kids and have done the normal family routine.  Both of us have confidence in this role and time in our lives.  I dated Jan for about 5 years before we married.  We were married for 15.  During that time she and I grew to really understand each other.  When Samantha and I met and dated it was very short; however, we both felt good about everything.  So we made the decision and moved forward.  Both of us had confidence in the future.  What we are still working out is the quirks between us.  It is a funny adjustment to feel completely confident in your abilities as a parent but all of a sudden questioning your abilities as a spouse.  Don't get me wrong - there is no worry about if I made the right decision - it is about how Samantha and I react to various scenarios.  It is entertaining.  I don't know another word to use.  Both of us are confident parents yet we are working to ensure our relationship is solid as well.  We are both concerned that our communications through our actions may be misinterpreted and we are both taking additional action to ensure what we did reflects what we mean.  So - juggling that with normal parenting has been interesting.    So - something for the memory banks.

I have decided to write in this blog daily for a year.  This is just my decision at this point - it may change in the future.  My hope is that this silly thing can be of some benefit to someone who has lost a spouse.  I feel I have captured a lot of my feelings here.  The loss of your spouse is really like being cut in half and then asked to go about your day like nothing happened.  It is an odd feeling both as a spouse and as a parent who needs to be there for your kids.  I still have tough days.  My love for Jan has not diminished and yet I have remarried.  It is a very odd feeling to love two women.  Anyway - there you have it... another day.  

03 Nov 2015 (318 days after The Day)

This morning I overslept again but promised Emma I would take her to see Jan in the morning.  As we were there memories came back of burying Jan.  I told Emma where I was to be buried and then said "This isn't too bad..." to which I said - when I am dead and gone you can say this is what I said about this place.  We laughed a bit.  It is a quiet cemetery but come Saturday night it is next to a race track... I didn't know this at the time I got the plot but I consider it a free gift with purchase... Jan probably doesn't.  HA! 


We went to group therapy in the evening.  It is so good to get around others who have experienced loss.  We talked about preparing for the holidays and what that means for everyone.  It was really good to get everyone's perspective.  For me this move will be both good and bad.  It will be good to have a change to what we knew since I personally am not as festive as Jan was with the holidays.  I generally don't decorate much but we have 1/4 of our garage that seems to be something related to Christmas, Easter, or some other holiday.  It will be very tough to leave my home.  My home is really Jan's home.  She picked it out.  It will forever be hers in my mind.  That will be a tough thing to process.  Overall the group therapy went well for everyone.

I promised Emma that I would help her get some supplies tomorrow morning for her school.  So - tomorrow we will swing by Lowes or Home Depot and get some materials for physics experiments.  Since Samantha and I are still in separate homes in a way I still feel like a single dad.  I take comfort that I am able to get things done and am so very thankful for my mom who selflessly sacrifices to help me with Claire, the kids, and the house.  She really is sent from God.  When Samantha and I combine our families under one roof it will be very much like the Brady Bunch.  Fun times for sure.

We got our wedding pictures in... here we are... all 9 of us.

02 Nov 2015 (317 days after The Day)

Monday has come as a complete unbelief that it is now November.  Emma and I overslept and I missed taking her to seminary.  I met with my Dr. today and he said that he confirmed that I had some kind of bacterial poisoning like salmonella, e coli, or some other kind.  It is comforting to know that is all it was and holy cow do I have a new appreciation for anyone who says they dealt with this.

My cold is kicking my tail.  I got home, helped my mom with dinner, and then we watched the Disney Pixar movie "The Incredibles" (or the beginning).  We then retired for the evening.  I had difficulty sleeping because of my inability to breathe.... thus the start of another day.  

01 Nov 2015 (316 days after The Day)

I awoke tired and feeling like I was having hot flashes.  I decided to take a shower to help me get going and by the time breakfast hit I realized I wasn't going anywhere.  I crawled back into bed and slept the day away.  I am ready to be well so I can get some stuff done.  What a mess.  I cannot believe it is already November.

31 Oct 2015 (315 days after The Day)

Halloween has come.  I feel drained of energy.  I slept.  I tried to save up enough energy to make it  trick or treating in the evening.  Emma and Madilyn had activities they attended during the day and I slept.  My sickness has gotten worse but I want to be there for my kids.  By the time evening came around I was able to take Emma and Ammon around the block while Madilyn, Claire, and Grandma stayed at home to answer the door.  Someone dressed up as the Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and brought a real chainsaw.  He was revving it up and holding this chainsaw above his head as he walked down the sidewalk.  He was scaring the crap out of the young children.  About 10 parents gathered around this fool and told him to knock it off.  The kids that arrived at my home were crying.  It was horrible.  I informed my mom and Madilyn of what was going on and then went trick or treating keeping Leatherface in my view.  Some neighbor thought it would be funny to take some candy from Ammon's bag.  Ammon reached in and got a piece and handed it to her.  She said she was just joking.  Ammon said "I want you to have it.  Everyone deserves to have a happy Halloween".  This lady's heart melted and she just hugged Ammon.  I swear.. I can't make this stuff up.  I arrived back at my home after making a couple of blocks and took Madilyn.  She was terrified of this chainsaw guy that we couldn't see.  He made another appearance about a block away and I kept my eye on him.  By the time the trick or treating was done I was spent.  Daylight savings hit tonight... We gain an hour.  I need it.  I need to sleep. 

30 Oct 2015 (314 days after The Day)

Friday - A day to end the week.  The cold I have been battling seems to come and go.  At times I have strength and at other times I don't.  At work it was good.  I accomplished much.  I looked into the future of different technologies and how we can embrace them to meet future demand.  These are days I enjoy. 

I came home weary and tired.  I piled up the kids and went to a church sponsored "Trunk or Treat" activity.  Ammon was supposed to be a bat but his costume was not coming together so he looked more like a crow.  His wings were really cool... but fragile.  They broke (again) on the way there and I had to go back inside to glue them back together.  The rain brought the activity inside and amidst 200-300 people I found myself talking with a few that I knew.  At times I find myself turning into a "me monster"... the one thing I despise... I have good stories to add when in a group setting but it seems those stories get vocalized with a me me me theme.  I realized this and just stopped talking.  Bryan Regan has a good skit on this in his show "I walked on the moon".  After the activity we piled back into the van and drove home.  By the time everyone was showered and in bed I was completely drained.

One thing has come out from all the to-do list that is going on.  I miss my kids.  I seem so preoccupied with the thick of thin things that I lose sight of what is really important.  I suppose that is one of the great lessons of life.  Learn to put first things first.