21 Aug 2015 (244 days after The Day)

ok... so today was a crazy day -

1. since my knee was injured I was scheduled to go to physical therapy.  That would be the first time for me.  Yeah... that was painful.  Learned some exercises I can do and yep... they all hurt.
2. we took Claire to a follow-up appointment with the neurologist.  He said he would like to do a MRI on her in a few months.  So - we scheduled a time and will wait for it.  Overall he was pleased with her progress.
3. There was a package waiting for me when I got home.  I opened it up and it was a hand-drawn picture of the family... but the artist had drawn in Jan holding Claire.  I just wept.  It was a project initiated by one of Jan's best friends and paid for by a huge group of people from Houston.  I wept again.  This is the pic below.  One of the things I just wanted Jan to do was to hold Claire.  This pic would be what it would be like.

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4. The washing machine did two things
1. started filling and overfilled spilling water all over the utility room
2. would not do the rinse cycle or agitate the clothing
3. I identified what I need to do and am ordering the parts.

On that note - I am going to bed.  I have been so very blessed.

20 Aug 2015 (243 days after The Day)

So - today was more calm than yesterday.  I spent most of my work day in a meeting.  We have lots of projects ongoing and it was good to get everyone up to speed.

The kids have purged their rooms and most of the stuff has been sorted and stored in the attic.  There is a section of stuff that is a mixture of trash and donations that I will be cleaning out this weekend.  It will be good to get the living room back.

I don't have any deep thoughts today.  I have just been busy with life.

19 Aug 2015 (242 days after The Day)

So on this 242nd day after The Day I have been able to reflect back on the changes I have made in my life.  So many changes and so many things still have not changed.  Those that have have been huge milestones for me.  I suppose all changes are milestones.  Overall - I think the major ones that have been the most difficult are

1.)  giving yourself permission to feel
2.)  giving yourself permission to heal
3.)  giving yourself permission to change

I have a strong amount of respect for all that Jan did for our little family.  I have a newfound understanding of what I am capable of.  Even now - I look back and think - those are some hard memories and I am glad they are over.  That seems to be healing - just reflecting on all that has transpired.  Looking down the latter to see how far I have climbed.  It gives motivation to move forward.

18 Aug 2015 (241 days after The Day)

So today I went back to work.  My mind was just not there.  I think I enjoyed my vacation.  Ha!  Well - I also think my mind has been thinking on something for some time.  I found that I can give myself permission to move forward on various things in life.... but when I do I let go of Jan a little bit and regain a bit of myself.  This letting go is like grieving all over again on a very small scale.  I'm trying to figure out how to allow myself to fully heal without letting go of everything.  I get the impression through my reflection that fully healing will require letting go.  Hmm.... I need to think on this.

17 Aug 2015 (240 days after The Day)

I went bowling and for whatever reason I bowled a 135.  Highest score I have ever done.  It was fun.  The next game I bowled a 75 which seems more normal for me.  But hey - I'll take the high score!

Having that outing was nice to take a break from the day-to-day.  It was a vacation and although bowling generally wasn't on my radar for activities during vacation - I was surrounded by friends and had a blast.

I think it was the first full day I was able to laugh and smile without feeling guilty about it.  That was a good feeling.

16 Aug 2015 (239 days after The Day)

I have learned that this life is full of challenges, joys, and choices.  We have the opportunity to choose path A or path B.  Sometimes our ability to settle on a choice can be difficult if we get into the weeds on every path.  I laugh when I reflect on the 1980's movie "Better off Dead" where council given to the main character Lane Myer on skying is as follows:

Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.

I think that is the challenge we all face.  We know we have to make choices but want comfort that the end result will be ok and we won't end up bruised and hospitalized.  Well - we are not given that assurance.  What we are given is that should we survive our wisdom will grow and our comfort zone will increase.  We also learn that inaction is an action.  Failure to make a decision can often be worse  than making a poor decision.  I appreciate the desire to look from a 30K foot view to see what is our long-term objective.  Once we know what it is ... we embark with the council of "if something gets in your way, turn".  I believe my long-term objective is to have a loving home filled with the Spirit of God.  A place where kids and grandkids want to visit.  A place where family bonds are strong and laughter and joy permeates everything.  Sometimes getting to that answer is the toughest challenge.  What do you really want in life?  What is the end-goal?  How does it affect your life choices.  What I have found in life is every choice matters.  Every choice either brings us to or away from our final destination.  Thus I reflect on what is really important in every choice.  I do NOT want to be an Eeyore in life... a person who drains the energy of all they are around.  It is because of this I have embraced grief.  I have embraced my feelings of loss and abandonment.  I have let go of the old normal and am holding fast to the one truth I do know... the future will NOT be what I originally thought and it is a disservice to me and my kids to pretend that nothing has changed.  My life has been shattered and I refuse to stare at the pieces and say poor me.  I am choosing to make the best of the immediate situation and plan on moving forward to ensure I have a home filled with laughter and love.  What is the hardest part of grief?  Choosing to heal - to not feel guilty for living again.  

15 Aug 2015 (238 days after The Day)

I have been amazed with how the Good Lord will work through others to bring peace back into my life when only a few months ago I struggled to just live.  This life event has hit me to the core.  It has challenged any and all beliefs I have on the eternities.  It has helped to re-prioritize my life with things that really matter.  What heals grief?  Love.  I have been surrounded by friends and family who's outpouring of love has brought peace.  I was introduced to a widow/widowers group where others who have experienced this hell have a place to vent and support each other.  There is a scriputre that I have found to be true... it goes like this

And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

How does God work - through you and me.  By small and simple means.  A phone call - a comforting hug - a listening ear.  For all who have helped me through this I extend my appreciation that you allowed yourself to be an instrument in the hands of God.  I have indeed felt His love and comforting arm and I owe it to everyone who stood up and helped.  Thank you.  Thank you all.