08 August 2026 (11 years, 7 months, 19 days after The Day)

 So, the first post of the year is 8 months after the year.  How lame is that?!  Well, how should I start?  By summarizing all 8 months?  Can you summarize your last 8 months at this very moment?  If you can, I will tip my hat to you.  I cannot.  Maybe it is age.  Maybe it is me just being normal.  I understand why now in the scriptures they say "and it came to pass" because the author didn't feel like going back and trying to remember and summarize.  So - let me start by saying - And it came to pass in the 8th day of the 8th month of 2026 that I have found myself a hobby.  Yes, my friends, it is true.  It isn't work either.  I do often work countless hours it is true.  But this is beyond working and mowing lawns.  I have found Plex.  For those of you not familiar with Plex, let me be the first to shine a light on this beautiful joy to many of my GenX friends.  It works like this.  

Do you have lots of DVDs, Music, Home Videos, etc. that you no longer use because you are too lazy to find it and watch/listen to it so you instead just buy it (again) on a streaming service?

Yes

Well (in my mind I picture the set it and forget it guy on TV giving this pitch)

Did you know there is a service you can get that is FREE that will allow you to take your own DVDs, CD's, Home Movies, etc. and make them stream on your TV?

Ohhhh Ahhhhh [clap here]

Yes, my friends, Plex does just that.  You can take a computer.  Any fairly decent computer and invest in a large hard drive (get 2 - one for production and one for a backup if it fails).  And you can stream your movies to your TV.  It works like this.

Equipment Needed:

• Computer you will dedicate to the cause of your streaming happiness (e.g. your Plex server).
• An external DVD/Blue Ray Disc reader
• A computer you will use to do the ripping of the DVDs/Music

Software needed:

MakeMKV (to rip the DVD)

HandBrake (to shrink the file and turn it from a .mkv to a .mp4)

FileBot (to rename the file into something Plex will know)

Plex (the actual server software to host the files)

WinSCP (to securely transfer movie files from the machine you prep them on to the Plex server)

Plex Instructions

1.) Go to plex.com and dowload the software and install it on the server.

2.) You will need to setup an account with Plex.

3.) You will need a dedicated IP address.  You can either dedicate this on the server or reserve the IP on your router.  Either way you want the IP on the Plex server to not change. 

4.) Once that is configured you will need to establish where the media folders will reside on the server and configure that in plex.

5.) Then the Plex server is up and running.

Instructions for ripping a DVD

1.) Take a DVD

2.) insert it into the external DVD reader

3.) MakeMKV will recognize this and allow you to scan the DVD (takes about 5-10 min).  It will show all previews as well as the film as separate files.

4.) You uncheck everything but the biggest file which is generally the movie

5.) You click continue

6.) it will rip the file to the folder specified. (Takes about 20 min)

7.) Open HandBrake

8.) Search for the folder in question and add the files

9.) Encode the files (takes about 15 minutes)

10.) Open FileBot
11.) Open the folder that has the .mkv and .mp4 files.  Search these against all movies ever made.  Select the correct one.  Then click Rename.

12.) Open WinSCP and connect to your Plex Server.  Drag and drop the .mp4 file created to the Movies folder.

13.) Log into Plex and refresh your library.

Instructions for your TV

1.) Turn on your TV

2.) Navigate to all the apps your TV can connect to

3.) Search and put Plex to your favorites

4.) Open Plex and log in

5.) You will now see your Library with the movie you just ripped.

Question - How does Plex make money??  Are their ads?

Plex wants to sell you a package to view your server content when you travel.  You do not need this to view it from your home.  You can load all your music and be in a foreign country listening to your music from your plex server at your home if you subscribe to one of their packages.  Neat eh?  

They also want to connect you to all other movies .. even those you don't have... for a price.  You can exclude these in the setup screen.

So - that is what I have been up to.  It is fun watching movies again without being bombarded with talking lizards or Muppets or whatever insurance is doing these days to get you to buy.

So - I will write more later.

27 December 2025 (11 years, 7 days after The Day)

 I have been distant from this blog.  I have been pondering on how life slowly moves forward and how we don't realize the change until long after.  I recently reflected on my life when my kiddos were young and when Jan was alive.  It seems like yesterday yet I seem so different now than I did then.  I know we are all on a path.  We are all growing to become something, right?  So years later, will we look back and think "I made the right decisions at the time I made them"?  I feel I will.  I feel very blessed.  I have had pain, sorrow, and suffering.  I have questioned some of the challenges in life and like many, I have welcomed an early departure if one were to come; however, I also have realized that God blesses us with challenges to stretch us and make us grow.  The refinement process is hot with lots of hammering.  It reminds me of this image where I don't want to change and Heavenly Father breaks out the torch after making a lot of subtle attempts at helping me want to change on my own.

It requires a lot of patience with yourself as you endure it and allow yourself to be something different.  This holiday season, well, every holiday season is a stretch for me.  It is like a personal trainer who willingly lets me into the gym and then locks me inside and smiles.  I have learned to look inwardly on what I am made of and realize that while I enjoy a rest, that is not when I grow.  I am so very thankful for both Jan and Samantha.  Two women who have loved me unconditionally and helped me to be my very best.  I truly am so grateful for their sacrifice.

This holiday season I look at my growing family as my kids have little families of their own and I feel so incredibly grateful to be along for the ride.  I wish Jan and Justin were here to see their kids later in life.  

Claire is now 11.  She is incredibly tall for her age.  She wears a 8.5 in a woman's shoe size.  She is about 5'1".  I think Jan would smile at this.

As I reflect on 2025 I am grateful for my family.   I am thankful for the challenges in life which have stretched me and forced my growth.  I am grateful for the support my family and friends give and for the opportunities we have to make different choices tomorrow as we start anew.  

Until later -   

04 September 2025 (10 years, 8 months, 15 days after The Day)

 Yesterday started as a normal day.  I went to work and felt I was very effective.  That is such a good feeling for me.  Like, if there is something that "fills my bucket" it is feeling that I am getting things done. I was able to go on a walk yesterday and that too was good.  The entire day was going well.  

Claire is determined to learn math.  I truly believe in the quote that students teach themselves and teachers inspire.  This concept I learned when Jan and I embraced the Thomas Jefferson Education method of teaching with our kids.  At least, in my own life, when I have been exposed to something, my desire to learn has been furthered by someone who has inspired me.  That inspiration has driven me to want to learn independently of them teaching me.  That internal fire has ignited the fire necessary to overcome the obstacles that come with learning.  With Claire, she has an internal fire lit on math.  I am striving to adapt math to something that she can do.  Working with things that are base 10 seems to work for her whether an abacus or her fingers - leveraging 10 counting things seems to really help her grasp the concept of getting the answer.  So - over the last couple of days, she has been able to master addition and subtraction using this base 10 guide for attacking problems.  She is getting roughly 99% of the problems correct.  She was intimidated by multiplication and division but when I showed her skip counting (which she knows a bit of) she was fascinated to realize she already knows how to multiply and divide.  She just needs some practice. Every evening and morning this week has been met with her asking to do math.  That is the inspiration that I love to see in anyone that has an internal fire lit.  They want to learn on their own regardless of the teacher.

Samantha and I started watching a show on TV where the first episode dealt with the main actor's wife being murdered and another person on the show who had a kid being murdered.  I believe the second one triggered me beyond anything.  I was just angry.  I was fueled with such anger.  I wanted to reach through the TV and communicate with the lady that was putting her life in danger who later died because of her actions.  She was so foolish.  She was so careless.  She was such a good mother and yet, now she was dead.  Hindsight is 20/20 so I remind myself that when you look in the past you have depression, in the future is anxiety, but the present is peace.  I think on this and it gives me calm and composure.  

It is amazing how we have the ability to live vicariously through others in movies, books, and other media.  We have the ability to experience love, loss, happiness, triumph, sadness, pain, anger, elation, betrayal and grief all as if we experienced it first-hand all by allowing ourselves to become vulnerable to the content.  It is so real that we would swear that we experienced it right along with the main character.  

It is why, I believe, we should be careful what we allow ourselves to be exposed to.  Is it surprising to see some content numb the soul where other content enriches it? From a data perspective there are trends that become visual over time.  Like temperature in a pot over a stove, a gradual increase is hard to tell.  Is it abnormal for a med student to shadow a doctor in the ER and vomit because of the gore they are exposed to?  Is it abnormal for a doctor who has worked in the ER for years to vomit because of the gore?  This exposure is what I speak of.  I can see the trend on TV and movies over time where the public is getting exposed so slowly that we don't recognize it.  

Perhaps I need to revisit what I am watching.  I suppose we all need a reassessment as we are all going somewhere and if we don't want to randomly end up somewhere we may want to adjust course.  Life should be deliberate, right?  Life should be filled with choices that you stand by and say, I made this choice!  I look around and think, you could have a movie playing in a theater and I bet 90% or more of those watching the movie would be just as happy to doom scroll on their phone.  What a pointless waste of a life.  I have pondered why doom scrolling is so common.  I think it is like drinking or drugs.  It just allows the participant to detach from reality.  

This entry has been a ramble for sure.  Until next time - 

31 August 2025 (10 years, 8 months, 11 days after The Day)

 So - at last I make an entry.  Let's all get up to date.  In May, I accepted a job offer to lead IT at a steel manufacturing company.  The job search was so difficult on me mentally and I was glad to have it come to an end.  It isn't local to me so I end up having to do a bit of hybrid work which is fine.  My kids are growing up and they are all going different directions.  It is expected but sad when they move out.  I had an executive management trip to take last week and Madilyn ended up moving out.  It was sad to see her go.  On that trip I was introduced to playing golf.  So - I learned a couple of things.  Baseball doesn't have any competitive advantage in golf.  So, regardless of my ability to hit the ball with a bat, it had no translation to helping me with a club.  I also learned that golf clubs are very short to me.  I ended up playing 2-18 hole games and 1-9 hole game.  By the time I played the 9 hole game I realized how to play.  I was more focused on hitting with accuracy than with power.  I also lucked out on that game to get clubs that were long so I genuinely enjoyed the game more.

When I arrived home my feet were killing me.  I realize how much golf plays into business as it helped build relationships of trust amongst the executives AND we were able to tackle some business problems along the way.  I started out not knowing these people and ended the trip feeling like I was part of the company.  My son called me as my plane had landed asking if we could start mowing early so he could catch some of the football games.  One of our lawn clients had a tree taken out and the stump grinded down.  They wanted the wood chips hauled off to the dump.  After loading and dumping the weigh station had the truck with 1000 lbs. of wood chips.  THEN we had two lawns to mow.  After the lawns I spent the rest of the day catching up with a weeks worth of work I wasn't able to do. 

 Ammon, Claire, and I then met Samantha at work as her shift ended and we went to Chili's for dinner.  It was a nice evening out.  I honestly don't recall the last time we took Ammon and Claire out.  When we got home, I was so tired from the day that I couldn't really stay awake.  I excused myself and went to bed.  Today was a busy day with church.  I filled in doing the video/YouTube presentation as the normal guy assigned was ill.  It took me a minute to remember how to work all the controls.

When I got home I ate a bowl of cereal, changed into something comfy, and then Madilyn came home with her dog, Athena.  Athena was so excited to see me which made me smile.  She was just all smiles and wagging her tail so hard it was hitting her face.  She is snuggling on her huge dog bed while Madilyn is snoozing on the couch.  I am glad I have tomorrow off from work as I need a moment to recoup from the travel.

So - now that I am working again, it is a lot of the same schedule.  I have realized how much I put work into my worth as I struggled with seeing my worth until I was employed.  I think this is probably fairly common with men.  I think of how different men and women are when it comes to stresses of life - not that one is more/less than the other or that one is better/worse than the other.  Just that we are so different.  I think back to the way Jan handled stressful times.  I think to how Samantha handles stressful times.  I think on how I handle stressful times.  I think we all process stress differently.  I am reminded of when Jan and I got married.  Someone asked Jan what she was thinking the day before - she said "I can't believe I'm going to be married - I am so excited".  When I was asked I said something similar but I was thinking I am now going to officially be responsible for two people (Jan and myself).  That level of stress motivated me to be my best.  I think often stress can paralyze you as well - especially when you feel you have no resources.  Maybe there is a kernel of truth in the words of Dory from the movie "Finding Nemo" "Just keep swimming"

Until next time -

02 March 2025 (10 years, 2 months, 10 days after The Day)

 Greetings everybody.  I have been pondering many events that have transpired in my life of late.  I realize that we see, learn, and understand things in a given way and internalize them forever that way.  Here is a definition for you.

A paradigm is a framework, model, or set of assumptions that define how something is understood, approached, or conducted within a particular field or context. It shapes thinking, behaviors, and methodologies.

For a visual, 

  

Another is hearing a passing siren from an emergency vehicle.  We hear it approach at one pitch, sound normal, then in the distance as it moves away has a different pitch.  If the question is "what is the sound of the siren" then the answer is actually all of them.  Just because it sounds "normal" when it is up close doesn't mean it is wrong when it is far away leaving or far away approaching.  This reality has helped me over the years not to cast judgement too quickly on a situation. 

Now, before you all run away with the thought of math, hear me out.  Let's talk about Walmart people.  You know what I am talking about.  You walk in that store and you think to yourself when you see people, "That's different." or maybe you don't think it.  Maybe you say it.  Let's look at a distribution of data below.  Let's call this "Walmart shoppers and their choices of clothing"  The blue section represents the vast majority of people like you and me that know how to dress themselves.  The green section starts to leave "normal" and enter the area of "you may not want to wear that in public".  The yellow section may represent the rare but entertaining experience of the outlier in the store where you wonder how they arrived there and if there is a timer running on when police will be called or if police know them by name already.

My wife says she is going to get me a shirt that says "That's different" because of how many times I notice things in the green or yellow areas.  Suffice it to say I think we are all judgmental.  I bring this up because we may be too quick to cast judgement not knowing the person themselves.  For example, I struggle with color and think to myself maybe there are times I am too lazy to ask someone how I look before I head out the door to Walmart. Maybe I am normally dressing in the green area and don't know it.  People may look at me surprised that I tied my shoes correctly.

When I graduated from Purdue, we saw people on campus wandering around that looked very disheveled.  I told my wife they were either homeless or Ph.D. students (think yellow on the scale of education).  I think that is a good example of how my brain works.  I easily jump to casting judgement before telling myself to stop and consider all elements. So, here I am reviewing all the various judgements that have been made by me over the last few months.  I think to myself are they in the green or are they blue am I in the yellow?  This has helped me review my actions towards others.

Family life events have continued to make things a challenge.... stretching myself beyond my comfort zone.  One thing is true - my comfort zone has expanded these last few months.  For all the men out there, we tend to place so much value on our career.  It is like a thing that defines us.  For me I have come to realize I am more than a job, at least, that is what my family has told me and what my Father in Heaven is teaching me.  It is a hard lesson for me to relearn.  I have been taught from my youth that your core should be focused on God, then your family, then your career.  

I suppose when you work long enough trying to be your best at a career you begin to reprioritize things.  For me, God has always been a core part of me but has taken a back seat to many of my life pursuits.  My Heavenly Father has been patient with me on this.  From time to time I have had trials that question my spiritual strength.  It is is an eye opener when you once were so spiritually strong only to return having spent so much focus elsewhere to be weak.  It reminds me of the scripture in Mark 9:24 "And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief".  So, it is now that I return to the spiritual gym with my Heavenly Father who patiently helps me.  I am relearning that each of us is a cherished son/daughter of our Heavenly Father.  Even those in the yellow and even me.  

  

    

18 Dec 2024 (9 years, 11 months, 28 days after The Day)

 Well - the doctor visit was interesting.  He is a nice chap but all business.  He dove in and asked if I was still taking the medication.  I told him I wasn't.  I told him that he gave me so many pills and I took them.  After some discussion I began to understand that these pills are unfortunately not fast acting.  I will be on this medical journey for a few years.  So - he upped the dosage and now I get to experience the side effects again and get back on track.  I talked to him about my feet and hands.  He said "It is just swelling".  

I think I must have looked at him like he was on drugs because he said "I don't disagree that you believe it is happening" and at that point I just felt completely unheard.  He said the labs don't point to that happening.  So - I suppose I am back to scratching my head on why my head, hands, and feet are growing.  In a way I felt like people who saw a UFO and then some government official shows up and says what you saw was swamp gas reflecting off of Venus.  I feel I am a completely rational human and know how to use a ruler.  So - for now I am just keeping track of how much these are growing.

The job hunt is more of a marathon race.  I find myself hunting through job listings and finding ones that match my skills.  Then prepping my resume and cover letter to match that job.  I don't apply to many with this tactic but I do believe what I submit is good.  As the old saying goes - quality over quantity.

My old job's health benefits stopped and where Cobra was supposed to start it never did.  So - I have been paying out of pocket for things.  Health insurance costs coupled with the actual doctor bill is just nuts.  I do believe here in the USA, there is a need to address this situation.  I don't know what is right, but I do know that when I walk into a restaurant they have a menu with prices.  I don't eat at a burger joint and then get a surprise bill for 20K.  

Yesterday some carolers came by singing Christmas songs.  It was nice.  Then, at the end, they presented us with a small Christmas tree with cash on it.  I haven't really told many people in person so it is kind of a mystery to us who this is from.  We didn't recognize the carolers but in all honesty the cash is going to make Christmas for our kiddos and pay some of our medical bills.  I know it sounds silly when I say "I haven't really told many people" because I realize I am posting this on a blog that is available to all; however, I am, to many of you, a stranger.  I may be someone you just read about and see pictures of.  Maybe you know me.  I don't know.  When I look at the stats from this blog it looks like most of my viewership is outside the US so it is a bit confusing to me.  At the beginning of the blog I had a crazy following but as the years have marched on it seems there is a faithful small group that is interested in what I write.  All I know is the cash I got was completely unexpected and totally caught me off guard.  I have a hard time accepting help.  I think most people do.  For me, I just wept.  I felt completely overwhelmed with gratitude towards whomever did this.  For me it allowed me to realize how much the help I have given others over the years is appreciated and that I should do more.  As I approach this rough time of year for me - I do hope everyone out there has a wonderful Christmas holiday season.

#gratitude

11 Dec 2024 (9 years, 11 months, 21 days after The Day)

 I have been putting off this entry but it seems the longer I do the more that things weigh on my mind.  I have things to share and things that just have eaten at me.  Where to begin.  This will be both a good/bad entry as it matches life.  

Earlier this year I was really weak.  I was not able to just walk around much and my stamina on daily activities seemed to be shrinking.  I made an appointment with a doctor and they did a blood test.  That led to another blood test.  That led to an MRI which led to the diagnosis of a pituitary adenoma or a noncancerous (benign) tumor that was on my pituitary gland that was at the base of my brain.  Well - nearly instantly I became an expert by researching everything about these tumors and how they affect your body.  I had already been experiencing some of the side effects and didn't realize it.  My hands and feet along with my skull were growing.  I already feel like a lollypop but suffice it to say this tumor is now making me really have "cranius gigantis" as a comedian once said in his bit about his kids having big heads.  So - I was prescribed a medication to treat it.  It was a very small pill.  It was the size of an allergy pill.  I was to break it in half and take 1/2 the pill 2x a week.  It had some wicked side effects.  I was given about 8 pills giving me about 8 weeks on this medication.  I finished it and I now have some energy back.  My feet; however, are still growing.  I now wear a size 14.  I thought buying 13's were hard but buying 14's are a joke.  I feel bad for those that wear larger sizes.  I went to a New Balance store (yes, I know) and they had a total of 4 pairs of shoes for me to pick from.  Normal looking $200, Green and orange suede $100, bright orange/white running ones $120, and solid white $85.  So - I walked out of there with solid white shoes and I officially look like an old man.  They fit and for the first time in a long time my feet didn't hurt. For that, I was very thankful.  When my kids saw them they got a laugh and patted me on my back.  I think I am officially an old man with these shoes.  Since I was mowing lawns with Alex I needed some with some grip more than the ones I just bought so I went on eBay and purchased some black/navy blue ones that were barely used for $50 that had some traction and that is what I generally wear now.  My follow-up appointment with the doctor is next week.

We were disappointed with the neurologist Claire was seeing so we went to another one and boy am I glad we switched.  This guy is so transparent.  Through all the testing she has had in the past coupled with recent tests she was given somewhat of a diagnosis of ESES which is a rare form of epilepsy.  The good news is she will likely grow out of this but the bad news is she will struggle a bit until she does.  I work with her in the mornings to remember things by playing games with her and it is amazing to me that she can know something for a while (like weeks) then the next day it is like she never saw it.  Her memory is a challenge and I applaud Claire for being so persistent at wanting to learn.  I'm glad she thinks these silly games are fun since they are helping her learn.

Dylan has officially moved out and I am so proud of him to make these steps.  They are scary when you are doing them for the first time.  He moved only a few blocks from Alex which is good that they can be so close.  I am hoping they can hang out some.  

Madilyn decided to move back home.  I was planning my trip to be in Houston for an IT conference when I got the call that she made this decision.  I flew down early to be with her.  After the conference finished I packed her car and Madilyn and I traveled with her dog home.  It was an awesome memory.

We got a chance to stop by and see Jan's grave and see our old home.  It was really a good trip.  We made it in 2 days.  Madilyn got settled and went on the job hunt.  She just got three offers today so she is able to get things moving.  I am so happy for her.

Ammon is doing well.  He has 3 parakeets now.  He can hold them without issue and they really look at him as "dad" or something.  It is cute.  

Last Friday I was let go from my job of 18 years.  It was so incredibly tough.  I have had to execute my own reductions over time and they are not fun.  I realize the company has gotten so much smaller than it was in years past so logically I can get there but I looked at the company as family and that is where it hurts.

As I reflect on job loss I am thrust back into looking at jobs and trying to find one that has the requirements for the skills I do.  It is sad how much value I placed on the worth of myself through the eyes of this company.  It is like by their saying "we have to let you go" it is them saying "we have no use for you" or "you have no worth to us".  I interpret this as "I have no worth" which is silly.  I look at all the other people like me looking for jobs and wonder what shot I have.  Sure, I am good at what I do once I get in the door but getting there is the challenge.  And what a time of year to have this occur!  Merry Christmas!  This may be a blessing in disguise as some senior IT positions may be budgeted to be replaced in the beginning of the next year.  All I know is I have begun the process of honing my resume, writing cover letters, and applying to positions.   I don't know how long it will take for something to manifest but I pray it isn't too long.

It is interesting how God works.  Once you are the least bit comfortable he allows you to stretch and make yourself more than you are today.  Well - that is it for today.

11 Aug 2024 (9 years, 7 months, 23 days after The Day)

 So - another entry for the book.  A bunch has happened and yet a lame entry awaits your eyes.  My eldest biological daughter (Emma) is returning from Alaska this week.  I am excited to have her home.  She has been doing summer sales there and it has been an experience.  Everything is so expensive.  There are so many stories and yet, my lame entry is this paragraph - for now.  I am getting her vehicle ready to get back to her.  It has been parked while she has been away.  I am almost finished with it.

Claire is going to be starting the 4th grade soon.  That is a tough realization.  It is amazing how quickly kids grow.  Speaking of growing, my goodness is she growing.  She is as tall as a 12 year old but she is not 12.  Ammon, on the other hand, has been growing so much that he and I do see eye to eye now.  We are about an inch off.  I'm 6'2" and he is 6'1" the last I measured.  So, it is humbling to have a kid get that tall.  We got him some converse shoes for school and he opted for getting some that have dinosaurs on them.  Yes, you read that correctly.  He makes me laugh.  Like really laugh hard.

I'm juggling some work projects and so is Samantha.  I'm still mowing on the weekends and my energy has been taxed of late.  More on that later.  I have been so fortunate to have been able to spend so much time with my kiddos.  Alex and I evicted like 50 wasps from the car that was parked that Madilyn drove that Ammon will be driving soon.  We washed the cars and it was crazy getting the bugs off.  I just cannot believe how many bugs there are here in Utah.  The grasshoppers are insane.  When I mow I feel like Moses parting the grasshoppers as they jump out of the way.  There are hundreds.  It is crazy.  

I'm sure there will be more later - as a parting thought.  Always be thankful for today because you never know the news of tomorrow.

12 May 2024 (9 years, 4 months, 22 days after The Day)

 Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.  This for me is a reflection on the sacrifice my mother made in my life.  What a sacrifice it was.  My mom raised my sisters and I as a single parent.  My dad was not involved to say the least and never once to I recall my mom bad mouthing my father.  My mom allowed his actions to speak for himself.  My mom was there for everything.  We grew up in frugal circumstances.  I never knew that I was disadvantaged in any way as my mom sacrificed to ensure my sisters and I grew up in a safe neighborhood and went to good public schools.  My sisters and I were latch-key kids and didn't have the advantage of having our mom there after school but we all knew she loved us and wanted us to be our best.  We all studied hard and learned how to be independent good people in society.  I think that is what any parent would want, right?  I was thinking the other day how my mom would call me out on things as a kid.  When I was really young she would say "Robert, you don't know your own strength." Let me tell you how much I hated hearing that phrase.  As I got older I realized this is true.  There are things I can do naturally that others just can't.  For example, if you hand me an apple, I have no problem just tearing it in half with my hands.  No technique.  Just dig your fingers into the apple and tear it in half.  I always thought people could do this but then my mom's words come back into my mind.  She would also say "How would you feel if you were [fill in the learning for the day here]" For me that was the beginnings of me looking inward to how my actions may be received by others.  She probably said that phrase a thousand times.  It was so often that I realized two things.  1.) I am probably doing things that are not nice.  2.) If I took some time to think about the situation before I said something or acted, I would probably do something different.  That council was probably the biggest change to my life as it had me thinking inward to the Golden Rule of treating others as you would want someone to treat you.

So - why do I go on this back story of my life today?  I am reflected on how as parents we are put into a place of being mentors to the future generations of today.  How it is so important not to have a generation of orphans with parents.  To be involved.  To be engaged.  To teach.  To inspire.  To wonder why this world is going to crap and then we all stare mindlessly into our phones.  I am not immune to the challenges before us all.  There are times I want to chuck my phone into the depth of the sea.  I count myself as blessed to live at a pivotal time both before and during the age of technology.  Before I go on a tangent on technology, let me just say the purpose of this blog entry is to say that some of the greatest teachers were parents.  To those mothers who have put there all into the raising of their children you have my utmost respect.  Thank you to my mom, wife(s), grandmothers, sisters, and daughters who have and continue to set such a positive example and who have had such a profound impact upon my life.  Thank you.

12 February 2024 ( 9 years, 1 month and 24 days after The Day)

 I have neglected this blog.  I think it is for a myriad of reasons.  The primary one is I am having a difficult time with my past.  I have a life I lived.  I had a wife, children, a home, and all the things that would constitute normalcy yet it is a memory.  My children have grown up.  I looked at my youngest son and now he is 6'1" and doesn't resemble the tiny 6 year old that endured such horrific times.  My eldest daughter is so grown up and my middle daughter is now living in Houston and working as an EMT.  Claire is 9.  None of these little kids resemble the kids that went through everything back then so it is hard for me to reflect on this past life.

This last Christmas was ok.  It was hard for Samantha and me.  We spent some time at an Airbnb but the host was a bully.  It turned what would have been a nice Christmas moment with the family into a moment where Samantha and I were just ready to leave.  I took about 2 gb of pictures and videos of their house before and after.  That should explain how much of a bully this host was. 

We celebrated Claire's birthday before the trip and upon our return it was back to normal.  It was nice to have a break from work and get a chance to relax with the family.  I got a chance to spend some time with Madilyn before she moved.  That was very hard for me.

I still am working as a student ambassador for Purdue which means I help students and participate in various ways.  Recently I participated with students interviewing me.  I had three students assigned to me.  So far two have conducted their interviews.  I'm still waiting on the 3rd.  I enjoy helping the students.  They are just starting out in their undergraduate programs.

I'm working with some significant time-sensitive projects at work which are adding some stress to everyone there.  Like any project it is one thing at a time so today seemed to be helping everyone understand and focus on scope and prevent it from expanding.

I am also striving to help build some machine learning for the company.  I feel it has a huge benefit if I can get some data I can leverage.  That is the trick with machine learning.  It has to train leaning from past information so any solution you think up can only be viable if you have data it can learn from.  

I strive to live by the golden rule by treating others as I would like to be treated.  I strive to be extremely fair and often thinking for long periods to ensure I do indeed act in a manner that is fair.  I have one exception to this.  That is myself when thinking of the past.  When I look in the past, I feel I am the harshest task master.  I think of what I would say or do to myself if I could go back in time and talk to myself.  I wonder if I am alone in that feeling.  As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20 but for me that is no excuse.  It sounds silly.  In my mind I analyze things so much that EVERY play is evaluated so in a way the fact that something played out different than what I anticipated doesn't mean I didn't think this reality could happen.  It is for this reason I feel I am so harsh with myself.  It is like playing the odds in poker only with what will transpire in life.  I have a difficult time forgiving myself.  I suppose we all do at times.

It is something I am working on.

So - I am looking forward to the snow melting and the coming of warmer weather.  It will be well received!

Until later - 

  

   

02 December 2023 (8 years, 11 months, 13 days after The Day)

 Today I awoke to the sound of a snow blower.  It was a dreaded sound when you are all snuggly in bed.  For those not living where it snows this means there is work to be done.  I laid there in bed with my eyes still shut not wanting to arise. I eventually got up and threw on my clothes and jacket.  Put on my headphones and laced up my boots.  I threw my leaf blower on my back and got to work.  I have a commercial leaf blower that makes quick work of snow removal but there is one catch.  It has to be cold.  In the fall the snow is wet and that makes it difficult for the blower to do much other than make really good snow balls.  I was able to get a lot of the snow moved so shoveling was light.  If the snow falls but melts later in the day it is not cold enough.  If it falls and stays frozen through the day then the snow blower can move that snow all day long.  Anyway, in total it was 7K steps.  Samantha wanted to get the house cleaned so I vacuumed and mopped the kitchen, living room, and dining room floors while she was busy upstairs.  I then cleaned some of our fabric sitting chairs with one of those wet vacuum cleaner things.  Um... every time I use this thing it is both amazing and gross.  This is where we sit.  We wear regular clothing right?  yet, the color of the water is BLACK and the smell... oh my goodness... the smell!  Let's just say, it wasn't the smell of cookies.  

Afterwards, the Christmas season has everyone running errands so we were with the masses at Walmart which is not my most favorite of places but makes for some interesting people watching for sure.  It is about 8pm now and I have about 8k steps.  For me, that is a lot.  My kids are all out doing things tonight so Samantha and I are going to watch a movie and just have a calm moment once Claire is down for the night.

On a different note, I'm involved in a local IT group here in Utah and it looks like I am going to be teaching them about Machine Learning which is a big topic.  Everyone is interested in this as a subject.  Because I learned this topic at school this has made me the local expert which is very unsettling.  I mean - sure, I have taken classes on the subject matter and yes, I do understand it but probably not well enough to teach 200 people!  I suppose the comment that Stephen Covey said is true - when you teach once, you learn twice.  I'm working on how to teach it in a lab environment. 

Anyway - To all that are reading this - I hope you all have a blessed evening.  Until later - 

20 October 2023 (8 years, 10 months, 1 day after The Day)

 Well - my sincere apologies - I lost track of time and didn't realize just how long it had been since I last wrote in the blog.  So - Summary posts are always lame.  I don't feel like they give justice to all that has been going on.  I had a business trip to Houston and Arlington a while back and that was good.  I was able to work with a lot of people and get a lot done.  I came home and promptly got sick.  It is no fun being ill. I awoke a few nights after my return with a sore throat.  Boo.  

Tonight I went with my family to get pumpkins to carve on Sunday.  We picked out a lot of them.  We got over $80 worth of pumpkins for all the kiddos and friends to carve.  I never really carved pumpkins with Jan so this is a fun tradition we have now.  I found a really wide short pumpkin with a big stem.  I figured this was good for the front door.  The good thing is this pumpkin doesn't have to move any time soon.  Pumpkins are the perfect fall fruit... they are perfect for halloween as well as thanksgiving.  

I watched the Astros win game 5 on the ALCS tonight.  I love the Astros.  They are like family.  I get tickled when people have such vitriol towards them for the cheating scandal claiming their team would never cheat.  For those of you who feel I speak blasphemes against your team - for your reading pleasure.  

I am heading to bed early tonight.  This cold is just no good.  :-(

  

24 July 2023 (8 years, 7 months, 5 days after The Day)

 My mother-in-law (Jan's mom) passed away.  The flood of emotions that have followed isn't something that I thought would hit me so hard.  Jan was distant from her parents during the last few years of her life.  There were hurt feelings on both sides.  This was very unfortunate but the argument affected not only Jan but me.  It affected my relationship with her parents.  I love them dearly. Time may not heal all wounds but I believe in Christ and believe he can.  Her funeral is in a few days.  I regret not being in more contact during the last few years of her life.  Regrets seem to be a common theme at funerals.  I suppose this one is no different.  She and her husband were private people and yet I felt accepted by them.  I miss them both.  I wish I could have a conversation with both of them.  I suppose in time I will.  So - the funeral is on my mind.  I will see family I haven't seen in years.  Funerals and weddings seem to be the place for family reunions.  

Here is her obituary https://www.eckersellfuneralhome.com/obituary/jean-mcmurtrey

Until later -   

21 July 2023 (8 years, 7 months, 2 days after The Day)

 I have been in a funk the last few days.  I think that is because the rigors of school have gone and I find myself with free time but no activities.  Outside of a few car costs that have occupied my time I really just find myself thinking.  I think about everything and nothing.  I find myself staring off as I allow my mind to drift.  Jan's mom has failing health.  I talked to the kids about this so they are aware.  At times I reflect on my life with Jan and it is hard to recall.  There are so many things I have forgotten.  My kids have forgotten too.  It is very sad.  At times I close my eyes to reflect upon that time.  I imagine myself sitting on the couch and hearing what life would be like.  The clattering of the AC filter as the AC turned on/off.  The sound of the dishwasher, the sounds of small kids, the sound of some cartoon on the TV, etc.  I think about how many things I took for granted.  If Jan were sitting by me right now I wonder what I would say.  I feel like I need a reintroduction.  I find myself thinking so long and hard on things that I can be silent for hours.  Sometimes Samantha asks me a question or I strive to share some of my thoughts and just getting my thoughts together seems like a lengthy process.  Samantha wants me to just talk but I find myself opening and shutting my mouth as if words were queued up but never launched.  What has really been on my mind is my kids.  I wonder if I have been a good enough parent to help them be functioning adults.  I know they have some maturing to do but it is hard.  It is hard especially when your children make decisions that you don't agree with.  For me it makes me question what I did and if I could go back in time what would I change.

So - I find myself thinking.

Years ago, Jan made me some stationary with this statue's silhouette.  I find myself pondering things so often.  One thing I know.  I'm tired.  I feel like I hit my 40's and my body decided to fall apart.  Restless Leg Syndrome is something I am battling.  It is horrible.  I need to get a prescription.  Last night my legs kept me awake for about 2 hours.  

Well - Samantha and I are waiting on the results from Claire's EEG.  No news yet.  I'm frustrated with our Neurologist.  The guy just seems to treat neurological disorders as commonplace.  Hope to hear something soon.

Until later - 

10 July 2023 (8 years, 6 months, 21 days after The Day)

 I've been a bit distant mentally over the last few days.  You know when you just think on things and then realize it has been a while since you have talked to people?  Well - if you haven't had that experience, that is what happens when I get in a zone of thinking.  I'm sure I did a lot of that when Jan died.  So - there is a lot of the same stuff.  All the kids are working a lot (with obvious exception to the youngest two) but the others are constantly working and gone.

My car is in the shop for a catalytic converter.  They had to order one.  It is there at the shop waiting on the part to arrive.  This makes for some juggling of vehicles.

I'm mentally spent.  Until later - 

 

05 July 2023 (8 years, 6 months, 16 days after The Day)

 So today someone ran into Madilyn's vehicle and tore off the bumper.  Luckily we got the offending parties insurance info but suffice it to say it was a bit frustrating.  This was Madilyn's first day working in a clinic.  She absolutely loved it.  I have to think there is a bit of her Grandma (my mom) and Grandpa (Jan's dad) in there because they both loved medicine and worked in it as a profession.  When Madilyn started describing some of the injuries people were dealing with I was like - OK, I'm done listening.  

Yesterday we had a good 4th.  It was a nice break from work and I was able to serve some BBQ to family here.  About 35 ate and the ribs were gone first, then brisket, then pulled pork, then chicken.  We left with only a bit of pulled pork and chicken that wasn't eaten.  That always makes me feel good when a crowd eats and is filled and happy.  I did have someone years ago ask for a fork.  I was and still am confused by this.  It is like they have never eaten BBQ.  My brisket doesn't require a fork.

I'm helping Emma work out some calculation of hours worked.  She has a pay discrepancy that appears on the surface that will require a sit-down discussion with someone.

I just rode 11 miles prior to writing this entry.  It was good to get outside and have a moment on my bike.  I got an email today that the city will be having motorcycle police on the trails to enforce bicycle laws.  I am so happy for this.  I realize it is an irritant to stop your bicycle when you cross a road but personally I fear killing bicyclists as they blow through intersections in packs.  I cannot stop my car on a dime!

Oh - and here is another picture of Monroe.  She is so cute!

25 June 2023 (8 years, 6 months, 6 days after The Day)

 Today was action packed.  It started off with church and me teaching a lesson in the men's group (Elder's Quorum).  I then returned home and took a nap.  Samantha planned a picnic at one of the waterfalls near us.  We took all the kids that were local and loaded up the van.  It was such a fun outing.  We returned tired.  Claire fell asleep in the car. 

A few days ago I got a chance to visit with Jan's brother and his wife who were in town.  It was so good visiting with them.  I do wish we were closer.  When I married Jan, he became a brother to me and has been all these years.  I'm so glad we still have a good relationship.  One of the hard things is being separated by distance.  He was cleaning out a storage unit and he gave me a few things of my late father-in-law to pass on to my children.  I am so thankful for that.  It is a part of my life that is akin to an old room that was closed and untouched.  At times there are things that trigger a memory and it is like walking into that room all these years later.  

Samantha and I are juggling car issues.  I have to take my car into the shop tomorrow.  It seems the new/old Honda is just starting to show its age.  I am hopeful the repair isn't too expensive.  It wasn't that long ago (in my mind) that a check engine light was generally the notice that your car engine just died.  Today the light gives you ample warning that something is awry.  So - fingers crossed that it isn't anything too bad.

I'm off to bed.  More later - 

21 June 2023 (8 years, 6 months, 2 days after The Day)

 Well - the last few days have been generally normal.  I got the hospital to "reprocess" the bill to insurance.  Who knows if insurance and the hospital can work out the details.  It is so frustrating. 

Last weekend I picked up some roundup that had an electric sprayer attached to the bottle.  The electric sprayer was broken.  I ended up dumping the bottle into a pump sprayer I had (which also was broken but good enough for one last run).  I sprayed all the weeds.  I came in the house and was sneezing.  I think the ragweed is crazy where I am so I am just constantly sneezing.  

Claire is like me in the mornings in that she wakes up early.  Her normal routine is she wakes up early and then comes into the master closet (where I work) and wants me to entertain her.  This has been problematic if I have meetings in the morning.  She is happy and silly in the mornings so while it is disruptive it is also funny.

I found a funny image today that represents the struggle I had in school.

The question is faulty and thus leaves the student trying to discern how to answer the question.  

I have really enjoyed having a break from school.  I never realized how valuable my time is until after my schooling.

I was thinking about Jan today.  I think about her often but it amazes me how much time has passed.  It seems as if we are strangers now which is an odd feeling.  I honestly don't know how I feel these days.  It seems as if I had a different life back then.  

Until later - 

18 June 2023 (8 years, 5 months, 30 days after The Day)

 Today was Father's Day.  It was a good day.  The last couple of days has been very stress filled.  

I didn't write much just because of the things I have been juggling.  The stress started off with Madilyn feeling like she was having a heart attack at work.  Her boss took her to the closest hospital and I met her there.  After all the diagnostics were done it was determined that she had some injury to her ribs that was causing inflammation that was causing severe pain in her chest.  They gave her an anti-inflammatory and it was helpful.  She has been taking ibuprofen since and that has helped.  My health insurance isn't always accepted and so I looked and felt like a cheap person haggling with the reception about if I should take Madilyn to a hospital that took our insurance.  I was told they would accept it.  So - $540 later I am wondering what the bill will actually look like.  We faced a similar situation earlier in the year where our insurance wasn't accepted but we didn't have a choice at the time as there were no in-network hospitals close and we ended up getting a $13K bill which we are still working out between insurance and the hospital.  The process moves so slow that the billing department is threatening to send the bill to collections but it is all about the insurance talking with the hospital which apparently they both won't do independently of me making a 3-way call work.  It is so very frustrating.  Then on a separate instance Claire's neurologist is having resistance to us using an in-network hospital for a test they requested for her Epilepsy.  This resistance has led to her medication running out and now I am at the pharmacist in the morning (again) asking for an immediate refill since she is out.  So - tomorrow morning is starting with me at the pharmacist waiting for them (in person) to get a refill from the doctor so Claire doesn't have any seizures.  Yay.

So - that kinda summarizes the last few days.  Yesterday I spent the morning getting the yard cleaned up.  Ammon and I worked outside and then he went inside to help Samantha.  I spent the entire time with a trimmer getting all the weeds.  Ammon went with his friends to Strawberry Days and had a good time.  I cleaned up and slept.  Afterwards we were having issues with our TV and after a while I diagnosed the Roku as being faulty.  The TV has had speaker issues and the Roku was faulty - so I talked it over with Samantha and we ended up getting a new TV.  The last TV that either of us purchased was well over 10 years ago.  Things are so different with technology on TVs.  I had to sign my life away on contracts just to turn the darn thing on.  This has to be the #1 contract nobody reads.  

Anyway - Samantha and I went for a drive and had dinner at one of the canyon parks.  There was a sizable water runoff which made the experience wild.  The water runoff caused an avalanche (as seen below) that broke trees, signs, and covered the pathway.  The white specks on the right of the people in the image is snow.  That big mound is snow and debris.  Yes - it is the middle of June and not at all cold.

Today after going to church we visited with Samantha's parents and then went home.  I slept.  Samantha made dinner and almost all the kids were here.  It was so good to visit with each of them.  We then did Karaoke night and I laughed until I cried.  

Well - that is a summary of all the things.  I'm so looking forward to haggling with insurance and hospitals tomorrow.  NOT!

 

14 June 2023 (8 years, 5 months, 26 days after The Day)

 Work seems to be transforming for me.  Or, perhaps, maybe I am just looking at it differently.  Today I spent time setting up things for a repeating internship.  Madilyn has decided to work towards a EMT.  I think it fits her personality.  Claire, Samantha, and I took a drive this evening and Claire talked THE WHOLE TIME.  Seriously.  She has a shirt that my mom got her that says "Never Not Talking" and it is SOOO true.  

Anyway - short entry today - until later -