I have been in a funk the last few days. I think that is because the rigors of school have gone and I find myself with free time but no activities. Outside of a few car costs that have occupied my time I really just find myself thinking. I think about everything and nothing. I find myself staring off as I allow my mind to drift. Jan's mom has failing health. I talked to the kids about this so they are aware. At times I reflect on my life with Jan and it is hard to recall. There are so many things I have forgotten. My kids have forgotten too. It is very sad. At times I close my eyes to reflect upon that time. I imagine myself sitting on the couch and hearing what life would be like. The clattering of the AC filter as the AC turned on/off. The sound of the dishwasher, the sounds of small kids, the sound of some cartoon on the TV, etc. I think about how many things I took for granted. If Jan were sitting by me right now I wonder what I would say. I feel like I need a reintroduction. I find myself thinking so long and hard on things that I can be silent for hours. Sometimes Samantha asks me a question or I strive to share some of my thoughts and just getting my thoughts together seems like a lengthy process. Samantha wants me to just talk but I find myself opening and shutting my mouth as if words were queued up but never launched. What has really been on my mind is my kids. I wonder if I have been a good enough parent to help them be functioning adults. I know they have some maturing to do but it is hard. It is hard especially when your children make decisions that you don't agree with. For me it makes me question what I did and if I could go back in time what would I change.
So - I find myself thinking.
