21 January 2020 (5 years, 1 month, 2 days after The Day)

Can I ask a question?  If a plane experienced pressure loss and you were traveling with your child (assume they are infant/toddler age) and the masks dropped... would you put a mask on yourself first?   I had a discussion with someone regarding life challenges and this analogy was used by them saying "you know what they say in the safety briefing before a flight - put your mask on first and then assist your children".  I just think this sounds textbook - meaning - it sounds logical but not coming from someone who has lived through it?  How many of us would immediately assist our child without thinking of ourselves?  I look at parents and see them helping their kids first.  This is what we do.  It is difficult to somehow do something that is counter intuitive.

When Jan died I was exposed to a widow/widower group online.  They would use the phrase of "new normal" to describe life after the passing of their spouse.  I'm sure for many the loss of a loved one is traumatic.  It forcibly changes someone like a rock that is smashed into smaller parts.  I was told that "Time heals all wounds".  I personally don't believe this.  I believe love heals all wounds.  I read of near-death experiences of how individuals who were technically dead for a period of time and later revived told stories of feeling genuine love and not wanting to leave.  Each of these stories came from individuals who were of different faiths.  They were explained away by scientists due to oxygen deprivation to the brain and hallucinations that could have been caused by that state.  I find it interesting that regardless of a person's faith or belief system many reported seeing their loved ones during that time in different locations ... they could explain what was happening or what was being said.  These are things that for me bring doubt to the experts doubt in an afterlife.  I am encouraged that the first thing we get to experience after death is love.  Love that heals, encourages, and brings happiness.  Who doesn't want this?  Perhaps that is why some of those near-death experiences the person shared that they had the opportunity to stay or "go back" and it was a tough decision for them.  Who knows if we all get a choice or if it is just "our time to go".  I just think God must love us a lot for the very first thing we experience after death is a feeling of unconditional love.

31 December 2019 (5 years, 12 days after The Day)

So, a few things have occurred since my last post.  Samantha and Claire both got the flu.  I knew this was inevitable but it still is tough.  With Claire having medical challenges with high fevers we are watching her closely.  The doctors say this is only for the next year or so and she will outgrow it.  That being said with a little one being sick it just is tough on everyone.  Claire is in good spirits though so that is good.  I feel bad for Samantha since 99% of all questions from the kids go to her.  I try to jump in the middle but often times I feel I am ill equipped to answer the question at hand.  Sad. Yes... sad but true.  Since getting over the flu myself it is comforting to know it will only last about a week but that was one long week for me.

Here is a pic of Claire snuggling with me while we watched a show last night.

After feeling a bit better myself after getting over the flu I embarked on a new challenge.  Making sausage.  Yes, this is something that I knew nothing about but Samantha got me a book for Christmas and I took to learn all there was on the subject.  So, after a few solid days of learning I embarked on the task and I learned some things.

1. Following recipes can make the end result really good thus making you appear like you know what you are doing. 
2. Making sausage is very messy.  I mean like meat on the floor, cabinets, smeared on the countertops, etc.  The process turned our kitchen into a slaughterhouse and it was nasty.  
3. I had to purchase some bourbon for this recipe and since I am not a drinker I know nothing about it.  This made for a comical experience in the liquor store as I didn't know what I was looking for.  I still don't know if what I got is junk or not but the end result was good so I guess it was ok.
4. Casings stink.  Seriously.  

So- AFTER the mess of this process - this is the outcome:

I threw them on the smoker yesterday and here is the final product:

They are really good.  I was shocked at how good they taste.  They definitely do not taste like ANY sausage I have ever come across in UT.  So, I will count this as a win and will probably make more after the impact of the cleaning process wears off.

I also smoked some ribs for some people in the neighborhood and played Santa delivering ribs.  It was fun.  I also smoked a turkey and at 12:30 in the morning it was finally done.  I think it is only a matter of time before I end up building a kitchen outside.  Cooking BBQ is messy but I am such a sucker for the taste.  I love it.

I have been on vacation and this week it ends after the new year.  I have enjoyed this vacation even though I spent it with lots of Tylenol as I battled the flu.  It was so good to visit with everyone and not be in the office.

Until later -   

26 December 2019 (5 years, 6 days after The Day)

I am just shocked at how good this Christmas is going.  It really is going well.  There has not been a lot of bad memories and pain.  I feel like Samantha and I are starting to blend our families and it is really good to have her family feel as my own.  

I feel like I am finally over the worst with the flu.  Outside of a bad headache and bad head cold I think I am on the mend.  My family and I got a wooden liberty puzzle for Christmas.  We get serious about puzzles and we did it in one day.  If you have never solved one and you are into puzzles, I highly recommend getting one.  They are not very cheap since they are wood but they are fun to put together.

This is the one we just finished:

If you look underneath it it looks like this

Anyway - get a puzzle and have some fun.  

Samantha and I took a minute to clean up the house.  After getting the boxes broken down from all the gift giving I have taken them to a box recycler and have a bit less clutter in the house.  

It has been snowing for the past few days but luckily it is not sticking on the roads so driving around is much easier. 

I am going to fire up the smoker and get some BBQ for the new year.  I got a book on making sausage for Christmas and I am very excited to give it a shot.  The primary reason I am excited is there is not much sausage selection here in UT.  It is a sad reality.

Well - I'm off to put Claire to bed.  Until later - 

25 December 2019 (5 years, 5 days after The Day)

So today I awoke at 3:30 am feeling awake and horrible.  I picked up my phone and thumbed through email, news, social media, games, etc.  After exhausting that form of entertainment I put my phone down, closed my eyes again, and drifted back to sleep for a few more hours.  I awoke with Samantha telling me to get up that the kids were anxious to get downstairs.  I got myself out of bed, cleaned up, and headed out to see all the kiddos waiting by the stairs.  We all went down and they tore into their stockings.  I love seeing them smile.  We then opened presents and had a good time.  I was feeling like death warmed over so I excused myself to go back to sleep afterwards.  It seemed like only a few minutes after I closed my eyes that Claire came into the room asking if I was hungry for breakfast.  I went into the kitchen to find that everyone had eaten except for Samantha and me.  She cooked french toast, sausage, bacon, and eggs.  It was definitely not healthy but man was it good.  After breakfast, I cleaned up the kitchen and then went back to bed.  Samantha woke me to ask if I was up to going to a family movie.  I got up and went to the movie.  Jumanji: The Next Level.  It was a cute movie.  I started to feel better after the movie.  We then came back home and I crashed again.  Samantha came to tell me it was time to leave for dinner with her parents.  I got myself together again and went to dinner.  This day has been nothing but sleeping and eating.  Perhaps I needed that because after we arrived back home this evening I realized that I am beginning to feel better.  I guess I just needed some sleep.  All in all - I think the kids had a good Christmas.  Samantha took time last night to decorate the tree with ornaments Jan and I had which brought out some memories for the kids.  Ammon noticed this.  I don't know if any of the other kids did.  This Christmas was the first Christmas since Jan died that I actually really enjoyed it and was not pulled down by the memories of Jan's passing.  We all miss Jan.  We miss her terribly; however, I know she is happy to see the kids smiling again.  To see me smiling again.  I realize that life gives us experiences that can help us become a better person.  I am thankful fo my kids.  All of them.  I am thankful for both Jan and Samantha.  Both have helped me be a better me.  Merry Christmas everyone.

24 December 2019 (5 years, 4 days after The Day)

Well - Merry Christmas to all.  We are in the midst of getting Christmas setup.  Ammon and I are battling the flu so this makes for a lot of alone time for us both.  Even though it has been a rough time I noticed that this Christmas was much better than past Christmas experiences since Jan died.  I think this is because I am seeing the time and effort put in by Samantha to make it all work.  Our tree is sparse but it is good.  Silly to say but even though it is a rough Christmas it will be good.  Wish this flu would go away though.

20 December 2019 (5 years after The Day)

Today was like a normal day.  I went to work.  I juggled challenges at the house.  I did just normal things.  Claire was quick to remind me today that she was now five.  I love that little girl.  While I am always filled with happiness when I think of her it is days like today that have me sad.  It seems like ages ago that Jan died yet I can recall much of that day with excruciating detail.  I suppose that is the way it will always be.  A happy and sad day.  It doesn't help that I am fighting a head cold so I am just ready for bed.  I wrote a note to Jan on Facebook and wished her a happy birthday.  Tomorrow we will celebrate Claire's birthday since today's activities after work interfered with everyone being able to join together.  Until tomorrow -

03 November 2019 (4 years, 10 months, and 15 days after The Day)

Samantha has been listening to a few different widow podcasts.  I have found I absolutely relate to them.  When your spouse dies you do not "recover" but rather make this change a new normal.  I have gone back and forth between writing in this blog and not.  I think my distance from it has helped me to figure out more of me.  The challenge in this is I feel distant from my past life.  It is, in a way, a dream.  I know I have probably mentioned this in the past but Jan and I were married for 15 years before she passed.  I don't know how that time can feel as a dream but it does to me.  I feel that is the struggle I have.  I want to move forward so much so I don't have to feel any pain yet there is a cost to progression.  At least, for me there is.

Blending families brings challenges and Samantha and I parent our own kids.  I have heard other blended families doing the same thing.  I get frustrated sometimes because I don't know the best thing to do at times and my kids know this.  Samantha keeps her distance because it makes the situation complicated and it is times like this that I wish I could just get Jan to chime in and voice her opinion on a given situation.

My second oldest stepson and my oldest daughter are applying to universities.  They are both in their senior year and classes are winding down.  It is a big deal and is making them stretch in their preparations.  Not only are they striving to do their best on ACT tests and the applications they are submitting but they are also striving to get scholarships to help offset the cost.  I know they feel a tremendous burden to do their best and this last week I felt I was able to give them some pointers on ways of communicating in writing.  I don't know if I do this perfect on this blog, but writing for me has been healing.  So - with some pointers applied they clicked the submit button and now the waiting game begins.  Both have been accepted at a handful of schools already but they are both waiting for answers from their first picks.  It is hard for me to believe that Emma who was 13 at the time Jan passed is going to college next year.  Time really is a respecter of nobody.

I have written and removed entire sections to this posting.  Many have updates on me personally and I don't know how much that matters in this blog.  Perhaps I will just jot down a few things and not drone on about it.  I went to a local thrift store this week and picked up some filing cabinets for my office.  I am excited to get my office a bit more organized.  While I am not a paper person I do end up dealing with it and until now didn't have a place for it.  Samantha has helped me to be less cluttered in my work environment and these cabinets will help a ton.  I have also been considering additional formal school.  I have considered this for a long time now but it has been on my mind recently.  I lucked out and was able to get a mentor to help me in my field of work.  I went to a technology conference hosted locally here in SLC and walked away with a potential mentor.  After a meeting online discussing challenges and opportunities to improve I was able to get some real guidance on how to do things better.  I feel humbled that this person is giving me the time of day.

So - that is it for now, my friends.  I wish you all a very happy evening.