29 Sept 2015 (283 days after The Day)

It seems crazy that September is almost over.  Time is moving on and my kids are excited (and a bit nervous) about the upcoming change.  For me the change will bring a bit of comfort and normalcy; however, I have told Samantha and myself that while it will be comforting to be married again - I will not expect Samantha to be Jan nor will I want to be Samantha's late husband.  We are each our own selves and with that I have peace that we can comfort each other through the rest of our lives.  She is such a good woman and mother.  I feel blessed to join our families together.

28 Sept 2015 (282 days after The Day)

Well - Monday has come and the weekend has ended.  282 days ago every day was a Monday.  Every day was draining.  Today brings a new day... a new decision.  My morning was filled catching up on projects, establishing new directives for my staff, and helping move forward some challenges that seem never-ending.  I had a moment to speak with my supervisor and that is always positive.  Life is funny... we spend a lot of time at work ... but strive to focus on the family.  So, I have decided to ask myself a simple question.. if my family is really important... what have I done today to strengthen it?  When Samantha and I get married we will have 7 kids.  7 kids will want to spend one-on-one time with me and Samantha.... to build the family bonds.  On Sundays I used to meet with my kids for about 30 min each... I will start doing that again.  I called them "mentor meetings".  They were a safe and private meetings where we had real discussions about life and struggles.  This included things that were good and bad.  I think I will need to to ensure I have time with every child.  I also need to make time to spend with Samantha.  One of the lessons I learned about Jan and my marriage was that we stopped being husband and wife and started being mom and dad.  That was extremely taxing on our marriage.  I realize now that while we felt like we were doing what was right for the kids... it really was a disservice to everyone.

27 Sept 2015 (281 days after The Day)

Well - Sunday was a good day.  I was able to spend it with my kids, my mom, and Samantha.  While in one of our church meetings I introduced Samantha as a visitor and as my fiance.  People clapped and cheered.  I was a little taken off-guard by that.  Sometimes I just forget that many people just remember the horrific story... so having a positive one to add to my life story is worthy of cheers. 

At night my kids had some homework to do and I have struggled with how to help Madilyn.  Samantha worked with her and that helped a ton.  With experiences like this I am glad that Samantha can see the real me... the person who struggles as a parent to be all for their kids... a person who just is trying to do their best.  We had a long discussion on the schooling in our home and the challenges that exist for my kids.... what the future holds and how we can best prepare for it.  That discussion was very draining.  I think it was draining because I am trying to further schooling my kids like Jan did and I am realizing that I cannot do it alone.  I just am failing.  That is a hard lesson for me.  Change is coming and I am trying to ease the burden that change has on my kids.  In a way I feel like Jan is slipping away again.  It just pains me.

26 Sept 2015 (280 days after The Day)

So - Ammon and Madilyn are in a primary program tomorrow.  We dropped them off at church and ran some errands with Emma.  After we picked them up Samantha and Emma went to lunch and Madilyn and Ammon both played with their friends.  Claire was really needy so I spent a long portion of time just holding her.  Claire and Samantha are both warming up to each other and Samantha can now hold her without Claire crying.  The "stranger danger" has passed a little.  I just look on this and think that Jan has had a direct influence on how this is all turning out.  It is a little amazing to me.

25 Sept 2015 (279 days after The Day)

Well - Friday has come.  It is a welcome break from the day-to-day.  Samantha's schedule this weekend is lightened which will give us an opportunity to visit some.  I'm looking forward to that.  I also had a wonderful moment where my eyeglasses almost snapped in half.  I made a run to the optometrist and was able to get a new pair on order.  In the meantime I am attempting to be extra vigilant that I don't further damage them to the point where I cannot wear them.

I watched the move Real Steel tonight with Samantha and my kids.  It was a cute show.  We all piled on the couch.  And... while Samantha's kids weren't able to come over tonight it was still nice to spend time together.

24 Sept 2015 (278 days after The Day)

Today Ammon said something that was hard to hear yet sweet..  We were all crowded around the computer doing FaceTime with Samantha and her family.  Ammon asked Samantha "Can I start calling you mom?  While I am comforted that Samantha is filling this role and I know Jan is happy that the void of "mom" is being filled... I still find myself being put back to the time when Jan was at the funeral home... just looking at her body dressed and ready for the casket.  I remember telling her... "This is not how it was supposed to be!"... Yet... with that raw memory... I am comforted that Samantha has come into our lives and opened her heart and loved me and my kids.  She has treated my kids as her own and I cannot adequately share how much that means to me.  Indeed blessings do come from tragedy.  I have learned how two broken people who have figured out how to move forward can help support each other.  I have learned the power of love heals even the most horrific events.  I am indeed grateful for Samantha.  I look forward to when we are married.  I look forward to being a dad to her kids who had theirs taken from them.

23 Sept 2015 (277 days after The Day)

It is weird for me to think that Claire is 9 months old.  Time really is no respecter of persons.  Work proved to be helpful in it was so busy.  New projects help to move time along.  Claire makes me laugh when I see her.  She really is a daddy's girl.  I love the fact that she can be in a very bad mood or very tired but when she sees me she wants me to hold her and she smiles.  That brings a lot of comfort.  She also enjoys her baths.  She just loves to splash.  My mom sent me this video below of Claire just playing.  She is such a sweet little girl.