Samantha has been listening to a few different widow podcasts. I have found I absolutely relate to them. When your spouse dies you do not "recover" but rather make this change a new normal. I have gone back and forth between writing in this blog and not. I think my distance from it has helped me to figure out more of me. The challenge in this is I feel distant from my past life. It is, in a way, a dream. I know I have probably mentioned this in the past but Jan and I were married for 15 years before she passed. I don't know how that time can feel as a dream but it does to me. I feel that is the struggle I have. I want to move forward so much so I don't have to feel any pain yet there is a cost to progression. At least, for me there is.
Blending families brings challenges and Samantha and I parent our own kids. I have heard other blended families doing the same thing. I get frustrated sometimes because I don't know the best thing to do at times and my kids know this. Samantha keeps her distance because it makes the situation complicated and it is times like this that I wish I could just get Jan to chime in and voice her opinion on a given situation.
My second oldest stepson and my oldest daughter are applying to universities. They are both in their senior year and classes are winding down. It is a big deal and is making them stretch in their preparations. Not only are they striving to do their best on ACT tests and the applications they are submitting but they are also striving to get scholarships to help offset the cost. I know they feel a tremendous burden to do their best and this last week I felt I was able to give them some pointers on ways of communicating in writing. I don't know if I do this perfect on this blog, but writing for me has been healing. So - with some pointers applied they clicked the submit button and now the waiting game begins. Both have been accepted at a handful of schools already but they are both waiting for answers from their first picks. It is hard for me to believe that Emma who was 13 at the time Jan passed is going to college next year. Time really is a respecter of nobody.
I have written and removed entire sections to this posting. Many have updates on me personally and I don't know how much that matters in this blog. Perhaps I will just jot down a few things and not drone on about it. I went to a local thrift store this week and picked up some filing cabinets for my office. I am excited to get my office a bit more organized. While I am not a paper person I do end up dealing with it and until now didn't have a place for it. Samantha has helped me to be less cluttered in my work environment and these cabinets will help a ton. I have also been considering additional formal school. I have considered this for a long time now but it has been on my mind recently. I lucked out and was able to get a mentor to help me in my field of work. I went to a technology conference hosted locally here in SLC and walked away with a potential mentor. After a meeting online discussing challenges and opportunities to improve I was able to get some real guidance on how to do things better. I feel humbled that this person is giving me the time of day.
So - that is it for now, my friends. I wish you all a very happy evening.
Sunday, November 3, 2019
Sunday, August 11, 2019
11 Aug 2019 (4 years, 7 months, and 23 days after The Day)
This weekend I took Claire, Ammon, Madilyn, and Emma and we drove North to Idaho Falls, ID to visit Jan's mom and celebrate her 90th birthday. It was a quick trip up on Friday and then back on Saturday. It was good to see her. We don't get to visit much since she lives in Idaho but it was good to have a quick visit. We stayed overnight in a hotel that had a pool and the kiddos and I went swimming Saturday morning. After we saw Jan's mom we headed back home. We stopped in Pocatello ID at a Jack in the Box and picked up some tacos. Perhaps it is the memories of college but both Samantha and I like their tacos. They don't have a Jack in the box in northern UT so I just walked in and said I wanted 20 tacos. I exited a few minutes later with two bags of tacos determined to get them home without eating them. Emma needed some driving experience on the highway so I said a prayer and let her drive the entire way home. I was impressed. She has come a long way.
Today was somewhat quiet. We went to church, I took a nap when I got home, we ate dinner as a family, and I wrote a letter to Dylan who is serving as a missionary in Florida. It was all fairly low key. This evening I looked out my window to see our neighbors just spending time outside. We have a lot of neighbors that spend a fair amount of time outside. The summers here in UT are much cooler in the evening than it is in TX.
Speaking of TX... I am preparing for a BBQ at the end of the month. It should be good. I tried my first attempt at making burnt ends and man were they good. I saw a recipe for Texas Twinkies which is a standard jalapeños wrapped in bacon and stuffed with cream cheese wrapped in bacon but with a BBQ twist... they also have brisket stuffed inside. I'll give it a shot.
On some sad news - we had to relocate our dog, Maggie. She was a ball of furry hair and while my attempts at keeping the hair under control it didn't help much that she was peeing every time we caught her some place that she shouldn't be. Our neighbors down the road took her and I feel like their fenced yard is much more conducive to a dog than our new home that doesn't have a fence. It has been a very rough time for me to acclimate to her being gone. I miss her still. I do get to see her on occasion and that is good.
Until later -
Today was somewhat quiet. We went to church, I took a nap when I got home, we ate dinner as a family, and I wrote a letter to Dylan who is serving as a missionary in Florida. It was all fairly low key. This evening I looked out my window to see our neighbors just spending time outside. We have a lot of neighbors that spend a fair amount of time outside. The summers here in UT are much cooler in the evening than it is in TX.
Speaking of TX... I am preparing for a BBQ at the end of the month. It should be good. I tried my first attempt at making burnt ends and man were they good. I saw a recipe for Texas Twinkies which is a standard jalapeños wrapped in bacon and stuffed with cream cheese wrapped in bacon but with a BBQ twist... they also have brisket stuffed inside. I'll give it a shot.
On some sad news - we had to relocate our dog, Maggie. She was a ball of furry hair and while my attempts at keeping the hair under control it didn't help much that she was peeing every time we caught her some place that she shouldn't be. Our neighbors down the road took her and I feel like their fenced yard is much more conducive to a dog than our new home that doesn't have a fence. It has been a very rough time for me to acclimate to her being gone. I miss her still. I do get to see her on occasion and that is good.
Until later -
Monday, July 29, 2019
29 Jul 2019 (4 years, 7 months, 10 days after The Day)
Today was the beginning of another trouble-shooting day as this year-long project comes to an end. This project has entered the post go-live support and so far is behaving like other projects. (i.e. There are lots of odd things that disrupt business all coming from different angles.) We are getting things addressed but it is busy.
Last night I played charades with the kids. It was seriously fun. I laughed to tears during so many parts. The kids got me up there and I did my best to get them to guess what one had suggested. It had everyone laughing. From Ferris Bueller's Day Off to Rocky - I had lots of attempts at getting people to guess. I love my family.
Last night Samantha and I sat on the porch and talked. It was good to connect again. This new house is in a neighborhood filled with kids riding bikes and yelling up and down the street. While I am excited to have neighbor's kids who can play with my kids I miss the serene feeling we had in our backyard of our old home. I now feel like I'm turning into the crotchety old man screaming "GET OFF MY LAWN!" With my IT resources I have contemplated using this to ward off screaming children outside my home. Motion sensor sprinklers are oh so tempting.
My sister called me over the weekend with an issue with a new trimmer she is using on her lawn. She was having difficulty loading twine. I talked her through it but I was so besides myself with the way the new Echo trimmers load string. I've had my trimmer since 1992 and that trimmer just works. I can load a huge amount of twine but apparently on these new ones you cannot. It is really really odd.
Until later -
Last night I played charades with the kids. It was seriously fun. I laughed to tears during so many parts. The kids got me up there and I did my best to get them to guess what one had suggested. It had everyone laughing. From Ferris Bueller's Day Off to Rocky - I had lots of attempts at getting people to guess. I love my family.
Last night Samantha and I sat on the porch and talked. It was good to connect again. This new house is in a neighborhood filled with kids riding bikes and yelling up and down the street. While I am excited to have neighbor's kids who can play with my kids I miss the serene feeling we had in our backyard of our old home. I now feel like I'm turning into the crotchety old man screaming "GET OFF MY LAWN!" With my IT resources I have contemplated using this to ward off screaming children outside my home. Motion sensor sprinklers are oh so tempting.
My sister called me over the weekend with an issue with a new trimmer she is using on her lawn. She was having difficulty loading twine. I talked her through it but I was so besides myself with the way the new Echo trimmers load string. I've had my trimmer since 1992 and that trimmer just works. I can load a huge amount of twine but apparently on these new ones you cannot. It is really really odd.
Until later -
Saturday, July 27, 2019
27 Jul 2019 (4 years, 7 months, 8 days after The Day)
Today I my team at work is completing a year-long project. It is good to see it come to an end. My family and I decided to move to a different home. It has been a long time coming but we finally got into a home that works for us. Blending a family has its challenges but sleeping arrangements complicate what would be simple otherwise. So - in summary this last 12 months has been very very busy both at work and at home. Is it just me but after I go through a massive change I just feel absolutely mentally exhausted. I have felt at the edge of tears as I have juggled these various things and I am sure Samantha has as well.
We have a dog now - this dog likes to get dirty in the mud. She really enjoys it. She also eats everything. Since we moved into this new home we don't have a fence yet and have had to resort to a very long wire mounted to a stake in the yard to keep her tethered and not wandering off. She has lots of room to move and unfortunately I cannot prevent her from jumping into mud puddles. I had to bathe her yesterday and I swear I got about a few pounds of dirt off of her. And... Why it the heck to wet dogs stink so bad? Man... I had to just tell everyone ahead of time that she was just given a bath.
I also saved up and purchased a no-name robot vacuum to help with the dog hair. Holy cow this dog sheds. We have to vacuum multiple times a day. We purchased this thing to help out. The first time it ran it ran for an hour and plugged the bag. So - there we have it. Too bad dog fur doesn't have much of a use other than making people's allergies go nuts.
I am tired. I feel like every entry of this blog could have started with that as the first line.
Until later -
We have a dog now - this dog likes to get dirty in the mud. She really enjoys it. She also eats everything. Since we moved into this new home we don't have a fence yet and have had to resort to a very long wire mounted to a stake in the yard to keep her tethered and not wandering off. She has lots of room to move and unfortunately I cannot prevent her from jumping into mud puddles. I had to bathe her yesterday and I swear I got about a few pounds of dirt off of her. And... Why it the heck to wet dogs stink so bad? Man... I had to just tell everyone ahead of time that she was just given a bath.
I also saved up and purchased a no-name robot vacuum to help with the dog hair. Holy cow this dog sheds. We have to vacuum multiple times a day. We purchased this thing to help out. The first time it ran it ran for an hour and plugged the bag. So - there we have it. Too bad dog fur doesn't have much of a use other than making people's allergies go nuts.
I am tired. I feel like every entry of this blog could have started with that as the first line.
Until later -
Monday, July 15, 2019
15 Jul 2019 (4 years, 6 months, 26 days after The Day)
So - today was a lot of juggling at work with a rather big project. My team and I were able to make some headway in a project that seems to be never-ending. After work ended I found myself sifting through cabinets in the kitchen determining what pans we don't use. It is one of those "spring cleaning" moments I suppose. I found it interesting that pans or utensils in the kitchen could bring back memories. Jan and I got some salad serving stuff I think by accident for our wedding and it is the kind of stuff you never really use because it is too nice. Anyway I found myself just looking at these silly serving spoons.
After dinner I decided to pack my chainsaw in the pickup I borrowed from my father-in-law and head over to one of their friends homes to take down 4 fruit trees. After felling and limbing the first dry apricot tree I turned off the saw to adjust the tension on the chain and guess what?? I couldn't get the darn thing started again. It is a bit frustrating because it is a newer saw and I have not even put a full gallon of gas through it. I will take it back to the store tomorrow to get insights on what I need to do. Madilyn and Ammon helped take all the wood I cut back to the truck. We drove back to the house and unloaded the wood and called it a day.
I find that outdoor activities like mowing grass, cutting wood, working on vehicles, etc. seem to help me detox a bit from the monotony of the daily routine. Here by the Rocky Mountains I find it is just peaceful to sit outside and look at the mountains. Growing up in Houston never afforded anyone there to have any mountainous view; however, it was thunderstorms that brought me peace. I think I have heard thunder maybe 3 times in the few years I have moved away from Texas. Weird eh?
Tonight is a quiet(ish) night with two of the teens working and Madilyn at a friends home. We tried to FaceTime Grandma and caught her in the store. It has been some time since we talked with her. She will call when she gets back home. Tonight's entry is a little dry -
After dinner I decided to pack my chainsaw in the pickup I borrowed from my father-in-law and head over to one of their friends homes to take down 4 fruit trees. After felling and limbing the first dry apricot tree I turned off the saw to adjust the tension on the chain and guess what?? I couldn't get the darn thing started again. It is a bit frustrating because it is a newer saw and I have not even put a full gallon of gas through it. I will take it back to the store tomorrow to get insights on what I need to do. Madilyn and Ammon helped take all the wood I cut back to the truck. We drove back to the house and unloaded the wood and called it a day.
I find that outdoor activities like mowing grass, cutting wood, working on vehicles, etc. seem to help me detox a bit from the monotony of the daily routine. Here by the Rocky Mountains I find it is just peaceful to sit outside and look at the mountains. Growing up in Houston never afforded anyone there to have any mountainous view; however, it was thunderstorms that brought me peace. I think I have heard thunder maybe 3 times in the few years I have moved away from Texas. Weird eh?
Tonight is a quiet(ish) night with two of the teens working and Madilyn at a friends home. We tried to FaceTime Grandma and caught her in the store. It has been some time since we talked with her. She will call when she gets back home. Tonight's entry is a little dry -
Sunday, July 14, 2019
14 Jul 2019 (4 years, 6 months, 25 days after The Day)
I watched the movie The Other Side of Heaven. It is good. It reminded me of my time serving people in California. Service of others is how one changes inside. I learned that then and I was reminded of that when Jan died. Tonight, Claire wanted a story after Samantha put her in bed. Samantha asked that I pop in and give her a kiss goodnight. I walked into her dark room and leaned down to give her a hug and a kiss. I pulled the covers up tight and tucked her in like a burrito. She was laughing. She wiggled free and threw her arms around me and said "I love you, Daddy. Can you read me story of the monkey?" I got the Curious George book that has a collection of tales and she picked a story. I read her the story and then gave her a kiss. She asked "Daddy, can you nuggle me?" (snuggle). I just hugged her and wept. I don't know why. I just felt like this little kid is just so sweet and innocent. I felt so privileged to be her father. She was concerned that I was crying and wanted to comfort me. I felt silly for being weepy but for some reason I was.
A few days ago Samantha and I talked about how it would be a good idea to talk to the kids about finances. Many are working for extra cash and we wanted them to ensure they were all on the same page with what is expected financially of them after high school. Today at dinner, Samantha and I spoke to the kids about the importance of financial independence and how it was important to save and discipline yourself today for unexpected bad weather in the future. We tried to paint the picture of how life gets tougher when you get in college, then get married, then have kids, all the while working to make ends meet. It is helpful when you have the opportunity to learn the hard lesson of financial discipline when you are young and still living at home. We encouraged them to save 50%, pay 10% in a tithe, and keep 40% for spendable cash. Disciplining yourself now is always easier than having to make a decision later on what you really believe when times get tough.
I'm struggling when talking with our youth that are teens. They have partially progressed from dependence to independence. They want to be independent but still have some growing to do. I find correcting these youth has to be done with care. At times I feel I approach these problems as tactfully as a brain surgeon and at other times I feel like a bull in a china shop. I just want my children to grow empowered to be their very best - to be good people who serve others. I may suck as a dad but I am trying. Sometimes I feel that just isn't good enough. I suppose every parent feels this way at times.
A few days ago Samantha and I talked about how it would be a good idea to talk to the kids about finances. Many are working for extra cash and we wanted them to ensure they were all on the same page with what is expected financially of them after high school. Today at dinner, Samantha and I spoke to the kids about the importance of financial independence and how it was important to save and discipline yourself today for unexpected bad weather in the future. We tried to paint the picture of how life gets tougher when you get in college, then get married, then have kids, all the while working to make ends meet. It is helpful when you have the opportunity to learn the hard lesson of financial discipline when you are young and still living at home. We encouraged them to save 50%, pay 10% in a tithe, and keep 40% for spendable cash. Disciplining yourself now is always easier than having to make a decision later on what you really believe when times get tough.
I'm struggling when talking with our youth that are teens. They have partially progressed from dependence to independence. They want to be independent but still have some growing to do. I find correcting these youth has to be done with care. At times I feel I approach these problems as tactfully as a brain surgeon and at other times I feel like a bull in a china shop. I just want my children to grow empowered to be their very best - to be good people who serve others. I may suck as a dad but I am trying. Sometimes I feel that just isn't good enough. I suppose every parent feels this way at times.
Sunday, May 12, 2019
12 May 2019 ( 4 years, 4 months, 23 days after The Day)
Happy Mother's Day
I have had a lot of influence of females in my life. Outside of the biggest influence of my own mother I have had wives, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, mother-in-laws, step-mothers, and sister-in-laws that all drive home the point of how important the female influence is.
I am constantly amazed at the grace that Samantha has when dealing with challenges introduced by our kids. Regardless if the issue is with her kids or my own - she handles things with patience that is awe inspiring. I have seen many mothers do this and I am always amazed at their level of composure during times of stress. Times like this have me reflect upon my own childhood and I wonder how much stress I brought my mom. I'm sure I introduced my fair share. My older sister Marie and I would fight all the time growing up. I think we genuinely enjoyed each others company but on top of that we really really enjoyed annoying each other. I am sure I gave my mom a few grey hairs. I appreciate her patience as I always knew she cared for me.
Jan was no different. She was there for the kids. She played with them. She comforted them. She taught them. She loved them and they loved her. I think on discussions I recall having with both Jan and Samantha. Both being so hard on themselves. Both feeling they could and should be better. I think this must be normal as I also have a hard time receiving compliments. I wrote a note to Samantha for Mother's day. I decided when Jan died to write more. I have very little written by Jan to me so I just wanted to write something heartfelt to Samantha. I hope all the Mothers out in the world realize they are more than a human napkin and under-appreciated CEO of the family. They have influence beyond what they realize.
Happy Mother's Day
I have had a lot of influence of females in my life. Outside of the biggest influence of my own mother I have had wives, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, mother-in-laws, step-mothers, and sister-in-laws that all drive home the point of how important the female influence is.
I am constantly amazed at the grace that Samantha has when dealing with challenges introduced by our kids. Regardless if the issue is with her kids or my own - she handles things with patience that is awe inspiring. I have seen many mothers do this and I am always amazed at their level of composure during times of stress. Times like this have me reflect upon my own childhood and I wonder how much stress I brought my mom. I'm sure I introduced my fair share. My older sister Marie and I would fight all the time growing up. I think we genuinely enjoyed each others company but on top of that we really really enjoyed annoying each other. I am sure I gave my mom a few grey hairs. I appreciate her patience as I always knew she cared for me.
Jan was no different. She was there for the kids. She played with them. She comforted them. She taught them. She loved them and they loved her. I think on discussions I recall having with both Jan and Samantha. Both being so hard on themselves. Both feeling they could and should be better. I think this must be normal as I also have a hard time receiving compliments. I wrote a note to Samantha for Mother's day. I decided when Jan died to write more. I have very little written by Jan to me so I just wanted to write something heartfelt to Samantha. I hope all the Mothers out in the world realize they are more than a human napkin and under-appreciated CEO of the family. They have influence beyond what they realize.
Happy Mother's Day
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