Well- it is now the countdown to Christmas. Right? Well - at least it feels this way to me. Oh ... and also voting. I know there are various political stances out there and this isn't meant to be poking at any party but holy crap! I mean - let's just all focus on things we disagree on! wow! I have learned one thing in having a conversation with someone I don't get along with is it is much easier if you talk about things you do have in common. Having each party vilify each other is getting old. It is on ALL news channels. The sad thing is there seems to be so much polarization on the subject that taking a stand on something you believe in will likely result in a public flogging. I have told my children to stand for what is right. I know that is open to interpretation just like political slogans are open to interpretation as well (i.e. "change we can believe in" or "make America great again"). I suppose the point of the rambling is that voting is upon us. I count that as a sacred duty for us all to do.
I went to the gym tonight with Madilyn. We walked the track for a little over a mile and then hit the weights a bit. It was good talking with her. I feel that many of the kids just get lost in the shuffle of activity and I was thankful to have a moment to talk with her. She has such goodness in her. She reminds me of my mom. My mom and Madilyn both serve people. That is just a God given talent.
Claire is (fingers crossed) officially potty trained. She gave into bribery of candy and I think we have enough progress on that point that we are good without the candy which is exciting. She really is the sweetest little girl. "I yuv you dad" is a common phrase. She really has my heart.
Samantha and I have been watching Mark Weins on YouTube. I don't know if you have ever heard of him but he travels the globe eating local food and giving commentary. We really enjoy watching him. I think it is because of his kind heart and the fact that he really enjoys a lot of weird food and he is fun to watch.
Well- on that note - I'm stepping away to watch Mark Weins.
Friday, November 2, 2018
Thursday, November 1, 2018
1 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 13 days after The Day)
Candy.
Anyone want candy? My kids brought home candy that should be measured by weight... not amount. It is nuts. This reminds me of this silly answer to a math question -
I was absolutely exhausted last night. I think it is just the holidays. I am not a fan. The kids have a thousand things to do towards the end of the year and at times I feel like a dementor from the Harry Potter series is just sucking the energy from my soul.
I awoke today feeling tired. I have a gob of things to do at work and as I contemplate everything that needs to be done I become a bit tired. I generally have a plan for getting everything accomplished but lately I have had so much on my plate that I realize I need help or rather - I cannot accomplish all that I need to the same way I always have. Therein lies the challenge. Change is challenging by itself but add a mountain of work and responsibility and it becomes a crushing weight. But - it is doable. Not easy... but it is doable.
I have wondered why I have started writing in this blog again. As you know - there has been a large gap from daily to weekly to monthly to whenever. I realized that typing things out for me has been helpful if nothing more than just getting a moment to do a brain dump. Perhaps it is because of everything I have going on. Who knows.
Here is a random thought - Since January, Samantha and I have been faithfully going to the gym and eating better. I'm not a fan of "diets" because change from these diets are rarely permanent and people are only temporarily successful in their goal setting. I honestly don't think people really have goals. I think most people say "I want to be as thin as I was in high school" but don't put a date to when they want this accomplished. For me I didn't want any drastic change because I wanted it to be long-term. I wanted results in a year's time. I thought I didn't stack on the weight in a month so why am I trying to lose it in a month. So I opted to just change the way I eat and to begin to be more active. I called my sister in December and she told me some simple things to do which helped me get on this path. Since that time I dropped 35lbs and gained a fair amount of muscle. This has been good but I realized that when I went on the cruise and then later came home- my gym habits evaporated. I did go to the gym on the ship but for me going to the gym before the cruise was a daily decompression which was helpful. I would go grudgingly but afterward feel much better. I think that is where my blogging went - it allowed me self-reflection time while working out. Anyway - the point is the cruise added some weight back on and that is always discouraging. I'm going to the gym tonight and while I am not a fan of cardio - it will be my date. :-|
Until later -
Anyone want candy? My kids brought home candy that should be measured by weight... not amount. It is nuts. This reminds me of this silly answer to a math question -
I was absolutely exhausted last night. I think it is just the holidays. I am not a fan. The kids have a thousand things to do towards the end of the year and at times I feel like a dementor from the Harry Potter series is just sucking the energy from my soul.
I have wondered why I have started writing in this blog again. As you know - there has been a large gap from daily to weekly to monthly to whenever. I realized that typing things out for me has been helpful if nothing more than just getting a moment to do a brain dump. Perhaps it is because of everything I have going on. Who knows.
Here is a random thought - Since January, Samantha and I have been faithfully going to the gym and eating better. I'm not a fan of "diets" because change from these diets are rarely permanent and people are only temporarily successful in their goal setting. I honestly don't think people really have goals. I think most people say "I want to be as thin as I was in high school" but don't put a date to when they want this accomplished. For me I didn't want any drastic change because I wanted it to be long-term. I wanted results in a year's time. I thought I didn't stack on the weight in a month so why am I trying to lose it in a month. So I opted to just change the way I eat and to begin to be more active. I called my sister in December and she told me some simple things to do which helped me get on this path. Since that time I dropped 35lbs and gained a fair amount of muscle. This has been good but I realized that when I went on the cruise and then later came home- my gym habits evaporated. I did go to the gym on the ship but for me going to the gym before the cruise was a daily decompression which was helpful. I would go grudgingly but afterward feel much better. I think that is where my blogging went - it allowed me self-reflection time while working out. Anyway - the point is the cruise added some weight back on and that is always discouraging. I'm going to the gym tonight and while I am not a fan of cardio - it will be my date. :-|
Until later -
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
31 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 12 days after The Day)
Happy Halloween.
I went to bed thinking of my last post about my pets and realized it may be worth sharing an experience I had a few months back. The house was crazy busy. People were coming and going. Kids banging stuff in the kitchen. I was in my office and saw my wife walk by. I was at a stopping point so I followed her into the bedroom. She turned a corner into our bathroom and I followed her there only to find myself alone. I thought she was maybe in the closet digging for something but she wasn't. I looked in the the shower and she was not there either. She up and vanished before me. There is no way back to the house except by passing me so it was really odd. I walked into the kitchen befuddled and found her sitting at the island in the kitchen using her laptop. I was thoroughly confused. I asked her if she was just in the bedroom and she said no. I related this story to her and asked her "who did I just follow into the bedroom??" she said "well- I guess you followed Jan". I know this may give you a "spooky" feeling but for me I just smiled. I smiled because I have moved 1200 miles away from the home Jan and I had together and to know she has been in our home here brings me comfort. Samantha then related that at times she will walk past the front room where the piano is. She has said on multiple occasions she has seen a woman standing or sitting by the piano. Again - you may think this is spooky but for me I just smiled. I am a firm believer that our family stays close by and stories like this bring me comfort.
My grandmother related a story when she was in her 70's. She lived in an older part of Houston where crime was prevalent. She said she was sound asleep when her husband sat by her bed, put his hand on her hip gently woke her and said "Oneda - you need to get up". She woke up - her husband who passed away over 30 years before was not there and the apartment was quiet. It was just a dream. She got up and went into the living room to see her front door ajar. She shut and locked the door. The next day she went outside to see boot impressions in the flowerbed under the living room window. I think on this and again - just smile that my grandfather was watching out for his wife and never really left her - 30 years later after many moves he was still there for her. When my grandmother told the story she just smiled when she reflected on her husband being there for her. I get it.
Well- tonight my kids are going trick-or-treating. Shouldn't there be an age limit to this?? Some kids just show up with a pillowcase and no costume. I open the door and am like... er... what are you? When Jan and I lived in Houston there was a guy with a chainsaw (no chain) and the full makeup and outfit to boot that would strike fear in adults (not to mention kids). He would slowly walk around and randomly start up the chainsaw and raise it above his head. This led to many kids just going to a different neighborhood. Many parents had to talk to this guy and he eventually got the message. So far in my new neighborhood I rarely get kids that stop by at all which means I am left with a bucket of candy. That is the last thing my kids need... More sugar. I wonder if my house is just "creepy" or something. I recall as a kid there were houses we avoided. One guy on our block in Houston was "re-roofing" his house the entire time we lived there (over 30 yrs). His house was two steps away from looking abandoned and needless to say not many kids stopped by. We lived across the street from Bellaire High School and walking home every day I would pass his house and wondered who lived there. It reminded me of the house that Boo Radley from the book To Kill a Mockingbird lived in.
Until later -
I went to bed thinking of my last post about my pets and realized it may be worth sharing an experience I had a few months back. The house was crazy busy. People were coming and going. Kids banging stuff in the kitchen. I was in my office and saw my wife walk by. I was at a stopping point so I followed her into the bedroom. She turned a corner into our bathroom and I followed her there only to find myself alone. I thought she was maybe in the closet digging for something but she wasn't. I looked in the the shower and she was not there either. She up and vanished before me. There is no way back to the house except by passing me so it was really odd. I walked into the kitchen befuddled and found her sitting at the island in the kitchen using her laptop. I was thoroughly confused. I asked her if she was just in the bedroom and she said no. I related this story to her and asked her "who did I just follow into the bedroom??" she said "well- I guess you followed Jan". I know this may give you a "spooky" feeling but for me I just smiled. I smiled because I have moved 1200 miles away from the home Jan and I had together and to know she has been in our home here brings me comfort. Samantha then related that at times she will walk past the front room where the piano is. She has said on multiple occasions she has seen a woman standing or sitting by the piano. Again - you may think this is spooky but for me I just smiled. I am a firm believer that our family stays close by and stories like this bring me comfort.
My grandmother related a story when she was in her 70's. She lived in an older part of Houston where crime was prevalent. She said she was sound asleep when her husband sat by her bed, put his hand on her hip gently woke her and said "Oneda - you need to get up". She woke up - her husband who passed away over 30 years before was not there and the apartment was quiet. It was just a dream. She got up and went into the living room to see her front door ajar. She shut and locked the door. The next day she went outside to see boot impressions in the flowerbed under the living room window. I think on this and again - just smile that my grandfather was watching out for his wife and never really left her - 30 years later after many moves he was still there for her. When my grandmother told the story she just smiled when she reflected on her husband being there for her. I get it.
Well- tonight my kids are going trick-or-treating. Shouldn't there be an age limit to this?? Some kids just show up with a pillowcase and no costume. I open the door and am like... er... what are you? When Jan and I lived in Houston there was a guy with a chainsaw (no chain) and the full makeup and outfit to boot that would strike fear in adults (not to mention kids). He would slowly walk around and randomly start up the chainsaw and raise it above his head. This led to many kids just going to a different neighborhood. Many parents had to talk to this guy and he eventually got the message. So far in my new neighborhood I rarely get kids that stop by at all which means I am left with a bucket of candy. That is the last thing my kids need... More sugar. I wonder if my house is just "creepy" or something. I recall as a kid there were houses we avoided. One guy on our block in Houston was "re-roofing" his house the entire time we lived there (over 30 yrs). His house was two steps away from looking abandoned and needless to say not many kids stopped by. We lived across the street from Bellaire High School and walking home every day I would pass his house and wondered who lived there. It reminded me of the house that Boo Radley from the book To Kill a Mockingbird lived in.
Until later -
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
30 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 11 days after The Day)
So today was "just another day". I had an interesting experience earlier today. I walked into my bedroom and could have sworn that I saw my black cat sleeping on some freshly laundered and folded clothes (typical). The challenge with this is my cat passed away shortly after Jan died. With Penny's death so recent I am thinking about all the pets I have had over the years. I grew up with Great Danes at my dad's home and a mutt (small dog) at my mom's home. I wonder if our pets hang out with us after they die. When my little black cat died I was in the house but not by her. I knew she was not well and it was a matter of time (hours or days) before she passed. I was writing in this blog (I believe) and I swore I saw my cat walk toward me from the other side of the house in my peripheral vision. The cat was walking without any issue so I knew something was off. I blinked and the cat was gone. I jumped up and went to where I saw my cat walk from and found her dead. (The post from that time was 27 June 2015 (189 days after The Day)) From that moment I have thought our pets perhaps hang out for a while. Seeing my cat today made me laugh that even in the after-life my cat is laying on clothes that are clean. In a way I felt like our pets still stay around. I have felt that way about Jan from time to time and that brings me comfort that she is experiencing our kids growing up. I still get frustrated that I have to teach my kids to drive. :-|
Anyway - So while it is on the eve of Halloween and I didn't intend to share a "ghost story", I felt this one was sweet and made me smile.
Anyway - So while it is on the eve of Halloween and I didn't intend to share a "ghost story", I felt this one was sweet and made me smile.
Monday, October 29, 2018
29 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 10 days after The Day)
So today is getting back into the swing of things for me. I took off last week and went on vacation. Samantha and I saved up and went on a cruise. I have never been on a cruise before so this was new to me. If you have the opportunity to go I suggest you do. I thought it was great. My phone didn't work while I was at sea which meant I couldn't work and was able to relax. I came back to work and had over 250 emails to wade through. While it was good to get away it seems that life seems to through the tough life trials at the kids when we are away. One day after we left our little dachshund named Penny had two discs in her spine go awry which left her paralyzed and unable to control her bladder and bowels. When Samantha and I touched land and connected our phones we were able to help my mom (who was watching everyone while we were on vacation) coordinate the events of that day. After much discussion we decided to put her down. It was so tough on everyone. I think dogs do a good job at just loving you the way you are. I think that is why it hurts so bad when they die. Penny was a very sweet dog. We all miss her and the reminders of her remind me of Jan's passing. All the little things make us sad all over again... With Jan it was her purse, clothes, phone, food she liked in the fridge/pantry, etc. With Penny it is her collar, her food and water bowl, her container of food, and her dog bed.
For me recently I have struggled remembering my life when Jan was alive. In a way I have forgotten. I have buried my old self and started anew. While this has allowed me to function at times I reflect on things I should remember but just have a difficult time doing.
I was talking with Ammon this morning about life trials. Sometimes life throws lots of curve balls at you and I am a believer that God helps to mold you and make you better. The process is messy and painful but in the end you can emerge better than before the trial. During that discussion I reflected on the painful things I have endured in my life and I think each has made me better. I have learned to love more, to appreciate more, to be a better parent, to be driven, to persevere and be tenacious in accomplishing my goals. I feel I learned more in talking to Ammon than I did when others talk to me. I suppose I realized the old saying of "you teach once you learn twice".
So - my mom is flying back to Houston tomorrow. It will be sad to see her go home since I only got to visit with her for a short time before and after our trip. I'm so thankful that she was able to spend time with the kiddos. I know she enjoys visiting with the kids even though it is a bit chaotic with all the kids and their schedules.
Well - I'm hoping my memories of Jan don't fade further... I feel as if I really just don't remember much. Is that a blessing? Sometimes I say yes... sometimes I say no. Today - I say no.
Until later -
For me recently I have struggled remembering my life when Jan was alive. In a way I have forgotten. I have buried my old self and started anew. While this has allowed me to function at times I reflect on things I should remember but just have a difficult time doing.
I was talking with Ammon this morning about life trials. Sometimes life throws lots of curve balls at you and I am a believer that God helps to mold you and make you better. The process is messy and painful but in the end you can emerge better than before the trial. During that discussion I reflected on the painful things I have endured in my life and I think each has made me better. I have learned to love more, to appreciate more, to be a better parent, to be driven, to persevere and be tenacious in accomplishing my goals. I feel I learned more in talking to Ammon than I did when others talk to me. I suppose I realized the old saying of "you teach once you learn twice".
So - my mom is flying back to Houston tomorrow. It will be sad to see her go home since I only got to visit with her for a short time before and after our trip. I'm so thankful that she was able to spend time with the kiddos. I know she enjoys visiting with the kids even though it is a bit chaotic with all the kids and their schedules.
Well - I'm hoping my memories of Jan don't fade further... I feel as if I really just don't remember much. Is that a blessing? Sometimes I say yes... sometimes I say no. Today - I say no.
Until later -
Sunday, July 29, 2018
29 July 2018 (3 years, 7 months, 10 days after The Day)
Today was just a normal day in many ways. There was nothing out of the normal. We woke up, ate breakfast, went to church, came home, and spent time together as a family. I have noticed and even written in past blog entries that I am invigorated by writing and have committed to do this more often. I suppose as I reflect on this I think my "brain dump" moments do have quite a healing effect upon me. I was reflecting on Jan the other day. As I reflected I realized that I had forgotten a lot. I don't know why and I was severely troubled by this. I have worked with my kiddos as they struggle to remember even the little things but for me to forget is really troublesome. I knew Jan for many years before we were married and we were married for 15. I wonder how someone can forget things. I had a couple of take-aways from this mental exercise.
- There was a comment made by someone (I can't remember who- and the irony of that statement in relation to the others below is sad but a little comical) that when someone dies the stories they tell die with them. The stories that they would share about you or about them or about situations in life - die.
- I realize that I am forgetting things. There are sad stories with someone who's parent suffers from Alzheimer's disease where they forget their own children and are quite content living in a state of regressed memories. I know that I have forgotten things and I think that is what is so unsettling. I am not content. I just can't remember certain things about Jan and it worried me to the point where I spoke with my mom and wife about it. Alzheimer's disease is not common in my family but this event sure had me researching if it was and helping me to self-diagnose what I could be experiencing!
So - what does this mean? Who knows. I know that I know. That is all I know. On one hand I can recall like yesterday interacting with Jan and doing normal life routines. On the other hand it seems like a dream. I suppose that is what has me sad.
I reluctantly went to the gym the other day when I was feeling blue. I was impressed with how quickly I rebounded from these sad feelings. I don't enjoy the gym. I have lost weight and am living healthier but I don't look at the gym as a "happy place". So, for me to experience the immediate change in my mood after going there was quite profound. I learned I have a resource when I feel this way.
Well - that is it for now.
Saturday, April 7, 2018
07 April 2018 (3 years, 3 months, 19 days after The Day)
Today started like any other day. Claire was awake and calling for someone to get her. I got up and got her fed and settled. My phone buzzed with a text from a fellow who owns an orchard nearby. I had corresponded with him about getting some wood in exchange for some BBQ. I spent the last weekend smoking about 80 lbs of meat.
That BBQ run ended up being the following:
brisket (1)
pork shoulder (4)
chickens (2)
pork ribs (5)
pork rib roast (1)
It turned out nicely but I had also used nearly all my wood to do this. I was on the lookout for any fruit wood I could get my hands on. The week before I left a note on this fellow's home and he called me back. Anyway, he said he was available both today and next Saturday for me to stop by and get some wood so I called up my father-in-law to schedule a time to borrow his pickup and chainsaw. By the time all this transpired Samantha was up and moving. I took Madilyn and Ammon with me to get this wood. We spent a few hours cutting the wood and loading it into the truck (long bed F150 Ford). The cherry tree we took was substantial in size. We only took a single limb but it filled the entire bed of the truck. It started to rain towards the end of our time and by the time we got back to the house we were soaked to the bone. I got cleaned up and took a minute to eat some lunch.
I noticed a txt from one of Jan's friends about her commonwealth school she founded. Jan's friend created a separate domain name. It was bitter-sweet. It enables her to move forward with the school and for me to do something with the website that won't hinder the progress the school is making.
I feel like time has moved on. I feel at times that Jan is near. It is comforting to believe that she is aware of how the kids are and our current living environment. Things seem to be so different from our lives back in Arlington. In December I decided to change my health. This has been a long-time brewing so it finally took shape in me making changes in my life directly after Christmas. I altered my diet (permanently) and introduced activity into my life. I have dropped about 25 lbs. That sounds like a lot but I have a lot to lose so this is just a step in the right direction for me.
We took some family photos as well and I am just shocked at how the kids have grown. It seems as if it is overnight.
I realize that me writing in this blog is healing. It is healing for me to just get it down somewhere. Sometimes life moves at such a pace that we forget the little things.
The older boys and Emma Jean are on a high school choir tour that visited Disney Land. They will come back tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure they all will be super tired by the time they return. Samantha and I have spent some time with the younger kids while the older ones are out. It has been good. I feel at times there isn't enough of us to go around to all the kids. They have a lot of patience with us!
Well - I'll write more later - for now - off to the gym. :-|
That BBQ run ended up being the following:
brisket (1)
pork shoulder (4)
chickens (2)
pork ribs (5)
pork rib roast (1)
It turned out nicely but I had also used nearly all my wood to do this. I was on the lookout for any fruit wood I could get my hands on. The week before I left a note on this fellow's home and he called me back. Anyway, he said he was available both today and next Saturday for me to stop by and get some wood so I called up my father-in-law to schedule a time to borrow his pickup and chainsaw. By the time all this transpired Samantha was up and moving. I took Madilyn and Ammon with me to get this wood. We spent a few hours cutting the wood and loading it into the truck (long bed F150 Ford). The cherry tree we took was substantial in size. We only took a single limb but it filled the entire bed of the truck. It started to rain towards the end of our time and by the time we got back to the house we were soaked to the bone. I got cleaned up and took a minute to eat some lunch.
I noticed a txt from one of Jan's friends about her commonwealth school she founded. Jan's friend created a separate domain name. It was bitter-sweet. It enables her to move forward with the school and for me to do something with the website that won't hinder the progress the school is making.
I feel like time has moved on. I feel at times that Jan is near. It is comforting to believe that she is aware of how the kids are and our current living environment. Things seem to be so different from our lives back in Arlington. In December I decided to change my health. This has been a long-time brewing so it finally took shape in me making changes in my life directly after Christmas. I altered my diet (permanently) and introduced activity into my life. I have dropped about 25 lbs. That sounds like a lot but I have a lot to lose so this is just a step in the right direction for me.
We took some family photos as well and I am just shocked at how the kids have grown. It seems as if it is overnight.
Here is one of the entire family
I realize that me writing in this blog is healing. It is healing for me to just get it down somewhere. Sometimes life moves at such a pace that we forget the little things.
The older boys and Emma Jean are on a high school choir tour that visited Disney Land. They will come back tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure they all will be super tired by the time they return. Samantha and I have spent some time with the younger kids while the older ones are out. It has been good. I feel at times there isn't enough of us to go around to all the kids. They have a lot of patience with us!
Well - I'll write more later - for now - off to the gym. :-|
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