07 Aug 2015 (230 days after The Day)

So Claire decided to wake up at 11 and go to sleep at 4:30 am.  I don't know why she decided to do this but it was a humbling feeling for sure.  I reached that point when I exhausted all my resources and realized that Claire was just going to cry.  At this point my mom came into the living room and took over.  That was at 4.  Perhaps she just needed a woman's touch.

06 Aug 2015 (229 days after The Day)

Today I juggled lots of projects.  Lots of moving pieces and lots of activities.  With all the activity at work I am wondering how single parents do it all.  By the time dinner is done and cleaned up it seems it is time for bed.   

My cold is getting better - but I still struggle with coughing.  I'm sure the meds are working ... it is just taking a moment.  I'm glad I went in when I did.

I have found it is easy to talk to other widows and widowers about my loss.  It seems odd that a life event like a death can isolate you so very easily with loved ones caring but not really understanding.  Heck, I myself thought - one day I will be a widower... when I am 80 or so.... Jan and I had a desire of growing old together and dying together...  She did say - "If one of us goes - I hope it is me because I don't want to live without you".  I wish I had that recorded... for now I just play that memory back in my mind.  I think... 8 months is not that long... it is ok.  On the other hand 8 months seems like an eternity.  When I talk to other widows and widowers that is when I understand that life goes on and you can smile again.  That your spouse wants you to smile and laugh again.  It is hard to allow yourself to do such things - but it is so healing when laughter occurs.

05 Aug 2015 (228 days after The Day)

So I did something today that I haven't done in a long while... I took a sick day.  I have been very congested and not sleeping so I went to the doctor.  They prescribed a 'z-pack' and some cough syrup.  I don't know who designs the flavorings of these liquid medicines but yeah... I was doing good not to loose it after I swallowed.  Nasty.  Just nasty.  My kids got a good laugh out of that.  Dad taking medicine.

I have thought on how in the scriptures they refer to the prideful as those with "iron sinew" or "stiff necks"  I found the following defination of humility:

To make meek and teachable, or the condition of being meek and teachable. Humility includes recognizing our dependence upon God and desiring to submit to his will.

I realize the action word in that definition - "to make".  Just as the furnace will soften metal... so it seems with life we experience life events to humble us... to make us mold-able.  I was talking with my mom today and realized that the quickest way through the darkness is to not resist.  To readily accept what is there even if it isn't what you want.  Just as Jesus Christ spoke with Saul telling him it was hard for him to "kick against the pricks" so I ask myself why do I do the same?  Truth is and always will be there.  It will will never fade and will outlive the Earth.  So - it makes sense that I yield to truth.. and accept what it is.  I am learning these lessons slowly.  I realize God loves all his kids... all the trials and struggles he allows us to experience is to prepare us to love more.  To endure more... to live more - to learn to forgive and to learn how to love.  I thought I knew how to love.  My love for my kids and my wife have grown exponentially since her passing.  I don't see that as a bad thing even though the life event that brought it is horrific.  I am learning to say "ok dad" to my Heavenly Father with a calm face and calm body.  I am learning how to accept a 'no' answer and while it is hard... I take comfort that my Heavenly Father is mindful of all his children and these events will be to my benefit.

04 Aug 2015 (227 days after The Day)

So today was an odd evening.... we didn't have any activities in the evening.  It was nice not having to run around anywhere. 

I have thought on the duties of Jan... the things I just flat took for granted.  The things Jan did as my wife and as a mother to our kids.  I just took so many things for granted.  I look at Claire and think.... I want her to have a mom.  I think Jan does too.  I suppose this event is sobering.  It is helping me to accept life for what it is and determine what I need to do to pick up the pieces and move forward.  I have said it before - I will always miss Jan.  I really do feel like a portion of me died with her.  I also feel I have to just accept what it is and figure out how to move forward even though I am in pain.  Time has helped me get strength.  The pain has lessened now that I have embraced it.  I know I will see her again and it is my duty to be the best darn father there ever was.  I want my kids and I to return home to her one day knowing we did our best.  That is my goal.  That is my objective.

03 Aug 2015 (226 days after The Day)

Today I went to a baseball game with my family.  It was the first outing so to speak with my entire family.  It was good.  Claire fell asleep in the second inning.  Then she woke up in the 4th and was fussy... so we ended up coming back in the top of the 5th.  My home team of the Astros were being stomped.  The last time I was at a game it was with Jan.  I kept glancing up to where we last sat... memories filled my mind.  I suppose that will continue throughout my life.  It wasn't sad like a boo hoo moment... but I was missing my Jan. 

02 Aug 2015 (225 days after The Day)

Today I visited with a friend I have not seen in over 16 yrs.  It seems odd that 16 years have passed but he is the same old guy... It was good catching up with him.  Life changed for us both.  He has kids and so do I.  Life has moved on.  I realized just how quickly time moves and how imperative it is for me to not be idle in my desires for healing.  Tomorrow is a new day.  A day to begin fresh. 

Also - everyone seems to be fighting colds.  Yay.

01 Aug 2015 (224 days after The Day)

Well - time does make the passing less intense.  Tonight as I was brushing my teeth - I glanced over to Jan's side of the bathroom.  We each have our own sinks and hers still has her makeup stuff, toothbrush, deodorant, etc...  At first all of this was so difficult to see.  It was difficult to acknowledge that Jan won't be coming back.  I have reached a point where I still miss her.  I miss her so so much yet I can see moving to another chapter in my life and it being ok.  So far the only thing that pains me with a pain that I cannot shake or move past is my wish that Jan could hold and interact with Claire.  Claire is such a joy.

Claire started crawling today.  She is so cute.  I am glad to be her dad.

















#clairecrawl