07 June 2015 (169 days after The Day)

So Claire is sick and not sleeping well.  I woke last night around 2:30 with her and she finally went back to sleep around 5.  She has struggled to sleep all day.  I am hopeful that she sleeps some tonight.  I went on a walk with Emma and it was really good to spend time with her.  I really enjoyed it.  I then took Madilyn and Ammon to the park and we fed the ducks.  It was fun spending time with everyone.  We came home and I made some dinner that was one of Jan's favorite comfort food dishes.  It was good to spend time with the family.  We then watched Mary Poppins (at least part of it) and ended the night on a good note. (no pun intended)

06 June 2015 (168 days after The Day)

Well - other than errands I feel like two important events occured today.

1.)  I learned how to start a fire with flint and steel.  I taught Emma and she is is taking this knowledge to a girls camp.  I'm excited that she knows how to do this now.

2.)  I had a meeting with the funeral home on pre-planning my funeral so costs are not to be incurred by my family whenever that time comes.  We never got to that discussion because I brought up how I felt the cost of Jan's funeral was outrageous for what they did.  After a review I they agreed they needed to revisit the costs and said they would call me.  I don't know if anything will ever come of this but it was good to have this conversation with them.   

I am ready to put this chapter behind me.

05 June 2015 (167 days after The Day)

Today I did something I have not done in a long time.  I cuddled with my 3 older kids.  We watched a show on TV and just snuggled.  It was really healing.  I need to do more of that.

Tomorrow is a blizzard of activity.  Sometime this activity is good... other times it is just draining.

04 June 2015 (166 days after The Day)

I learned an important lesson.  I need to take time for myself.  I set aside time today to work on my grief and I allowed other important tasks to push it aside.  I mentally had prepared to work on my grief so in a weird way my mind was already there.  Combining that with my desire to get these other priorities accomplished literally drained my energy in a very short amount of time.  As I write this I am on fumes.  Tonight will be an early night for me. 

03 June 2015 (165 days after The Day)

Tonight I took all kids out of the house.  This was the first time in a long time that I had everyone out at one time.  Grandma got a break and Claire rode in the Baby Björn.  She was having a fun time.  She got a little tired toward the end but overall I think she enjoyed her time with Ammon and me.  Madilyn and Emma were at a church activity so Claire, Ammon, and I just hung out and looked at the neighboring horses.   The sun was low and the horses were in the stables but we could see them clearly.  It was good being able to just hang out.  Tonight I ended up giving Ammon a 2nd bath because the first one .... I believe was accomplished without soap.  Ammon disagrees but I settled the stinkage with a mandate to take another bath.  I then read him one fish, two fish, three fish, blue fish by Dr. Seuss.  After a few minutes he was sleeping hard.  I love that kid.  Madilyn and Emma both came into Ammon's room asking me to finish the story I told them yesterday.  I make up bedtime stories and they get a kick out of them.... apparently enough to want me to finish last night's story tonight.  So today was a glimpse of normalcy from before Jan's passing.  It was good.

02 June 2015 (164 days after The Day)

In group/family counseling we all wrote down about how we found out our loved one died and how it affected us.  I noticed something tonight.  This memory is still horrific.  It is still very tender.  It touches my very core AND I was able to write down and listen to others share their stories which while different had enough similarities to trigger many many memories personally.  I found that I could listen.  I wasn't up for sharing my own but I could listen and mourn with those who were mourning.  It was a sweet experience but hard at the same time.  I think I am getting stronger but the strength is not what I first imagined.  I thought strength meant not showing emotion.  What I am finding is that strength is the ability to feel through all the very tough situations.  To NOT bury the feelings.  I saw a glimpse of that tonight and as odd as it sounds it gave me hope.

01 June 2015 (163 days after The Day)

I have thought on the desire God has for us to become our best and what that process looks like.  I have thought about challenges we may all face.  How we may feel alone and yet our negative feelings may only hinder our healing.  I think about how painful these experiences can be not only at the moment they occur but continually afterwards.  I'm still getting bills for Jan and Claire and it amazes me that although I know it is a bill just the detail of the bill will send me right back to the day everything occurred.  I think on the innocence of Claire and how she looks to me and not to Jan.  I think of the humility my children have as they strive to process these complex emotions at such young ages.  I am absolutely amazed at the healing power of love.  Regardless of how bad I feel or how sad my emotions are the love of my kids can be so extremely healing. 

At this point in my healing journey I have taken a step back from Jan.  I still miss her terribly but I have removed myself from her in a way that I am visualizing what life is like and will be like without her.  Regardless of how I feel about this visual I embrace it because I have no control over Jan... I can only control events in my life and even those I can only control partially.  I guess I realize how life is quick and decisions made now really do matter.  Every decision matters.