26 Dec 2015 (1 yr 6 days after The Day)

I have had some rough days this last week.  On Dec 22 2014 Jan died.  One year ago today I buried her.    To say my feelings have been tender is an understatement.  I recall having to do Christmas alone and figure out the presents.  I recall how I was just on autopilot.  This year - Christmas was good.  It was different but good.  I have learned that love heals.  I have been amazed at how my children work through both the pain and change in their lives.  Samantha has been a wonderful mother to my children.  I feel so blessed.  She has been a good wife to me.  There are differences between Jan and Samantha and I cannot compare them as they are different people but they both have one quality - they are genuine, honest, and loving.

So - to someone entering this journey of widow/widowerhood I say - don't give up.  Just press forward.  It is so tempting to just give-up and the feeling of isolation can be overbearing at times.  It can be difficult to be positive; however, being positive is what helps healing to occur.

I have pondered if I will write more or just leave it as is.  I think I will write from time to time.  I hope those that read these words can be filled with some hope should they be struggling in their own lives.  It started with a moment, then a minute, then 10 minutes, then 30 minutes, then an hour, then a day, then a week, then a month, then a year that I have worked through.  Every milestone has been a significant accomplishment for me personally.

I still miss Jan terribly.  I am still brought to tears when I think on the whole situation.  I know I still have healing to go through and I don't anticipate healing to be quick but I am trying to give myself space enough to heal.  The love my children have given me has been very helpful.  Even when I don't feel like I could accept a hug or kiss my kids have been there for me.  This pic was captured today.  I  feel lucky to be Claire's father.  I love this little girl.  She wants me to hug her the same way I would hug Jan.... with my arms encompassing her.

   

20 Dec 2015 (365 days after The Day)

So today is the anniversary of The Day.  It started with friends posting on Jan's wall on Facebook.  It is Jan's birthday as well as Claire's.  One year has been filled with so much pain... so much love and healing.  I have learned about myself.  I have learned about the compassion of others.  Complete strangers have been loving and kind to me and my family.  I have learned how many other people around us struggle with pain and it goes unnoticed.  So many attempt to bury their feelings to function.  I have learned about the healing power of tears.  I reflect upon Jan's life... the wonderful lessons I learned from her struggles.  I learned how to let go of pain.  I learned how to love like it is your last day here.  I learned not to take things for granted.  I learned to hug your kids and let them know you love them.  I learned that it is OK to cry.    Since Jan's death I played my saxophone 2 times.  The second time was yesterday.  It felt good.  I have learned how we grow through life experiences that we may not like.

A few of Jan's friends went to visit her at the cemetery today.  It was difficult not to be able to go there.  I still haven't gotten a head stone yet.  I miss Jan still today.  The pain isn't any less but the strength I have is more.  It is funny how that has proven true from the advice I got at the very beginning.

Today will be a celebration for both Jan and Claire.  It will be a positive day in the end.... built on tough memories but a positive day nonetheless.  I am thankful for Samantha and the love and support she has given me through all of this.  I really didn't realize how much I needed it until we were married. 

Overall - I am thankful and tired.  This life event has helped me to value my family.  I thought I did before.  I really did.  I suppose I just look at things differently now.  Love heals and family time is key.

19 Dec 2015 (364 days after The Day)

So today is the day before the anniversary of "The Day".  This last week has been somewhat of a get back in the swing of things week.  I believe this time has been tough for me, Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon.  Everyone has been a little emotionally charged.  I purchased a cake mix today for Claire's birthday.  I decided to get Jan's favorite... Yellow cake with chocolate frosting.... somewhat of a tribute to Jan.

It hasn't really hit me yet...

12 Dec 2015 (357 days after The Day)

This last week I found myself traveling.  I had to go from SLC to DFW to Houston and back.  It was a very strange feeling being back in Arlington.  I felt like I knew the area and was comfortable going wherever but I just didn't feel like it was home.  I suppose that is a blessing.  I stopped by my old home and found the Realtor has done a good job at getting it put back together and cleaned up.  I was impressed.  As I walked through my home I could close my eyes and hear my kids and see them in my mind's eye running around with all our stuff still there.  I could see Jan and for a moment it was like all of this chaos never happened.  Then - opening my eyes I found an empty home void of laughter and music.  Indeed there have been good memories there and I feel grateful that I am taking them with me.  I attempted to do things different while I was in town so I wouldn't be overwhelmed with sadness.  I stayed at a hotel that was new for me.  I ate at restaurants that were new to me.  Being back in my office though was tough.  I accomplished a lot but the memories are thick.

I drove my rental car to Houston for my management meetings there and by the time Wednesday ended I was ready to be back home.  I muscled through the rest of my trip.  I was able to visit both with my family and Jan's.  It was healing.

I also learned a lot about myself.  As I went through all of the past year's events I had to come to grips with some aspects of how I dealt with those emotional parts.  I really felt the spectrum from sadness to abandonment to anger to frustration to feeling numb to hope, happiness, laughter, and joy.  All of these changes in emotion were triggered by my reflecting on a certain aspect of how things transpired.  For example - when I came home from the hospital after Jan died - my kids were all sleeping in my bed.  I knew I was going to have to wake them.  I knew there lives would forever be changed.  As I looked on them I felt like I was abandoned... I felt like I had to somehow get strength to be a rock for my kids.  While I knew I needed to pull it together I was like sand.... just in a million pieces.  I made the decision to be as strong as I could.  As the saying goes... you "fake it till you make it"... in a way that is what happened.  I found that I was strong.  I found that while my world was crumbling around me I found that Matthew 24:35 helped me to know that God will be there forever.  That we are his children and that as such are eternal as well.  It may be a silly scripture to think of but for me it helped.  It was like God himself put his hand on my shoulder and said - "Rob - I'm here... everything will be ok".  That confidence I took to let me move forward day after day.  I had to make decisions to not be angry.  I had to process that part that was so angry.  I decided to let go of that anger.  When I was in Houston I had to get clear on my decision to let go of that anger.  I found myself reprocessing what I vowed to be done with.  It was painful but good.  I suppose as an alcoholic despises alcohol so I dealt with anger.  Anger I found could fuel your energy... it can give you added strength but poison you along the way.  Anger can be contagious too.  I didn't want to spread this poison... I decided to let go of the anger.  It was tough to relive the justification in my mind for being angry... to relive and hold that pain.  In the end I decided again to let go of it and that clarity helped me to release a burden I was carrying.

On Saturday I traveled back to SLC and got the second half of our stuff from Mayflower/United.  Finally.  Afterwards we piled into the van and went and picked out a tree.  A real Christmas tree.  I have never had a real tree in my home before so this is a new tradition.  At the end of the day I crashed feeling exhausted from the day and week's events.  I am glad to be home.      
 

5 Dec 2015 (350 days after The Day)

So - I have taken to writing in this weekly or as needed it seems.  I have had a week filled with meetings.  I am so very frustrated with Mayflower/United that I am really beyond words.  All of my stuff was loaded.  It was underestimated on weight by 4K lbs.  This meant a driver would take a loss at delivering it if he took the load and that has resulted in our load being split.  We received part of our goods and were told the other part would be arriving shortly.  Because they delivered a portion the company feels they are no longer bound to any penalty clause on late deliveries.  I have had to haggle with them and it is just overwhelming.  Moving 1200 miles is just tough.

Claire has been adjusting to the new surroundings and family fine.  She tolerates everyone but still just wants me to hold her.  It is sweet but I really do want her to be ok with Samantha.  Don't get me wrong - she has opened up to her and is completely content in her arms.  If I walk into the room - Claire just wants me.

We went to the  "festival of trees" today and I had a real wake-up call to the cost of a family outing.  Tickets for 6 adults and 2 children, cash for activities for the kids, a few sweet treats for everyone, and putting a burger in everyone's stomach was a couple of hundred dollars.  It was a good outing though.  Good memories.

Samantha and I went on a date night and caught a movie that started at 9:30 pm.  "The Intern".  It was ok.  It was good to get out of the house.  Over the last few days I have dealt with waves of grief over Jan and have shared this with Samantha.  The movie brought more out as well.  It seems to be at the end of the day when it is quiet and dark... I lay in bed and my mind goes to all that has occurred over the last few days.  Our home in Arlington is officially on the market.  I spent about 2500 in getting it cleaned and prepped for sale.  Because I am still making the adjustment to living here in UT I still feel like my home in Arlington is ... well... home.  It was Jan's home.  Selling the house has made me feel sad.  Being up here in UT has been very healing.  I am able to work and be productive; however, when I lay in bed in the quiet of the night thinking of all that has transpired - I begin to feel the pain of Jan's departure.  All the questions come again - Why did she have to die?  Why was it so abrupt and left to me and the kids like an unfinished chapter?  Why am I left to figure it all out?  I have feelings of anger at her departure.  I also feel empowered because of her departure to figure things out.  She is not here.  I must figure it out.  My decision to remarry was one of the best decisions I have made.  Love heals.  Samantha has been so patient with me and my kids and I feel honored to be a father-figure to her kids.  I feel like she was sent from heaven in many ways.  Our marriage is young and yet because we were both married and lost our spouses before we bring a lot of insight and understanding to the table.  We jumped into being mom and dad and I suppose the movie we watched reminded me of two major things - 1.) we need to make time for ourselves and our marriage.  2.)  Jan and I failed to do this well.  It is one part of our marriage I wish I did better.

After another wave of grief I retired for the night desiring to be the best husband and father I can be.  Indeed - life gives you lots of good wisdom.  I was talking with my boss at work.  He was meeting with his boss and he asked if there was anything learned that should be passed up the chain.... I reflected that over the past year I have learned one thing - Wisdom is not pain free.  So - as my tears soak my pillow I reflect on my life - It has been filled with joy, pain, love, trials, heartache and adventures and I am only 38.  I am thankful and grateful for all I have lived to experience.  I am thankful for Samantha and the love we have for each other.