24 December 2020 (6 years, 4 days after The Day)

 Christmas Eve 2020 seems to be more like a random Thursday of the week.  Our Christmas tree is up, presents are wrapped, and activities planned; however, the pandemic has made our activities a little lackluster as we strive to minimize contact.  Samantha's parents asked what we were doing for supper on Christmas and Samantha responded by saying "Wendy's".  I mean, when we just have immediate family over it is like a normal meal.  The kids seem to not care what we place in front of them and why should we kill ourselves in the kitchen only for the kids to respond with a "meh".  With the polarization of political views, views on national policy, COVID, etc I think the entire world is already counting down for 2021 with a hope that it brings less drama.  All I know is the pandemic coupled with my knee surgery has resulted in my weight loss reversing course.  I not only fell off the bandwagon but I ended up running the opposite direction.  It is discouraging for sure.  So - I am left with the following:

1. starting over trying to figure out how to integrate physical activity into my life when my normal lifestyle doesn't naturally include it.
2. pondering how it is possible for one to work so hard for months to "get in shape" and reverse course only taking weeks.  I feel it is like an incline.  You have to work to get up the hill and if you stop you fall back down very quickly.  I understand fully why some are like.. well - screw it... I'm ok with where I am at.

Claire has been having tantrums lately.  I believe it is because she is tired.  We are changing her diet to a reduced sugar diet.  The meds she is taking for seizures have side-effects of anger.  The neurologist suggested adding a supplement of vitamin B6.  This has helped tremendously but lately it seems she gets into fights with Ammon over the most mundane things.  Something like the following;

(Ammon) The Christmas tree is pretty.

(Claire) No, I said it was pretty!

(Ammon) I just said I liked it.  Why are you shouting?

(Claire) STOP SHOUTING AT ME!  ... MOM, AMMON IS SHOUTING AT ME!!!

(Ammon) ??

Poor Ammon gets the wrath of Claire on a constant basis.  He has a tendency to stand his ground which just prolongs the dumb disagreements they have.  I have found that with Claire these episodes are generally because she is either tired or hungry.  Samantha and I are trying to help her be more aware of her and help her eat or rest when she is needing it.

I picked up Emma Jean from college yesterday.  She got her grades back from the first semester and the lowest grade was an A-.  I am not surprised and am very happy for her.  She had a handful of tough classes so these were not easy A's.  Madilyn and Ammon both did well in their classes.  They turned their grades around to end on a positive note.  I am very pleased with their efforts.  It is weird with both Alex and Dylan gone.  We miss them.  Emma Jane, Spencer, and Hayes will be here tomorrow.  We always look forward to their visits.  Hayes is just a seriously cute kid.

So, yesterday, there was an issue at work.  I am taking this week and next on vacation; however, the issues in technology are generally woven into a ton of other processes and because technology never takes a vacation, it requires everyone to get involved regardless of the holiday schedule.  Resolving these problems requires looking past the symptoms to discover the root cause.  This problem solving effort often mandates a lot of individuals with various skills to combine together to find and address the issue. With so many people on vacation, I often feel like Dave in the image below as the end-user is generally wondering why a problem isn't being solved faster.

I believe technology integration with business systems is only increasing as time goes on.  No longer is there a filing cabinet, pad of paper, and a pen.  There are integrated systems that work together.  These systems decrease errors, improve efficiencies, and standardize processes to the point that people forget about how they work.  They are similar to the air conditioning system in your home.  You just don't think about it.  You only do when the AC doesn't work and then you have to call in someone to figure out why it isn't working.  The challenge with business systems and their integration with technology is there generally isn't a single person who knows the entire landscape.  These integrations are customized and not standard.  Even though these problems are complex I find the problem solving process invigorating as I work to better understand why something is awry.

I know I don't talk about work much but I figure from time to time it really is part of my life and not writing about it is a disservice to what this blog represents.

Well - it is 10:21 am.  I suppose I should get up and get going.  Until later - 

    

21 December 2020 (6 years, 1 day after The Day)

 I have really held in not writing.  I suppose this online blog is in many ways like a journal.   A journal is in many ways an outlet for me to process things.  I often reflect on the Harry Potter books where the wise old wizard Dumbledore used a pensieve to capture memories.  He would hold his wand to his temple and extract the memories as a silvery strand that would fall into a shallow basin (the pensieve) allowing him or others later to view the memories and relive them as if they were there.  While it would be nice to extract memories this way I have found that writing them down does the same thing.  It forces me to write them in a way that they will be received by you in the way I am trying to convey.  It forces me to think empathically.  Anyway - This time of year is always a difficult time for me.  I relive all the crap I went through.  

During that time in my life the Rongey family was very close to Jan and the kids.  At Jan's funeral I was a mess and asked Kurt Rongey to read what I had put together.  I knew I wouldn't be able to get through it myself.  Anyway - a few days ago I found a facebook post by Kurt regarding a gofundme post online that their 9 year old daughter, Juilianne, is fighting a form of cancer that is very rough and is inoperable.  She was close friends with Ammon and I hate to see others that I know experience the helpless feeling that accompanies life events like this.  You want to do whatever you can.  You wish you had a magic wand to magic away the pain that is so evident.  The pain that has no "fix" and one that has people praying for God to intervene.  There is no cake to bake... no yard to mow... no money to give that can make up for the pain caused by life events.  I think that is why Christ wants us to "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort".  I don't know the Rongey's financial situation but if you can give, please consider it.  This type of treatment is expensive even with insurance.

As I reflect on this type of life lesson I am reflective of all I received during the time of Jan's passing.  There were so many that gave in so many ways.  Some in forms of service.  Some gave in monetary ways while others gave by just being there for me and my family in our darkest of hours.  This silly blog was a way for me to extract those memories and was therapeutic for me.   I really dislike December.  That is what has happened to me with these life events.  I feel bad for my kids since they have a tainted view of December just as I do.  I try to put on a happy face but it is a tough month.

Claire turned 6 yesterday.  I was excited for her and yet I was sad.  I still am.  She got a clock to help her know when it is ok to get out of bed in the morning.  She had one of her friends come over to play today.  I spent a couple of hours playing hide and seek with them when Claire and her friend couldn't agree on the game to play.  Fun memories.  

I think everyone in the world is ready for 2020 to be over.  It is hard for me to process that it has been 6 years.  Sometimes I feel like my old self was just a stranger to me now.  I wonder what it will be like seeing Jan again after so many years have passed.  

    

13 October 2020 (5 years, 9 months, 24 days after The Day)

 Today I feel like I accomplished a lot.  I have had a challenge at work that makes it difficult to logically work through.  I have a set of data that was mixed together with another set.  The challenge I have is creating a way to logically split the data to appropriate owners consistently.  Anyway - I know... boring.  I created an algorithm today to do this and it took a while.  It is always nice to wrap up ongoing challenges. This was one that kept me up at night.  

Every day I drop off and pick up Claire from the bus stop.  I have worked from home for the last few years.  I have always had interaction with kids during the day; however, COVID has introduced a new dynamic at the house.  I find myself working more and at odd times.  (i.e. at the bus stop, at dinner, at night before bed, etc.)

These days at school the kids seem to get as many times to retake something that they want.  It is insane.  Am I the only one who feels this is a tremendous disservice to our children?  At work if someone turns in junk I will wonder why they did and expect it fixed the next time.  I'm not talking about working with someone who is honestly trying to improve.  I'm talking about daily tasks.  It seems in school daily tasks (quizzes, tests, homework, etc.) can be redone an infinite amount of times.  Because of this I have seen my kids not take their grades seriously.  It is frustrating.  I think you should sign your name to whatever you turn in.  You should own your work.

This weekend I will be celebrating my 5 year anniversary of my marriage to Samantha.  How crazy is that?  Time has flown by.  At times I don't recall my life previously and look at my memories as if I am a stranger.  I look at Ammon who was 6 at the time Jan died and how he doesn't have a lot of memories of Jan today.  I then look at Claire and wonder if I died if she would remember me.  I strive to do my best daily and I am sure when the dust settles when we are all dead and living in Heaven this will all be addressed; however, at the current time I wonder about it.  I wonder what legacy I am leaving my kids.  When my father passed, it was a bit of a relief.  He and I weren't on the best of terms and he would often bring drama into his interactions.  I have found that as the years pass my negative feelings toward him have lessened.  I hope that my shortcomings as a father will be looked over in the same way.  I suppose for me that is what I want the most.  I want to be a good dad.

Well - until tomorrow.

12 October 2020 (5 years, 9 months, 23 days after The Day)

 Today I struggle with the pandemic, with the mask restrictions, with the political unrest, with the social strife, with the difference in reality between now vs. the way life was prior to all of this.  I feel like the media is making a deliberate effort to make the situation worse.  After all - here is reality from the CDC

The frustrating thing on this is how many news reports talk about heart disease?  The Mayo Clinic online posted the following as risk factors

(https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/symptoms-causes/syc-20353118)

Risk factors for developing heart disease include:

• Age. Aging increases your risk of damaged and narrowed arteries and weakened or thickened heart muscle.
• Sex. Men are generally at greater risk of heart disease. However, women's risk increases after menopause.
• Family history. A family history of heart disease increases your risk of coronary artery disease, especially if a parent developed it at an early age (before age 55 for a male relative, such as your brother or father, and 65 for a female relative, such as your mother or sister).
• Smoking. Nicotine constricts your blood vessels, and carbon monoxide can damage their inner lining, making them more susceptible to atherosclerosis. Heart attacks are more common in smokers than in nonsmokers.
• Certain chemotherapy drugs and radiation therapy for cancer. Some chemotherapy drugs and radiation therapies may increase the risk of cardiovascular disease.
• Poor diet. A diet that's high in fat, salt, sugar and cholesterol can contribute to the development of heart disease.
• High blood pressure. Uncontrolled high blood pressure can result in hardening and thickening of your arteries, narrowing the vessels through which blood flows.
• High blood cholesterol levels. High levels of cholesterol in your blood can increase the risk of formation of plaques and atherosclerosis.
• Diabetes. Diabetes increases your risk of heart disease. Both conditions share similar risk factors, such as obesity and high blood pressure.
• Obesity. Excess weight typically worsens other risk factors.
• Physical inactivity. Lack of exercise also is associated with many forms of heart disease and some of its other risk factors, as well.
• Stress. Unrelieved stress may damage your arteries and worsen other risk factors for heart disease.
• Poor hygiene. Not regularly washing your hands and not establishing other habits that can help prevent viral or bacterial infections can put you at risk of heart infections, especially if you already have an underlying heart condition. Poor dental health also may contribute to heart disease.

Seems like most of the attributes above are being exacerbated by COVID.  Wonderful.  

So - today was a juggling day at work.  You know... lots of things... lots of different activities.  The day ended with me ready for a break.  We ordered pizza.  Madilyn visited Emma at college and I just collapsed in a chair.  I removed a bunch of fencing that was left in our back yard.  This was all wire fencing with a top wire that was barbed.  I used my grandfather's fencing tool and it still works like a champ.  Yesterday I played some songs I had recorded for Madilyn of Jan singing.  It has been a long time since she heard these and just wept.  I think we just forget someone's voice after a while.  It was good hearing her sing.

I am getting people ready for bed so I am signing off for the evening.  Until later - 

29 September 2020 (5 years, 9 months, 10 days after The Day)

 I end the day watching "O Brother, Where Art Thou?".  I have always enjoyed this movie.  The book references make me laugh out loud and I don't think the actors they chose could have been better.  

I have found myself at work juggling new concepts at work.  This forces me to learn and master new things.  I have always enjoyed learning.  I feel I have a thirst for it.  An unquenchable thirst for knowledge.  I value that.  

Anyway - Claire came into my office today when I was in a conference call with tears streaming down her face.  She found out that Macho (Madilyn's fish) died.  She was so sad.  I tried to juggle the conference call and comfort her at the same time.  I hate it when my kids are in pain.  I'm sure every parent feels this way.

I sure miss the other kids in the house.  A quiet house can be so lonely.

28 September 2020 (5 years, 9 months, 9 days after The Day)

 Today, Samantha and I dropped off Alex at the Airport.  He had a 3 hour flight to Washington DC to start the 1st leg of his mission.  I found this difficult.  The time with Emma Jane before she married was quick. The time with Dylan before he left was a bit longer but the time with Alex gave me an him an opportunity to get to know one another.  Today it was tough wishing him well and seeing him off at the airport.  I hope he is able to get acclimated to the work and lose himself in it.  

With Alex moved out the house is just different.  Madilyn worked tonight so it was just me, Samantha, Ammon and Claire.  We had dinner and it was just so very different without everyone else in the house.  I suppose this will be the new normal.  That phrase is irritating to me because I am not one to embrace change.  I find it difficult at times to accept a new reality.  

The pandemic has introduced new challenges at work.  I think working from home is an adjustment for anyone.   I suppose this too is the "new normal".  

I baked some cookies tonight.  They will go in the mail tomorrow to Dylan for his birthday.  Samantha used a vacuum sealer on them and .... now they are a brick cookie.  She asked if I thought that was ok.  I told her I think it will taste the same.

Anyway - this new atmosphere here in the house is going to take a moment to adjust to.  I suppose Samantha and I were just accustomed to loud teenagers in the house.  

Until later - 

27 September 2020 (5 years, 9 months, 8 days after The Day)

 I just felt like I have had a ton of comments bottled up because of the pandemic and the polarization of political views that has society ripped apart.  I am so tired of all the politics.  I am tired of hidden agendas.  I am just wanting people to stand for what is right.

The issues with police I believe need to be corrected with training... not expulsion.  I am without words when Seattle hired a former pimp as a "street czar" to offer "alternatives to policing".  I feel this is lunacy.  I am not the only person who has been in contact with a cop who acts like a jerk.  I also have family, friends, and neighbors who are police officers.  I can appreciate the chaos they deal with when engaging with the public.  This is no longer the local sheriff to help bring order.  This is mob mentality.  I feel the only place I find peace is in the scriptures.  

My stepson, Alex, leaves for his mission tomorrow.  It is sobering to think he is old enough to serve and yet my oldest stepson, Dylan, will be coming home off his in like 10 months.  I remember when these boys were just kids.  It is crazy to see them get older.  My oldest daughter, Emma, is juggling college and she has a tendency to burn the candle at both ends and I worry about her ability to stay sane and juggle the work and school load she has.  Madilyn's fish died today.  It was a sad moment.  I wish I could take pain away from my kids.  I hate to see them hurt.

With the pandemic causing everyone to be at home coupled with my inability to move much because of my knee has caused me to gain a lot of the weight I worked so hard to lose.  I have refocused my efforts to become more healthy even if I am bound to the house.

I decided to mow a neighbor's lawn to help them out since they had to relocate to Germany for the military.  I have really enjoyed taking their lawn and turning it into something trimmed and beautiful.  So - every Saturday I mow and every Saturday I get a little more exercise than I would otherwise have gotten.  

Our home has a short back yard and a larger side yard.  This yard doesn't have grass yet so it is prone to become overgrown with weeds.  I spent an hour mowing this area... just this area.  The weeds were knee high so the progress was slow.  It looks much better now.

We had a forest fire on the mountain behind our home.  It came about 700 meters from our home.  It was enough to scare the crap out of us.  We had bags packed and were ready to go.  Luckily the fire department was able to control it.  We didn't sleep much that night.

I am going to step away from social media for a while.  I have found it makes me depressed.  I find myself glued to the phone and this has got to stop.  The relationships with my family are suffering because of it.

I am tired.  I feel I am just pulled in so many directions and have lost myself in the parenting process.  I feel I am not much to my kids these days because of it.  Both Samantha and I go day after day just trying to ensure everyone is getting their stuff done and they are safe.  We are both tired.

It is 10:30 at night and just writing all this down is helping me.  So - until tomorrow -