I have really held in not writing. I suppose this online blog is in many ways like a journal. A journal is in many ways an outlet for me to process things. I often reflect on the Harry Potter books where the wise old wizard Dumbledore used a pensieve to capture memories. He would hold his wand to his temple and extract the memories as a silvery strand that would fall into a shallow basin (the pensieve) allowing him or others later to view the memories and relive them as if they were there. While it would be nice to extract memories this way I have found that writing them down does the same thing. It forces me to write them in a way that they will be received by you in the way I am trying to convey. It forces me to think empathically. Anyway - This time of year is always a difficult time for me. I relive all the crap I went through.
During that time in my life the Rongey family was very close to Jan and the kids. At Jan's funeral I was a mess and asked Kurt Rongey to read what I had put together. I knew I wouldn't be able to get through it myself. Anyway - a few days ago I found a facebook post by Kurt regarding a gofundme post online that their 9 year old daughter, Juilianne, is fighting a form of cancer that is very rough and is inoperable. She was close friends with Ammon and I hate to see others that I know experience the helpless feeling that accompanies life events like this. You want to do whatever you can. You wish you had a magic wand to magic away the pain that is so evident. The pain that has no "fix" and one that has people praying for God to intervene. There is no cake to bake... no yard to mow... no money to give that can make up for the pain caused by life events. I think that is why Christ wants us to "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort". I don't know the Rongey's financial situation but if you can give, please consider it. This type of treatment is expensive even with insurance.
As I reflect on this type of life lesson I am reflective of all I received during the time of Jan's passing. There were so many that gave in so many ways. Some in forms of service. Some gave in monetary ways while others gave by just being there for me and my family in our darkest of hours. This silly blog was a way for me to extract those memories and was therapeutic for me. I really dislike December. That is what has happened to me with these life events. I feel bad for my kids since they have a tainted view of December just as I do. I try to put on a happy face but it is a tough month.
Claire turned 6 yesterday. I was excited for her and yet I was sad. I still am. She got a clock to help her know when it is ok to get out of bed in the morning. She had one of her friends come over to play today. I spent a couple of hours playing hide and seek with them when Claire and her friend couldn't agree on the game to play. Fun memories.
I think everyone in the world is ready for 2020 to be over. It is hard for me to process that it has been 6 years. Sometimes I feel like my old self was just a stranger to me now. I wonder what it will be like seeing Jan again after so many years have passed.
